Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Ryan and the Celebrity Run In

So...Ashley Tisdale came in to the Monmouth Mall a few weeks ago (or so I'm told) and I started thinking about how our conversation would go had I helped her pick out her sizes (which happens to be an x-small in women's. just like me) So, I was plagued - ABSOLUTELY PLAGUED with thoughts of how we would become friends and go to parties together because everyone else thinks she's a bitch. Then we'd drive around in my mom's buick lesabre and eat taco bell. but then I started to recall two times in my life when I crossed paths with "stars" and..it didn't go exactly as I had planned.

Spring of Junior Year, 2006: Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell comes to La Salle University as a motivational speaker. First off, let me say, Dennis Haskins should use the term "motivational speaker" very, very lightly. But, as any college campus would prepare for such a celeb, I got hammered before going to see the old guy. Halfway through his speech, I started craving more beer - but I was sucked right back into Haskin's energy when he announced that a trivia game would be taking place. I had no shame and stood up, raising my hand, screaming to be a contestant. Lucky for me, Mr. belding noticed and called me up on stage. I then...jesus christ, I started to rub his back. He looked at me and said "we're gonna have to work our way up to that" and the trivia game was under way. He asked a question about "Leon Carossi played the voice of what character in The Lion King?" and I said Pumba, which was right! However, the girl next to me was getting all the OTHER questions right and she won some dvds and a signed poster. Jealousy...I was filled with it. So, I figured I had to go big or go home. The next question he posed was "what tribe worshipped screech in the hawaii episode?" I raised my hand and Haskins placed the microphone in front of my face. I smiled. "Triba Wanna-lick-a-titty?" Silence. The next thing I knew, Mr. Belding is pointing me to the stairs and two "security guards" (with braids in their hair) escort me off the stage, claiming I'm not in the "right state of mind" to be playing with Mr. Haskins. Go fuck yourself. HE LOVED ME!

Summer 2007, Six Flags Great Adventure:

Katharine McPhee, ya know, the runner up on American idol, performed at Six Flags. Again, I was plastered. And thank god. it was, my boyfriend, and about 70 12-year-old girls. Anyway, after she sang and danced and queefed, it was AUTOGRAPH TIME! I was way in the back, pretending to interview her from far away, asking questions like "how does it feel to sing Kelly's leftover tracks?!" One girl then looked to me and very snobbily said "what are you even doing here?" me, being the adult that i am, bent down and said "what are YOU doing here? She doesn't even like you." As we got closer, much time had passed and Kat had to get back on the road for her "tour". Anyway, she was getting really pressed for time and asked that people not get out their cameras because she didn't have enough time to take all those photos. So, the girl next to me took out her camera and I saw this, so I simply reminded her that "katharine McPhee is a celebrity and she's too famous for pictures. hell-o!" So, I look straight ahead and...Katharine McPhee stops what she's doing, looks straight and me and says "what did you just say?" I think I peed. I really do. I blew it. How was she going to be my friend after that?!

Well, she signed my six flags i.d. card, and we went our merry. Wish I felt her up, though. That woulda been sweet.

Long story short - Ashley Tisdale, if you're reading this - come visit me at work and we'll do lunch!!!

- Ry Guy

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