I was inspired, after reading Sean's blog (I didn't actually read it I just saw the title but I get where he was going) to write a horrifically bad best man speech. By the way if anyone needs to rent this out I will leave an annotated bibliography for legal copywriting.
Welcome friends, relatives and that hot blonde caterer in the back handing out the bacon wrapped shrimp. The same girl whose number I got on my new Blackberry. I am glad to see you all here on this quiet a joyous occasion, my best friend Tim, is now married to the first girl he had sex with in college. I would know because I watched from the balcony as they did it in his Jetta. Now stop right there, I know what you are thinking, Rebecca! The very same Rebecca that sits in front of us tonight in a beautiful dress and make up, looking almost as good as her sister, was a ho?! She was quiet the promiscuous one but once she met Tim she calmed down... PSYCHE! Just kidding she really did calm down or DID SHE !!! OOOOHHHHH! No all joking aside she calmed down. That brings me to the point of this little speech, they have both changed each other in magical ways, like a fairy or a unicorn. They were tiny little green ass caterpillars that went into their cocoons and came out a married couple. That was a metaphor, hold let me write that down on my notepad function of my Blackberry. At first I was pissed that Tim was getting married because that means he isn't going to be able to do that awesome shit we used to do but whatever I am over it. I am just thankful they went with my recommendation of an open bar. I wrote this speech on my new Blackberry, have you seen how fast it is yet?