Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Billy's Empty Mind of a Tuesday

Hello there, everybody. This should be interesting, because I have, no idea what is going to be in this blog. It's a bit stream of conscious this evening. You all excited? ME TOO!!! We're soooo alike. Anyway, STRAP IN AND AWAAAAY WE GO!!!

*27 minutes pass*

.........uhhh. Hey. You guys still here? My mind is a complete blank.

Oh ok, well here's something. I went bowling this weekend, for Keith's b-day, at the ever classy Memory Lanes. Keith wanted everyone to wear a beard, and to me this sounded like a cool idea. I think it was easy for some people to accept the rules of this party because they already had beards. Me, for myself I'm anti-beard out of the simple fact that I don't think I look good with one, desite all the assurances the moment I put on a ridiculous fake one: "You'd look.......SO good with a beard." If I look good with a bunch of fake hair strapped to my face, that's not incentive to me.

Here's the thing with beards though. I don't know how you lumberjacks and other facial hair lovin guys(and girls) do it, but I find it to be incredibly distracting. How do fakes differ from real ones? Is it better when there is not the strap in the back and hooks behind your ears? Or when the mouth piece is slightly bigger, to better the chances of you speaking clearly and being able to eat and drink....ANYTHING?

Also, what's the temperature like, because I found that sticking a mop on my face kinda upped the temp. in the room a good 15 degrees. Or maybe that was just the bowling ball on fire from my record breaking scores of 122, 96, and 103. Take that, ESPN 8.

I guess, the moral of today's blog is this, for people curious about the pros and cons of fake vs. real beards:

Real Beard Pros:
Save money on razor blades
Some chicks dig scruff.

Real Beard Cons:
You lose a chance to peruse the razor blade aisle.
Some chicks DON'T dig scruff. (Yeah, think about it)

Fake Beard Pros:
You can take it off and enjoy beers and food without it sticking to your face.
You can adjust it to clear up your voice, or you can adjust it so all your words remain shrouded with mystery.

Fake Beard Cons:
The strap in the back always falls down, crushing your ears, and forcing you to miss the compliments of: "That's a sweet beard."
You spend all night wondering whose hair you have on your face.

I'm sure I'll get some replies from people with beards who claim I am jealous, or other Pro-Beard people that are flabbergasted by someone NOT wanting a beard. All I can tell you is, I feel lonely when I'm not buying Schick or Gillette, and if people ALL had beards, the fake beard business would be bankrupt and do we really want more people losing jobs in this economy?

God Bless America.


  1. throwing away gold every time you shave . . . whatever, i totally rock a beard better than you ever would!

  2. And yet, you don't grow one yourself, or you don't wear your fake one more.
    Don't let society hold you back! If you love beards so much, rock that thing all day and all night!