Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Billy Vs. The Fat Sandwich

I'm 26 years old, and for roughly 25 years and 363 days of that, I've been obsessed with food, and generally not eating well at all. Maybe I shouldn't say obsessed with it, that makes it sound like I made an effort to not eat right, and that's not true, I just had no willpower. My willpower has been getting stronger recently, but every person can be weak once in a while. I would usually hit fast food places like they were necessary in my bloodstream and would go out to Chili's or Fridays like my money was literally burning a hole in my pocket. These days I'm being more sensible, but that still doesn't mean I am not interested in an eating challenge every so often. That being said, for the first time in my life, I discovered a challenge I had no interest in being a part of, and it was a challenge that I quite frankly can't even believe exists.

I'll just assume you've all heard of "fat sandwiches." Made famous at Rutgers, with imitations all over the place. In the Monmouth County area, we have Nellys, which has terrific fat sandwiches and pretty good cheese steak pizza as well. I've had the fat sandwiches every so often and quite frankly they're glorious. It's as if a drunk guy went into his kitchen, took out a sub roll, opened his cabinets, dumped the contents into the bread, popped the roll in the microwave, took it out and chowed down. There is no rhyme or reason to any of these sandwiches. Breakfast food? You bet! Burgers and steak? ABSOLUTELY. The kitchen sink and a bag of chips? Hell yes, it's called the Fat Funeral. Well, recently at Nelly's, someone got bored and some decided to go all out. Literally put all of their sandwich toppings in one sandwich. They call it the "Fat Drunk Guy." The contents, and I quote:
  • CheeseSteak
  • Gyro Meat
  • Meatballs
  • Cheeseburger
  • Bacon
  • Eggs
  • Mozzarella Sticks
  • Curly Fries
  • Onion Rings
  • Jalepeno Poppers
  • Lettuce(Ha!)
  • Tomatoes(Haha!)
  • Onions
  • Ketchup
  • Maybe And/Or BBQ Sauce
All on one sub roll.

It should be illegal. Quite frankly in some states I'm sure it is. But not in the glorious state that brought you The Situation it's not. That being said, this sandwich was not for me. I never had one. I didn't have the guts. But a friend of mine took the challenge, thinking he was man enough. The sandwich led to:
  • Heavy breathing
  • Loss of breath mid-sandwich
  • Strain in arm from HOLDING sandwich
  • Puking on 3 seperate occasions
If that doesn't make you hungry, I do not know what will.

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