Friday, July 31, 2009

Jay's Sketchin'

Int. Grocery Store - Day

Bill hands the Clerk a terribly made counterfeit $100 bill to pay for a candy bar.


I hope you can break the BIG CHANGE.


Are you serious?


Oh yeah.


Sir, this is fake.



Maybe you haven't seen one of these in a while, being a convenience store employee and all.


I'm the manager here and I haven't seen one of these EVER because you made it up.


I get it. You're embarrassed because you can't break the BIG BUCKS. Let me see if I have anything smaller.

Bill pulls out a fake $5 bill.

Bill (Cont'D)

That's more up your alley.


Sir, this is fake too.


Wow, can't change a five spot, huh?


Sir, I can. But this is counterfeit.


Okay listen, it's perfectly acceptable to print your own money these days, EVERYONE knows that. So potato potato.


NOBODY knows that cause it's not true.


What! Everyone has been accepting these things. I went to "The Amazing Jim Show" last night thanks to this cashsheesh.


The homeless Jim who juggles?


Yeah, amazing! He accepted my mulah.


He's blind; hence the amazing.


Tomato Tomoto. Look, McDonald's took my dollar dollar bills.


They did not.


Sure they did. I bought a #1 then I donated 50 mackaroons to the Ronald McDonald house.


I'm going to ignore the fact that you scammed sick children and ask what you used to pay for the #1 with.


My debit card, but only because I get double reward points there. I mean you get rewarded for eating poorly. Some country, huh?


If you don't have any real money I'm going to have to ask you to leave.


Alright, I didn't want it to come down to this.

Bill pulls out a paper cut out of a gun.




You can't be serious



A man enters the store and sees the "stick up". He leaves seeing how strange it is.


You are scaring away customers.


I'd be scared too if I saw someone holding a WMD.


Get out.


I've had enough outta you. BANG!

Bill tries to shoot the clerk with his paper gun.




You need help.


Think your funny? Now this is happening.

Bill holds the gun to his head.





No. Stop. Please don't.



Bill falls to the floor. The clerk looks at him for a moment puzzled.


Get out.

Bill doesn't flinch.

The clerk shrugs and walks over to drag his body out of the store.

As the Clerk goes to pick up Bill, Bill uppercuts the clerk in the face and knocks him out.


Was that fake?

Bill grabs the cash out of the register and runs out.

The END.

Sean's An American Tale Thursday

Whether you believe it or not, I have a lot in common with the movie An American Tail.

I was born the same year this animated film came out in theaters, 1986.

I am told by a few friends that I look like the cartoon cat, Tiger.

In the Chinese calendar I am the year of the Tiger.

There is a line where Tiger says, "I don't eat fish, I'M VEGETARIAN!" Same here Tiger!

As for what I don't have in common with An American Tail, here it goes.

Tiger's voice is done by the one and only, Dom DeLuise. Even though I would like to be a dead cook at some point in my life.

He wears a shirt with an M on it. I do not own a shirt with a capital M on it nor is there an M in my name.

I am not Jewish like the main character, Fivel, the mouse and his family.

I am not a cartoon.

So those are the few things that I have in common and don't have in common with An American Tail. I like to think that the positive coincidences outweigh the pure evil general information that should have no connection with any set individual stuff with the movie.

So here's to coincidences that work out for me!

-Tiger Sean

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Billy Can Save Her, He Just Knows It(Part II)

Welcome back, and prepare for the "sexy" conclusion.

Ok, so I get back from the bathroom and I notice the spots at the bar have now been taken. I don't feel like standing, so I take a seat up against the wall behind the guys. I'm taking everything in, and watching my friends play a classy version of basketball.(Dancer sits on edge of stage, opens g-strong, and encourages us to shoot crumpled up singles into the "basket". Man, I ALWAYS won) After a few minutes, I have another visitor. A dancer, in the form of a blonde. Instead of getting close, she pulls up a seat next to me and sits next to me. I notice her, but I don't draw attention. After a minute, she speaks, with a dynamite first line:

"Having fun?"

Obviously, I couldn't ignore her. And I wasn't gonna be a dick. So..

"I am. Very much, thanks."

"That's good to hear. I like this place too."

Silence for about 10 seconds. Then, she spoke again:

"Ya know, it's just something I do. To help raise my two kids."


"Oh wow, two kids, really?"

"Yeah, I'm going through a divorce, so just trying to uhh, power through."

I had NO idea what to say to this girl. Here's this dancer, not even attempting to get a dance. All she's doing is pouring her heart out. I mean, maybe that's her angle. Maybe she thinks I'll just empty my wallets. Honestly, there's a solid chance nothing she said was true. Still, at least most girls try the physical angle at these places instead of an emotional angle. After a few more seconds, she got up and walked over to my friends and talked to them. There wasn't the opportunity for me to warn them. Moments later, she turned around and came back towards me, this time getting very close and putting her arms around.

"Your friends seem sweet."

"Yeah, they're good guys."

"Ok, well I gotta get read to dance. Will you stay and watch me dance?"

"Uhh, yeah sure."

"Aww, you're so sweet. (kisses me on cheek, herpes test now pending) I wish I had met a guy like you."

(Right, I'm sure ya do.)

So, we hang out for another hour or so, my friends get dances, and I'm pretty hesitant. Seems like a giant waste of money for a ten minute cock-tease. That being said, after an hour, I had enough beers in me that when the dancer we had all deemed "the least skanky" of the group had come up and asked, I went for it.


You go into this smaller room where the dancing takes place, and what I realize is they get three dances done at once, so up to three people can be getting lap dances at the same time. Awkward enough getting a dance in front of strangers, even more awkward when the dance is in front of a guy you just met hours before. You pay the fee(ridiculous), you sit down. I avert my eyes from the dude on the other side of the room, and the girl tells me to put my hands on the bars in front of me, I guess so I won't try to grab at her. And then she does her thing for about 10 minutes. It was, ya know, nice I guess. But then she sends you on your way and you realize what a waste of money it was.

As we left, I saw the girl desperate to save her kids from a rotting marriage getting on stage, and she saw me and smiled as she started her routine. I stared at her blankly, and walked out. Thus breaking the one promise I ever made to a stripper.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Ryan and the Best Prank He's never Pulled

I was filled with envy this past weekend when I heard that a friend of mine once pulled the greatest prank...well, ever.

this friend, we'll call...Lizzie...was walking along the streets of brick, NJ years ago. it was a summer not unlike this one - hot and muggy, and Lizzie was enjoying a nighttime walk with some pals. Then - NATURE CALLED.

Rather than hold it, Lizzie found a white truck that just so happened to be unlocked. Lizzie went in through the driver's seat door - sat down - and plopped that brown baby onto the seat. Lizzie exited the car.

Lizzie's friend, we'll call Michelle also felt the call of nature. She hopped into the passenger seat - and dropped a deuce that would make the gods shutter.

luckily for them, there was a roll of paper towels in the back seat. Unluckily for the owenr of that truck, not only was his car broken into - there were two massive shits waiting for him on either seat. And, oh yea, shitty paper towels everywhere.

I will now spend the rest of the week attempting to "one-up" that prank. So if ay of you find droppings on your car door handles, please know it was out of love.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Keith's Blog done by Jay

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Personal requests from the author about what to do when he(Keith) dies (meets his end sleigh riding into traffic."

Death, it's apparently final destination according to shitty Hollywood director David R. Ellis (it's nothing personal your movies just suck) I have come to grips with this fact and I am ready to die when my time comes. So, this week I have decided to publish the top seven very specific arrangements I will need accomplished after I die in a fire. There are a couple more but I will leave that to my shovel buddy and immediate family.

7) Tweet my death to the Internet Hills.
Make sure all of my followers know a step by step, highly detailed retelling of my death and funeral. I want my death to be the first death that high school kids can post Morrissey lyrics at. My username = keithasaurus and my password = bagel69.

6) I MUST be buried and not burned.
This next request must be fulfilled at all costs. When the dead rise (and they will) I do not want to miss out because I am a cloud of dust. My coffin should be left slightly ajar and my tomb should be unlocked. All of my close friends have been put into a lottery and if there names are pulled they will take the night shift at my tomb.

5) Give my fine china and jewels to homeless dogs.
Piggy backing of of number 6 my tomb will be an open invitation for grave robbers so all of my valuables will go to any homeless dogs that live in the tri-state area. In death I hope to continue giving back to the community at all costs. That and the idea of a mangy dog wearing a big opal necklace is outstanding.

4)Play “nothing compares 2 u” by Sinead O'Connor on a loud speaker outside of my house for 24 hours straight.
A beautiful song for a beautiful man.

3)Lower every flag you come across to quarter mast.
I am starting a new trend in my departure and people will forever remember me as the man who has the lowest flying flags in his honor. People may not catch on the first couple of years so you have my permission to adjust any flags you see fit as you drive past them.

2)At my funeral there needs to be a blindfold guessing contest
Remember at those crazy Halloween parties you went to as a middle schooler and Mrs. Jefferies blind fold everyone and made them touch cold spaghetti, grapes with mayonnaise and bacon. There will be one of those at my funeral. In between the bag pipers and the 20 gun salute.

1)A portion of my body will be given to LiveGem Jewelers
None of the important parts so I can be a functioning zombie when I return. I hope my spirit haunts a ring or pendant for the rest of my life. Do not donate this to homeless dogs.

On a lighter note, next weeks post will be my top seven Fleetwood Mac albums of all times!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Lizzie Loves Weddings

OMG as a FEMALE i luv weddings LOLZZZZ check this one out! teehee

Friday, July 24, 2009

Jay's Sketchin'

Here's a little number I wrote about lovely ladies entitled, "Cougars need Protection"

Int. The Fish and Game Warden's Office - Day

WARDEN OBERMAN sits at his desk. DEPUTY ROBERTS enters holding a State Order. On it is a picture of an attractive forty-year-old women. A caption at the bottom reads "Cougars need our Protection."

Deputy Roberts


Warden, I just got this in the mail from Jake over at State.


Let me see.

The warden take the State Order and glances over it.


This is an official State Order, Roberts. You know that when a request from State comes in it needs to be taken care of.

The warden picks up the phone.


But it's just a joke, Warden.


(to phone)

Issue an APB to tag all "cougars" with a homing device.


Sir, you can't do that! They're human beings, not animals.

The Warden puts down the phone.


"Cougars" are smart, sexy, and sophisticated creatures. They're independent and elusive. They're not "Fish"; but they sure sound like "Game" to me.


No! That order is just a joke.


When The State Government asks you to do something, you do it! Apparently these "cougars" need our protection and I'm not risking my career over it. If you don't want to help that's fine. You'll just have to find another way to feed your family.


You're going to fire me over this?


When people don't do their job, they get fired.


Fine, I'll do it. Only because you're paying my bills.


That's the spirit, Roberts! Now, once the Rangers are done combing the Curves Gym we'll know just how endangered these "cougars" really are.

The Warden takes a bite of a doughnut. His eyes widen with remembrance. He picks up the phone.


(to phone)

Capture and cage all men in their twenties.


Sir! Tagging people is one thing, but we can't cage human beings.

The warden puts the phone down.


Males in there twenties are nocturnal. They go out at night to mate with the "cougars". But this very morning I saw one of them running through the parking lot of Dunkin' Doughnuts.


They shouldn't be out in the day time.


It even had froth on it's mouth! If a "cougar" gets it's paws on the infected man, the transfer of fluids will cause virus and disease to spread everywhere.


Sir, come on. The twenty-somethings maybe infected but nothing is saying they are going to be caught by a "cougar".


No man can escape a "cougar".


Damn it, you're right.

The phone rings and Warden Oberman picks it up.


(to phone)

What!...An excess...Great!...Oh, I see...Proceed...You're welcome.

The Warden hangs up the phone.


There's are more "cougars" in our county than we initially thought. In fact, we've removed them from the endangered species list.


What a relief!


Unfortunately, the population has gotten so large it's now a problem.


Having too many attractive women over the age of forty is not a problem.


They're causing traffic accidents, forced entry, and in some cases death. Which is why I' just okay'ed a controlled hunt.


What? No! You can't go out and murder women.


It's not murder it's population control.


This shouldn't be happening! That order was just a JOKE.


Thanks to you, this area will once again be balanced. Everyone here at the Fish and Game department thanks you for it!


I should have never brought that in here. Women are being hunted down and killed because of me.

The phone rings and Warden Oberman picks it up.


(to phone)

Yes...Look for it's ID marking in the Prada Bag...Okay.

The Warden hangs up the phone.


Your spouse is Cindy right?




Roberts you never told me you bagged a cougar, you rascal! Bad news though. We killed your wife.

The End

Sean's Post-Bday Happening Extravaganza Post

Hewwo Friends,

I would like to share with you loyal readers the events of my birthday that I will not soon be forgetting. Discussion of the weather, sweet treats and ending celebration festivities are to follow in the next paragraphs.

As we all know it rained for an extended amount of time during the morning to the evening. This is no surprise. Around this time of year rainfall always creeps up to the 23rd and proceeds it as well. This is unlike the months of May and June where rain was showering us everyday in the life of Seattle residents, this was very peculiar for NJ. In return, it was a nice cooled off day full of god's tears, but this would not put a "damp"er on the day for me. Also, I had the day off from work! Time to take advantage to the fullest!

With a quick errand of scheduling classes for the fall I found out some good news. The rain can't stop me from excelling in my studies. Good news is:
1. I will be gaining my associates degree from community college in the spring
2. I have health insurance from being a full time student (a thought of not having insurance was a looming problem but now is solved)

Then a trip to two places I frequent with my brother: Taco Bell and The Record Store in Howell. Taco Bell isn't the healthiest but it was my birthday SO BACK OFF MAN!

We all know that calories do not effect you on your birthday. Doctors do not know what they are talking about, those fools of medical science.

Then, the local record/comic store was in order for brotherly bonding with the two of us purchasing Paulson cds, Zombie comics, and used Horror DVDs.

The next stop was a very low key sit down with the family for a cake consumption portion of the early evening. It was my form of pre-gaming for the next stops on my magical tour of events to follow.

Now, off to a company party that was a themed Christmas In July/Halloween party. Costumes were greatly appreciated.In other words this meant: you were forced to wear one. I had to think of something very low maintenance for the fact of being lazy and not feeling like spending any money on anything at all for this. So a piece of black construction paper and tape were used, some Aviator glasses, a Hooded Sweatshirt and a freshly received shipment box made my costume.

The return address on the box was changed to this:
U. NaBomber
1 Shack Pl.
Notsohidden, NJ OU812

Just for the slow kids reading, my costume was the Unabomber.

You would be surprised of the young bucks I work with who really didn't know who the Unabomber was/is.

Then it was off to my plans for the night. A planned gathering of my friends at the 5 star Zagat rated Regent Diner on Rt. 9 in Howell/Lakewood border. We all ate a fantastic meal with a tall vanilla ice cream sundae being presented before me with 2 candles cascading from the sides of the delicious treat. Our table of about 15+ people singing happy birthday was a sight to see. The 15+ number does not include the rest of the customers at their tables in the same room as us. It was a nice way to say hello to being 23 and one more year closer to death.

Then it was the build up of the final hallmark of the evening. My good friend Kristian was saying during our Diner experience that he was going to do something for the entire group on this monumental occassion.

The Gallon Challenge.

Yes, you read that correctly. Your eyes are not deceiving you at all, I promise you.

All of us ended up going to a Pizza Hut parking lot where we watched Kristian try to drink a whole gallon of milk in One Hour. I will tell you that boy was starting out strong for about 6 minutes until the white milk and Diner food were spewing out from his stomach. We were all laughing like little school children while our friend was puking out pints of milk at once all over the pavement in this parking lot. I gagged a bunch of times from the constant coughing dry heeving sounds blasting from Kristian's body mouth. We all stood around just watching the shifting shoulder movements, coughing, and milk splashing all over the place.

Some of the best quotes from this experience:
"Smell my breath."
"Hey, get over here and kiss me."
"Is that a tooth?"

All in all it was a very enjoyable day that I am glad I have had the pleasure of sharing with you. So if anyone is looking for a Birthday planner just let me bring some of my friends and we'll figure out the rest so you will never forget the anniversary of you being introduced into this world.

To sum up everything I will quote the singer Sweet Pete from the Boston Straight Edge band, In My Eyes.

"We look back on these days as the best times of our lives".

A great time was had on this day that I had the pleasure of sharing with everyone around me. I appreciate all of the birthday wishes and the singing of Happy Birthday in a NJ Diner with good people. Even though there were a portion of older folk I never met before in my life until that moment. Till next year, Mr. Birthday, till next year!


Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Billy Can Save Her, He Just Knows It(Part 1)

Hello, faithful blog reader(s). I'm back yet again to rant about something. Actually that's really not accurate. I'm here to tell you a story. A filthy, scary, sad, debaucherous and sexy story. I'm here to tell you about last week, when myself and three friends went down to Atlantic City, and through a RIDIC(slang for ridiculous) set of circumstances, we wound up at a go-go bar. Ok, well let's just jump through the circumstances. They are as followed:

We were drunk, and one of us said, "Oh man, we should totally go to a strip club." and the other three laughed and tried to high five.

We left the casino and walked down the main strip and went into the first place we saw. We THOUGHT it was called "Go-Go City." We discovered later that it was actually called COCONUTZ Go-Go. See, you know it's good because they change the s to a z. So we go in, and the place is...SMALL. There's a little area in the middle, with a swing, where the girls could dance, and the bar was a horseshoe shape around. We paid the charge, sat down at the bar, and ordered up a round of drinks. It took only moments for the first of the shockingly aggresively and not so shockingly desperate for $1 bill dancers to make her way over to us, to gauge whether or not she could make some money off of us.

My only experience before this was also in AC, and the dancers who asked about dancers were very low key for the most part. They'd get close, ask, we'd politely decline and they'd move on. This first dancer was not from that school of thought. She went up to one of my friends and got very close and started dancing on him. After brief introductions, she delivered the following come on: "Well, hey, you want me to get your dick hard?"

Cue spit take.

That was unreal to me. I mean, I know where we were, but good LORD I expected a little subtley, for whatever reason. My friend passed, and she tried more classy lines to my other two friends, but to no avail. I was last in the line. All of a sudden, as I drank my bear, I felt her straddle my leg and start dancing.

I don't care about the allure, if you're with your buddies, this is not what you want to have happen. It is an awkward experience. She gave her name, I wanna say it was Nikki, and after a few seconds, she took her hand and rubbed it against my face, while whispering to me, "That could be my pussy."


Is this how these places usually work? Are they THAT desperate, and THAT low on dignity? It's funny before it's anything else. And I mean, they wouldn't use lines like that if they didn't know that it worked, so, ya know, good for those guys. I turned it down, politely, and we were left alone for a bit. I went to the bathroom after this, which was a BOLD move, considering where we were; who KNOWS what could have been going on in there. When I came back, my seat was taken, and I had to sit seperated from the group, which led to an encounter that very well may have changed my life.

And you'll find out....NEXT WEEK!!


Monday, July 20, 2009

Ryan and The Meat Trick

I've done a few stupid things while intoxicated, such as...offended Mr. Belding when he came to visit our college. I even vandalized school property while dressed in santa clothes, and hung out with Hurricane Katrina victims for fun.

However, last night I attempted a drunken trick that...didn't go over so well. After a few hours of playing card games and catch phrase, I decided to call it quits and head to be with the old ball and chain. While in the bathroom, I began to wrap my member in roast beef (leftover from my brother's after-wedding day brunch). So, the old bf walked in and saw that I had created something very special. ( was still fully dressed)

He was also drunk.

He also didn't know that my member was actually INSIDE the roast beef. he just thought...I have no idea what he thought.

So....lets just say that he got a mouthful and if he even dies in a fire, they can compare dental records on my shwang.

awesome. hope i start a trend!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Women I hope to have stalk (or have sometime of relationship with) me in the future" (Insert your aunt joke here)

Women, they are beautiful and mysterious. Wars have been fought and songs have been written about women. Every man above the age of 1o that isn't Ryan is constantly searching for the "one" that can be lady in the street but a freak in the bed (thanks Usher) So this week I get the top 7 most hardcore women real, fictional or dead but they are all of age.

7)Sarah Connor
The future mother of the machine resistance leader and the only woman who can make a tank top and cargo pants sexy. She would protect me in fights at bars and with our toaster. We could ride motorcycles and do pull ups until the machines finally took over.

6)Adrienne Rosenburg
For all of those unfamiliar with Adrienne Rosenburg she is the heiress to the Dunkin Donuts fortune. This women fulfills two of my three requirements for marriage, money and an endless supply of Boston Cream Donuts. Even if we didn't end up getting married, who wouldn't want to vacation on the fabled Donut Island.

5)Megan Fox

4)Marie Cuire
As I stated before dead women are allowed to be on my list if they have something extraordinary to offer the extremely one-sided relationship. Marie Curie had a brilliant scientific mind, we could spend days discussing chemistry and making love in the laboratory. I would also never need a flashlight because she glowed in the dark.

3)Jay's Sister
Jay's sister has made the list for two important reasons. One because she looks like Jay and two because if we dated I could use their indoor swimming pool as much as possible.

2)Kelly Osbourne
Ride the CRAZY TRAIN straight to the bank.

Ice began her Gladiator career in the second season of the show, hailed as the closest thing to male gladiator a woman could get. She excels at Powerball and Human Cannonball. Ice now has a lucritive career in the WPGA. I need a hardcore bitch to keep me in my place and show me the ropes on the obstacle course of life.

Check back next week when I debunk the myths of bread pudding.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Lizzie's Hardcore Moment of the Week: Saudi Family Takes Genie to Court

Who doesn't want a genie?! I mean come on, we all grew up on Disney's Aladdin! Having a genie is like all you could ever wish three more wishes! And then you get a sweet ass lamp along with it! yep, genies sound pretty awesome to the imagination....but in the real world, a genie can be a real dick!

Case in point: this week, a family in Saudi Arabia collectively decided to sue a genie who was haunting their home. They are charging this demonic lamp dweller with theft and harassment. According to the family, this genie would throw rocks at the children(he thought they were Abu the monkey), steal their cell phones (to call his other magical buddies like the Dumbledore and Neil Patrick Harris), and worst of all...he would leave the family threatening voicemails! Can you imagine what those voicemails would say?! I can!

:BEEP: Yeah hi Steph it's the genie...uhhh how's it goin? Ummm so I'm sorry about taking your cell phone the other day, I just really needed to make a call and you know I don't have a phone in my lamp cause it won't fit haha...(long pause)....I swear I wasn't checking your phone for calls from Kevin, cause I totally know that's over....Seriously I'm not jealous....(long pause)....Listin, if you don't stop flirting with that rug vendor, I swear I'm not granting you your last wish of owning the movie Bride and Predjudice! Yeah, think about that! And you better f**king free me soon or else so help me Allah I...:BEEP:

The head of the Shariah court is currently having some trouble with this case because they first need to find out if there is any valitity at all to the charges...or if the entire family is just comepletely insane.

So if you currently own a genie, be on the lookout for strange behavior. And never let him turn your monkey into an elephant....that shit just aint cool for the monkey.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Jay's Jokes

I have a couple more jokes that I want to share with you all written for Jimmy Fallon’s monologue on Late Night. Usually I like to mix my blog posts up but I recently found out that people love these jokes so much they’ve been mass e-mailing them around! I’m truly flattered but if you ask me, some people just have too much time on their hands. Here we go!

Venetia Phair, who when she was 11 years old named the planet Pluto, died this week at the age of 90. Only her son, who made the arrangements for her death gathering, survives her. I would call it a funeral but it’s too small to be classified as one.

President Obama threw out the first pitch at The Major League All-Star Game last night and broke a campaign promise. He said it would take him years to deliver a change-up.

Silly, silly puns. I really admire a good joke now that I have actually tried to write one. So far nothing TV worthy, but I’ll keep up my efforts. I’d hate to disappoint. Until next week:

Jay Out.

Sean Points Out Famous Beards Thursday

Beards have been just as much a part of history as the history of history itself. Many different thoughts pop up in our thinkers (minds) on what we associate with beards. Masculinity, ruggedness, Brawny paper towels, flannel, and the list could go on forever.

Here is a quick collection on some famous beards throughout or human existence on this big marble we call earth.

The man above, no I'm not talking about God but I can't find a realistic picture of him so he will be excluded for this post, no offense big man, we have Abraham Lincoln. Not only did he free the slaves but he freed his razor from cutting off that amazing chin grazing muff patch. What a man, god damn!

Poseidon- need I say more. The god of the sea. This picture was taken on his 36th birthday.

Jesus- nothing but a troublemaker. Being all christ like...christ!
We've got the few followers on the Jesus look throughout our time. Entertainment stars are always great at going for the look of the season, Jesus. It can be an all year thing or just a quick hibernating winter month fashion statement. Maybe it could be looked down as just being lazy. Which is mostly the case with the youngin's and not so youngin's.

From John Lennon to this crazy grizzly bear, Joaquin Phoenix, the beard is a memorable statement in "just letting yourself go". Also, it's great to hide that underchin flub to thin out your chubby face.

I know there are two pictures of Joaquin Phoenix, but there was a need to drive the "just letting yourself go" point home again. The caption of this 2nd photo should say, "Never try this at home".

This is just a gimme! ZZTop is the meaning of Beard. There drummer even has the last name of Beard. C'mon!!! Don't deny how great it is...don't.

Another way to have a burned image into the mind of the world is to hide in a hole after your dictatorship crumbles and you've got nowhere else to go. Word on the street is that the Saddam Hussein was always trying to go "beard" but his 100's of lookalikes couldn't grow this damn fine clutter of whiskers like my man Da' Hussein.

Last but not least, here is my glorious beard circa 2007 in Washington DC with Meghan. Since she's a woman she did her best to join in on the beard festivities of this photo by putting her scarf on her chin and on the sides of her cheeks, not for warmth, but to pay homage to Abraham Lincoln. If you look closely you can see the Lincoln Memorial off in the distance.

So there we are. Famous beards of history as seen through the eyes of yours truly. I hope it was an enjoyable journey. Now look up some famous beards of your own. Google images is the mecca for your searching and findings. I highly recommend it.

Now go think about beards 'cuz they will grow on you...they physically will grow on you if you are a true man. If not, grow some manhood you bunch of boys! Girls are excluded from this part of the message. We all know the ladies can't do a man's job of growing beards.


Thursday, July 16, 2009

Show Stuff

We would like to thank our audience for participating in "Whip It Out" (a game where phrases are written a slips of paper) but this is just weird...

We know who you are and the police has been notified. Sgt. Berry will come pick you up and escort you to County.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Billy Hates Self Control

Alright, so, I guess this may not be one of your standard blogs. This isn't a rant in the typical sense, because it's something that might be seen as bad by SOME people, but I just can't stop thinking about it's joys.

I'm someone that thrives on my routines, and it's the most mundane of routines, most of which rely on watching a screen of some sort. My eye sight will probably leave me at a very early age, but I'm okay with that, knowing that I got to watch so much good TV and look at so many important and entertaining things on the internet, like movie reviews, whiny movie reviewers, movie posters, and porn. A great deal of porn. Or so I'm told. The thing of it was, it was something that had SOME places where it couldn't be had. Since I never fell into the laptop army, I always had a computer or a TV that had to be plugged into the wall. So, despite all of my best efforts, sometimes, I would have to go without my joys in life. Luckily, I was still able to stay inside and shield myself from the sun, but still, a small price to pay.

Then, Apple came along, and delivered something that has changed my life forever, in the worst way imaginable. I got an iTouch this week from work, for winning a sales competition. My old iPod broke, so I needed a new one, and this was the top prize choice and naturally I took it. Initially, all I was focused on was the fact that I had a new way to listen to music. Here's what I didn't think about. I can GO ON THE INTERNET WITH THIS!!! Constantly. Seriously, just non-stop. For someome without access to a laptop, I was able to experience something this weekend that I never thought I'd be able to. Pardon my french,

but I took a crap and surfed Facebook at the same time.

It was unreal. I signed on AIM, I held conversations, I posted links, I checked my email, all while doing one of my favorite past times. Maybe I'm getting a little too personal right now. It's entirely possible, but quite frankly I don't care. I just want you to know that most of the time from now, when you see me doing something online, just know that there's a real chance that as I do it, I'm dropping a doozy of a toozy.

I hope I've blown your minds and your stomachs.

Secret Steve's Video Slip and Slide

Monday, July 13, 2009

Ryan and a Moment of Shame

I know, I know. I missed my scheduled Monday post. But I'm glad. That's right! I'm really glad! because if I had written it last night, I would have had to wait another week to write about this little diddy, and I think my head would have exploded!

So, last night, I went to Target to "treat" myself. And by "treat Myself", I of course mean, purchase the Black Eyed Peas cd, a bag of Sweet and Spicy Doritos and....

...oh god....

a bottle of lube.

Hey! before you start thinking "sicko" - it was my three year anniversary. So take that!

Anywho, as I waited in line (feeling nothing but shame holding this bottle of astroglide) I hear "oh my god!". I look to my left to see an old elementary school friend of mine who I have not seen in YEARS. I was so excited to see her and catch up on our lives. I asked her what she was doing in this Target - since she lives about 30 minutes away and she said that she was "here for a calendar" - which they didn't even have on sale. Apparently calendars are "end of the year gifts" as the sales floor employee told us. The summer months don't call for such trivial things as, ya know, planning your life.

After calendar chat, she looked at me and asked "what do you got there?" She then reached for my goods, and I was absolutely frozen. I think I turned red. Possibly purple.

Long story short, she ended up cracking up for about 2 and half minutes. After that, I shrugged off my embarrassment and thought to myself "ya know what - lube is cool. it means I'm having sex. tonight. I'm about to see someone naked and have an orgasm. so fuck you".

So for those of you who feel ashamed, take my words of encouragment, find the strength inside yourself, go to your local Target, and buy in bulk, baby! because guess what - you're about to penetrate someone, and they're probably not. which makes you better than them.

but for those of you who are still shy, you can always order online. Like my neighbor, Leo.


Love you!

Ry Guy

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "The United States of Acronyms" (the only place lazier then the actual USA)

With the advent of twitter and other social networking sites the need to C.I (convey information) A.F.A.P (as fast as possible) is leading people to develop many new creative acronyms for E.D.U(every day use). Acronyms save us L.o.T (lots of time) and can be a hell of a good time D.N.O (developing new ones) with your friends. S.I.Y.E.M.B.P.T.W.P.C.S.W (So I hope you enjoy my blog post this week and please come to the show on Wednesday)

7)C.D.C (Center for Diseased Chicks)
This wonderful acronym was develop late one night at a bar with all the male members of H.D.O. Jay drank a lot and was hitting on a "choice" female when Sean leaned in to the group and said "Wow I hope someone calls the Center for Diseased Chicks to quarantine her before she blights Jay's wenis."

6)C.O.C.K.S.L.A.P (Christ's Order of Continued Kinetic Support Love And Peace)
A new group that has formed in my mother's church. There aren't many members right now but once you get C.O.C.K.S.L.A.Ped your life changes.

5)TFTS (Thanks For The Snack)
Seriously, Thank you for the snack.

4)AAAAA (American Association Against Acronym Abuse)
An association quickly developed after people started hating the word SCUBA. This group has fallen out of the public light because of some disparaging remarks but a new group stands ready to take it places as the number one group of acronym watch dogs, AAAAAAAAA (All American Association Against Acronym and Abbreviation Abuse Anonymous)

3)HDOMG (Helicopter Dance Off My God)
I often hear this whispered under the breath of our audience after a scene where we do something shocking like a racist grandmother or pyro-camp counselor.

2)ATL4LC (Asian Tranny Looking for Long C*@#)
Unfortunately, I thought this acronym was A Teenager Looking for A Leather Couch so when I replied to the add on craigslist I was shocked by the email and pictures I got.

1)MLBASSSTBS (Major League Baseball's All-Star Selection Show on TBS)
One Sunday Billy and I were watching TV and this acronyms scrolled across the bottom of the screen. This is one is real.

If you liked this week's blog check back next week when I discuss the top seven women that I want to stalk me.

Lizzie's Hardcore Moment of the Week: Woman Gets Capped in Bathroom Stall

So imagine you're sitting in a bathroom stall just minding your own "business", when suddenly BAM!Somebody's putting holes in your ankles! Sounds more like an episode of The Sopranos or The Great American Road Trip than something that could happen in real life...right?


This hardcore moment of the week goes out to our poor lavatory victim, 53 year old Janifer Bliss of Tampa, FL. Apparently, while Janifer was using the facilities of her hotel, a 56 year old woman in the next stall accidentally dropped her gun, causing it to shoot poor Jan Jan in the lower left leg.

Now apparently the woman has a concealed weapon's permit, so she had every right to carry a gun....but come on! A 56 year old woman carrying a gun around in Tampa!? What does she use it for? Fighting off tourists who ask how far it is to Disney World!? Threatening kids who just want a lift to the Nickelodeon Studios!? What could she possibly need a gun for??? And WHAT was she doing in that stall to make her drop her gun in the first place!!??? That I don't even want to attempt to imagine!

So this is a lesson to all you people out there packing heat: the next time you have to take a leak while you've got your trusty shooter in your pocket, please for everyone's sake...keep it in your pants.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Secret Steve's Video Slip and Slide

Sean's Dangling Photo Finish Thursday

This is probably the best representation of America to other countries. Nothing but a country of big ol' dicks just letting it hang out all over the place.

God Bless America and the Doppler 10 News Radar Johnson of Weather!

I bet Zeus never had anything as big as that in Rome. Suck it Greeks...literally.


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Billy Is Saving This Seat

Ok, so when I go out to eat, there are certain things I expect. One, is probably something bacon related in my meal. That's just who I am. We all know this. Second is decent service. I developed a new appreciation for people in any sort of food industry after working in a pizza place and then a supermarket for a combined 5 years, and I understand that customers are very picky and annoying people that want things just right. They are perfectionists and expect things to be handled perfectly for them in any situation. As us REALISTS understand, sometimes, things change. Bastards.

My rant today though, is about waiters and waitresses working in restaurants. I can appreciate not wanting to come off as a douche that doesn't really care about our food and our drinks orders and whether or not we get what we're looking for. You want to come off as a nice guy. That's great. Good for you. Has anyone ever had a run-in with the overly friendly waiter? That might be the worst one of all.

So, I'm out to eat, and the waiter comes by and asks if we want to get drinks. We order drinks. The waiter compliments all the drink orders. "Oh, Blue Moon, that's a great choice." "Can't go wrong with that." "Awesome. You'll love it."

He comes back with the drinks, and we start to order food, and we discover that one of our favorite appetizers is off the menu now when he says: "I'm sorry, we discontinued that." We were bummed, and started scrambling through the menu for backups. As we did, the waiter looked around, saw an empty seat, pulled it over, and sat down next to us. He put his elbows on the table and is like, "So...what can we get you instead?"

Hey, you can get the hell away from me buddy. Here's this guy, who works at an Applebees, who thinks that his best chance at a good tip is to pretend he is one of our friends. Just one of the guys. Just kicking back and relaxing. I dunno if he thought it looked natural or if it looked inviting, but it mostly looked creepy. Like it was a guy who didn't have many friends, and started working at restaurants to meet people who were ok with his particular brand of crazy. Pass, you psycho.

Bacon was good though.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Ryan and the Essay

Dear friends,

I know it's only the beginning of July, but some of my friends are going to take summer classes, and before you know it, college is gonna be starting up again. After graduating, there was this hard/awkward "adjustment" period for me, because I had gone to school for so many years and didn't really have my life figured out. still don't. OH! WHO'S A BITCH!

anywho. my only regret is that I had to learn stupid History and Math (p.s. I've forgotten how to divide) and I didn't really get to do research on things I thought were really interesting. But since I'm no longer a student, here are a few topics that YOU, the readers, are able to research and hand into ME for extra "I Love You Dollars". Your topic choices are:


"The Best President We Ever Had"

"The Loch Ness Monster"

"Queefing - Fact or Fiction?"

"Why Native Americans Are So Sensative"

"The Poop Shoot Boogaloo"

"Foods That Made My Mouth Numb"

"Don't Touch That! Or Should You?"

"Why My Daddy Isn't Proud of Me"

"Jesus Fucking Christ: The High School Years"

"Tough Times, Tough Rhymes: How to Lay Down a Killer Track with P. Diddy"

"I Turned Keith Gay...With a Lazer Gun"

"Grave-Robbing on Shrooms"

"How to Stop a Cat from Going in Heat Without Spending a Lot of Money"

"How to Hit a Woman Without Bruising Her"

Okay! So, get researching kids! I want these reports on my desk by next Wednesday! Good Luck!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Why Pie is Awesome."

I love pie. I think it is awesome. Here is why.

7) Pie is tasty
6) Pie comes in many different varieties
5) Pie beat up cake in a street fight
4) Pie can be eaten anytime of the day
3) Pie is a big number
2) Pie can have meat in it
1) I like pie.

Deal with it.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Jay's Sonic Review

Sonic commercials have always left me craving some awesome Drive-In food. Unfortunately, in my 23 years of existence America's Drive-In and I have never crossed paths... until the day of our nations birth.
The Fourth of July never fails to be a day of historic importance. This year I have added to the historical relevance of this holiday. The 4th now not only marks the day when our country declared independence but it also marks the day I discovered Sonic tastes like garbage.
I have never eaten garbage.

Jay Out.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Sean's Doppelganger THURSDAY.

Ever since Lizzie made a comment in the "A Day In The Life" game in last night's show about how my over-aggressive Bouncer character should carry her out of the bar via piggyback ride "like a panda", it got me thinking. What would I look like in Panda form? The answer....

I've found my doppelganger in a teeny Styan red panda cub. This impostor, in panda form, goes by the name: Sha-Lei. Obviously this is the micro manifestation that is trying to look just like animal form. You know the sky is the limit, anything can do what they want and present themselves in any way possible. I cannot get mad over this, actually I'm flattered.

Here's some backstory on this creature of attention. Sha-Lei was born on June 13 at the Valley Zoo in Edmonton, Canada. Interesting fact, "She is being hand-raised by Valley Zoo Animal Health Technologist Sandy Heiliker, rather than stay with her mother.This is because her mother attempted to aggressively groom her soon after her birth. Sha-lei had to be removed for her own safety."

This is insane! That happened to me when I was 168 grams, like Sha-Lei. I have not only found my impostor, I mean my doppelganger, but I have found my reincarnated self while I'm still alive! Usually you have to DIE for this to happen!!!! DIE!!! D-I-E !!!!!

The word "Incredible" does not even fully describe this. If I was on 34th St, the word "Miracle" would only be fitting. This is a MIRACLE if I ever saw one.

You are most likely not wondering why Sha-Lei is considered a Red Panda when that full coat is gray? Answer: It is a temporary condition and Sha-Lei will turn red by the end of the summer.

I usually turn red at the beginning of the summer. Figure that out!

The one thing Sha-Lei and I do not have in common is that I'm not in a fully functioning zoo for paying customers to gawk at.....wait, that's a lie. I work at Six Flags, silly me. Tisk Tisk.

Sha-Lei and I not only look like one another but we are part of the retail environment too!

That lil' bugger of sunshine has a place in my heart always.

Signing off,
Sean Daniel Favre & Sha-Lei the Styan red panda cub.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Billy Could Use A Robot

It's one of the more commonly known stories. The house party. We've all been to them. Many people have thrown them. And it's a drastically different situation depending on what side of the room you're on. Last week I threw a house party when my parents went away, because my parents NEVER go away, so it's reason to celebrate. My Mom can be pretty meticulous with the house, so it becomes a pretty tricky game of making sure everything is back where it should be when they return. I did the usual stuff, box up valuables, move couches, put down towels; all the essentials. I actually thought I did a damn good job, and after a pretty good cleanup the next morning, assumed I had gotten away scot free. What could my Mom POSSIBLY find?

Once again, I didn't give her enough credit.

Initially, she didn't see anything. Normally she spots stuff right away. When she didn't, I figured I was home free. Nothing was said for two days. Then the weekend hit, and when I returned home from seeing REVENGE OF THE FALLEN(facepalm) I was met with a simple question:

"So who played poker here last week?"

The reason for the question was that each other time I had a party, she spotted something and I said that I had the guys over for poker, when it actuality I had parties. My parents are never MAD, so I don't know why I freak out, but I do. Anyway, I play it pretty cool, and ask: "Why? I didn't have poker." My Mom replies: "Just....things."

Ridiculous, I think. I went crazy with this house. What did she see? I needed to ask.

"I didn't have a party, what do you see that makes you think I did?"

And that's when she tells me. There's a stain on the carpet in the kitchen, there's potato chip crumbs on the floor in the dining room, and there's a deck of cards out. How did all that happen in the one day they were gone?

I had worked too hard to let little details like this ruin me. TOO HARD. So, I opened my mouth and just hoped a reasonable excuse came out. I sputtered this:

"Yeah, uhh, had pizza, spilled sauce. Chips fell, cards were for improv." It sounded awful. But for some reason, the story was bought. In fact, my Mom seemed to feel bad for doubting me in the first place, which ya know, made me laugh, then it made me feel terrible, and then it made me laugh again.

The moral of this story is, when you're throwing a party, think twice, and then make sure you have access to technology from the end of Weird Science.