Thursday, October 8, 2009

Ryan and the Week in Review

Hey, you lopsided dildos!

It's the week in review time!!!

First off - thanks Walmart for selling me that 24 pack of Miller Lite and the BBGun. At the same time. And despite the fact that the check out girl glared at me, like she knew this was a bad idea, I appreciate her oath of silence. Like that time I bought lube and threw in a pack of gum just to make it a little LESS weird. But I think I ruined it when she asked me "are you 18?" and I replied with "you don't need to be 18 to chew gum".

I told a few people I worked with that the Perkins on Route 35 burned down. I'm not sure why. Maybe just bored. it got out of control when one girl texted her mom who then e-mailed her husband. All i could think was that this girl was going to drive passed the "charred Perkins" only to find a gaggle of people walking in. Another girl said that all her best memories of high school took place in that perkins and that she was genuinely sad. I never bothered to tell either of them that it was just a joke.

As I prepared myself dinner the other night, the cabinet drawer behind me opened on its own. my house has always had a slight case of the "ghosties". I went into my room and almost cried as I stuffed my face with chicken.

On a conference call this week, I was asked to give a rundown of the update in my store. i started off by saying (in my most sensual voice) "'re on with Ryan on Lite FM" to which nobody laughed. I expect a call from human resources any day now.

Speaking of radio shows, on my way home from virginia, i was listening to Dawson Mcallister, who basically gives out advice for entertainment purposes. he does not have a license to do so. Anywho, during one call, a young man said that he had been out drinking with friends, casually drinking - but his one friend was just throwing them back, pounding one beer after another. A few hours later, Chugs looks over to his friends with his sleepy eyes and says "You guys are my friends. You get to die quick". Dawson suggested approaching Chugs and saying "hey man, not cool!" My advice: RUN BITCH, RUN!

Billy's mom swallows.


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