Sunday, July 26, 2009

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Personal requests from the author about what to do when he(Keith) dies (meets his end sleigh riding into traffic."

Death, it's apparently final destination according to shitty Hollywood director David R. Ellis (it's nothing personal your movies just suck) I have come to grips with this fact and I am ready to die when my time comes. So, this week I have decided to publish the top seven very specific arrangements I will need accomplished after I die in a fire. There are a couple more but I will leave that to my shovel buddy and immediate family.

7) Tweet my death to the Internet Hills.
Make sure all of my followers know a step by step, highly detailed retelling of my death and funeral. I want my death to be the first death that high school kids can post Morrissey lyrics at. My username = keithasaurus and my password = bagel69.

6) I MUST be buried and not burned.
This next request must be fulfilled at all costs. When the dead rise (and they will) I do not want to miss out because I am a cloud of dust. My coffin should be left slightly ajar and my tomb should be unlocked. All of my close friends have been put into a lottery and if there names are pulled they will take the night shift at my tomb.

5) Give my fine china and jewels to homeless dogs.
Piggy backing of of number 6 my tomb will be an open invitation for grave robbers so all of my valuables will go to any homeless dogs that live in the tri-state area. In death I hope to continue giving back to the community at all costs. That and the idea of a mangy dog wearing a big opal necklace is outstanding.

4)Play “nothing compares 2 u” by Sinead O'Connor on a loud speaker outside of my house for 24 hours straight.
A beautiful song for a beautiful man.

3)Lower every flag you come across to quarter mast.
I am starting a new trend in my departure and people will forever remember me as the man who has the lowest flying flags in his honor. People may not catch on the first couple of years so you have my permission to adjust any flags you see fit as you drive past them.

2)At my funeral there needs to be a blindfold guessing contest
Remember at those crazy Halloween parties you went to as a middle schooler and Mrs. Jefferies blind fold everyone and made them touch cold spaghetti, grapes with mayonnaise and bacon. There will be one of those at my funeral. In between the bag pipers and the 20 gun salute.

1)A portion of my body will be given to LiveGem Jewelers
None of the important parts so I can be a functioning zombie when I return. I hope my spirit haunts a ring or pendant for the rest of my life. Do not donate this to homeless dogs.

On a lighter note, next weeks post will be my top seven Fleetwood Mac albums of all times!

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