Monday, August 3, 2009

Ryan and Week in Review

Dear Sisters,

Moments I found humorous or disturbing over the past week or so.

1) After a day in the city, it was my time to depart the train at the Middletown station. before I got off, I announced (loudly) that i hoped Keith's Erotic Cake Business was going to bring him nothing but success. The girl sitting behind him on the train said "ewww"

2) A group of girls at work went into a fitting room with more than five items (which is a HUGE no-no in retail world) To humiliate them (and stop myself from killing...myself) I grabbed some room spritz and wafted the air in the fitting room they were in, announcing to the back to school shoppers "Pee-yew! Why does this fitting room stink all of a sudden?!" They quickly departed after their purchase and could not bare to look at me in the eyes. they will remember that forever. I swear to god, they will.

3) During an improv class, a young man named Geofferey was asked if he had any amusing mispronunciations of his name. he told everyone that "one time, someone called me "Gorf'"

4) My dad is in a raffle to win an M16 for his Red Banks Elk Lodge...and he REALLY wants to win it.

5) my friend met a young girl at a bar and they began to chat. After getting her name, he would say things like "so what do you do for a living, Jared?" or "Where are you from, Jared?" A few moments later the girl looked to him, with I assume nothing but disgust, and said "are you calling me Jared?" My friend replied with a friendly nod. "My name is fucking Sharon!" She walked away, which solidifies my belief that my friend has no game and will never know the touch of another woman.

6) I was always a fan of playing games in the summer. and during the week, I noticed my young neighbor - who may be 11, playing tag with her sister. Later that night, the young girl was walking her puppy outside my house. I was getting into my car when I said "hey, I was watching you today! (okay, creepy) I mean, i was watching you play tag today and saw you get into your mom's van (still creepy)" I then offered her some pringles, and she accepted. We began to munch and chit chat - when her father came out, and probably assumed that I was selling her durgs solely based on the fact that we looked like we were hiding behind my car. i felt wrong. So I practically told her to get off my lawn because I was leaving, like she was the fucked up one.

7) Driving down the street, I saw my neighbor from afar and came to a stop to say hello. When asked where I was going, I said "to a beer pong tournament". Jokingly, she got into the car as he daughter watched, with much confusion. We laughed it off - so hilarious - hahahaha. My neighbor got out and wished me luck. I retardedly repsonded with "thanks, I could really use the money". My neighbor's eyes became hungry - and she ran back into my car and told her daughter to find something to eat in the house. I sat in the car - laughing, but slightly shocked - and needed about a minute to convince her that i already had a partner.

8) there's a dead deer rotting in my woods. and it fucking stinks. I have no idea how it got there, but I'm willing to bet my dad's M16 had something to do with it.

No comments:

Post a Comment