Ryan and the Final Rejection

All the events God brings up in this imaginary conversation are true. He's a bitch like that.


God: Welcome, Ryan. As you know by now, you're dead.

Ryan: Oh my God!

God: What was that?

Ryan: I'm sorry. I just - this is just so shocking to me.

God: Yes...well, as you've heard, now is the time where I judge you based on the behavior in your life to see if you deserve to come to my awesome Heaven party.

Ryan: Okay. but I think we'll both end up agreeing that I was a good person who brought love into the heart of everyone I met.

With a snap of his fingers, a large book appears in his lap. He reads over it quickly.

God: I see here that when you purchased a large magnifying glass just so you could burn insects with it.

Ryan: Wow, that's in there? God, I'm sorry - but I was like 7. I'm sure tons of children have done that.

God: Perhaps. But not everyone used to poop on their neighbors lawn.

Ryan: Oh Jesus. That's embarrasing. Well, hey, their kids used to do it to us too! We figured if we pooped inside, we'd miss out on something during our games of make believe. You can see that, right?

God: You once put gum in your younger brother's hair. He cried when you cut it out.

Ryan: Sibling rivalries?

GOD: I wouldn't know. Have you ever stolen anything, Miss Barry?

Ryan: Heh. I'm actually a boy -

God: Yet you allowed your best friend to put you in a dress. That's a little...queer...isn't it?

Ryan: Okay fine! Once. A perfume for my sister. But it was for christmas! Money was tight.

GOD: I was actually talking about your grandparents alcohol. But now that you brought it up, what did you end up getting my son?

Ryan: I'm sorry?

God: Well Christmas IS his birthday. I don't recall you wishing him a prosperous 2009th birthday. Must not have heard you with all those dicks in your mouth.

Ryan: Hey! That's just not right -

God: I see you went to Catholic school your whole life, Mary. Learned lots of valuable lessons, I presume? Or were you too busy stealing birthday munchkins from one of Mrs. Donnelly's 4th graders?

Ryan: That was Shannon Merrigan's idea! I just went along with it.

God: And Mrs. Casey's brownies? You needed to steal them because...?

Ryan: Hey, man, she used to make me sing to her when everyone else was out at recess!

God: Because she wanted to give you the lead in the play, correct? She ended up doing so - and I believe that you ended up making up your own lines just to make your classmates laugh.

Ryan: You....uh...saw that?

God: Random question, sport. You ever watch porn in your neighbor's house when they weren't home?

Ryan: ...buh...

God: Your sophomore year of college you lined your roommates bed with gay porn. Explain.

Ryan: We thought it'd be funny.

GOD: And looky here. Your junior year of college you almost burned your apartment down because you put food in the oven and passed out. (pause) Twice. How classy.

Ryan: Yeah...uh...21 was a weird year.

GOD: How did it feel to tell that one girl in DC that she looked like Shrek? Or better yet, did you enjoy the fact that American Idol runner up Katharine McPhee overheard you say that she was "too famous to take pictures with fans"?

Ryan: Stop it! I can't listen to this anymore! I'm sorry, okay?! I'm sorry! I've done some wrong, sure, but I've grown up and I'm sorry!!!

GOD: (claps) And that's all I needed to hear.

Ryan: ...Huh? Seriously?!

God: Well, sort of. I needed to hear you apologize and....

Ryan: And what?

God: Katharine McPhee gets to take a poop on your chest.

Ryan: ....




I love Amy Sedaris. And goodnight!