Saturday, October 10, 2009

Sean's Imaginary Best-Man Wedding Speech

So I went to a wedding for my two friends, Dave and Caitlin, this afternoon at Allaire State Park. I got to see some faces that I haven't gotten the chance to gawk at in public, as well as some parents of some of those friendly faces that I haven't gotten the chance to gawk at in public. The whole ceremony and traditions of a wedding can be, how do you say- repetitive. So through all my observations for the day there was one small thing that showed where someone could break out from the customs. Now, we've seen it in countless movies and those bad porn plot talking pictures, but I would like to share my speech as a Best-Man for the groom in my imaginary wedding experience.

Hello everyone, I'm glad we could all make it out today to witness Peter and Deb's day they tied the knot. I've known Peter since we were kids, throwing rocks in the pond off of Susan Dr. so we could see how many skips each of us could get, hanging out at the local roller rink throwing our gum at the bathroom ceiling, and when we used to skip school at least two days a week to hang out at Old Man Skip's house. I can remember all the times Old Man Skip would show us how to sharpen scissors, he would always just pull out a pair from the right pocket of his jeans flawlessly. He must have told us how to do that at least six times a day, Peter. I digress, I know, let's talk about this happy couple.

I remember the first time Peter told me of Deb. She sounded like another one of Peter's, fuck 'em and leave 'em fucks like usual, but there seemed to be a twinkle in his eye when he talked about Deb. In fact, that twinkle was a few bits of silver glitter that Deb wore because, how she explained it, everything looks better with glitter. I couldn't agree more with Deb :wink wink:!

So the two of them kept getting it on for awhile, moved in with each other, they both lost their jobs, we're collecting unemployment and living off of food stamps, they pawn almost half of their belongings, they make no effort to find a job, their unemployment runs up, their food stamps run out, Deb starts losing teeth, they pawn off the rest of their belongings, Peter can't get rid of this bad rash, the open sores turn into an infection, Deb had to wrap Peter in a sheet and carry him three miles to the hospital, they waited for hours until they could see Peter, they get charity care, they eat out of dumpsters and garbage cans in the park, they asked for a lot of help from others but no one really did anything about it, including myself, and after living in a homeless shelter with no place to go, they finally started to get things together to where you see them today. They found some overnight jobs at the Wal-Mart and it's been uphill ever since.

These two are anything but selfish. They are the definition of true love, through sickness and health, the bad times and the good, that we can lose our jobs and Deb can lose some teeth and make it out on top, or at least what we will accept as the top of what they can get. I like to think to myself that sure Peter could have found someone better, that if he went on with his "fuck 'em and leave 'em fucks" maybe Deb wouldn't have dragged him down so far that they had to give up everything they owned and earned only to wind up in a homeless shelter. But, I digress, I know, let's leave on a good note.

I'm very happy for these two love birds and I'm glad that I could be a special part of their wedding day. I think we can all agree that these people could have done better but they fit just enough to get married. So raise your glasses everyone and let's wish Peter and Deb a merry wedding day full of love and good cheer. Peter, remember you can always do better...seriously.


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