Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Billy's List of Movie Theater Targets Part 2

What up, blog readers? As we enter the summer movie season, I find it important to warn you of the perils of your local theater. Therefore, I'm back with another edition of Movie Theater Targets. Strap in, and prepare to dread going to your local cinemas.

So, you've got your ticket. You're allllll set to to see "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past." Dah, I mean, "Star Trek." You get your popcorn, you get your soda, you sit back and relax and you're ready to enjoy some slam bang summer actions. Then it starts. It starts simply. Someone's giggling. There's light chatter. You don't panic though. The movie hasn't started. Everyone talks a bit before hand. Even YOU. Then, the commercials end and we get to the trailers. And you can't help but notice that the talking hasn't stopped, and the giggling is getting louder. "Well THAT'S weird. Don't they realize that the trailers have started?" you think, innocently. It'd be one thing if what they were saying was funny or entertaining at all, but has it ever been? They make stupid jokes about the trailers, they make stupid jokes with their friends, and the conversations exist as if they're at a park somewhere, instead of a dark movie theater. It doesn't slow down. They just keep talking. The blood starts to boil. How RUDE are these people? The trailers end, and the people(usually teens) are still laughing. Making stupid comments about their stupid lives, thinking they're stand up comics working a set.

After the trailers comes that ad where it's rising noise of phones and babies that gets louder and louder and ends with the order of: PLEASE BE QUIET. But THEN, what the teens do, is get all IRONIC and get loud and the request of being quiet. It's FUNNY. Seriously. Think about it. Maybe a few impatient people start to: "SHHH!" them, and it quiets them for a second, but then it picks up again. The movie starts. The chatter and giggling continues. Why did they even come to a movie if they were just going to talk the whole time? Are they oblivious? Do they seek attention from everyone? Probably both. Every so often, someone makes the move to go and tell someone outside that there are a bunch of chatterboxes inside, but that's the trick. When the usher eventually comes in, that's when the teens get quiet, because they don't wanna get kicked out. Then, the usher walks out, thinking "What were they talking about? It's quiet? Those people be CRAZY!"

And so on and so forth. I'm gonna cut this one off before I start to get annoyed. Bottom line, next time you're in a theater, and you hear people talking, dump your popcorn on them. Kick them. Physically abuse them. It'll all be worth it. Tell 'em I sent you.

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