Saturday, November 7, 2009

Ryan Recalls

It's Saturday and I'm dreading going to work. Last night I stayed in and watched the Hannah Montana movie. If only I could go back to the days when my evening were full of adventures and booze and no responsibility. Yesterday, while massaging Keith, I recalled a great tale from years ago and it goes a little something like this...

In my apartment, the beer flowed like wine, and the wine flowed from a box. We decided to order chinese food from...the Lion King. No joke.

Our food arrived a half hour after we placed the order and I ran down to go get it. As I was paying the man, he looked to my building and asked if there was a party going on. I said yes.

"Are dere lots of women at party?" he asked.

"Sure" I shrugged.

"Dere....boys at the party?"

"Yes" I responded.

"You like boys?" At this point, my "yeahbuwha?" meter went off, but since I my brain was drenched in beer, I couldn't respond fast enough. The man looked to me and lifted my shirt up, poking my stomach. "I like boys". My hands were tied up with all this delicious food - delicious food that was tainted with the impure motives of this delivery man/rapist.

After navigating away from the convo, I had to tip him still - I just wish he knew it wasn't for the belly poke. However, he was mislead.

About an hour later, Delivery Boy called my cell phone, but my friend Lauren quickly took care of the situation. "Look, we didn't order any more food - so please don't call here".

Too late, Lauren.. it was too late. Someone went out to smoke and I heard chitter chatter. As I peeked out of the door, Delivery Boy was standing at the end of the hallway, staring right at me. My face dropped. My balls dropped. Kelly Clarkson dropped her manager. Delivery Boy hauled ass down the stairs and was off.

I think we even called the police, and in the dark streets of Philadelphia I now see why they drove passed my apartment building without giving us a second glance. They have bigger fish to fry than the Lion King Poker.

But I can recall sleeping uneasy that night, expecting to find that Chinese Man standing over me.

Looking back, I actually don't mind staying safe and sound in my parents house, completely sober, watching disney movies. I take back my previous statement. College is dangerous. and beer is dangerous. and chinese food is dangerous. GOD! what a waste of time and money!!!

If only I knew what i know now....

Until next time, go enjoy your mom's meatloaf and let your dad's moustache tickle you as he kisses you goodnight. happy november!

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