Benefit for Haiti

Come join us for a Night of Improv Fun while we raise money for the earthquake victims of Haiti. We have pulled together students and friends from the local community to help entertain you while we help those in need. The devastation in Haiti will be an ongoing relief effort for many months and years to come as they rebuild their capital city and surrounding villages.

Recommended admission donation of $10

All proceeds raised from this event will go to Direct Relief International.
100% goes to help the people of Haiti.

Date:	Thursday, February 4, 2010
Time:	7:00pm - 10:00pm
Location:	Brookdale Performing Arts Center
Street:	765 Newman Springs Rd.
City/Town:	Lincroft, NJ

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=268672693346&ref=mf

Ryan, Living for Free

I have a twin sister who lives in Virginia and an older brother who lives in Hoboken. It is just my younger brother and myself that live with my parents. Tim is 21 and will either call me for a ride home from the bar or insist on playing my xbox live at times when I just want to be left alone.

I also own two dogs. Mason, the Pitbull, has an insatiable appetite for cat shit and destroying everything my mother holds dear while Sadie, who is not unlike a small ape, likes to drool and climb on you, making her point known: YOU are the bitch here, not me. My father has an undying love for the dogs, mainly because they're the only people who respect him. He takes Sadie out for hamburgers at McDonald's and will sometimes call her "Party Girl". My father also claims to have seen the ghost of Jerry Garcia flying around in my backyard. Rather than be horrified, my dad simply said "It's gonna be a GREAT day!"

Last week, upon entering my house, my father was furious that I did not respond to his text message about dinner. He wanted to know if he should stop at "the market" and prepare me a meal before the Helicopter Dance Off Improv Spectacular.

"Dad, I didn't get a text message. Are you sure you sent it to me?"

"Yes! And A response would be nice".

Ever since my dad got a cell phone, he has become obsessed with texting. He texted my sister once saying "if you need me, I'm in the garage". My sister was home at the time. Not 15 feet away.

I never got his text. And because you're always wrong in my father's eyes, I decided to prove a point. About a half hour later, I decided to shoot my dad a text. His ringer went off.

My Mother: "Mike! You got a text!"

My Dad: (reading it) "Diabetes?"

My Mother: "What's it say?!"

My Father: (becoming panicked) "I don't know! It just says diabetes!!!"

MyMother: "Who's it from?"

My Father: "I don't know!"

I enjoy proving people wrong. It makes me feel valuable and smart even though I don't always know how to spell words or remember how to divide without using a calculator. So imagine the joy I got from proving that he didn't actually text me. I discovered that my dad deleted the last digit of my cell phone, so had been texting nobody this whole time. But I felt bad because I can only imagine him sitting at work, waiting for a reply like a girl waiting for a call from the boy she likes.

As I was leaving for the improv show, I watched my mother open the oven and say "lookin' good, meatloaf!" I decided to let this go, and threw my bag on.

"Hey Bread Man," my father said as he stood up, "Wham 'em, bam 'em, slam 'em, thank you ma'am 'em tonight!"

My mother nodded her head, trying to cut him off. "No, Mike, you say...'shine bright, Ry' ". Well, I could have just peed on myself because I was laughing so hard. My mother is sweet. And sometimes she's painfully sweet. And sometimes she talks to the meatloaf.

But I adore my parents, like my brother even though he feels more like a college roommate, and hate my dogs. But I live for free and have no complaints. Because when I'm in bed, enjoying the heat that I'm not paying for, I think about my odd little family and smile. And then I remember that Jerry Garcia is around here somewhere, and I hide under my sheets until I pass out.

Sweet...Sweet...Revenge

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Billy Vs. Popular Music

I'm generally not a guy who watches much reality television or listens to music on Z100. It's just not my style music wise, and TV-wise it always seems just so staged and phony and scripted and it annoys me.

(That being said, Jersey Shore is a masterpiece.)

American Idol was a show that I always avoided, and still do for the most part, just because it's a competition show, which I generally hate, and it's to become a singer in a genre I never listen to. And it still is insanely staged and scripted. Obviously these three judges don't listen to 10,000 singers in 2 days. Other groups narrow down the 10,000 to a workable number, and even that number only has a handful of people with talent and the rest are WAAAAAAACKY people wearing WAAAAAACKY clothes being SAAAAAAAASY and WAAAAAAACKY and are delusional and scary and likely coaxed by producers to really play up their WAAAAAAACKINESS. My family got hooked into this Idol thing a few years back, and now watch religously. I'm in that group that is able to watch sometimes during the audition stage for comedy sake, but abandon the show once it turns serious. That's when it bores me. Seeing the really horrible acts try their song and get laughed off the stage is hysterical to me at first, but now the more I think about it, the more horrific it is. The terrible ones will sing, and sometimes the judges will fake being really into it, and singing along, and smiling, and basically raising the spirits of these people, only to burst into laughter when they eventually beg the singer to stop. It's a formula that's worked for years, and it's really all about how we love watching other people in misery. I'm one of them. Those losers with bad hair and two kids and no money and lots of dreams that get called "rubbish" in a pretentious accent crack me up. I started to think about other kinds of auditions that could end the same way.

Imagine being in a job interview, and you get asked a question and what you could bring to the company, and you give an answer that you think sounds professional, and the guy interviewing you is smiling and nodding and seems into it, and then you stop, and the guys laughs, and calls you names and kicks you out.

Imagine presenting a report at school, and the students and teacher watch you read this report you worked so hard on, and they see you sweating and freaking out, and when you're done, they start laughing, and pointing, and mocking your style, and your teacher wonders why you bother getting out of bed at all, because you're such a waste.

These scenarios crack me up, and just give me hope for America, and it's ability to laugh at those beneath us.

Keith's Top Seven Of The Week "Words to Pair with Mullet" (Not safe for work)

This week, I have returned to the list format while I sort through my 500 page middle school journal. Often I enjoy using the word mullet in conjunction with another word to make a point or confuse an adversary. For instance, "Ryan, you look mullet good in those jeans." or "Billy, your mother is a mullet lover". I promise you that everyone in earshot will stop what they are doing and pay attention, mainly because they are trying to decide if they should call a doctor because they are hearing things. Just remember, while you have there attention you might try to say something worthwhile! Here is a list of seven exceptional mullet paired words that I have come across that you may use in every day life.

7) Mullet mud

6) Driver's side mullet

5) Platter mullet

4) Hobbit Mullet

3) McMullet

2) Cunt mullet

1) Guaca-mullet

Start peppering your conversations with them and tell me how things work out.

Ryan, A Charity Case

As I sat in the empty food court, huddled behind my man purse, with a salami sandwich in my hands, a gentleman in a red and black polo walked over to me holding a tray.

"Hey man, what the HECK are you doing?"

"Eating...my lunch?"

I noticed that he had several "chik-fil-a" nuggets on his tray with thin tooth picks sticking out of them. He was the free sample guy. He looked at my pathetic sandwich and gave a semi-smirk.

"Hey man, you could be enjoying a delicious meal from "chik-fil-a" rather than eating that little old sandwich! Plus, the fries are amazing and you can get free refills on drinks!"

"Oh, I know, but I'm just trying to save money"

There was a moment of silence and it made me a little uncomfortable. "Move the sandwich off your bag". I picked up the sandwich and watched as he placed two nuggets on my ziploc bag. Then he placed two more. And then two more.

He shot me a smile, leaned in closer and almost whispered. "hey man, sorry bout that, I'm gonna come back around in a few minutes. If you're still hungry, I'll give you a few more."

"Oh wait, no, no, no I HAVE money - i just-!" But he was already gone, refilling his tray I'm sure.

So this man walked away thinking that i was just some random thin dude who ate his single sandwich in the food court of the monmouth mall everyday who drooled at the idea of a free chicken nugget sampler. Well I grabbed my purse and got the hell out of there and I don't plan on returning for at least 2 weeks!

Okay...maybe 3 days. Those free refills are worth all the shame in the world.

Cripple Con Thr33some

From Jan. 15th to the 18th I attended a caricature art convention in San Antonio, TX called Cripple Con. This was the third installment of the con which bore the title Thr33some, this was actually my second year going and it lived up to all my expectations. This convention was put together by a few of my close friends as a no-holds-barred art party that said "fuck you" to any kind of censorship at conventions.

The activities consisted of a live contest called the Art Fight, where you battled against fellow artists with two minutes to draw your best interpretation of whatever subject you were given. Some of the suggestions were Cookies & Milk Orgy, Cum Pirate, and Meat Lollipop. The winner was chosen from a three part, three minute nerve wrecking spectacle on the last night of the con, where the prize was a karate trophy with an engraved message saying, "Art Fight Champion of the Fuckin' World!"

There were other awards given out, not only for artwork, but such superlatives as Creepiest of the Con and Worst of the Con. Those people deserved it! The Crip Creeper, as it was called, was a prize of a pair of previously worn men's briefs from my pal Jeremy.

All in all, I spent the weekend with all my drunk friends staying up to all hours of the morning drawing, cracking jokes, dance parties, heavy petting, and everything and anything a group of people with a "I don't give a fuck attitude" could do. We weren't anarchists, but we knew what we could do and what we couldn't do. No matter what anyone says, that Sunday night pool party was worth it!

I'll leave you with the most disgusting thing I have ever drawn. It was for the themed wall for a Threesome. This drawing is now in the possession of Ryan, who is thinking of putting it in a frame as we speak. In case you're having trouble seeing the picture. The headless horseman's head is blowing the dude who is getting railed by the black horse. It's disgusting I know, but this is how I spent my weekend.

I hope you will join me next year for Cripple Con Fourskin...Naturally. It's going to be a blast!

-Sean

Lizzie hates on Alaska

So tonight I had a (completely unheated and casual) discussion with my (unfortunate and highly confused) republican friend. She claims that our lil ole go-getter Sarah Palin is a real smart cookie after reading her new book. She was also very adamant that Ms. Palin never said the phrase "I can see Russia from my house!" Now that may very well be true, but there are definitely some REAL quotes that proudly make her one of the dumbest people to ever grace the public eye....

"As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border."

"The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil."

"They are also building schools for the Afghan children so that there is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan."

"Absolutely not. I think that, if I were to give up and wave a white flag of surrender against some of the political shots that we've taken, that ... that would ... bring this whole ... I'm not doing this for naught."

"I would hope at least that those protesters have the courage and the honor of thanking our veterans for giving them the right to protest!"

"Well, let's see. There's -- of course -- in the great history of America rulings there have been rulings."

"They're our next door neighbors and you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska, from an island in Alaska."

"As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?"

"When I hear a statement like that coming from a woman candidate with any kind of perceived whine about that excess criticism, or maybe a sharper microscope put on her, I think, "Man, that doesn't do us any good, women in politics, or women in general, trying to progress this country."

Book burnings will be held in my backyard....

Billy Vs. The Fat Sandwich

I'm 26 years old, and for roughly 25 years and 363 days of that, I've been obsessed with food, and generally not eating well at all. Maybe I shouldn't say obsessed with it, that makes it sound like I made an effort to not eat right, and that's not true, I just had no willpower. My willpower has been getting stronger recently, but every person can be weak once in a while. I would usually hit fast food places like they were necessary in my bloodstream and would go out to Chili's or Fridays like my money was literally burning a hole in my pocket. These days I'm being more sensible, but that still doesn't mean I am not interested in an eating challenge every so often. That being said, for the first time in my life, I discovered a challenge I had no interest in being a part of, and it was a challenge that I quite frankly can't even believe exists.

I'll just assume you've all heard of "fat sandwiches." Made famous at Rutgers, with imitations all over the place. In the Monmouth County area, we have Nellys, which has terrific fat sandwiches and pretty good cheese steak pizza as well. I've had the fat sandwiches every so often and quite frankly they're glorious. It's as if a drunk guy went into his kitchen, took out a sub roll, opened his cabinets, dumped the contents into the bread, popped the roll in the microwave, took it out and chowed down. There is no rhyme or reason to any of these sandwiches. Breakfast food? You bet! Burgers and steak? ABSOLUTELY. The kitchen sink and a bag of chips? Hell yes, it's called the Fat Funeral. Well, recently at Nelly's, someone got bored and some decided to go all out. Literally put all of their sandwich toppings in one sandwich. They call it the "Fat Drunk Guy." The contents, and I quote:

• CheeseSteak
• Gyro Meat
• Meatballs
• Cheeseburger
• Bacon
• Eggs
• Mozzarella Sticks
• Curly Fries
• Onion Rings
• Jalepeno Poppers
• Lettuce(Ha!)
• Tomatoes(Haha!)
• Onions
• Ketchup
• Maybe And/Or BBQ Sauce

All on one sub roll.

It should be illegal. Quite frankly in some states I'm sure it is. But not in the glorious state that brought you The Situation it's not. That being said, this sandwich was not for me. I never had one. I didn't have the guts. But a friend of mine took the challenge, thinking he was man enough. The sandwich led to:

• Heavy breathing
• Loss of breath mid-sandwich
• Strain in arm from HOLDING sandwich
• Puking on 3 seperate occasions

If that doesn't make you hungry, I do not know what will.

The Notebook aka Stories from Keith's awkward years (high school)

As I continued to leaf through my middle school journal a bunch of papers feel out on the floor. It was a couple of notes that I wrote to a girl that I had a crush on my freshman year of high school.

Dear Brittany,

Last Monday when you fell in the quad and I helped you up, you gave me a hug. Now, call me crazy but I felt a connection there maybe even a romantic spark. Would you like to go out sometime? By the way you said "Thank you Kenny" after the hug, my name is Keith.

Sincerely,

Keith

Hey Brittany,

I think you may have gotten my note confused with another note because when you walked right past me at the Fall Ball dance the other night. I was just shocked when I saw you dancing with that senior Kevin Rightmen on the dance floor. Maybe we can reschedule for another time. By the way, after the dance was over and I returned your purse that you forgot on the bleachers you said "Thank you Kenny", my name is Keith.

Yours,

Keith

Brittany,

Hope your weekend is going well, I just wanted to touch base with you and let you know that last night when you were in the Hot tub with that senior Kevin and you thought you saw someone watching you from the bushes. That was me returning your bike... my name is Kenny in case you forgot.

I love you,

Kenny

Good thing she will never read those notes...

Ryan and the Scream 4 Opening

My dream role...

::RING RING RING RING RING::

Ryan: Hello?

Scream Guy: Hello.

Ryan:Who is this?

Scream Guy: Who is this?

Ryan: Oh my GOD! Is this Who wants to be a Mill-on-air?! D) AUSTRALIA!

Scream Guy: No! This isn't a game show. Besides, that was canceled like 7 years ago.

Ryan: Speaking of which, I think Ugly Betty might get canceled soon which is really sad because it started off so funny, ya know? My favorite character is Amanda -

Scream guy: Look, I don't give a fuck about Ugly Betty! I'm calling because I wanna play a game. You like games?

Ryan: I like catch phrase. But I don't like the Government category because I don't know anything -

Scream Guy: What's your favorite scary movie?

Ryan: Um....well, Paranormal Activity really hit home for me.

Scream: Are...are you sure it isn't something a little bit more classic? Like Halloween or Friday the 13th?

Ryan: I'm sorry, guy, I farted like 7 seconds ago and it fucking stinks in here.

Scream Guy: Who am I talking to?

Ryan: Well my name is Ryan, but since I got my haircut, I look like Jamie Lee Curtis. (sings) Activia!

Scream Guy: Well I wanna see what your insides look like, Ryan.

Ryan: God! You just reminded me - I've got a small tube of Vaseline in my murse and I wanted to take it out.

Scream Guy: Do you wanna die tonight?

Ryan: If you die, do your student loans go away? Cause if that's the case, take me home!

Scream guy: You...I don't think you're getting the point. I wanna kill you and spread your guts all over your living room.

Ryan: Well it's not like anyone would see it. I'm sure my two dogs and five cats would manage to clean it up before my mom and dad even got home. And yes I still live at home, ha ha, laugh it up.

Scream Guy: I - I think I'm gonna try another house.

Ryan: Hey, before you go, did you know Billy's mom swallows?

Scream Guy: Who the fuck is Bil-

Ryan: Later bater.

::CLICK::

A Funny Story (Part Conclusion)

So we play the Today Show for Conan O'Brien's 10th anniversary, our vice-principal gets a photo with the Chippendale's dancers and off we go to head back to shining central New Jersey at 8 or 9am. I have been awake and kicking for over 24 hours now. I'm starting to feel the burn of my 17 year-old frame telling me to GO TO SLEEP! As this is going on my friend Sean talks in a very girlish voice about a new thing called "Yam Stepping". It is a very complex activity that deserves the right amount of time to understand and execute in a professional manner.

First, you have a "Stepper". The Stepper is a someone who wears a shoe of some sort, be it a sneaker or loafer, it is ultimately up to the likes of the situation. Then you have the people who are being "Stepped". The Stepped are people, only males, who allow a Stepper to step on their genitalia. Gross, I know, but worth it!

Sean decided to describe all of these situations, in his exaggerated girlish voice, of people getting stepped like nobody's business. One that I remember, which was my last known memory before falling into a mini-coma from exhaustion from a camel and Al Roker, was of a scene in a backyard with a pool. You get all the Stepped in an in-ground pool with a nice cement walkway around its perimeter, it has to be a nice day where the sun is shining, and they put their junk up on the cement ledge. Here is where the Stepper proceeds to get ready for his job. The Stepper has to run at a pace where every other Stepped can be stepped by one foot, then after the first round, the Stepper has to turn around and step the remaining odd Stepped with the other foot. This creates symmetry and delay for the second round awaiting their doom seeing the pure agony of the already Stepped!

So as Sean is finishing this up I am laughing so hard that as I'm going down with my laugh volume, which in turn Sean looks over to me. I am slowly letting my head smear and droop down the window next to me as I am having my body do a fade out like a volume knob on a Bing Crosby record. While this is happening Sean is watching the whole thing in astonishment. He cannot believe his eyes and watches me laugh myself to sleep.

Very shortly after my passing out, our bus comes to the Tick-Tock Diner in Clifton, NJ off of Rt. 3. I am awoken to a halting bus and Sean. He then informs me that he witnessed me laugh myself to sleep and couldn't believe it. I vaguely remember my volume going down and leaning over a little bit, but everything after that was a dream.

I am very proud to bring this story to you, as well as the few other friends that have heard this. So the next time you stay up for more than 24 hours and your good friend is telling a funny story, you just follow in my footsteps of laughing yourself to sleep. Be well and sleep the whole night through ladies and gentleman.

Yours Truly,
Sean Favre

Also, I found the video of the performance so you can see all of this. I am the first enormous bass drum with my pal Craig manning the end bass drum. What a memory!

Lizzie's Magical Mystery

oooooooo.......maaaaagic.......

Bill's Example Calls

I was wracking my brain trying to come up with a blog this week, trying to think of something funny to talk about, when I suddenly realized that sometimes I don't need to think of anything funny. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to have the funny come to me, and that's what been happening recently. Some calls I've made for work have yielded some strange people on the other side of the phone, and I thought I'd share some with you. (The name of my place is edited, because, well, they scare me)

Generally when I call people I'm following up on an event these possible customers may have come to, and I'm trying to sell people our product. I called one such guy last week and mentioned my company name, and the guy got very excited, and I thought I had a sale until he said what he THOUGHT was my company name:

"Oh yeah, COMBOS, I love Combos! Those things are great."

I got very confused, and realized that my company name sounds similar, so I corrected him, and all the life fell from his voice.

"Oh, right, you guys. Yeah, listen I gotta go." *Click*

This guy, thought a snack food company was calling him, for no good reason at all. I suppose it's every guy's dream in some way. I know that if the creator of Pretzel Flipz called me I'd probably have a coronary.

One guy I called immediately read right through any bullshit I was about to spew his way and cut me off:

"Listen buddy, I've heard this stuff 10,000 times. You're not gonna wow me, you're not gonna impress me. I signed up at your booth at that event because you were giving away yo-yos. I love yo-yo's. And I have no interest in what you're selling." *Click*

........WE SELL YO-YO'S!!!

We manage to get calls coming in as well. Sometimes we act as a basic receptionist transferring calls, and sometimes we get sales calls. We handle computer backup software but for large companies, and sometimes I guess people get mixed up thinking it's for their own personal use and not for their boss. A guy called yesterday in a panic. Keep in mind I thought he was talking about his own company, and his voice redefined the word fear:

"Hi. Listen. You gotta help me. It's gone. It's all gone. Everything. I lost everything. ALL MY STUFF HAS BEEN ERASED. I GOTTA FIND IT!! THAT STUFF GOES BACK YEARS!!!"

"Sure sir, no problem. Are you a current customer with us?"

"No."

"Ok, I need to take down some info."

So, I take down basic contact info, and then I go to the second section of questions, where I ask for the amount of data he needs protected or saved.

"Oh, I dunno. I mean, it goes back YEARS. Pictures from every summer, I know some of my old college essays. I had recipes too. And emails. I don't know what I'm gonna do.."

"Sir, is this just your personal computer?"

"Yes, it is."

"Ok, we focus on businesses. We don't sell our product for single personal computers."

"......Are you fucking with me right now?"

"No sir, unfortun-" *Click*

I love my job sometimes.

Ryan and the Final Rejection

All the events God brings up in this imaginary conversation are true. He's a bitch like that.


God: Welcome, Ryan. As you know by now, you're dead.

Ryan: Oh my God!

God: What was that?

Ryan: I'm sorry. I just - this is just so shocking to me.

God: Yes...well, as you've heard, now is the time where I judge you based on the behavior in your life to see if you deserve to come to my awesome Heaven party.

Ryan: Okay. but I think we'll both end up agreeing that I was a good person who brought love into the heart of everyone I met.

With a snap of his fingers, a large book appears in his lap. He reads over it quickly.

God: I see here that when you purchased a large magnifying glass just so you could burn insects with it.

Ryan: Wow, that's in there? God, I'm sorry - but I was like 7. I'm sure tons of children have done that.

God: Perhaps. But not everyone used to poop on their neighbors lawn.

Ryan: Oh Jesus. That's embarrasing. Well, hey, their kids used to do it to us too! We figured if we pooped inside, we'd miss out on something during our games of make believe. You can see that, right?

God: You once put gum in your younger brother's hair. He cried when you cut it out.

Ryan: Sibling rivalries?

GOD: I wouldn't know. Have you ever stolen anything, Miss Barry?

Ryan: Heh. I'm actually a boy -

God: Yet you allowed your best friend to put you in a dress. That's a little...queer...isn't it?

Ryan: Okay fine! Once. A perfume for my sister. But it was for christmas! Money was tight.

GOD: I was actually talking about your grandparents alcohol. But now that you brought it up, what did you end up getting my son?

Ryan: I'm sorry?

God: Well Christmas IS his birthday. I don't recall you wishing him a prosperous 2009th birthday. Must not have heard you with all those dicks in your mouth.

Ryan: Hey! That's just not right -

God: I see you went to Catholic school your whole life, Mary. Learned lots of valuable lessons, I presume? Or were you too busy stealing birthday munchkins from one of Mrs. Donnelly's 4th graders?

Ryan: That was Shannon Merrigan's idea! I just went along with it.

God: And Mrs. Casey's brownies? You needed to steal them because...?

Ryan: Hey, man, she used to make me sing to her when everyone else was out at recess!

God: Because she wanted to give you the lead in the play, correct? She ended up doing so - and I believe that you ended up making up your own lines just to make your classmates laugh.

Ryan: You....uh...saw that?

God: Random question, sport. You ever watch porn in your neighbor's house when they weren't home?

Ryan: ...buh...

God: Your sophomore year of college you lined your roommates bed with gay porn. Explain.

Ryan: We thought it'd be funny.

GOD: And looky here. Your junior year of college you almost burned your apartment down because you put food in the oven and passed out. (pause) Twice. How classy.

Ryan: Yeah...uh...21 was a weird year.

GOD: How did it feel to tell that one girl in DC that she looked like Shrek? Or better yet, did you enjoy the fact that American Idol runner up Katharine McPhee overheard you say that she was "too famous to take pictures with fans"?

Ryan: Stop it! I can't listen to this anymore! I'm sorry, okay?! I'm sorry! I've done some wrong, sure, but I've grown up and I'm sorry!!!

GOD: (claps) And that's all I needed to hear.

Ryan: ...Huh? Seriously?!

God: Well, sort of. I needed to hear you apologize and....

Ryan: And what?

God: Katharine McPhee gets to take a poop on your chest.

Ryan: ....




I love Amy Sedaris. And goodnight!

A Funny Story (Part One)

I am a big fan of storytelling, besides baseball, it is the other American past-time. A good story is timeless, evokes emotion, laughter and any other thing that ties someone to a memory of when something happened. We are all full of stories that we share with numerous people. With that being said, I would like to share my story of when my good friend Sean, yes you can be friends with someone who shares your name, made me laugh myself to sleep after our school's marching band played the Today Show in New York City.

As a member of the marching band I raped those bass drums, xylophones and other percussive instruments on a daily basis and I couldn't wait to show those talents to the world. Our band director was contacted by the likes of the Late Night with Conan O'Brien show asking if they could have a small group come to perform for his 10th anniversary on the Today show at 7am, very short notice. So it was a go and only the small amount of seniors were allowed to attend this. We had about one or two days to learn the music, which was a drum and bugle corp rendition of Conan's hit opening theme song. You're singing it in your head just like me at the moment.

The day before our journey we had school as usual. This starts my time of being awake to ultimately lead to my demise into a exhausted laugh myself to sleep, which was a icing-on-the-cake-moment in my life. I wake up at 6am and go to school till 2pm, then my regular high school afternoon thing of who knows what, then our marching band has a scheduled practice from 6pm to 9pm. Everyone in my senior class is feeling invincible, thinking nothing will kill our excitement. Then from 9pm to 4am a lot of us stay up and party at our friend Anthony's house before we have to be on a bus to go up to the city. I can't imagine being a parent having to wake up for his job in the middle of the week as a bunch of 17 year olds are yelling and screaming downstairs, but Anthony's parents we're some true sports only asking us to keep it down once at 2:30am.

The time finally comes, we load the bus and we're on our way to the Today show in NYC! Some of us sleep, show signs of exhaustion, but not me I'm roaring to go so I can rape my bass drum for Conan O'Brien! We arrive, we set up, we practice, take some pictures with Al Roker, and start to see the insanity of this function for Conan. We share a pretty big dressing room with some performers such as Chippendale's dancers with their ripped bodies, and the Masturbating Bear, which was just an Asian guy in there. As we get outside in the brisk city air we see the set up, get our assignment of what to do and then I see the live animals that are a part of this production, one in particular was a camel and I remember an ostrich or llama. I could be mistaken...

Tune in next week for the conclusion of how my good friend Sean, yes I said before you can be friend with someone who share your name, on exactly what made me laugh myself to sleep. Until then, be safe and get some rest.

Yours truly,
Sean Favre

Lizzie Finds Failure

So I don't know if I'm the only person who doesn't know about this website, but I'm gonna talk about it anyway. It's called failbooking.com

Basically the website is intended to show just how stupid people are on facebook (Jay is jizzing his pants right now). People send in things they've seen on facebook, and it gets posted on the main page. There are things such as stupid statuses, stupid profiles, stupid pictures, and really stupid people who pose as Edward Cullen and act as if they are really him.

Here is an example (and one of my personal favorites):

True stupidity at it's finest.

I love America.

Billy and the 2010 Go-Getters

Oh hey everyone. Yes, breathe a sigh of relief. I have returned to blogging. Ok, keep breathing and now read on. Let's pretend we've never left each other shall we?

It's cliched to make resolutions, in my opinion. Don't get me wrong; I think it's good to have goals, but I think the idea of making a list of goals on January 1st can be intimidating. I feel like it's a list that just stares me down all year long. Over the years, I used to make lists, and they had the usual hits on it. Eat a wider variety of cheeseburgers, spend more time experiencing television, don't tax your heart with work outs. And throughout the years, I have been able to make good on those promises. As time goes on, my lists have grown smaller as my desire to live beyond 30 grows higher, and I keep some goals to make my way through the year, but I don't put the pressure of: "THIS IS MY RESOLUTION" behind it. That being said, over the years I would always hear that people made that famous weight loss resolution, and I always imagined that the first few weeks of January would be absolute chaos at a gym. Luckily, I never worried myself with joining a gym or eating vegetables, so I didn't have a first hand account. However, in mid-2009 I joined the dark side and joined Work Out World, and I could experience New Years Chaos first hand, and in a way, it absolutely exists.

My first trip to the gym was on January 4th. The gym I go to has a group of regulars. A mix of some old men, some big macho guys, three housewives who love sitting on the elliptical reading US Weekly and one woman who I loved watching on American Gladiators when I was eight. I expected to see them all there on the 4th of January, and when I entered, they were in fact there, along with 20 strangers. Suddenly, here were all these strange people I didn't know, using my machines, drinking from my water fountain. WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?!? Work Out World must make $12 billion every January. That's an actual stat. I was worried, WHERE WOULD I DO MY WORKOUTS WHILE I WATCHED EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND RERUNS?! I mean, listen to my workout mix.

Today, January 5th, I entered the gym nervously, and discovered to my surprise, that the only people there were the tough guys, the circus freaks and the geezers. Clearly, the new people saw the writing on the wall of their own lives and realized sleeping was a better option. It's days like this that I appreciate America's love of laziness.

This blog's abrupt ending has been brought to you by my desire to sleep.

Keith's Blog 2010 (It's the future)

Happy New Year, My Loyal Readers (read: Mom)!

I hope everybody had a wonderful holiday season full of friends, family and consumer goods. I apologize for being MIA for the past couple of weeks but I have returned! 2010 I will bring back my “Top Seven List” of the week along with excerpts from my middle school journal that I recently stumbled upon. This week I want to focus on to give you a couple of choice passages that focus on how I dressed as a sixth grader.

August 23, 1995

I just got back from visiting my grandparents in Florida! We spent the week on the beach and visiting theme parks. My favorite was Universal Studios, they had a giant section with nothing but Jurassic Park stuff in it. I bought 5 different Jurassic Park tee shirts even though my sister made fun of me. My mom was confused when I told her that I was almost done with my back to school shopping. I am so excited for the first week of school.

September 1, 1995

These last couple of days in summer have been super boring no one is around to see my awesome new tee shirts or talk about who got who for homeroom teachers. So I had my Dad drive me to the mall to try my shirts out on the public. Nobody talked to me.

September 7, 1995

It’s 3 days into the first week of school and no one has complemented me on my tee-shirts or the fact that I have matched 3 different tee-shirts to 3 different pairs of sweat pants that I own.

September 12, 1995

Today I ate my lunch in the nurse’s office. She told me her nephew loves Jurassic Park and he is 5.

Wow, I am surprised I made it out alive. See you next week.

Jay's Rejected Jimmy Fallon Jokes

The following jokes were rejected from Late Night with Jimmy Fallon's monologue throughout December:

Yesterday NASA revealed the first-ever image showing liquid on another planet. After seeing it James Cameron was like, “…No, you guys got it wrong.”

President Obama surprised a group of children at a Boys and Girls Club in Washington, D.C. yesterday with a basket of cookies and a Christmas Story. 44% of the kids approved.

During his visit to a Boys and Girls Club in D.C. yesterday, Obama said, “Here’s the question: have you guys been good?” The kids were like, “Well if you polled our parents, we’d definitely have a higher rating than you.”

Listen to this - a new study says the global reindeer population has dropped 60 percent in the last three decades due to climate change. Which means no ones getting Christmas gifts; Blitzen can’t pull that fatty by himself.

Avatar opens tomorrow, and I read that it cost $500 million to make. I think it would’ve been cheaper to film on-location.

According to a new poll, 19% of people haven’t begun their Christmas shopping. Maybe if they stopped participating in new polls they could get it done.

We got 11 inches of Snow this weekend in New York. People built snowmen, had snowball fights, and Tiger Woods proved no two flakes are the same.

A 100-year-old grandmother in Brazil will become the world’s oldest skydiver on Christmas day. God willing.

A Lil Wayne concert in Texas was postponed this weekend after authorities found marijuana on one of his tour buses. The police would have searched the other busses, but after the first, their hands were way too interesting.

The Sausage McMuffin, a sausage burrito, a sausage biscuit, a small coffee, and a hash brown will be added to the McDonald’s dollar menu in January. They’ll also be added to the list of things Tiger Woods can afford if he keeps this up.

Electrolux just came out with a new vacuum with a built-in iPod doc and speakers – so you can listen to music while you clean. The only down side is that all your music sounds exactly like a vacuum cleaner.

Ryan on Day 2

2010. Day 2.

I woke up this morning at 12:02pm after a night of polishing off a bottle of champagne by myself. Look at how pathetic I am. I thought by day 2, I would have kicked the stuff. Old habits die hard, I s'pose. Also, I'm not as regular as I thought I'd be by day 2. Today - well let's just say I had a few pebbles rather than a well lubricated loaf of shit. God. How could I have been so naive? Some may say that I set my goals too high in such a short amount of time. I say "go fuck your momma's double wide ass".

It's 5:24. I have not yet finished this comic book. I promised that this was gonna be the year I read more. Why isn't this happening?! Why can't I get through this book?!? MOST OF IT IS PICTURES! BIG ONES!!!

Maybe I'm too concerned with killing Andrew from the real world d.c. Remember the days when you had to be semi attractive to be on that show? And also had to....uh...be able to speak? But hey - not everyone is a lost cause on that show. There's one girl who is a "maybe lesbian" who grew up in a cult. Just like Lindsay Lohan.

Side note: I want to be on DJ AM's GONE TOO FAR season 2. If anyone knows how to make it happen, please hit up my e-mail at BILLYSmomEATSweiners@gmail.com. But that's not my resolution.

My resolution for 2010 is for everyone to be afraid of me. So if you ever see me walk into the dunkin donuts with my pocket knife out, it's not a mistake. it's because I want things done my way - that menas TOASTED bagel with VEGETABLE cream cheese, bitch. And I want it now.

Time to go work on my "Bad Romance" duet with Kory.