Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Seven Songs to Different Events or Activities in your life (It's basically the Garden State Soundtrack)

Music is everywhere, in the car, the shopping malls and at parties. It defines lives. We have special songs that get us through good times and shitty times. I have always been enamored with setting the right tone with just the right song. So this week I have compiled a minor list for times in my life I need songs to be played for me.

7) "Summertime" by Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jef

A perfect tune to be played mid-May when the weather is really nice and you can roll your windows down. It's the perfect summer song for cruising Ocean Avenue look for a tasty hot dog or a minor.

6) "American Woman" by The Guess Who

This song sets the mood perfectly for any party that you are at and everyone has had a few too many adult drinks. Walking through a party in the full swing with everyone going crazy with this song playing in the background makes you feel like a rock god from the seventies. If you don't go to parties like this then just higher a couple of strippers to follow you around, it gives off the same effect.

5) "There She Goes" by Six Pence None the Richer.

A great song feels fresh and versatile every time you hear and this song can be used in a wide variety of situations. I like to imagine the song coming on after I accidentally trip a co-worker, a girl farts or I crash through a ceiling and fall on to a couple in the middle coupling. The song is to be played directly after you make eye contact with the imaginary audience and wink.

4)"The Sound of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel

This song is stolen directly from the scene in the classic movie "The Graduate" where Dustin Hoffman's character is drifting in the pool and I want this song to be played whenever I submerge my head in anything liquid (pool, bathtub or kiddy pool full of jello and strippers)

3) "Hey Ya" (Cover) by Obadiah Parker

If my life was to become a movie this song would be featured in the opening shot where the audience first meets me as a character and watches me start my day in a breakfast/showering/walking to work in the city montage . May also be used for "just after breakup with significant other montage" or "death of pet."

2) "Crazy Train" by Black Sabbath (muzak version)

Randy Rhoads, rest in peace man ! He was able to transcend time,space and muzak with his guitar riffs in Crazy Train. This muzak version is one of the best songs to do your food shopping to, check it out.

1) "Jurassic Park Theme" by John Williams

This song should be used after any sexual encounter, solo or with partners. This song really sets a tender mood that can not be matched.

Seriously, come back next week when give you the top seven reasons why you should wear a Snuggy all year long.

Lizzie's Reasons to Avoid Fast Food

This just sounds gross....and not very kosher.










Fast food has been known to be as addictive as drugs. This man clearly has a problem...and a heart full of red meat!



Would you ever buy food from a homeless man? Only when I'm drunk.



The devil is in that head....I KNOW IT!



Fast food kills....with ninja skills.


Word of advise kids: if it comes with a toy, don't eat it!!!!

Jay's Been Busy

Batman: Arkham Asylum is out. Why are you reading this?

Sean's Baby Arms Thursday

Keith, Ryan and I had started to riff on a little melody about having baby arms while soaking in the hour long train rides to New York together. To give a quick example, we would pick out everyday activities that were amplified with the use of baby arms. Also, the melody was influenced from those Crossfire game commercials in the 90's. You know the ones with the line, "Crossfire! Don't get caught in the Crossfire!" So try to sing that style melody with these few examples below.

Trying to scratch my back with my baby arms!

Tying my converse sneakers with my baby arms!

Eating delicious crumb cake with my baby arms!


I think you get the idea. Now, we will see what else baby arms can be used to describe besides amazing melody lines, oh and actual babies with baby arms.

One of HDO's favorite interweb sites is a fantastic one called: Urbandictionary.com. What? You've heard of it? You love it just as much as HDO? I don't think so! But, I'm glad you know about it and enjoy it just as much as we do!

So here are two definitions for baby arms according to Urbandictionary.com:

1. Baby Arms

a bag, a pile or a line of cocaine. Also known simply as arms.
Can be procured from an arms dealer.

"Excuse me do you know where I can find any baby arms?"
"Baby arms, you know, they are short and fat and white."
"I know you are in that bathroom stall doing arms, let me in before I turn the light out."

2. Baby Arms

Central North Carolina dish consisting of:
-2lbs of chicken breast (do NOT cut the fat off). poached then sauteed
-2 bars of cream cheese.
-1/3 cup franks hot sauce
-1/3 cup chunky bluecheese
served over tortilla chips

Named for the appearance as the chicken is cut up during sauteing.

"Ted, come in here and get yourself a plate of baby arms."

So there you have it. Baby arms can be used to describe everyday activities, drug use, and food use. If you ever want a dose of that melody with different examples just see Keith, Ryan, and I and Lizzie at our next show for a lil taste of baby arm delight to your ears.

Yours Truly,
Sean

Billy's Movie Theater Targets Return

That's right folks, with the summer movie season winding down, I figure it was time for another edition of Movie Theater Targets. For the n00bs out there, this is basically my place to rant about all the different obnoxious people you encounter on your trips to the local cinema. Seriously, who let's these people out of the house.

This week? OLD PEOPLE. I'll be mean, because old people are dumb and can't work the internet.

Ok, so I had a run in with old people at a movie theater this week, and it drove me up the damn wall. I think old people have this conception of the world where they have earned their day in the sun and the right to do whatever they want. Maybe they did some bullshit like fight in a war or live through a depression or fight in a different war. I dunno, I'm sure it was tough. We're all playing our tiny sarcastic sympathy violins for you, honestly. That being said, shut the hell up in the movie theater. You may have earned the right to not look while you're driving, but you have not earned the right to ruin going to the movies.

Honestly. So, I'm sitting in the theater, waiting for the movie to start. The trailers begin, and I hear something really loud off to the side. My natural reaction is that it's the surround sound. Once I realize it's not, I'm even more confused, because for it to be people in the theater, they'd have to be talking at full volume. Who would dare do that, right? I casually turn my head and see two old bitc-, ladies, sitting and chatting up a storm. They're not even talking about the fucking trailers. Hell, they probably can't even see the trailers. They probably don't even know they're in a movie theater. They probably got lost on the way to the VFW. I've seen it a hundred times. They do not stop during the trailers. It's incredibly distracting to the point where I can't hear the trailers, all I hear are these two probably talking about the last place they remember seeing their teeth. Once the movie started, they shut up though. Who knows, maybe the volume of the movie put them into comas or something. We can only hope.

HAPPY LABOR DAY!!

Ryan and The College Kids

So, many of you guys are off to college, either as freshmen or returning underclassmen, and I wish you the best of luck! I always get very excited this time of year because I hope that my friends will return with great stories of wild drunken nights and adventuress. but in case they don't, I have a few I'd like to share!!! These are my top ten college moments!

10) On St. Patty's Day, 2007, I went to a Philly bar with my twin sister and when I went to go to the bathroom, two men slammed the door in my face. Angered, I told the bouncer that someone was doing cocaine in the bathroom. the bouncer immediately forced the door open and threw the two men out of the bar. true story. those men were keith and billy.

9) Sophomore year, I roomed with a friend of mine and we had bunk beds. I decided to line the grate under the top bunk with gay porn, a nice treat for my roommate when he came home from play practice. he was less than pleased.

8) I caught my freshman year roommate masturbating 6 times my first year at school. i told EVERYBODY. i think it even got back to him. we don't talk anymore. JUSTIN, I MISS YOU!

7) Our apartment building caught on fire and blew out the power at our school. We were told to pack our things and get out. I'm not sure why, but I convinced my friends to stay behind and pretend like zombies were coming. we got drunk in the dark as everyone else ran like fools. we didn't die. or did we?

6) I once woke up naked. covered in chinese food. that i had thrown up. Lizzie's wildest fantasy has just be confirmed.

5) Through a friend, I went to California and went to the Price Is Right. I didn't get on, but bob barker DID feel me up.

4) I was the first one to turn 21 out of my friends and after coming home from the bar, I decided to make chicken fingers. I passed out - and they caught on fire, almost burning our apartment down. My ex-roommates, to this day, will not let me live it down. speaking of which, anyone wanna live in a winter rental with me?

3) I was on an imrov team and we performed in NYC. Not that awesome. but we got high in our hotel room, and got "jerk chicken on a stick" at 4 in the morning.

2) I was asked to autograph someone's ass during some gay parade because he recognized me from my college television station. I did as he asked. and then i got a free beer and a pink fuzzy crown. Jay is jealous.

1) Mr. Belding came to our school and I got on stage with him. He asked "what tribe worshipped Screech on the Hawaii espidoes?" I responded with "Tribe WannaLickATitty?" I was then thrown of stage by his bodyguards and told not to take a photo with him. TRUE STORY.

So that's my top ten. Best of luck to everyone who is leaving us for school and we'll see you when you get back! oh, and if you see belding, tell him I said 'what's up'?'

Again Trailer Trash

Check out the facebook invite for more details !!!!

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=116814132930

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Found Pictures on the Internet" (My comedy does not discriminate against the illiterate just the elderly)

Hey, my blog is exactly one week late. I apologize and with it comes a visual feast for your eyes.

PS I put up one for last week so run and check that out, it explains everything.

7) Careful little boy...

6) I told you health care reform was a bad idea !!! (OMG topical)

5)I found this picture on Ryan's computer...

4) OMG, I told you creationism was right !!!

3) This is what Billy does on the weekend.

2) A picture from my christmas list this year.

1) A picture from my dreams.

Check back next week for a complete run down on the 7 reasons why pudding trumps jello.

Jay's Reasons for Hate

My 3 year-old roommate loves trains and I mean LOVES TRAINS. He's an avid Thomas the Tank Engine fan. He has train tracks all over this house. Each time he see's them he instantly gets happy.

When I was a kid I also had a love for trains. The bigger I could make the track the happier I was. I can't begin to explain how much I enjoyed playing trains. I would pretend to be the conductor and move the trains around by hand. "Last Stop: ThisisAwesome."

When I was five I got an electric train set. This train was so realistic and I got to control when it ran and when it stopped. Nothing is more amazing to a child and seeing something move by pushing a button. "Last Stop: IHaveTheTouchOfGod"

For years I played trains. YEARS. I loved every second of it. I'm positive it's the reason I look at a train now and say, "I'm so fucking tired of public transportation."

Sean's Patton Oswalt Thursday

At Christine's party last night I was asked who my favorite comedians are. I only said a few that came to mind, but it got me thinking about some of the other comedians that tickle my ribs. A brief list of some of my favorites are Ted Alexandro, Steven Wright, and the one and only Patton Oswalt.

This lil' guy is a walking encyclopedia of specific details that fit right nice in jokes and hilarious stories. One of the more memorable, to me, is this video below of Patton talking about the KFC Famous Bowls.

I have never had one of these bowls before, but I think Patton describes it perfectly.

Patton Oswalt on the KFC Famous bowls from Patton Oswalt

-Sean

Trailer Trash

CLICK YES on the facebook invite !

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=116814132930

Billy Doesn't Mind The Cliches

Ever been to a karaoke bar? Or done karaoke? Sure you have, what are you, a communist? Every time I go to a place where I'm drunk enough(or sober and happy enough) to get in front of people an sing, I always put far too much thought into my song selection. There is a part of me that wants to play something that no one has ever heard before. I want to blow them away with originality and have them stunned. There's a problem with that logic though. If I stun them and they're speechless, that means they could all hear my off-key "singing" even better, and may become more prone to bail on the bar and find a street corner to sing on and maybe make some money off of it.

That being said, there's some pressure to bust out a classic to get the crowd into it, but I think you really only get half the crowd actually into it. If people are drunk enough, any of the essentials sound terrific, and you get that initial recognition of the song: "OHHHHHHHHHH SHIT!!!" followed by full volume drunk blasting to start, and ending with a weak rendition of the final chorus as you grasp for breath. Knowing that you only have a short time to bring the crowd to its feet, you need to get them together and go with the classics, despite the moans.

Honestly, I know it's been played to absolute death. I truely get that, and I know it's gone from corny song, into ironically popular back to corny and uncool but I truely do not care: "Don't Stop Believing" is probably the greatest karaoke song of all time. It's a fact. The song will have its haters, the song will have its detractors, the song will have the people that are "too cool" and don't join in because they've heard the song too many times. That's fine, I hope they enjoy their time on their soapbox of lameness. Yeah, I went there. If you don't hear Don't Stop Believing and immediately get on your feet and belt out the words, you're a Nazi. That's just how it is. And if you are, I know some guys in the killing nazi business, and business is a boomin.

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Seven Ways to Say You are Sorry (I know my blog is late)

I have been truant and I apologize. This week I feel like I need to make amends with the readers of the blog I have complied a list of way that I like to say "I am sorry". The list this week will be as broad and non-specific as possible so you can take what I have bestowed upon you and use it out in the real world.

7) "I wuve You"

For this one you need to make sure you have eye contact with the person recieveing the apology and repeat the statement unrelentingly until the person accepts. This works on small children, grandparents and lower IQ girlfriends.

6) "I am sorry I did _______, please take ________"

In the real world most people require retribution for actions against them. A practical, real world solution to doing something wrong. This tactic works on drug dealers, slum lords and playground bullies.

5) "Thank you sir, may I have another"

For the masochists in the crowd.

4) "I am, Oh MY GOD IS THAT A DEER"

The key to this apology is redirection. Begin saying your sorry but quickly divert the persons attention away from it with something shiny like a coin or a fake wild animal outside. This is great when dealing with your boss or principal.

3):: farts loudly:: "Deal with it"

This is the way Lizzie apologizes.

2)ごめんなさい

This is the Japanese way of saying "I am sorry". It is to be muttered under your breath and quickly followed by a self inflicted knife wound to stomach.

1) Take me

If all else fails offer your body. This works on porn stars or your mom... sick burn!

Don't forget to come back next week for my top seven guide to gauging your flabby body parts.

Lizzie Loves Old English!

Now I'm not talking about the kind of old english you find in a liquor store (although I do love that as well). No, I am talking about that ye ole english spoken by the one and only Mr. William Shakespeare.

I am quite the fan of Shakespeare. I love to read it, perform it, and even throw some references about it in our shows now and again! But nothing compares to what I was able to experience on Friday. For what I witnessed on stage was the Improvised Shakespeare Company!

These dudes put improv on a whole other level. I caught their show in NYC at the Upright Citizens Brigade's Del Close Marathon. All these five guys dressed in Elizabethan garb do is get a suggestion for a play title. Then they proceed to put on a one act play with all the classic styles of Shakespeare, complete with scorned lovers, an evil duke, sword fights, musicians, and lots of blood!

Based out of Chicago's IO Theatre (Improv Olympics), the Improvised Shakespeare Company performs every Friday. Here is a clip from their performance at last year's Del Close Marathon!



P.S.- Sean, Jay, and I have a huge crush on Blaine (the dude in the pony tail!)

News

http://www.njfa.com/

Check out the New Jersey Film Alliance. They put together an awesome trailer clip show that we are hosting this September, 18 2009. Check back for exact details later.

-LOOOOVe

H.D.Off

Jay's Ugly Truth

A new series I'm making on xtranormal.com.

Sean's Sitcom Plan Thursday

My sitcom would consist of many things that we experience in our day. Here is an overview, or outline for you technical word processing college students, of my sitcom.

List of Characters:
Main Family:
Father: Town Drunk
Mother: Died from Tuberculosis
Brother: Football Star
Sister: Drunk Town Slut

Neighbors:
Father: Pastor
Mother: Ritzy
Brother: Died from Heart Condition
Adopted Brother: From Venezuela who speaks one word of English; "Coffee"
Older Sister: Cheerleader
Younger Sister: Town Drug Dealer

Filler Characters:
Liquor Store Owner
Church Lady #3
Football Coach
Overachieving English Teacher
Psychiatrist/Motivational Speaker
Beekeeper

Setting:
Suburban town in NJ
1997

Episode Titles:
The Power of Christ Lapels You
World War Three?
Starbucks, Oh Schucks
Don't Talk About Your Mother Like That!
I Sing The Body Electric
She's Not Coming Back
Shattered Realms Bring May Flowers

Budget:
$500,000 of company money
$12 of my own
$Donations$

I know it's a quick list but it's only up from here to fill in all the details. I would say this sitcom would run for 10 seasons like Friends. I say this because no one watched or liked watching Friends.

-Sean

dr. miche's midweek musings...

hey everyone....





let me just say how much i miss you all - and i'll be seeing you soon.





however, i just need to show you guys something i found disturbing... you know how Keith loves zombies??





yeah, I don't.





i have no idea why... actually, scratch that - i think i figured out that my fear of zombies can be traced back to michael jackson...





let me explain.





as is becoming brutally obvious, i'm a bit older than you guys, and therefore 'thriller' was much more the rage when i was a child than the rest of you. and yeah, my first viewing of the video of the title track scarred me for life. there's the part.... with the zombie guy.... blood or black goo spewing out of his mouth....





and a phobia was born.





Well, fast-forward to this week - my most beloved band released the first single from their upcoming album, and the artwork for the single has just been released:


ZOMBIE TEDDY BEARS!!?!?!

Great. I won't sleep for a week. Thanks Dom, Chris and Matt.

Hiding my stuffed animals and battling night terrors,
michelle

Bill's White(In Case You Weren't Sure)

Yes, it's true everybody. I'm very very white. I don't know if you've caught on to that fact. I'm super Irish, and I don't tan, I just go beet red when exposed to the sun. That's not a lie. On a long drive several weeks ago, I was in the passenger seat, had my arm out the window for about 20 minutes, and I came home and it looked like my right arm was bleeding internally. It wasn't. It was just shocked by all the NOT florescent lighting.

This blog isn't about tans though. Quite frankly I could care less if I get any sun. Make lame, uninspired vampire jokes all you want, but it's just not something that interests me. The people that know me don't expect a tan, and anyone that is weirded out by my lack of a tan and doesn't know me clearly cares about skin color and is a racist; and I want nothing to do with them. No, this blog is actually about dance clubs.

No, really.

I'm a bar/pub kinda guy. Always have been. Always will be. I don't have any doubt in that fact. When I go out to drink socially, I like to sit at a bar, or a table with some friends and throw back some beers while hanging out, making jokes and having a good time. It's what I do at home, and sometimes I like to treat myself to going out and having slightly nicer beer in a place that's not my basement. It's always a good time. However, there are times when I wind up somewhere I really dread, and that's a dance club. I do not get why these places exist, but what I REALLY don't get and can't stand are the people who LOOOOVE dancing and spend their time at a dance club trying to pull you onto the dance floor, or dance around you because they know it makes you feel uncomfortable. I get it, you love to dance and I don't. It's really very clever. Now please go away. AM I RIGHT?!

Seriously, what's the appeal of these places? You go into a dark weirdly lit room. There is absolutely horrific music blaring. The lyrics are gibberish, if there even are lyrics. The drinks are $9. There's nowhere to move around. Most of the place is a giant dance floor. If there's nowhere else to stand you need to be "that guy" not dancing yet still on the dance floor. It's embarrassing. People that love dancing should be able to enjoy themselves without having to get non-dancers to drink the kool-aid. It's not going to happen. You girls can go dance all over each other in your psuedo-lesbian "Oh my God I just wanna DANCE" kinda style, and let the guys enjoy their beers somewhere else. We'll all be much happier this way.

(I know some guys do enjoy dancing. I don't have any problem with guys that like to dance. If that's how they let loose, more power to him. Even if you do look ridiculous. And no, I don't NOT dance because I care about looking ridiculous, I think I look ridiculous doing just about anything; I just don't need to pay a $10 cover, along with at least $40 on drinks while having a bass blow out my ear drums to do it.)

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Seven Signs of the Impending Apocalypse" (The Mayan Doom clock is set to 4 minutes before Quesadilla)

Every time you turn on the news (Fox) they are constantly discussing the end of the world. They believe the end is going to come when a man and a man and a midget get married on top of a melting glacier. I think the end of the world will come because western society sucks.

7)Fried Oreos.

As godly as a deep fried, funnel cake battered Oreo sounds. It will be the downfall of humankind. It begins with battered baked goods and it ends with chocolate covered hamburgers baked into a cheese cake (a coronary wrapped in a bigger coronary). Oh my God, I need to go ....

6)Labiaplasty.

First there was a boob job then there was "mommy make overs". Now for all the women who hate their vaginas there is labiaplasty. Vanity will be the down fall of western society. Thats why they call it bumping uglies.

5)Smoking fetish.

People and their fetishes gross me out. I can understand bondage, orgies and the occasional golden shower but smoking. I watch a 34 minute long video the other night of a women smoking and talking, naked. Why? I really don't get it. This one really doesn't have to do with the end of the world it just makes me want the end to come quicker.

4)Twitter.com

As a promotional tool it is fantastic but the liberal media is using it to take us out of our physical lives to endlessly commentate on what is going on around us while the world passes us by. Nobody cares what kinda of waffles you ate this morning or how shit faced you got at a Dave Matthew's concert last night. While the bombs are dropping I will be reading about people faces melting off 3 seconds before mine does the same.

3)Children’s cellphones

Why would a child under the age of 16 need a cellphone? Spending all day attached to their iPHONEs or blackberrys they are going to become mindless zombies with giant thumbs who will surely swarm the planet and take over when the dead finally rise.

2)Deep v neck shirts for men

Hipsters and drug addicts rejoice, fashion has begun to make you feel better about your emaciated appearances. People who set the trends set the size of impressionable teenagers waste lines and with these new shirts that show off the nothingness of their insides. People will start dropping like flies to fit into a deep v. Literally the neck line starts at the navel, why don't they just wear a vest.

1)Bad-Dragon.com (content not safe for work)

The number one reason why the world will come to an end sooner then later is the fact that there is a website that sells "approximations of mythical reptilian phalluses" or as the kids are calling it these days, dragon dildos. That's right for all the women and gay men who grew up with Harry Potter or the Lord of the Rings and always wondered what it would be like to have an giant fire breather's wang inside of them don't have to wonder any more.

Check back next week for my top seven recipes for Ryan's Grandma's Muffins

Lizzie Loves Blood! (synthetic blood that is...)

I looooooove True Blood!!! It is the BEST show on tv right now (try to fight me on it....just try!) I love it so much that sometimes at work I sort of hallucinate and think that all the beer bottles are actually bottles of Tru Blood! Seriously, I have literally said to myself "Wait, we don't sell Tru Blood". I'm crazy, I know, but recently I discovered that I'm not as crazy as I think I am. This sudden reliance in my sanity is due to the fact that Tru Blood is now a REAL DRINK!!!!!

I KNOW!!!!!

I cannot wait for these babies to hit stores! check it out!
http://www.trubeverage.com/

Jay's No Bull

This past weekend I spent some quality time with my family members from the fuck-the-union state of Texas. Now they're not from Texas nor have a southern drawl but it's just important to know that there not from the area.

They wanted to sight see in the Big Apple (NYC, for all you tards) more specifically, see the famed Bowling Green Bull (aka Wall Street Bull). Thinking it would be best to save the bull for last we decided to tour Midtown because we were already in the area.

We attempted to go to the MOMA because Fridays are sponsored by K-Mart and admission is free after 4 pm. Little did we know that disgusting creatures would keep us from entering the building. The creatures formed a line for the free passes. A line of freeloading hipsters! The stench of obnoxious, smug, and Patchouli overwhelmed my senses so we were forced away from the area. We decided to head south to China Town.

A premature subway exit caused us to walk a little more that we should have. Good thing it happened because we saw some things in the Chinese market that I have never seen. Well, I just lied a bit. I have seen frogs before but not frogs in a bucket ready to be smashed to death so a person could eat them. We passed on the live frogs for some Chinese food from the famed Joe's Shanghai (Off Mott on Pell) Do it! Then it was time to grab the bull by the horns.

We made our way down Broadway to arrive at the bull. It's iron bod was surrounded by gawkers. We made our way to the least busy section of the bull, its ass. My cousin got a great shot of himself feeling its ass. The photo inspired some other people to do the same. Now I'm not saying that he is the first person to get a picture of the bulls ass. However, the other people standing at the bull did not think of it. Which brings me to my favorite part of the day.

These 3 dudes approached us and asked very politely if we could take a picture of them with the bull. We agreed and then the dudes got in position; a position that was apparently 1 dude per ass cheek and 1 getting dirty with the bull balls. We snapped the shot, they thanked us, and proceeded with there day; as if it was a completely normal photo. My 60+ year old aunt took one of the pictures. I really admire these 3 dudes style. To make old ladies photograph them touching bull balls takes some serious testicular fortitude. We finished up taking pics of the bull and left the city; sights seen, horns grabbed, and ball-fondling witnessed.

Lovely Day.

Sean's Stranded Island Fantasy Thursday

Here is the 2nd chapter of my stranded island fantasy novel, Sand & Hardships. This will be written in first person and as a lonely romance novel.


Chapter 2: Bed Memories

I wake up on the beach sprawled out spread eagle style. The waves are slowly smashing on the sand near my feet making the rags of clothing, that are barely clinging to me, rustle in the breeze. The sun is almost up which can only mean the start of a new day. I can't get the horrors of the shipwreck, with all my Navy buddies that happened a week ago, out of my mind. I keep picturing Enrique's face over and over again.

The first thing I do before I get up to wander the island is masturbate. My toes ruffle in the sand as I think of past loves and other dirty things beside the sand. I feel the warm sun coating my football pigskin tan. My crotch pirate is like a rotisserie chicken marinating in its own juices of love. When I ejaculate it's like a thousand cupcakes exploding onto the sand beside me. My heart palpitates to the rhythm of ecstasy flowing from my hind quarters. Reminds me of Enrique's quarters on the ship. Blast it! If there was only something I could have done to prevent the fate of our rock hard crew! If only!

I brush some sand over my seeds and stand up with my knees shaking from inactivity and stiffness. It's time to collect necessities. I have to get a better plan. I have already spelled the word, "Fuck Nasty" on the beach without seeing any results. What I can start building is a shelter. To be protected from any future elements of danger that will lurk around the corner of vegetation. I must not forget about the rains that could come any day. The beachfront has been an open safe haven, but it can't be used forever. It's time to move and scope out more. I'll look for jollies to make the day pass bringing me closer to sexy old age and rescue.

I could use a coconut to get my nut off in again. Carpe Diem!



Preview of Chapter 3: Scraping Up What I Can Get
"I can't remember the last time I felt the touch of someone else on my tender non-virgin like skin. I must fight these feelings, I'm lonely, I want to feel the hot red fire on my arse after a good forceful spanking. I must find some kind of food so I can get my rocks off before the sun gets too hot to be out in."


So there it is Chapter 2 and a preview of Chapter 3 for your eyes only. Let me know of any publishers that would remotely think of "putting out" this masterpiece of mine. I know it's gold you don't have to tell me twice...I KNOW!

Till next week you bottles of sunshine. I'll be waiting.

-Sean

YUP

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Billy's Confession

I killed JKF.

Billy Doesn't Belong Here

Anyone that knows me knows that I'm a pretty simple guy when it comes to food. I'll fairly standard in my love for sweet glorious burgers, a sandwich of pretty much any kind, and ya know, bacon. When it comes to going out to eat, I like the same kind of places. Many of my friends bitch because I don't like anything different, but I frankly don't care enough to seek out new stuff. At this point in my life, what's best for me physically is to NOT find more food that I like eating. I have a tough enough time as it is, being surrounded by chain restaurants and food of all sorts that I devour.

SO, when it comes to eating at nicer places, I find myself flustered and not knowing how to act. It may seem cliched, but it's true. I just feel completely out of place. For my Mom's birthday, she wanted to get the family together, get dressed up and head to an uber-fancy place in town called The Raven and The Peach. This was a place that I drove past thousands of times in my life, but never wanted to go in because of stories of how expensive it was, how upscale it was, and how for such a little lot, they still found it necessary to have a valet guy. BUT, this is what my Mom wanted, sooo, off we went.

We give the car to the valet guy who promptly parks four spots down from where we were standing. We still needed to tip for that. Unreal. We go inside, get seated, and I'm met with a barrage of silverware. There are four forks, a big knife, a small butter knife on a smaller plate, and two glasses. I had no idea what this stuff was for. I mean, I had a basic idea, but for God's sake, 7 pieces of silverware, really? We get drinks, and the menu gets handed to us, and WOW. The prices. How do people have the stones to charge this much for a damn piece of steak with some potatoes? I felt cheap just ordering it, trying to use the right accent on things. I felt like a hillbilly. All I want is a damn piece of meat. Who do these people think they are? Do they think they're better than me? Even the standard rolls and butter they need to make super pompous, by handing out pumpernickel bread and bread with raisins. Give me a damn roll, ya douchebags! Oh hey, look, a complimentary appetizer! NOW we're talking. Wait. What is this? Oh, it's a thin slice of cucumber with a small piece of fruschetta on top. It's what I've ALWAYS wanted. Oh, and you gave it it's own plate. Very necessary. Where the frick are the chicken fingers?

To their credit, the steak was really delicious; and the service was very good. That being said, I felt like a total poseur. I got my water refilled all the time, because I felt guilty ordering alcoholic drinks, thinking they'd be about a week's pay for me. I think next time, I'm going to stick with the Cheesy Bacon Cheeseburgers. See, you can tell it's good because the word cheese is in the name twice.

Ryan and Week in Review

Dear Sisters,

Moments I found humorous or disturbing over the past week or so.

1) After a day in the city, it was my time to depart the train at the Middletown station. before I got off, I announced (loudly) that i hoped Keith's Erotic Cake Business was going to bring him nothing but success. The girl sitting behind him on the train said "ewww"

2) A group of girls at work went into a fitting room with more than five items (which is a HUGE no-no in retail world) To humiliate them (and stop myself from killing...myself) I grabbed some room spritz and wafted the air in the fitting room they were in, announcing to the back to school shoppers "Pee-yew! Why does this fitting room stink all of a sudden?!" They quickly departed after their purchase and could not bare to look at me in the eyes. they will remember that forever. I swear to god, they will.

3) During an improv class, a young man named Geofferey was asked if he had any amusing mispronunciations of his name. he told everyone that "one time, someone called me "Gorf'"

4) My dad is in a raffle to win an M16 for his Red Banks Elk Lodge...and he REALLY wants to win it.

5) my friend met a young girl at a bar and they began to chat. After getting her name, he would say things like "so what do you do for a living, Jared?" or "Where are you from, Jared?" A few moments later the girl looked to him, with I assume nothing but disgust, and said "are you calling me Jared?" My friend replied with a friendly nod. "My name is fucking Sharon!" She walked away, which solidifies my belief that my friend has no game and will never know the touch of another woman.

6) I was always a fan of playing games in the summer. and during the week, I noticed my young neighbor - who may be 11, playing tag with her sister. Later that night, the young girl was walking her puppy outside my house. I was getting into my car when I said "hey, I was watching you today! (okay, creepy) I mean, i was watching you play tag today and saw you get into your mom's van (still creepy)" I then offered her some pringles, and she accepted. We began to munch and chit chat - when her father came out, and probably assumed that I was selling her durgs solely based on the fact that we looked like we were hiding behind my car. i felt wrong. So I practically told her to get off my lawn because I was leaving, like she was the fucked up one.

7) Driving down the street, I saw my neighbor from afar and came to a stop to say hello. When asked where I was going, I said "to a beer pong tournament". Jokingly, she got into the car as he daughter watched, with much confusion. We laughed it off - so hilarious - hahahaha. My neighbor got out and wished me luck. I retardedly repsonded with "thanks, I could really use the money". My neighbor's eyes became hungry - and she ran back into my car and told her daughter to find something to eat in the house. I sat in the car - laughing, but slightly shocked - and needed about a minute to convince her that i already had a partner.

8) there's a dead deer rotting in my woods. and it fucking stinks. I have no idea how it got there, but I'm willing to bet my dad's M16 had something to do with it.

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "I woke up after a bachelor party and this was on my computer"

Comic bookx are a reel good time. Robert Krikman is my favorite new authro. It i was 4am after a goodass bachelor party.

7)The password is "clams casino."

6)Are you ready to party?

5)Give me the bachelur bear.

4) Rainn rain go away.

3)porn

2/Trapsist monks make cscrzy good beeer.

1RYAN BERERRY

Has anyone seen my wallet.

Lizzie Loves Drunks!

If you know me well...and I'm sure you all do....you know that I adore the act of recreational drinking. It has been a family pass time for centuries, filled with the joys of stumbles, unnecessary arguments, waaay too much kissing, and the occasional vomiting(me last Sunday). But there are times in my life when I do enjoy being sober.....and that is only when I'm watching OTHER DRUNKS!!!!! Here are a few of my favorite drunks at the moment:

Drunk man at train stop: So while returing home from NYC, the train stops at Middletown and I see this perfect specimen of an old drunk bum dancing and singing on the other side of the tracks. He's holding a can of Bud and seeing how far across the tracks his spit will go. I couldn't help but laugh at the utter merriment this man was having by himself, even when he was just inches away from falling off the platform. That man knows how to party!

Lady who needs a taxi: This is a love/hate relationship right here. So this crazy drunk woman comes into my place of employment and needs a cab cause it's pouring outside. She also needs it to be a specific cab # and cab driver. Now if you've ever called a cab company, they don't give a shit about that so I got hung up on like 5 times. Meanwhile, crazy drunk lady proceeds to fall asleep on my hostess stand, fiddle with my papers, and try to set me up with her invisible son. Although she was a pain to help out and caused me to stay at work later than I should, she will always have a special place in my heart.

My former roommate: One of my best friends, I love seeing her when she gets shit piss drunk! She is the classic drunk that I adore. Getting people to dance, challenging people to shots, having deep conversations totally out of place at a bar, sitting in the middle of the road, playing on a swing set, jumping into the ocean, and sitting on a curb for half an hour. She is fun fun fun for everyone and the epitome of drunk 20-somethings across America. God bless!

My parents: Family parties here we come! I'm from a family that very much enjoys drinking. none of us are alcoholics per se, but we can never have enough beer when the extended fam drops by. That is when I get to see my rents in full swing! My mother, who claims she can "drink you and your brother under the table" probably could have back in her prime. Now she still drinks just as much, but with a much lower tolorance. Get 2 margaritas in her and she is the happiest little Irish woman in the world!Then there's my dad....oh dad. Give him one glass of wine and you will get a show of maybe half of the childhood tv characters you grew up on from the 80's and 90's. After that, you will get a very long breakdown of Obama's current drama-rama and then let him sleep it off on the couch while the Mets game is blasting. It's not too different from when they're sober, but it's all hightened which is awsome!

That's just a few examples of my fav drunks. There have been many others in my past, so next time you see me we can swap stories of the drunks we hold near and dear to our hearts. Until then, I'm gonna go drink out of a boot!

Sloppy drunk kisses to all!!!!!