Sunday, June 14, 2009

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Things I will never do in my life , even if I my head is transfered to another body.

This week I have decided to give the faithful readers a list of things that I will never do. I should tell you the list has things that could really happen to me, nothing like "I would never eat a million pounds of bacon" or "I would never watch Titanic" because those are things that are so far out of the realm of possiblity it would not be worthwhile to write about.

7)I will never make change from a donation jar.

I will never make change from a donation jar because donating to a charity is a very honorable thing but putting in a ten-dollar bill into the Animal Shelter Benefit and taking out eight singles is like a mini holocaust. Basically you are telling everyone around you that you care, but only so much. Don’t you feel dirty and cheap and dirty. My mother taught me right and you never make change from a donation jar. Drop the full amount in and walk away. Who knows who is watching when you take the money out? People could be thinking, “Wow that dirty, cheap ass man just stole from a donation jar. Let’s go key his car.”

6)I will never let the communists win.

I will never let the communists win because there is nothing less American then communism and if you are anything like me than you know I bleed red white and blue. After typing last sentence I am surprised nobody has removed the red from our flag because of its affiliation with the communist regime. Sharing anything that I have earned is something I am not ok with. I will not share my snack, my job or my gun. I guess my commie kindergarten teacher Mrs. Trotsky didn’t pollute me with her Red agenda. In fact I am going to call Senator McCarthy on her commie ass right now.

5)I will never have a personal, serious twitter account.

I will never have a personal or serious Twitter account because Twitter, or as I like to call it SHITTER is truly the downfall of modern society. Cyber vanity at its peak and Shitter takes away from the vast majority of human interaction. I don’t care what you had for breakfast or how far away from home you are while you drive back from work. NOBODY GIVES A DAMN WHAT YOU ARE DOING, EVER. I am going to conduct a study of people with Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, and any other social networking sites and see how many of them actually die alone or at least at their computer.

4)I will never collect dolls

I will never collect dolls. My grandmother collects dolls and every time I come over she makes me greet all 314 of those dolls by name. She also has Alzheimer’s but I don’t think that has anything to do with it. Why would you want to collect anything that has a face, it is super creepy. You know who had a big doll collection? Jay, he loves troll dolls.

3)I will never bowl a perfect score.

I will never bowl a perfect score. 300 hundred is just unattainable. The closest I ever came to bowling a perfect game was turkey. Turkey for all of you non-bowling aficionados is three strikes in a row and its delicious. There are two main reasons I will never bowl a perfect score. The first being the fact that I am poor athlete, the second being the fact that the bowling alley I go to just burned down.

2)I will never be a tree.

I will never be a tree because tree’s are to the world as gimps are to a dominatrix. Tree's are the world's bitch and have nothing to say about it. Have you ever read “The Giving Tree” that tree shared with the kid everything it had and in return the kid was a dick. They share their leaves for shade, their food for us to stay alive, their wood for warmth and they don’t ask anything in return. Holy shit, trees are communists. I am going to stop recycling now so the communists don't win.

1)I will never date a woman with the same name as my sister or mother.

I will never date a woman with the same first name as my sister or my mother because of the intimate moments. How would people know if you are really thinking about your significant other or your blood relatives? It really freaks me out meeting people that are dating and share the names of their relatives. But dating someone with your grandmother’s name is ok as long as there is a twenty year age difference.



  1. i'd tell you how funny this is, but you'd just tell me to shut up.