Sunday, April 19, 2009

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Earth Day is for Hippies and Communists"

Welcome faithful reader. After thinking long and hard on my topic this week I have decided to "look at things from another angle." My father always told me the best way to know what your enemy is going to do next is to live inside his head. Empathy is a powerful tool. I am bucking the system this weekend. Together we are going to travel into the head of pollution... Hopefully we all come back smarter, stronger, and greener.

Number 7: Mutant Powers
With out toxic waste we would have Radioactive Man, The Toxic Avenger, Spider Man, and Cancer Man. Scratch that last one...

Number 6: Profit
Call me crazy but I am convinced big companies and corporations have known about pollution for a long time. But think of all the money they will make when their companies buy up the companies that clean up after them. Its like a vacuum who can control the brooms from Fantasia.

Number 5: Stronger Immune systems
Pollution is actually making us strong day by day. Every day you lungs need to pump that much harder to pull oxygen from the air, your skin needs to work that much more to keep out UV rays and your brain needs to focus that much more to keep out Al Gore's hypnotizing voice.

Number 4: Fun
Plain and simple, polluting can be a lot of fun. Have you ever driven down a highway doing 75 and whipped a half full 32 oz cup of Coke from MacDonalds. It's pure pleasure. Next time you and your friends don't have anywhere to go on a Friday night go have a party in your idling car. Then see if you can honestly tell me polluting isn't a blast!

Number 3: Ease
Humans are a creatures of convince. Why do you think Chili's and Dunkin Donuts have drive-thrus. It is easier to pay a maid to clean up your mess or clean it yourself. It is easier to let the wind magically whisk your trash away to magical fairy land or bend over and collect it yourself.

Number 2: Solve Race Relations
The only way the human race will ever be able to finally band together as one harmonious unit will be when we have a problem that threatens the entire earth. What better problem then pollution. Move over Marcus Garvey here comes Marcus Garbage.

Number 1: Spite
::laughs manically:: FUCK THE NEXT GENERATION, I WILL NOT BE AROUND.. IT AIN"T MY PROBLEM ! ::continues crazy laughter::

Well my plan back fired. Polluting is so easy! I am going to go kick over some garbage cans and leave my computer on forever.

No comments:

Post a Comment