Guys and Dolls: The Ugly Truth

Sooo, this morning I was in my car listening to the radio and the DJ was talking about these strange things called "real dolls". Now these dolls aren't your regular run of the mill sex dolls. They aren't blowup dolls...they are unfortunately so much more. These dolls are so lifelike that some men regard them as real people. These sad and lonely fellas create relationships with the dolls, and don't even use them primarily for sex, just for some kind of company in their lonely pathetic world. Now this may just sound sad and lame, but it is so much more sick and twisted than you can imagine. Just watch the first half of a documentary about these men who have fallen in love with their real dolls. Caution: you may want to throw up after the first 2 minutes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xrvbj2aRT1I

Sorry for the nightmares.

-Lizzie

Guess who is back ?!?!

That's right ladies and gentlemen, Jay is back with upgrades !

Jay's Sunday Times

Hello Balls!

As we all know, when celebrities go without plastic surgery for an extended period of time it's disgusting. So it's no surprise that The New York New Year’s Eve Crystal Ball is getting some work done. To ring in the New Year The Crystal Ball will be decorated with 300 Waterford crystal triangles.

"I almost thew up last year when I saw it drop" said The Globe on Atlas's Back. And who can blame him? Sex is everything. Last year, ratings were so low networks hired The Sphere from Sphere to sex things up.

Crystal Ball had a very successful surgery and is expected to drop some jaws this New Years Eve."Hell, I'd bone it now" said The Orb from Labyrinth graphically. It's sure to be a New Year's Eve to remember. After all, what can ring in the New Year better than a shape.

Jay - Associated Press

Moron Movies!

So I don't know if anyone has seen these videos before, but I just discovered them and I'm in love with this crazy old man!

...

I am just glad Sean grew out of that pirate phase.

The Ghost of Christmas Past

I am just glad Ryan lost all that weight.

Lizzie's Smart Kitty

See...cats get us!

Ryan Barry, Christmas Whore

I enjoy Christmas so much, i gave my mother a gift already. Just a small candle holder, with the mountain pine tart. It has filled our home with that great christmas tree scent, and mom and dad aren't fighting as much anymore.

I have a slight crush on Christmas, so much that I decorated a christmas tree and wouldn't take the 60 dollars that was owed to me for a job well done. Doing things for the holidays don't require
money. The look on their faces was gift enough.

I'm in love with Christmas so much, I neglected to get ready for work at 5:00 am on Wednesday morning. Instead, I placed my sleepy cat under my personal christmas tree and had a photo shoot. I loved it! The kid that was locked out of the store because of me did not.

I fantasize about Christmas so much that I allowed Kory to stand out in the cold at work, awaiting my arrival, when in reality I wasn't on my way to pick him up. I was in my room, wrapping presents and watching ABCs new christmas special, PREPPED and LANDING.

I wanna fuck Christmas so hard that every night after work, I take a detour onto Galloping Hill road in middletown and glare at this one house because the house is so beautifully decorated. And if a cop should notice my routine check up and ask why i come here every night, I would say
"i'm certainly not thinking about burning this house down. It's not like I want to have the most beautiful house in middletown. I'm not threatened by this house. not one bit. I love it!" and then I would drive away with visions of flames in my head. I mean sugar plum fairies!

I wanna hold Christmas down and penetrate her against her will so badly that I haven't stopped shopping online at amazon.com for the past 3 weeks. I have no money to pay my loans. the only gift I have to give anyone is to slap my dick against my thigh and make an amusing slapping noise as it flails from side to side. Sure, Kory enjoys it, but WHAT ABOUT GRANDMA JEAN?! I'm exhausted. I've lost so much weight. I used to be 210 lbs. NOW LOOK AT ME! My mom says I stink, my cat won't look at me, my coworkers are showing up late because they've followed my example, Kory has frostbite dick, I stay up til 3am hoping that PREPPED and LANDING will come back on, and I have a strong urge for arson! All I wanna do now is pistol whip Christmas, throw her in my trunk, and drive my car off into the reservoir. SO THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO! FUCK YOU CHRISTMAS!




Happy holidays everybody!

What's My Age Again?

So, as some of you have seen I recently got a haircut. Since I got bangs, people have been saying that it either makes me look younger or older. More specifically, I either look like I'm 7 years old or 46 years old. In reality I'm actually turning 23, but I would like to point out the pros and cons of looking 7 or 46.

7 years old:

PRO: I can play in the McDonald's Playplace and no one will think that I'm trying to kidnap their child.

CON: No one will approve of my excessive drinking problem.

PRO: I will be the coolest kid in the 3rd grade because I know the true purpose of a penis...and how to use it.

CON: The only people that will have sex with me are child rapists and Catholic priests.

PRO: two words....high metabolism.

CON: small tits.

46 years old:

PRO: I can drink, smoke, and rent a car without the judgment.

CON: I can't tell people one of my favorite movies is Mean Girls...or say "You go Glen Coco!"

PRO: I won't need a ride from my parents to go hang out with my friends.

CON: I will only have one friend...the other den mother who smells weird.

PRO: MILF status.

CON: saggy tits.

I really can't decide which is better. So I guess I should enjoy being 23 while gravity is still kind to my tits.

Love,
Lizzie

Ryan Barry, Assistant Manager

I'm an assistant manager and over the past year and half, I've said some pretty outrageous things to the 17 year old boys and girls who work under me and the coworkers that work beside me. How HR has never been called is beyond me. Here's a list of why I deserve a promotion to Store Manager and beyond:

"So Rachael, what happened AFTER your dad hit your mom?"

"Hi I'm the new manager, Ryan. Now take off your top and dance."

"Greysha, two men are here from deportation and they're taking you away"

"Don't throw that cardboard box out! That's Mariah's house!"

"Okay everyone, let's gather around and say one thing we hate about Alicia" (as Alicia is standing right next to me)

"Hey, who's the new guy?" (as I look to our new FEMALE full time stock)

(as I'm being instructed by my boss on how to position the mannequins)
BOSS: So the girl form bases should touch or "kiss" and the boys shouldn't
ME: I disagree with that

"I wish this scanner gun had real bullets"

"Ryan, what's the significance of 1892?"
"It's the year my mother was founded"

"I think when I go to college I wanna be a lawyer. I think I'm good at convincing people"
"Well you haven't convinced me that you're straight yet, so..."

Ryan: "Hey Marisa, you have a boyfriend?"
Marisa: "No"
Ryan: "See Zak, all you had to do was ask."
Zak: "Fuck you"

Ryan: (joking) Did you hear the Perkins burned down?
Alicia: "Oh my god! I have to call my mom!"
Raleigh: "That sucks! All my memories in high school took place at the Perkins"
Ryan: "All my memories took place in my principal's van"

"Hey did you guys hear that Brandon thinks his teacher is hot?"
"Where does he go to high school?"
"He's home schooled..."

if you need a job, we're hiring seasonal help. Ask for Ryan. He's a babe.

HDO Blog Post #198

Jay showed Keith and I this video the other day. I am now sharing this video with you, for your enjoyment.



-Sean