Sunday, April 26, 2009

Keith's Top Seven Pandemics "Kermit the Frog came down with a bad case of Mrs. Piggy"

Pandemics have plagued the human race since the beginning of the Tigris and Euphrates. With the media spouting the impending doom every flu season. I wanted to address some of the worlds best pandemics. Before we get started I just wanted to give a shout out and honorable mention to Avian Flu, Mauve Fever and Fauxlaria.

Scarlet Fever
Scarlet Fever was the bane of English settlers colonizing the America's. Symptons include high fever, painful rashes throughout your body, sore throat and bright red tongue which is weird because those are the same symptoms I experienced from watching the last Matthew McConaughey movie.

One of the first serious pandemics of the 20th century, Ebola first emerged from the bowels of Africa. The mortality rate is 80-90% mainly because of the violent shaking and internal bleeding. Let's take a quick second to thank Ebola for being the inspiration for some great heavy metal songs.

San Francisco Flu
Little is known about the Sand Francisco flu but most scientists believe it began in the very popular bath houses in the late 1980's. There was a break through in the cure in the early nineties when Christian Scientists claimed that hardcore Christianity was the only hope but that was quickly proven wrong when many well know "straight laced" Republicans came down with the flu. The only known survive is Magic Johnson.

Black Death
The Black Death or better know as The Black plague is one of the most deadly pandemics in human history. Scientists believe it began in Central Asia and spread to Europe by the late 1340's. The total number of deaths worldwide from the disease is as high as 75 million people. Thankfully with the shocking revolution of not shitting in the street,cleaning up garbage and taking a weekly bath; the disease was able conquered.

Malaria, also known as the sleeping sickness is caused by a blood born parasite. It effects many tropical and subtropical regions of the Americas, sub-Saharan Africa and Asia. Malaria has killed more humans world wide then all of the wars ever fought combined. It does not give a fuck about your feelings.

The Nano virus of 2035
Machines were destined to take over the word and fight their masters but no one could have guessed that it was from the inside out. The machines finally had enough, after years of fixing our hemorrhoids, adjusting boob jobs and fixing the retard boy's crossed eyes they had their revenge but I believe I have already said too much...

Also known as the Xtreme diarrheal disease, Cholera is spread through ingestion of contaminated food and water. The disease can kill you in 2-12 hours with out rehydration treatment, making Cholera one of the most rapidly fatal disease on the planet. There will be no love during this disease's time...

Beatle Mania
Anyone who has a heart and two ears will catch this disease. There is no cure and all who catch the disease will die a pleasant, melody fill death.

No comments:

Post a Comment