Sunday, June 7, 2009

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Why Internet dating is a grand old idea (Now with 100% more real life experiences)"

I hate going out to pick people up at the bars or any social situation and since I started playing World Of Warcraft for 18 hours a day I figured my entire life can be operated from the computer. With the advent of twitter and other social networking websites I have taken it upon myself to weave a cautionary tale for you, a tale of love and the Internet.

7) Nobody on the Internet is poor

You would think people who can’t afford food; water or shelter would not have the Internet. You guessed wrong, on average, one in five dates I go on the person is a homeless. These people aren’t even the adorable clown hobos or even the classic boxcar drifters. They are addicted to crack looking to score a human kidney.

6) Nobody on the Internet is a transsexual

Let me tell you how well gender reassignment surgery has come since it’s inception in the 1970’s. So far that I have had to ask my former fiancĂ© to submit to a blood test, a blood test that he/she failed.

5) Nobody on the Internet is a prison inmate

Apparently being incarcerated in a federal penitentiary cannot stop players from playing, lovers from loving, huggers from hugging and daters from raping.

4)Nobody on the Internet is your former teacher from the seventh grade who stared at you the entire class.

What an awkward blind date with Mrs. Appernathy that was. Her husband dropped her off at the restaurant.

3)Nobody on the Internet is your former teacher from sixth grade you stared at you the entire class.

What an awkward blind date that was with Coach Dretsal and was apparently filmed by Mrs. Appernathy and sold on the Internet

2) Nobody on the Internet is your former school mascot that stared at you the entire pep rally.

All I have to say is holding hands with a bright blue beagle in a New York City club is awesome. You will see this one again on the “Top seven things Keith would never expect to do in his life” list

1) Nobody on the Internet is girl from your former college

A girl who will seem really cool and you hit it off really well with on the first date. Then spend 6 months together in what you thought was a really great relationship. Sharing personal thoughts, going on vacations, taking long drives out to the country to have passion picnics with. Until she goes on a class hiking trip and makes out with a dude then tells you the news on your 22nd birthday.

One of these is a true story but it is up to you to decide.

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