Ryan and the Hero Within?

So, as I stood behind the register today at work, I wondered what it would be like if I could just jump into the air and fly out of the store. Or better yet, if I could just crash through the wall with super human strength and not be harmed. But then I wondered what it would be like if everyone had powers - who would be good, who would be gooder, and who would be bad? I figured that if I were given a super human ability...well...I wouldn't. The powers that be figure I'd just be...retarded. Hence this segment I call "WHY I'M NOT A SUPER HERO"


If I could teleport...
It would be to one place and one place only. The bar. I would be in no condition to operate heavy machinery, let alone rescue children from a burning building.

If I could move things with my mind...
Every since I was younger, I've always had a knack for attempting to unhook womens bras. This ability would help nobody except myself. The expressions on those mother's faces as they mozied down the dairy aisle, god what a hoot!

If I were invisible...
Well, we all know how that worked out for Kevin Bacon in that invisible man movie. Not the part where he died. Ya know...that part...with...that woman....

.....just kidding?

No but seriously, I'd rape Glenn Close.


If I could turn my skin into metal...
Three words - metal porn dick.

If I could control the weather...
Blizzard in the morning, gorgeous in the evening, pizza at supper time! It would be a disaster. A NATURAL DISASTER, HEY-O! Plus, with all that weather changin' - people would be getting sick all over the place. not me though. THANKS Jason Air-Bourne.

If I could multiply myself...
Hey, Connor Evans! Remember when you made fun of me in high school? Well guess what. I'm coming for you! ALL 50 OF ME! (scratch that - make it 51. I need someone to film it)

If I were bald and handicapped...
Then I'd be Billy in 10 years.

That's all for now folks! Enjoy the rest of your week!