Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Billy's List of Movie Theater Targets Part 1

Well if it isn't the loyal 3-5 readers(SO FAR!) of the HDO blog. Welcome back for another Tuesday edition. I was racking my brain trying to figure something out to write about, and my mind was coming up blank, as it usually does if I'm not thinking about bacon, The Yankees, or LOST. I started to think about things I was passionate about, and invariably in one form or another it always came back to movies. But, this is a comedy blog, I'm not just going to write movie reviews. What else was I passionate about? And then it hit me. Movie theaters, and the people in them. We've all had awful theater experiences in our time, and when we do, they tend to be similar problems over and over, as if we're stuck with the same annoying people in every theater you sit in. At least, that's my luck. Today, I'd like to expose them, and I'm pretty confident that we can single handedly take these people down and make the world a more peaceful place. SO, without further interruption, I'd like to present to you my list of movie theater targets. In no particular order unless I think of a clever way to order them as I go on.

1) Don't Tell Anyone We Didn't Hire A Babysitter
Ok, so it's a Friday night. You have your newborn son, and he's great, you love him, but gosh darnit, you NEED to get out of the house and have some time to breathe. So, you call your sitter. She can't do it. She has plans. What a bitch. You call the backup. He's sick. The bastard probably deserved it, is surely what goes through your mind. Hours go by, and your options dwindle to nothing. Clearly, you need to stay home. Your son won't get the complex plot developments of Saw VIII, it's all lost on him. Besides, maybe it's a liiiiitle too vio-

No...TO HELL WITH IT! We're going out! So, you strap your kid into his seat, and head to the cinema for a family outing of the latest brutal killings of the Jigsaw Killer. Now, I usually am already in the theater when I see parents stroll their kids into a movie totally inappropriate for them. You hear groans and moans from people who realize what they're now in for, and disgust for the parents who clearly just don't care, but are ignorant and ready to enjoy a peaceful night, and any noise they hear from their kid is just white noise until the movie is over. If THEY can ignore it, everyone else just has to deal.

I suppose my question is more with the ticket buying process. Obviously, R rated movies you can't buy a ticket unless you're 17. Now, I'm not a moron, I realize the newborn isn't buying his own ticket, but shouldn't there be a law? Does the parent shell out $10 for a ticket for the kid that has no idea where the hell he is? Or do the people behind the counter let him slide. Basically, do the people behind the counter consider a newborn the equivalent of your jacket, or maybe a backpack or a baseball cap. Inconsequential things that you don't need to pay for. Do parents ever put up a fight if they have to pay $10 for the kid? I wonder if any have the nerve to act as if the THEATER is out of line? Oh well.. You've got this big stroller blocking people. You've got a crying kid, you've got oblivious parents, and suddenly the torture isn't on the new way the Jigsaw Killer is ripping some dude's legs off to teach him a lesson he so richly deserves, it's wishing these parents hire a fleet of babysitters for the next time they wanna go out, before you wait for the end credits to see if Jigsaw has any contact information for potential clients.

Too violent? Sorry, I take my theaters very seriously. With that I say good night and good luck. I hope I don't come off too insane and bitter, and if I do please understand it's all based on my pure vile hatred of children.

1 comment:

  1. this about 85% of my movie going experiences