Guys and Dolls: The Ugly Truth

Sooo, this morning I was in my car listening to the radio and the DJ was talking about these strange things called "real dolls". Now these dolls aren't your regular run of the mill sex dolls. They aren't blowup dolls...they are unfortunately so much more. These dolls are so lifelike that some men regard them as real people. These sad and lonely fellas create relationships with the dolls, and don't even use them primarily for sex, just for some kind of company in their lonely pathetic world. Now this may just sound sad and lame, but it is so much more sick and twisted than you can imagine. Just watch the first half of a documentary about these men who have fallen in love with their real dolls. Caution: you may want to throw up after the first 2 minutes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xrvbj2aRT1I

Sorry for the nightmares.

-Lizzie

Guess who is back ?!?!

That's right ladies and gentlemen, Jay is back with upgrades !

Jay's Sunday Times

Hello Balls!

As we all know, when celebrities go without plastic surgery for an extended period of time it's disgusting. So it's no surprise that The New York New Year’s Eve Crystal Ball is getting some work done. To ring in the New Year The Crystal Ball will be decorated with 300 Waterford crystal triangles.

"I almost thew up last year when I saw it drop" said The Globe on Atlas's Back. And who can blame him? Sex is everything. Last year, ratings were so low networks hired The Sphere from Sphere to sex things up.

Crystal Ball had a very successful surgery and is expected to drop some jaws this New Years Eve."Hell, I'd bone it now" said The Orb from Labyrinth graphically. It's sure to be a New Year's Eve to remember. After all, what can ring in the New Year better than a shape.

Jay - Associated Press

Moron Movies!

So I don't know if anyone has seen these videos before, but I just discovered them and I'm in love with this crazy old man!

...

I am just glad Sean grew out of that pirate phase.

The Ghost of Christmas Past

I am just glad Ryan lost all that weight.

Lizzie's Smart Kitty

See...cats get us!

Ryan Barry, Christmas Whore

I enjoy Christmas so much, i gave my mother a gift already. Just a small candle holder, with the mountain pine tart. It has filled our home with that great christmas tree scent, and mom and dad aren't fighting as much anymore.

I have a slight crush on Christmas, so much that I decorated a christmas tree and wouldn't take the 60 dollars that was owed to me for a job well done. Doing things for the holidays don't require
money. The look on their faces was gift enough.

I'm in love with Christmas so much, I neglected to get ready for work at 5:00 am on Wednesday morning. Instead, I placed my sleepy cat under my personal christmas tree and had a photo shoot. I loved it! The kid that was locked out of the store because of me did not.

I fantasize about Christmas so much that I allowed Kory to stand out in the cold at work, awaiting my arrival, when in reality I wasn't on my way to pick him up. I was in my room, wrapping presents and watching ABCs new christmas special, PREPPED and LANDING.

I wanna fuck Christmas so hard that every night after work, I take a detour onto Galloping Hill road in middletown and glare at this one house because the house is so beautifully decorated. And if a cop should notice my routine check up and ask why i come here every night, I would say
"i'm certainly not thinking about burning this house down. It's not like I want to have the most beautiful house in middletown. I'm not threatened by this house. not one bit. I love it!" and then I would drive away with visions of flames in my head. I mean sugar plum fairies!

I wanna hold Christmas down and penetrate her against her will so badly that I haven't stopped shopping online at amazon.com for the past 3 weeks. I have no money to pay my loans. the only gift I have to give anyone is to slap my dick against my thigh and make an amusing slapping noise as it flails from side to side. Sure, Kory enjoys it, but WHAT ABOUT GRANDMA JEAN?! I'm exhausted. I've lost so much weight. I used to be 210 lbs. NOW LOOK AT ME! My mom says I stink, my cat won't look at me, my coworkers are showing up late because they've followed my example, Kory has frostbite dick, I stay up til 3am hoping that PREPPED and LANDING will come back on, and I have a strong urge for arson! All I wanna do now is pistol whip Christmas, throw her in my trunk, and drive my car off into the reservoir. SO THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO! FUCK YOU CHRISTMAS!




Happy holidays everybody!

What's My Age Again?

So, as some of you have seen I recently got a haircut. Since I got bangs, people have been saying that it either makes me look younger or older. More specifically, I either look like I'm 7 years old or 46 years old. In reality I'm actually turning 23, but I would like to point out the pros and cons of looking 7 or 46.

7 years old:

PRO: I can play in the McDonald's Playplace and no one will think that I'm trying to kidnap their child.

CON: No one will approve of my excessive drinking problem.

PRO: I will be the coolest kid in the 3rd grade because I know the true purpose of a penis...and how to use it.

CON: The only people that will have sex with me are child rapists and Catholic priests.

PRO: two words....high metabolism.

CON: small tits.

46 years old:

PRO: I can drink, smoke, and rent a car without the judgment.

CON: I can't tell people one of my favorite movies is Mean Girls...or say "You go Glen Coco!"

PRO: I won't need a ride from my parents to go hang out with my friends.

CON: I will only have one friend...the other den mother who smells weird.

PRO: MILF status.

CON: saggy tits.

I really can't decide which is better. So I guess I should enjoy being 23 while gravity is still kind to my tits.

Love,
Lizzie

Ryan Barry, Assistant Manager

I'm an assistant manager and over the past year and half, I've said some pretty outrageous things to the 17 year old boys and girls who work under me and the coworkers that work beside me. How HR has never been called is beyond me. Here's a list of why I deserve a promotion to Store Manager and beyond:

"So Rachael, what happened AFTER your dad hit your mom?"

"Hi I'm the new manager, Ryan. Now take off your top and dance."

"Greysha, two men are here from deportation and they're taking you away"

"Don't throw that cardboard box out! That's Mariah's house!"

"Okay everyone, let's gather around and say one thing we hate about Alicia" (as Alicia is standing right next to me)

"Hey, who's the new guy?" (as I look to our new FEMALE full time stock)

(as I'm being instructed by my boss on how to position the mannequins)
BOSS: So the girl form bases should touch or "kiss" and the boys shouldn't
ME: I disagree with that

"I wish this scanner gun had real bullets"

"Ryan, what's the significance of 1892?"
"It's the year my mother was founded"

"I think when I go to college I wanna be a lawyer. I think I'm good at convincing people"
"Well you haven't convinced me that you're straight yet, so..."

Ryan: "Hey Marisa, you have a boyfriend?"
Marisa: "No"
Ryan: "See Zak, all you had to do was ask."
Zak: "Fuck you"

Ryan: (joking) Did you hear the Perkins burned down?
Alicia: "Oh my god! I have to call my mom!"
Raleigh: "That sucks! All my memories in high school took place at the Perkins"
Ryan: "All my memories took place in my principal's van"

"Hey did you guys hear that Brandon thinks his teacher is hot?"
"Where does he go to high school?"
"He's home schooled..."

if you need a job, we're hiring seasonal help. Ask for Ryan. He's a babe.

HDO Blog Post #198

Jay showed Keith and I this video the other day. I am now sharing this video with you, for your enjoyment.



-Sean

Sean wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! With that being said I included a quick family video from our film vault to share with you all. Be safe and have a wonderful holiday with your family.



I'm still in Halloween mode I think.

Billy's Random Behavior Rant

It worries me that as time goes on I'm getting grumpier and grumpier and noticing more social flaws in people that annoy the hell out of me. I'm certainly not naive enough to think that I behave perfectly in all social situations, but there are things I see on a daily basis that just drive me crazy. I don't get why people act like this, and I don't get why more people don't say something to their face. Granted, I'm being a hypocrite by not saying something and just writing about it. But, you people know who you are. I sense this is going to be an ongoing series. Here is the first edition.

Conversation Teasers

I do not get these people. Let me explain what I mean. Maybe you're face to face with someone, maybe you're on the phone, maybe you're texting, maybe you're IM'ing, maybe you're greeting a person. Regardless of the way you're communicating with someone, I feel like there are certain ways you do and do not start a conversation. Generally, you start with a greeting. The convo moves on from there. If something surprising or worth telling happens during this time that you want to share, generally what I do is start telling the story right away, because I'm already WITH the person, so why all the unnecessary hype and setup? You're not a showman. You're not a master storyteller. You're just a person, and you don't need to tell your stories like you're a TV promo.

If I'm in the middle of an instant message and you've had a strange experience, it doesn't help me if you just type: "Wow." I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm not in the room with you. I didn't experience what you just experienced. It seems like you saying "Wow." is just a segueway so I have to go......."WHAT IS IT?!?!?!? WHAT HAS CAUSED YOU TO EXCLAIM SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!?!" and then YOU say, "Oh, so glad you asked......" yada yada yada and the story is probably boring anyway.

If you call me, and instead of opening with "Hello" you say, "Well, THAT was interesting.", do you not realize that I do not know what the "that" is that you're referring to. Why can't you just tell me. If anything, you're spoiling the story because I'm expecting something crazy to happen at some point because of your setup. You've taken away the element of surprise and added an element of self-important I'VE GOT A STORRYYYY TO TELLLLLLL. It hurts.

Therefore, dear readers, if you have something to tell me, just tell me. I promise I'll be all ears. You don't have to sell me on it before hand. I have faith in you for talking about interesting things. If I didn't, I wouldn't talk to you. I don't have time for BORING people.

Ryan and the Rave Reference

I got a call today during work, and a man from DKNY wanted to talk to me.

"Brittany Jones used you as a reference, and I just had some questions for you."

(who the hell are you talking about?)
Of course, of course.

"Okay great. When did Brittany work with you?"

(fuck if I know)
The summer...

"And her reason for leaving?"

(Oh Jesus. Rabies?)
School...Pretty sure it was school.

"And how was her customer service?"

(I can't even remember if this girl had hands, you expect me to remember if she had good customer service?)
She was always so great with people! She always met our standards and took control on the floor and had a great understanding of how big customer service means to the company.

"And would you hire her back?"

(Well since she shares the same name as Miss Spears...)
Absolutely! Without a doubt.

"Thank you so much for your time, Ryan"

(I could really go for some buffalo chicken pizza)
No problem.

(TEN MINUTES LATER)

::Ring Ring::

Hey Sara, it's Ryan. Do you remember working with a girl named Brittany Jones?

Sounds familiar. I think she was Daedra's friend.

(FUCK,MY.LIFE.)
Oh my god -
(That bitch!)
I just gave that girl the best reference ever!
(mother fucker! That girl never showed up! Plus she sucked)

Moral of this Story: Ryan giveth and Ryan taketh away. Ryan just may not remember who you are and will lie in a state of panic and confusion.


Happy 21st Carson. You're my special boy.

Lizzie's Snuggie Nightmare

(girl sitting on couch wearing a Snuggie and reading a book. roommate walks in.)

GIRL: Hey Nancy how was the mall?

ROOMMATE: Oh it was...Oh my God! Jenna, what's happened to you!? You're completely backwards!!

GIRL: What? What are you talking about?

ROOMMATE: How did this happen? Did you wake up like this or did someone do this to you? Are you in pain!?

GIRL: Listen I really don't underst-Ohhh, I get it. No, it's just my Snuggie. It's like a backwards robe. See look, it even has sleeves so I can read my book.

ROOMMATE: How did this enchanted robe turn you into this horrible freak show? As God as my witness, I will find the demon that has bewitched your poor forsaken body!!!

GIRL: No really Nancy, it's okay. I feel fine.

ROOMMATE: This is worse than I thought. Your twisted head has caused you lack of oxygen. You can't even think straight! I'm calling the police!

GIRL: Oh jeez, that's really unnecessary!

ROOMMATE: Okay, the cops will be here shortly. Just try to hang on for me Jenna! I love you!!

(policeman enters the room)

POLICEMAN: There was a report of an enchanted robe?

ROOMMATE: She's over here officer!

(policeman takes out gun and riddles girl with bullets)

ROOMMATE: Why God Whyyyyy!!!?

POLICEMAN: I'm sorry miss. But there's been an epidemic of these evil Snuggies across the country. We have to contain and obliterate them before they take over the world.

ROOMMATE: Oh...well I guess that makes sense.

THE END.

Billy's Favorite Season Is Coming Up

Ohhhhhhhhh man, boys and girls. It's almost that time of year once again. I'm not here to rip on any other holidays or put down other people's favorite times of year, but MY personal favorite time of year is fast approaching.

Cut to Charlie Brown and Company singing around an ice skating rink.

CHRISTMAS TIIIIIIIIIIIIIME, IS HEEEEEEEEEERE.

That's right folks. Christmas time.

The Christmas specials. The Christmas cookies. The Christmas TV specials. The Christmas music. The Christmas decorations. And most importantly. The Christmas music. A full month of nothing but all your old classic Christmas songs. You know you love them. And some of you hate them. But deep down you love them. If you reply that you hate them, that just means you love them even harder. These are facts.

My only complaint, despite loving the time of year, is how messed up the schedules get. Even I think there is such a thing as Christmas overkill, and when you have all the Christmas movies out a week after Halloween, and the commercials out the same time, and the stores are decorated mid-October, it kinda loses its feel doesn't it? I mean, I know all of you want MORE MORE MORE Christmas, but people, we have to be reasonable. I don't need Christmas Carol this early, I don't want to hear about Holly Jolly seasons, or decking any halls. This is the time of year to prepare for turkey, and stuffing, and more turkey, and some football if you're so inclined.

Here's what I propose. I want you all to do me a favor. For the good of Jesus, and Santa, and Bing Crosby songs, and snow, and Garfield Christmas, and Lights and Display Contests, and Harry Bailey, and Drunk Santas at the Macy's Parade, let's try and spend the next week not focusing on the Christmas season. Let's go on hunger strikers, distract our minds with thoughts of food, but still deprive ourself the nurishment we need, and then on Thanksgiving, let's each eat 20 pounds of turkey and cranberry, and then spend 6 hours in the bathroom, singing Jingle Bells and getting in the season together.

I literally mean together. Let's share a toilet.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

Keith's Top Seven of Mystery "November is full of this s#!*"

So I just finished reading Dan Brown's newest book "The Lost Symbol" and was inspired to develop a masonic treasure hunt for your enjoyment. Below is a list of seven clues that you must decipher. Once you have deciphered the clues it will lead you to a cave of mystery where you must complete five challenges before winning the treasure. God speed, my lil'sleuths.

7) Star Wars

6) Macaroni and Cheese

5) The number 15

4) Fiction

3) Body Hair

2) Keyboard

1) John Fogerty

I am a free mason by the way.

Ryan in Da Gym

You can get carded for purchasing Nyquil now. Did you know that? Well, you can. I don't exactly know when that started happening, but apparently it's all the rage.

So, as Thanksgiving approaches and we make lists of what we are all thankful for - like the new Lady Gaga music video - I took a good look at my life and decided that there is nothing I am more thankful for than to be done with high school.

After watching a MADE episode, all i could think was "someone should go back to high schools all over the country and tell people it gets better". I went to an all boys high school where my twin sister was more popular than I was. Even with my teachers. One of the Brothers gave out "clues" we had to remember so that if he ever had trouble remembering our name, we would reveal the clue. Mine was "Katie".

The worst part was gym. I had a hard time recalling what it was like my first two years, but in junior year we had the option of playing a sport with the rest of the class or "working out". I chose to go into the gym and pump iron. and By pump iron I mean run on the treadmill for 45 minutes because I couldn't figure out how to work the other machines. But I do remember looking over and seeing my one friend Sanjay riding on the bike. He was at the top of our class, and clearly we shared the same genius for staying out of the way of the muscular kids. As far as they were concerned, we were just bulking up so we could join in on the fun of throwin the old pig skin around.

I now have a WOW memebership and have had said membership for two years. I have gone three times. The last time I was there, working on my abs, my keys, phone, and wallet all fell out of my gym shorts. Why were they in my pockets and not in a locker? I hate looking like I'm lost, so rather than walk around aimlessly - I figured I could just hang on to it - and jingle every time I ran.

Speaking of looking like an idiot - I bought the P90X dvds, you know the ones that have you do the chest, arms, stomach, legs, kenpo, and yoga? You do it for 90 days and get ripped. I did it for a week. i was bored with yoga on the 6th day so i decided to do my chest again. the tapes are only an hour long and I was generous with my water breaks. As I geared up to finish up my workout, my body decided it would rather vomit up all the water I just drank. It was still cold. and I vomitted into a Hollister bag. I don't think I've ever felt more pathetic.

Well that's not true. one time I woke up naked, covered in thrown up chines food. That was the most pathetic moment of my life.

Definitely.

Well, so...I guess I'm thankful that I have nice friends who don't judge me despite all of my stupid undertakings.

Right guys?

Guys?

Anyone?



HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH!!!

Sean's Formal Plea to Webster's Dictionary

Dear Webster's Dictionary,

I have been a big fan of your dictionary since I first started to use you in my early years of school. I think you are great to have on any bookshelf anywhere and everywhere. You are intelligent, fun, smart and just waiting to share all you got with a special someone. That is the reason why I'm writing to you. So that I can help share a word that I want you to share in your dictionary. I have included a meaning with this word that everyone should know how to use, execute correctly, and have it as a part of their everyday vocabulary. That word is...

Punchfuck (adj./noun/!!!)
1. The act of fucking someone (male and/or female) with your fist in a forceful punch-like fashion.
2. The after effects of drinking spiked punch at a social gathering that normally leads to hysterical weeping.

"I just had the best punchfuck of my life!"
"How's about we go to the dance, knock back a few, and cap off the evening with a nice punchfuck?"
"Ohhhhhh punchfuck the fuck out of me!!!"

So there we have it, Webster's Dictionary. I hope this proposal is not too harsh for your taste. This is an important word that needs to be circulated around the globe for all people. Without this word being included in your dictionary the thought of all the people executing this incorrectly could lead to horrifying consequences.

Hope to hear from you soon!

Thank you,
Sean Favre

Lizzie's Pursuit of Happiness

I have no words except "that's what I call a close encounter!"

Pearl and the Beard - Will Smith Medley from Goddamn Cobras Collective on Vimeo.

Billy Once Again, Easy To Please

Anyone that knows me know that I love television. It's obscene the amount of shows I watch. I'm doing the count right now in my head as I type this, but I watch 15 shows on a weekly basis. Sick, right? Sad, right? Well, who cares. Some people read, some people sleep, some people enjoy the sunshine. I enjoy television. I love it. And so when videos show up that parody other shows, of course I'm gonna see them. Seth McFarlane is known for making shows with very similar casts of characters, and he is belittled for that. Personally, I don't see what the big deal is. Are we really looking to Seth McFarlane to challenge our minds and change what we think television can be? Or are we looking to him for funny cutaways and random pop culture references? If your answer was the former, I think you're watching TV wrong. If it's the latter, enjoy this parody video, and laugh as hard as you would at one of our shows.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Keith's Top One for Ryan (Japanese People make things much better)

Ryan Recalls

It's Saturday and I'm dreading going to work. Last night I stayed in and watched the Hannah Montana movie. If only I could go back to the days when my evening were full of adventures and booze and no responsibility. Yesterday, while massaging Keith, I recalled a great tale from years ago and it goes a little something like this...



In my apartment, the beer flowed like wine, and the wine flowed from a box. We decided to order chinese food from...the Lion King. No joke.

Our food arrived a half hour after we placed the order and I ran down to go get it. As I was paying the man, he looked to my building and asked if there was a party going on. I said yes.

"Are dere lots of women at party?" he asked.

"Sure" I shrugged.

"Dere....boys at the party?"

"Yes" I responded.

"You like boys?" At this point, my "yeahbuwha?" meter went off, but since I my brain was drenched in beer, I couldn't respond fast enough. The man looked to me and lifted my shirt up, poking my stomach. "I like boys". My hands were tied up with all this delicious food - delicious food that was tainted with the impure motives of this delivery man/rapist.

After navigating away from the convo, I had to tip him still - I just wish he knew it wasn't for the belly poke. However, he was mislead.

About an hour later, Delivery Boy called my cell phone, but my friend Lauren quickly took care of the situation. "Look, we didn't order any more food - so please don't call here".

Too late, Lauren.. it was too late. Someone went out to smoke and I heard chitter chatter. As I peeked out of the door, Delivery Boy was standing at the end of the hallway, staring right at me. My face dropped. My balls dropped. Kelly Clarkson dropped her manager. Delivery Boy hauled ass down the stairs and was off.

I think we even called the police, and in the dark streets of Philadelphia I now see why they drove passed my apartment building without giving us a second glance. They have bigger fish to fry than the Lion King Poker.

But I can recall sleeping uneasy that night, expecting to find that Chinese Man standing over me.

Looking back, I actually don't mind staying safe and sound in my parents house, completely sober, watching disney movies. I take back my previous statement. College is dangerous. and beer is dangerous. and chinese food is dangerous. GOD! what a waste of time and money!!!

If only I knew what i know now....


Until next time, go enjoy your mom's meatloaf and let your dad's moustache tickle you as he kisses you goodnight. happy november!

Sean Has No Regrets

Some of you may know about the book No Regrets.

It's a compilation of the worst tattoos that people have gotten so everyone can see how much of an ass they are for getting their horrible idea embedded into their first couple of layers of skin. Not only do people make poor choices that can easily be forgotten in a matter of minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years but some special people make mistakes that are stamped on them for the rest of their lives.

With that being said, I wanted to share with you some of the worst tattoos that I would include in the next edition of No Regrets, if I were making it.

If you're going to get any kind of words put on you, you might want to double check how to spell "Tragedy".Tiger Woods would be proud but your mother will most likely kick you out of the house. She probably wouldn't care if you got your girlfriend pregnant, but to get corporate advertising on your body on your own freewill will make her think that she raised you better than that.Vanilla Ice is so 1991...oh wait this is Mr. Cool ICE. You never heard of him either?
I don't see any problem with this tattoo actually. I think it's beautifully done in a fantasy kind of way that you know will never happen...or will it?
I think I'm convinced that this dragon penis tattoo was the defining factor to make the website for bad-dragon.com. Just check out what Keith wrote about it awhile ago in our blog.

So that's it for the worst tattoos according to me, Sean the tattoo critic. So next time you think you have a great idea for a tattoo make sure you take a look at some tattoos other people have and double check any spelling or if that image will make sense 5 or 25 years down the line.

-Sean

Lizzie's Fashion Freakshow

So being the only girl in Helicopter Dance Off, I have no choice but to do a segment on fashion. I lerve (yes lerve) clothes and i basically just wear whatever I want. I do admit that sometimes my style can get a little out of sorts, but nothing compares to these atrocities......


This is extremely frightening...it's like jewelry for people who don't want to make out at parties with random people.


I was not aware that slinkies were back in style...



It's not her fault...she got injured back in Nam and now she always thinks she's upside down...and has one foot....


I love our country......


WOOF!!!


Welp that's about all I can stand to look at. See you on the runway kittens!

Billy's Concert Rules

I know there are lots of people who make a living going to concerts.  They love the atmosphere and they love just losing their minds and letting loose while listening to their favorite bands.  There can be a lot of enjoyment in doing that, and I've done it myself.  However, as time goes on, I start to look at shows differently and realize what I was looking for in shows has changed.  Certain people I know strive to avoid at shows, because it seems like they're being "RIDICULOUS" for the sake of being WACKY.  They might as well be wearing shirts that say: "Please for the love of God, look at me and think I'm crazy.  That's all I want.  I want to be someone's story later."

These people are very easy to spot, and should be avoided.  Here are some rules on who to avoid and what to do and not do at shows.

• Avoid mosh pits.  I do not get the appeal here.  Ok, that's not entirely true.  Sometimes you just need to let loose and relieve some stress and crash into some people.  We all do.  But these pits seems to be getting more violent and are not enjoyable.  It's so bad that some people seemingly are forced into the position of "Security" and they stand on the outskirts, pushing people away from them and making sure the wackos don't spill over into the sane people.  I gotta believe that's not the reason those people bought tickets to a show.
• Crowd surfers.  Maybe I'm just biased because I'm a bigger guy and can't really pull it off, but this just seems incredibly risky.  Especially if you're a girl.  Or have anything in your pockets.  Or both.  *wink*
• Cellphones = New lighters.   People actually send texts during shows?  And film stuff on their cameras?  Has that footage ever sounded good, filmed in a crowded room, next to a speaker?  Morons.
• The people that "fall" into you and conveniently wind up in front of you.  We get what you're doing, and you're not clever. 
• I go to shows to sing along and have fun, not feel like I'm in a boxing match.  I didn't go to prove my toughness or how much of a badass I am.  I know I'm not and I'm comfortable with that.  And I know YOU'RE not, and you've yet to come to that realization.  No one thinks you're cool.

Except your parents. They think you're great, and they don't get why the girls have not come around to that fact yet.  But keep being tough at concerts.  It's bound to work.

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "I don't get Twilight or Fake Vaginas" (As soon as you see the picture you will get the connection)

There are two things in this world that absolutely mystify me; fake vaginas and the Twilight book series. They are both shitty versions of something awesome so why wouldn't you just spend a little extra time and money to get the real thing in both instances.

7) Fake vaginas just sad.

I have a lot of sad friends that live with their parents, play MMORPGs, collect action figures, have extensive porn collections and sleep in capes but none of them own a fake vagina.

6) The vampires in the Twilight series are not vampires

Count Chocula is more of a vampire then Edward Cullen.

5) Why don't we combine a successful teenage novel with an adult sexual novelty.

Are we just going to invite pedophiles over for dinner now?

4)Pain

The TEETH!

3)Vampires like blood

They are looking to drink from there, it would be like water fountain fake vagina for humans.

2) The vampires in the Twilight book are men.

Sorry Ryan.

1) The vampires in the Twilight books are high school men.

Nobody seems to understand how wrong these things are...

...with Vincent Price!

At last night's show we performed Party Quirks where Billy did a fantastic job of guessing his party guest Vincent Price, who was played by Keith. Since I'm always in the Halloween mood of spooks and chills during the entire month of October, I did some surfing of youtube to see what I could find. To the success of my wanderings I stumbled upon this gem of Vincent Price reading Poe's The Pit and the Pendulum.





If you're a fan of Vincent Price you can see him in some classics such as The Bat, House On Haunted Hill, The Last Man On Earth, and even Edward Scissorhands. They are all worth your time, in my opinion, but that doesn't really count does it?

I hope everyone has a Safe and Happy Halloween this year. Make sure to check your candy for razor blades and sticks of butter!

-Sean

Lizzie's "When Sprinkles Go Bad..."

Sooooooo......for Halloween this year, a few friends from work and I have decided to be the color kids from the Rainbow Brite cartoons (I get to wear a leotard!) We're making all the costumes from scratch so I decided to youtube some old episodes of the cartoon to use as a reference. What I discovered though, was oh so much more than I could have ever dreamed......



BRILLIANCE.

Billy Thinks There's No Comparison

For those living under a rock, currently the World Series pits the New York Yankees against the Philadelphia Phillies. I know, I'm sure I've already lost many readers based primarily on the fact that I've mentioned baseball in this post, but I hope you stick around, or at least tell your sensible baseball loving friends about this blog so they can check it out. New York and Philadelphia are not that far away from each other, and in sports and in life, it seems that they are always rivals. In football, in baseball, in pure level of obnoxiousness by the people who live there, in food, and in entertainment. Both cities have their qualities and their downsides, but if you're actually going to try and tell me that Philly is better than NYC you're crazy. I have some reasons that I'd like to share with, I hope you agree.

New York has great eateries. You can get great slices of pizza at that classic NYC pizza hot spot, Sbarro's. Try the stromboli's.

Philly is famous for their cheesesteaks, but the irony is that the best cheesesteak is actually in Red Bank at a place called Willy's. Go ahead, Philly lovers, climb off your high horses and fight me on that one. You're wrong. Jim's is great, I'm not knocking it. But it doesn't top Willy's. That's a fact.

In NYC, you can drive down any rode and feel like you're on a roller coaster. I don't know about you guys but I LOVE roller coasters. And the chance to use one on a daily basis is pretty exciting.

Last call in Philly is 2:30, but alcoholics can go to NYC and drink till 4. NYC cares about the people who matter.

In NYC and the surrounding area they filmed Ghostbusters. In Philly and the surrounding area they filmed The Happening.

I'm not going to top a Ghostbusters reference, so I'm just gonna call it a night.

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "How to successfully avoid "Trick or Treaters" while keeping your personal dignity intact"

Here is my guide to all home-owners out there that want to enjoy Halloween but not have their homestead defiled by a bunch of pimply seventh graders. All the while still holding on to the best candy.

7)Practice archery on your front lawn

Serves anyone right if they walk on to you range without announcing themselves, they need to spend more time at summer camp.

6)Leave signs that read "caution skunk farm"

It is entirely up to you if you really have a skunk or not.

5)Offer unicef boxes

I hated charity as a child so I can only imagine what the children of today feel about giving.

4)Go super realistic and scary like halloween is your life.

Parents are always wary to send their children into a house that actually looks like a haunted mansion because what wacko takes a kids holiday that seriously.

3)Offer homemade biscuits

Every parent has warned their children not to accept anything homemade or in a package and you at least offered something to them. (This rule does not apply in the South)

2)Roast a pig on your front porch.

Nothing goes better with a roasted pig then homemade biscuits. (This rule does not apply in Montana)

1)Offer pennies

Abraham Lincoln's profile has mocked Trick or Treaters for decades and does not look like he is slowing down now.

I hope everyone has a safe and healthy Halloween; save me your Necko Waffers, YUM!

Ryan and the Stars of Destiny

For any of you to understand this, I must ask if you are familiar with the video game Suikoden that was put out YEARS ago for playstation 1. if you do, please continue - if you don't....go make me a sandwich.

anywho, in this game - the main premise is to "find" the 108 stars of destiny - the 108 characters that you need to find to have a complete game. after taking a look at this game for a bit - I noticed that the "stars" all look a little different than the others in the game. they always have some attribute that makes them stick out, whether it be their outfits or the size of their head.

if Suikoden were a real game, I now understand that all of my "stars of destiny" could be located all in one place...Walmart.

I found 5 yesterday. The young boy in the "incredibles" costume with the "incredible" spirit, the woman in the witch skirt with too much makeup who would sing to us in order to boost morale, confused grandma with her magic healing potions, the man with the face that gave the impression he was smelling an endless fart who would humor us all, and the security guard who was too busy gathering carts to direct traffic.

So now, as I drive home from Philadlephia, searching for my stars across state borderlines, I encourage you to run out and find at least ONE star of destiny today. It will change your life forever. I promise.

Let's All Go To The Movies...

Everyone loves movies, from the youthful 3 year-old to the walking dust elder of yesteryear. Movies are a part of all of our lives in some ways or another. Fun fact, the reason for so many low budget movies in the 1930s, due to fall of the stock market creating the Great Depression, was the need to keep people hopeful in the tough times with some entertainment and uplifting stories for a nickel.

You may say to your friends, "Hey Gang, let's all go to the movies!" Let's face it everyone, the dark ages are upon us again and we could use some cheering up from mall cops and animated houses floating away. Just remember when it all gets too happy go lucky that's when Paranormal Activity is there to push you down to the ground, and possibly under it too.

Now, I wanted to share a few movies that I can't wait to go see in the next upcoming months because the movie industry is having some financial trouble getting some new scripts. So recycling and going green with already written scripts of the past is the new black!







Just can't wait to see this version of Mary Poppins in Spring of 2010!

-Sean

Billy's Electricity Bill Is Going UP

Alright, so I pride myself on being someone that doesn't get scared by movies most of the time. I might jump at a jump scene, but for the most part I just don't get freaked out. Sometimes I wish I did, but most of the time I'm glad I don't have that stress. I also like to look tough and I don't wanna make a jackass out of myself in front of friends and strangers. I had been going well with that for years, and last week a movie came along and not only destroyed my streak of being freaked out in theaters, but obliterated the simple joys in life, like sleeping full nights, not having nightmares, and having the lights off at night.

Thanks, Paranormal Activity.

I will not be giving spoilers here, so fear not. I know several of my friends and most of HDO has yet to see this, so I don't want to ruin things. The basic premise is looking for paranormal activity in a house that a woman thinks she's being haunted in. Pure frickin terror ensues. Let me explain how this affected me since then.

• On the ride home from the movie I needed movie blasting and it needed to be really upbeat to keep me distracted. Thanks, Hall And Oates.
• I keep my basement lights on when I sleep, since ghosts clearly can't pass through rooms with light bulbs.
• I avoid a certain bathroom late at night since it's not as lit and there's a chance that when I leave the bathroom something terrible will happen to me. Maybe the ghost would just push me back into the bathroom and take away the air fresheners. I'm telling you, these things mean frickin business.
• The first few nights after the movie, anytime I closed my eyes I had specific visuals from the movie stuck in my head, so now I have to sleep with my eyes open. It's really freaking out my family.
• It's making me look at Ghostbusters differently. Guys, ghosts are NOT a laughing matter.

Thanks for trying to ruin sleep, bowel movements and Peter Venkman for me, Paranormal Activity. You're a real bitch.

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "How you know you have a case of the Monday's (Mondays suck)

I am writing this to you at 6am on a Monday morning on my blackberry while stuck in traffic. Just once I would like to hear an unlike story of why someone was not ready to face the world on a Monday morning. Here are the top seven that I came up with while waiting for a tractor trailer full of pillows to mock me, I mean pass me.

7) You are still drunk from Friday night.

6) You are still in prison.

5) You were supposed to be in work 2 hours ago but instead you just woke up and started blogging.

4) You spent the entire weekend in a mascots costume at a Furry convention and the zipper is stuck.

3) You spent the night at the local police station filling out paper work after the 13 citizens' arrests you made on the local teenage riffraff at the 7-11.

2) You spent the entire weekend in a Pickachu costume at a Pokemon convention and the zipper is stuck.

1) You stayed up all night building a time machine after a fever induced dream where you found the equation that could move you through time and space, successfully time travel only to realize that you time traveled back to Hiroshima the Monday morning before they dropped the A-bomb on your head.

Note to self: hobo's don't have mondays.

Ryan and the Week in Review

The week had a rough start to it, my friends. A rough start INDEED.

As my "tender mate's" 98 Ford Escort headed for the parkway entrance, the car began to emit smoke from under the hood. Kory and I pulled over - only to discover that neither of us knew what we were looking at. All we knew was that we were going to miss our hair appointment - not at Supercuts or a local Barber shop - but at an establishment called "All Dolled Up".

So we paced back and forth, discussing how we would die if this were a horror movie, and then recognizing the severity of the situation and quickly snapped into action. We called my father. We figured his mustache would know what to do. We called the work line and asked for Mike Barry, saying that "this is his son, Ryan". As we waited, I began to joke out loud and said "Hi, I'm calling for Mike Barry. This is his son, Barbie." As the joke ran for a moment or two, I suddenly hear "...I can HEAR you."

I believe it was at this moment Mike Barry understood that everything he had instilled into my two other brothers clearly did not stick with me. I could not inform him if the radiator hose was broken, or if the transition fluid was leaking. I could only think about one thing - paranormal activity. Mike instructed me to feel the liquid, and I did so - it was red brown. After telling him this, my father said "oh, yeah, something must have broke off the tranny". I laughed a HEARTY laugh, because clearly we have two different definitions of the meaning. We called for a tow, and we were taken to Precision Auto where the woman who assisted us looked like Jerri Blank*. her idea of small talk was claiming that the weather was so bad because we were "messing with the moon".

We left immediately.

So now, one car down and "All Dolled Up" off the list, the weekend began.

I worked on Saturday and catered to a loud, italian New Yorker who felt she needed to scream everything AT people in order to get her point across. She was obnoxious to the point where even customers asked her the kindly shut up. But karma reared its beautiful head into her life when she accidentally sprayed cologne into her young sons eyes. He said "I hate you" and ran out of the store. She, of course, SCREAMED at him to rub his eyes until the tears washed away the alcohol. Great plan, you ape fuck.

I made a co-worker cry. Not because I asked her what it was like to come to America in a tire on the salty seas, but because I told her that her folds weren't pretty.

My friend and I hid a decapitated Beanie Baby in the store as a welcome gift for our new boss. But not before covering it in fake blood from the Halloween store.

Grey's Anatomy has become so unbearable, I've created a drinking game. Any time the doctors act unprofessional, you drink. Good luck making it to 9:24 pm. I dare you.


Until next time.

Make wise decisions.



* if you don't know who Jerri Blank is, Google image it NOW.

Sean's "How You Know The Terrorists Have Won" Thursday

Ever hear the term at the end of a sentence "the terrorists have won"? I know I have heard it for a few things here and there for such things as cigarettes, downloading music, and donating to your local Al Qaeda fund at Shop Rite. I have compiled a list of subjects that will conclude "how you know know the terrorists have won". Let's begin shall we.

You know the terrorists have won when your favorite Arby's is run by children that used to work in a sweatshop.

You know the terrorists have won when you're given guns and ammunition after you pass through the airport metal detector.

You know the terrorists have won when your Henna tattoo says "I did it for the Jihad" with a nice flower design to compliment it.

You know the terrorists have won when a Woman becomes President. (Oooo talk about tasteless Sean)

You know the terrorists have won when Zombies are not frightening to you anymore.

You know the terrorists have won when your fear of sock puppets has subsided and you can't remember how that happened so quick.

You know the terrorists have won when your American Flag has been changed Red, White & Blue to Neon Green and Hot Pink (kinda like a watermelon color scheme).

You know the terrorists have won when corn on the cob is now gravel on a stick.

You know the terrorists have won when your pets pray multiple times a day.

Finally, you know the terrorists have won when you can't find a Bruce Springsteen, John Mellencamp and a Willie Nelson album at Jack's Music in Red Bank, NJ.

This blog post is dedicated to Jeff Foxworthy.

-Sean

Lizzie's Gonna Dress You Up!

Hey kiddos!

So now is about that time when one should be thinking about their Halloween costume (although I've been planning mine for two years). But sometimes it can be very difficult to find inspiration. I mean, no one wants to walk into a party as the fourth guy in an Obama mask (Ryan already called dibs on that costume!). So what else is there to do? Well never fear my little squirt nuggets! Lizzie has come to your aid with some simple (but clever) costume ideas!

1) Peeping Tom: Just wear your regular clothes, but get a "Hi my name is..." sticker and write "Tom". Then make a little window, complete with curtains, and creepily look at everyone through it. This is a sure fire way to get a date by the end of the night.

2) Killing Time: Carry around some clocks and a fake knife. Then every so often...stab the clocks...unmercifully.

3) Joey Gladstone: Wear an obnoxious Hawaiian shirt and just keep telling everyone to "cut it out" complete with hand gestures. For a more extreme look, try and find a beaver puppet.

4) Sex: Now this is a group costume. This also requires using your imagination and creativity when it comes to how you want the costumes to look. Basically, one person dresses like a giant condom, one dresses like a giant egg, and then the rest of your buddies paint themselves all white as sperm! One sperm can even wear a first place medal!

5) Werewolf: Just wear your regular clothes and tell people you're a werewolf. If they ask why you have no fur, explain to them that it's not a full moon....duh.

6) Blessing in Disguise: Wear a trench coat, a hat, and sunglasses. Then make a beauty queen sash with the words "Bless you" on it. I wear that outfit every time I go to a bar or to bingo night!

7) Booze Hound: Dress like a dog and carry a bottle of alcohol. If you wanna get really into it, sniff everyone's butts.

8) Helicopter Dance Off: Tape a pinwheel to the top of your head, carry around an old school boom box (yeah that's right...a boom box) and a cardboard square, then drop the square in front of unsuspecting competitors and shout "IT'S ON!"

Well I hoped those ideas help you as we embark on another fun-filled Halloween! And remember my little doves...don't eat candy if there is a razor blade in it....or if it was handed to you by Keith.

Always hold hands when you cross the street!
-Love Lizzie

1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY SHOW!

Hello to all of our loyal blog readers! HDO would like to invite you to our 1 Year Anniversary show tonight, Wednesday Oct. 14th, 2009 at the Inkwell in Long Branch, NJ.

It has been a quick year since we first started performing together and we would like to share the moment of celebration with all of our friends and your friends too. So come out for a night of fun, laughter and hi-jinks from your favorite dancing helicopters of improv.

Our show tonight starts at 8:30pm and is FREE as always. Please come with a guest to share a joyous night of comedy with us. We will see you there!

Where:
Inkwell
665 2nd Ave.
Long Branch, NJ

-HDO

Billy Loves(But Is Confused By) Drinking Games

I think there are many different kinds of drinkers in the world. You have casual drinkers, serious drinkers, social drinkers, sleep drinkers, drink drinkers, awake drinkers. People will find a reason or an occasion to drink just about any moment of the day. I can appreciate that, sometimes a good drink is just what the doctor ordered after a long time. Especially my doctor, Dr. Jack Daniels.

*hold for applause*

I go through phases, but I'd say usually I'm a social drinker. I never drink alone, mostly because of that whole, "I have a soul and respect for myself" thing, and I usually aim to stay at a place where the next day I remember everything that happened to me while I was drinking, because of that whole "I like brain cells and memories" thing. When it gets to be a night where people want to play drinking games, there are nights when I'm in the mood, and nights where I just can't be bothered.

Drinking games to me, in their simplest forms, are a stall. Maybe that's what's best. You need to wait till you get the ball in the cup, flip your cup, get the right card, lose a race, hear the right word on TV, or get the fourth king in the deck. These are fun events to get people together and social. I can respect them. The people that HATE drinking games, are the ones I don't understand and I think should seek some help. If you're worried that you waiting 20 seconds to take sips or chugs of your beer is going to damage your buzz and ruin your night you need some serious help, and maybe you need to step up your skills. Either way, switch to soda while you find the assistance you need, and I'll hold your beer, I just sunk the last cup. Thanks.

HDO supports alcoholics everywhere.

Keith's Top One Midnight Dojo Fights (because Monday doesn't start until there is sometime of Kung Fu)

Keith's Reactions from the Blonde who was serving bacon wrapped shrimp at the fictional wedding of Tim and Rebecca

Shannon and Troy (best man) are outside the reception hall smoking cigarettes.

Shannon: That was quiet a speech in there, please tell me you were drunk when you wrote that.

Troy: Baby, I am always drunk but sober enough for some lovin'

Troy drunkly shifts over to put his arm around Shannon and Shannon easily moves down the ledge and Time falls on his face.

Shannon: You need to calm yourself down there cowboy this isn't college anymore.

Troy: I know, I know, I just have problems with transitions.

Shannon: Well if you ever need help you could always call me. But you need to be sober.

Troy: Let me get my blackberry out.

Shannon: Yeah... about that, I am an iPHONE kind girl. So....

Troy gets to his feet. He swaying back and forth.

Troy: Deal is off you freak.

Shannon: WOW, relax it was a joke!

Troy swings his fist to punch Shannon in the face, again Shannon moves quickly out of the way, kicks Troy in the testicles and picks up his phone. Troy passes out and Shannon quickly dials something into the key pad. Troy wakes up from the buzzing of his phone in his pocket. He quickly realizes he is in the back of a police car.

Troy: What the hell happened

Officer: You ruined everyones night, drunky. Can you please answer that phone it's been buzzing since I picked you up.

Troy takes his blackberry out of his pocket and reads the first text message.

Sent from: Shannon

You throw a punch like my grandmother. Hope your Blackberry gets reception in jail.

Shannon.

Sent from my iPHONE

Sean's Response as the Groom, Tim, to Keith's Blackberry Best Man Speech

Since I did read Keith's Blackberry Best Man Speech, I would like to give the response as Tim, the groom, that chose Keith as his Best Man.

Well.....that was a very formal speech.....I ugghhh.....I'm at a loss for words right now. Ummm, Rebecca and I did have our first child making session in my Jetta and yes she is the only one I've ever had sex with. I was actually unaware that the balcony had a VIP view of all that. It's nice to know that we could all find that out together, including Grandma Perkins. (nervous wipe of sweat beading up on Tim's forehead)

Well ughh, ummm since we're on the topic I think we should all know that the Best Man is a dishonest human being that has lost many bets in Atlantic City as well as the various horse tracks in the tri-state area. He is currently in about $50,000 debt and I have no intention of trying to help him in anyway with the money you all have graciously gifted to Rebecca and I today.

I may be a one-man woman but I must say Becca is the only lay I want to pound into the early morning. As for the Best Man, I would like say that my iPhone is much more efficient, and more friendly to my fingertips that your little one testicle roller ball. I'm actually recording this whole speech on my Voice Memos so I do not have to ever type any notes on my iPhone forever. Suck it!!!!

Happy Monday

Keith's Blackberry Best Man Speech

I was inspired, after reading Sean's blog (I didn't actually read it I just saw the title but I get where he was going) to write a horrifically bad best man speech. By the way if anyone needs to rent this out I will leave an annotated bibliography for legal copywriting.

Welcome friends, relatives and that hot blonde caterer in the back handing out the bacon wrapped shrimp. The same girl whose number I got on my new Blackberry. I am glad to see you all here on this quiet a joyous occasion, my best friend Tim, is now married to the first girl he had sex with in college. I would know because I watched from the balcony as they did it in his Jetta. Now stop right there, I know what you are thinking, Rebecca! The very same Rebecca that sits in front of us tonight in a beautiful dress and make up, looking almost as good as her sister, was a ho?! She was quiet the promiscuous one but once she met Tim she calmed down... PSYCHE! Just kidding she really did calm down or DID SHE !!! OOOOHHHHH! No all joking aside she calmed down. That brings me to the point of this little speech, they have both changed each other in magical ways, like a fairy or a unicorn. They were tiny little green ass caterpillars that went into their cocoons and came out a married couple. That was a metaphor, hold let me write that down on my notepad function of my Blackberry. At first I was pissed that Tim was getting married because that means he isn't going to be able to do that awesome shit we used to do but whatever I am over it. I am just thankful they went with my recommendation of an open bar. I wrote this speech on my new Blackberry, have you seen how fast it is yet?

Happy Sunday.

Sean's Imaginary Best-Man Wedding Speech

So I went to a wedding for my two friends, Dave and Caitlin, this afternoon at Allaire State Park. I got to see some faces that I haven't gotten the chance to gawk at in public, as well as some parents of some of those friendly faces that I haven't gotten the chance to gawk at in public. The whole ceremony and traditions of a wedding can be, how do you say- repetitive. So through all my observations for the day there was one small thing that showed where someone could break out from the customs. Now, we've seen it in countless movies and those bad porn plot talking pictures, but I would like to share my speech as a Best-Man for the groom in my imaginary wedding experience.

Hello everyone, I'm glad we could all make it out today to witness Peter and Deb's day they tied the knot. I've known Peter since we were kids, throwing rocks in the pond off of Susan Dr. so we could see how many skips each of us could get, hanging out at the local roller rink throwing our gum at the bathroom ceiling, and when we used to skip school at least two days a week to hang out at Old Man Skip's house. I can remember all the times Old Man Skip would show us how to sharpen scissors, he would always just pull out a pair from the right pocket of his jeans flawlessly. He must have told us how to do that at least six times a day, Peter. I digress, I know, let's talk about this happy couple.

I remember the first time Peter told me of Deb. She sounded like another one of Peter's, fuck 'em and leave 'em fucks like usual, but there seemed to be a twinkle in his eye when he talked about Deb. In fact, that twinkle was a few bits of silver glitter that Deb wore because, how she explained it, everything looks better with glitter. I couldn't agree more with Deb :wink wink:!

So the two of them kept getting it on for awhile, moved in with each other, they both lost their jobs, we're collecting unemployment and living off of food stamps, they pawn almost half of their belongings, they make no effort to find a job, their unemployment runs up, their food stamps run out, Deb starts losing teeth, they pawn off the rest of their belongings, Peter can't get rid of this bad rash, the open sores turn into an infection, Deb had to wrap Peter in a sheet and carry him three miles to the hospital, they waited for hours until they could see Peter, they get charity care, they eat out of dumpsters and garbage cans in the park, they asked for a lot of help from others but no one really did anything about it, including myself, and after living in a homeless shelter with no place to go, they finally started to get things together to where you see them today. They found some overnight jobs at the Wal-Mart and it's been uphill ever since.

These two are anything but selfish. They are the definition of true love, through sickness and health, the bad times and the good, that we can lose our jobs and Deb can lose some teeth and make it out on top, or at least what we will accept as the top of what they can get. I like to think to myself that sure Peter could have found someone better, that if he went on with his "fuck 'em and leave 'em fucks" maybe Deb wouldn't have dragged him down so far that they had to give up everything they owned and earned only to wind up in a homeless shelter. But, I digress, I know, let's leave on a good note.

I'm very happy for these two love birds and I'm glad that I could be a special part of their wedding day. I think we can all agree that these people could have done better but they fit just enough to get married. So raise your glasses everyone and let's wish Peter and Deb a merry wedding day full of love and good cheer. Peter, remember you can always do better...seriously.

-Sean

Billy Would Rather Toss Your Stuff In The Lake

There are some jobs that I don't understand why people have them. I can appreciate that sometimes it's a worst case scenario, a fallback job off a fallback off a fallback job. I get that, I get that certain horror stories of careers aren't necessarily the profession that these people went to school for. That being said, I can't imagine certain people doing a job for more than a day and thinking: "I'm really looking forward to waking up every day for the next 40 years and doing this." I added one to my list yesterday, when I had to spend a full day off helping several families on my Mom's side move. A lot of house switching, and house emptying, with people going to so many different places I'm not going to confuse you with the specifics. Needless to say, this is the reason the word "clusterfuck" was invented, and this is the reason why I can't imagine anyone would open a business where ALL YOU DO is help other people move.

It all started in the classic way, with me discovering that my assistance was needed, "For at the MOST, three hours." But that's the classic time period that any parent would give. Really, if three hours pass and you're still working, what the parent expects you to do is to forget that that statement was ever made at all. Their estimate was off, the job is continuing, and parents do not make mistakes, so any reference of the three hour promise will be met by confused looks, rolling eyes and a request to help them carry a king size mattress down a flight of stairs.

It doesn't help that one particular family in this series of moving is the messiest of any family I have ever seen. Those houses you see on talk shows, where certain people want an intervention because of the sloppy way their friends are living their lives? My aunt and uncle's house is in the inspiration for this. It's a disaster. They hired a cleaning crew last week, and the woman went in to inspect the house and nearly had a coronary. She had never seen a messier house. Last year, when I initially helped them move furniture during a move, I discovered some loose change throughout the house as I cleaned up. I made almost $30. Not a joke. I walked out of that house with my pants jingling so much I sounded like a piggy bank.

So when you have to move a house worth of crap into a truck, move a lifetime's supply of furniture into another truck, rearrange another house to fit mattresses and chairs through doors that they weren't meant to fit into, you start to wonder something. Are houses necessary? Are BEDS necessary? How much do you REALLY need couches, or chairs, or kitchen tables? Really, not at all. I find the whole thing now to be just a disgusting display of materialism. It's almost as if we're taunting these houses by tossing these interchangeable objects from one location to the other, stressing and breaking backs and sweats just so we can remind each other of all the sweet JUNK you've accumulated over the years. I will never help anyone move ever again. And I will never move ever again, because I don't want to put anyone through that kind of pain. I gotta go tell my parents about how I'm staying. I'll be right back.





They took it really well.

Ryan and the Week in Review

Hey, you lopsided dildos!

It's the week in review time!!!

First off - thanks Walmart for selling me that 24 pack of Miller Lite and the BBGun. At the same time. And despite the fact that the check out girl glared at me, like she knew this was a bad idea, I appreciate her oath of silence. Like that time I bought lube and threw in a pack of gum just to make it a little LESS weird. But I think I ruined it when she asked me "are you 18?" and I replied with "you don't need to be 18 to chew gum".

I told a few people I worked with that the Perkins on Route 35 burned down. I'm not sure why. Maybe just bored. it got out of control when one girl texted her mom who then e-mailed her husband. All i could think was that this girl was going to drive passed the "charred Perkins" only to find a gaggle of people walking in. Another girl said that all her best memories of high school took place in that perkins and that she was genuinely sad. I never bothered to tell either of them that it was just a joke.

As I prepared myself dinner the other night, the cabinet drawer behind me opened on its own. my house has always had a slight case of the "ghosties". I went into my room and almost cried as I stuffed my face with chicken.

On a conference call this week, I was asked to give a rundown of the update in my store. i started off by saying (in my most sensual voice) "Hi...you're on with Ryan on Lite FM" to which nobody laughed. I expect a call from human resources any day now.

Speaking of radio shows, on my way home from virginia, i was listening to Dawson Mcallister, who basically gives out advice for entertainment purposes. he does not have a license to do so. Anywho, during one call, a young man said that he had been out drinking with friends, casually drinking - but his one friend was just throwing them back, pounding one beer after another. A few hours later, Chugs looks over to his friends with his sleepy eyes and says "You guys are my friends. You get to die quick". Dawson suggested approaching Chugs and saying "hey man, not cool!" My advice: RUN BITCH, RUN!

Billy's mom swallows.


UNTIL NEXT TIME!

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Seven Reasons Why You Might Be Addicted To Ice Cream (This one is for the Dairy Queen ie Ryan)"

A tasty treat to enjoy on a steamy summer day or a hellish ride through an animal's frozen byproduct. Ice cream can make you smile or cry or smile and cry depending on if you are ICED. Iced is an industry term for Ice Cream Addiction. Here is my blog to find out if you or your loved ones are addicted.

7)They you know by name at Cold Stone Cremery

Clerk: "Oh, hey Tom. Back for you fifth cookies and cream swirl today?"

Tom: "Don't judge me."

6) You start replace the name of colors with ice cream flavors when describing things.

If this is you I would suggest steering clear of ethnic neighborhoods.

5) You hide ice cream around the house, car or place of buisness.

I once met a man so addicted to ice cream he would hide it in his suit pockets and on hot days he would look like he was sweeting from his nipples. I call him Dad.

4) You take board up you house with guns and food while declaring yourself the king of cream.

That man held out for 3 weeks before the police or rescue people could get into the house. What they found there was not a pretty scene, in fact he had dyed part of his white dog black then cut off it's legs. The dogs name was Napoleon.

3) You name all of you children like Ben and Jerry name ice cream.

My favorites include Fudge Peanut Butter Carol, Cherry Garcia and Tin Roof Sundae.

2) Your tear are no longer saline water but mint chocolate chip.

It's a funny visual.

1) You call out to "Fudgey the Whale" during intercourse.

The girlfriend will be pissed and confused because she will not be sure if you called her fat or if you just don't share with her because she never knew you had some weird animal fetish. Either way it will be a fun filled night for all!

Now that we have covered addiction we can move onto more fun topics like spousal abuse

Sean Like Words That Are Used The Wrong Way Thursday

I would like to share with you loyal readers a game I like to play from time to time. This particular game is, the use of a different word that sounds like the word you should be using game. I have come up with a random amount of these phrases over time and I've learned to forget ultimately every single one. So here is my attempt at pleasing your bellies with chuckles and possibly causing a headache or two.

Instead of Urn use the word Urinal.

"I damn near drank a whole urinal of coffee today."
"They put my grandfather's ashes in the urinal after he was cremated."

Instead of Refrigerator use the word Defibrillator.

"Yeah just make sure that defibrillator is right nice cold. Don't skunk my beers!"
"Don't you unplug my defibrillator, don't you unplug it!"
"What's wrong with keeping bread in your defibrillator? It keeps it fresh while making it last longer.

Instead of Sarcophagus use the word Esophagus.

"They opened up King Tut's esophagus in front of all the museum guests."

Instead of E-mail use the word She-Male.

"I didn't get your she-male that you sent me. Just resend it, Kenny."
"I'm really glad all she-male accounts are free!"
"Check your she-male, there is a new virus everyone is talking about."

There you have it. Now, go out and start thinking of all the other words you could substitute for the correct ones to create a completely incorrect sentence for others to hear. It's a great time I assure you...I assure you.

-Sean

Ryan Thanks Yom Kippur!

'Kay girls. How many ya'all been to the mall? Show of hands.

Now, have you ever been approached by one of those people at the kiosk stands in the middle of the mall?

Today, as I walked around on my break aimlessly, thinking of where I would hide if zombies attacked, I realized that the atmosphere was different, almost peaceful. It didn't take long for me to realize that the kiosk workers were no where in sight. Their gold jewelry wasn't dangling about and their sick blow outs weren't obstructing my view. This break would be unlike any other!

The one man who works at the hair straightening center, who has the HIGHEST pitched voice I've ever heard, would not be extending his hand and creepily cackling out "Meees! (aka miss) Come here for second! Let me show you someting!" A smile glided across my face as I danced by...holding out my middle finger.

The one man who walks around his station with a tray of a mysterious white fluid in plastic cups (...) like a great white shark wouldn't be winking at me and freakishly licking his lips like usual. My favorite quirk of his is his inappropriate need to sing out every time a customer walks by. But as I walked past his covered up station, I wondered who he was singing to at that very moment. I hope they liked it.

The crossed eyed man at the teeth whitening station was probably dry cleaning his "doctor's lab coat" he picked up from the Halloween store.

And ah yes..."Claps". The way you motivate the corwd is unlike anything I've ever seen. You clap with gusto, and I can see that you are a positive man. Too bad everyone scatters off to the farthest corners, ducking behind plants and furniture to avoid eye contact.

So thank you Yom Kippur for removing said individuals. With them, we are more colorful. Without them, we're more likely to focus on other things besides strangling ourselves.

Shalom!