HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM HDO!

Helicopter Dance Off would like to wish you all a very, Merry Christmas.

and hold your heads up, because even when Aunt Mara finishes the last of the egg nog and Uncle Bobby inappropriately grazes your chest while reaching for the yams, remember that we love you and can't wait to celebrate THE NEW YEAR with you all next Wednesday, mixing great resolutions with really bad jokes.

A Proper Well-Balanced Diet

Make sure you know what you are feeding your cat.

-Sean

GREETINGS FROM NEVADA!

It's 1:00AM and, as usual, I am restless, exploring the soft curves of my friend named the internet. After checking facebook, twitter, several blogs and all other social networks for updates, newsfeed and notifications, I find myself casually perusing google images, like any other evening spent alone with my macbook. I tend to get a kick out of typing in bizarre combinations of words into the search bar and laughing by myself at whatever unrelated images show up. I wanted share with you all some of my favorites, starting with the trifecta of 'cat whisper cream', shown above. There is clearly no cat in the picture, nor is there any cream, or at least as far as I can tell... Although she appears as though she could be a whisperer, it comes off as a creepy knitting advertisement.

Below is what showed up for the search for 'gloved bacon retro', who knew there was even such a thing... THERE IS A GOD!

Moving on. For anyone who caught tonight's show, you witnessed a beat down between Sean and I, in what started as a Volleyball serve, and ended as getting my ass served back to me on a silver plate. Truth be told Sean is a vegetarian and, in my opinion, a peaceful monarch in search of the perfect sunflower to perch upon... He wouldn't hurt a fly, which is perhaps why the scene was incredibly funny to be in. His beat down DID however remind me of two things: how much I love volleyball, and how much I love violence. Now mix those two together and you've got an upgraded version of any WWF match. Naturally, it being 1:00AM and I being restless, put google images to the test in searching 'volleyball'... who knew there were so many different kinds? For exmaple...

There's Volleycat:

There's Volleyshark:

There's Volleyseal:

Hell! There's even Volleywhale:

...it wasn't until I was curious enough to type in 'Abusive Male Volleyball Player', where I was graced with this gift from God, that's right ladies and gents, Senator Reid, as a turkey...

Not to get all political on anyone, but Reid did numerous campaigns against domestic violence, and according to Nevada natives, hasn't done shit to support the cause, but quite frankly, it's Nevada, so who gives a shit... I did, however, find the following excerpt from a press conference with the Senator rather amusing, mostly the bolded phrase:

“Men when they’re out of work tend to become abusive,” Reid said as he argued in favor of a cloture vote on the jobs bill. “I met with some people while I was home dealing with domestic abuse. It has gotten out of hand. Why? Men don’t have jobs. Women don’t have jobs either, but women aren’t abusive, most of the time. Men, when they’re out of work, tend to become abusive. Our domestic crisis shelters in Nevada are jammed.”

That's right America.... women don't have jobs, nor are they abusive......most of the time....

That's all for now. I'm heading back to google images.

-Amylee

This is for any little girl out there who once had a dream of becoming a police dog team, and didn't... This trailer is for you.

-Amylee

"Ice Cream, Officer?"

My lack of driving skills and I have been pulled over 11 times.

Tonight, we made it a dozen.

As I was pulling out of the Inkwell Coffee House in Long Branch, yes, that's right folks, your favorite improv comedy venue, I developed the sudden urge for some Tasti-D-Lite. For those of you who are unaware of what this treasure is, it's downright 'skinny ice cream'. That's right, ice cream, but not really. Frozen yogurt, yet, not at all. It's delicious and conveniently located a block and a half away from Inkwell.

Anyway, after two hours of ballroom dancing and discussing how many calories are in desserts at Applebees with some fellow HDO members, Tasti-D-Lite was just what I needed, and Tasti-D-Lite was what I was going to get. As I made my way into the small shack of an ice cream haven illuminated by blue neon lights, I ordered my chocolate macaroon (I can't say ice cream, because once again, it isn't) in a waffle cone (because I eat ice cream like I'm 12) coated in rainbow sprinkles and butterfingers pieces (because one topping is never enough topping). There was something deep inside telling me that driving home while eating this gem of frozen goodness could be a challenge, though nothing I haven't done before. So my knees did the driving as I devoured what started as a cone, and at the squeeze of my left hand, crumbled into a mound of melting frozen goodness and a dozen little waffle cone pieces.

It was then I saw the lights.

At first I was convinced they were going after somebody else, because my knees are wonderful drivers, but then I realized that the cop car and I were the only two on the road. I grabbed the wheel with one chocolate covered hand and pulled over to the best of my ability. Meanwhile, my face is covered in ice cream, as is my chest, the top of my shirt, my thighs and my steering wheel. I was a mess, but you wouldn't have wasted the $5.75 Tasti-D-Lite, either. That's no bargain.

"License and registration, please." I continued to lick all parts of my left hand as my right held what was quickly becoming all liquid. It was then the officer noticed my ice cream took precedent over this whole authority situation. I explained that I had just gotten the cone a moment prior and that I could not waste the $5.75. The officer was obviously an ice-cream hating Christian, because he then instructed me to get rid of the cone (well, cone pieces). I panicked for a minute, and then went about reaching out my window to throw the cone on the ground, when the officer informed me that I would then be littering, and he would be forced to write me an additional ticket due to the paper surrounding the bottom of the cone. It was then I realized that I was bent over in front of the strong hand of the law. So I did what any hungry, foolish twenty year-old would do and I shoved all that was left of my cone into my mouth. He stood looking down at me, somewhat baffled and somewhat disapproving. I then wiped my hands on my shirt (goodbye blouse) and handed him my license, registration, insurance and chocolate covered PBA card. He disappeared for a minute, walked back, handed me my things along with a wet one and simply said 'I Love Tasti-D-Lite, clean up and have yourself a good night, now.'

So the moral of my story is, always eat Tasti-D-Lite, or at least carry a PBA card.

-Amylee (you know, that other girl)

Breaking the silence!

As entertainers it can be a hard life of self-fulfillment and tons of groupies that cannot be fought off. This here is my dear friend Marlo's episode for her show where she shows the true meaning of what it is to be an entertainer. Enjoy!



-Sean

Yep...

...someone thought this was a good idea to make.

-Sean

Ryan on Love

So I'm sitting at work today, taking a major shit. Felt like a football.

Anyway, as I'm relaxing, thinking about this and that, the tip of my weenis is like... tapping the inside of the bowl. It's practically knocking.

So there I am, with my penis on the inside of the bowl and I'm thinking to myself "my god, this is disgusting! Thank god nobody has to put their mouth on this -"

Oh.
Wait.


So now I'm thinking, "My god, how many people have had toilet bowl weiner INSIDE their mouth?" Then I'm thinking to myself, "what about the instances where someone has left...ya know...TRACKS"

I work with 45 people. 45 PEOPLE HAVE SHIT IN THAT TOILET! So my penis is touching the communal toilet and I KNOW we don't clean it. Even thought we're supposed to every wednesday and saturday. nobody goes NEAR that thing!

So, as I'm finishing up, I'm laughing. I am laughing on the toilet with my pants around my ankles, because I am thinking what a mean trick this would be to play on some whore who wants a penis in her mouth. And she wouldn't know. Especially if it was a trick.

So next time, whore, you put a ween in your mouth - say, AT A PARTY - just remember that the tip of that ween was probably scraping the inside of the toilet bowl. And now it's in your mouth.

Good luck, whore. Hope he calls tomorrow.

It's a Doggy Dog World

So, working in Asbury Park gives me the opportunity to watch a wide variety of people walk by. And one trend that I've come to notice is that a lot of people own dogs. But the strange thing about this is that many of them LOOK like their dogs. Now I've never understood this, as I look nothing like my dog (he's black and I'm obviously Korean), but it really is a true occurrence. Here are some examples:









































But the only thing better than people who look like dogs, are people who look like cats:




KITLER!!!!










Meow!

-Lizzie

Check This Out

My very good friend Erik X. Raj has released his very own Children's Book entitled, "One Seashell, Two Seashell, Flap, Flap, Flap." Erik is an accomplished Speech-Pathologist that is spreading his message of positivity in working hard to meet your goals.

I know this is a comedy blog, but let's take a slight step away from that and look at the creative minds that are at work. Art is about expression. To fully appreciate art whether it is Keith acting as Dracula on stage while Lizzie is a Werewolf just outside of Six Flags, the same art of Erik's book expressed some great messages while having fun at the same time.

"One Seashell, Two Seashell, Flap, Flap, Flap" by Erik X. Raj from erikxraj on Vimeo.

If you would like to purchase this influential book you can check out Erik's site at http://www.erikxraj.com/store

Hopefully this will inspire you to do great things.

Your pal,
Sean

Billy Goes Old School

Like most kids in 1997, I owned a Nintendo 64 and my life revolved around Goldeneye 007 multiplayer. If you were not a kid like me, I'm sorry you didn't have a true childhood. Clearly, the folks at CollegeHumor DID have a childhood, and have allowed us this stroll down memory lane.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

My love of Minivans

Toyota has a great new marketing scheme to promote their new Sienna minivans to the likes that has never been seen!



I know I'm starting to think of ditching the latest vehicle I'm driving to hop into one of these bad boys really soon. I can always a lease a family to go with it, I'm not worried.

-Sean

Pictures Say A Thousand Words

This was taken at a Brookdale performance we did a couple of months back. Lizzie is to the right with the fine boots and Amylee's head is cut off in this picture so she's just some plaid with legs.

-Sean

Do They Really?

Well?

-Sean

Jimmy Jammzz!

For all of the youngsters who always needed the right set of "How To" videos to teach them how to draw, look no further. Jimmy Jammzz teaches you all there is to know about drawing everything from hands, majestic horses and kitty cats!

You can check out the Jimmy Jammzz blog at: http://superexpertsusa.blogspot.com



Get drawing!

-Sean

What else can you find on the internet!?!?!

The internet is full of crazy, outlandish, weird, and pointless sites for the everyday user. The only challenge to this is actually finding these gems on the interwebs. Here is one of those sites that you would never actually find, or look at, until someone "linked" you.

Ever want to see what a baby holding their parent looked like. Look no further than to http://ManBabies.com!!!!

I have included a couple of my favorite Man Babies.

GET MORE AT ManBabies.com!

GET MORE AT ManBabies.com!

GET MORE AT ManBabies.com!

I hope you all enjoyed that.

-Sean

Billy vs. The Missed Opportunity

Yes boys and girls, I'm back. It's been a while. I know I've missed you, and I can only imagine just how much you've missed me, so let's just jump right in shall we?

I used to go on Craigslist years ago, looking for work around the area. It always seemed like a good tool to use for people get in touch with people. I got a job on a film set from Craigslist, one of the best months of my life. I owe a lot to that site now that I think about, but the positives of the page are not what I'm looking to focus on right now.

I think the idea of the personal ad section MISSED OPPORTUNITIES is a pretty cool one when taken at face value. You have a fleeting moment with someone at a mall, in a bar, on the beach, anywhere really. Circumstances come up, you can't get in touch with the person. You don't have a name and you don't have a phone number. You only have the memories. What can you do?? You can't do Facebook unless you want to go through thousands of names hoping to find your glorious needle in a haystack. Craigslist comes up with the solution. MISSED OPPORTUNITIES. There are some legit ones in there that are kinda cool to read, and kinda sad. People trying to cling to a moment they had with someone. It's such a damn longshot but people need to do what they can, and I can respect that. BUT, sometimes, comedy strikes. And comedy has struck my friends. Closer than I ever imagined.

So I'm browsing the Missed Connections page earlier today and I see one that has a town listed that's near me. That almost never happens, so it caught my eye. Then I realized that it's about an OPPORTUNITY that took place at my gym. I could only imagine what it was. Maybe I even knew the people involved! Maybe I could piece together this mystery. I had to check it out. Here is what it read:

I didn't want to stop working out because I was enjoying watching you do push ups right in front of me today. Great butt by the way! Too bad you left before I could thank you for the motivating view.

That was it.

So let me get this straight. Here's this woman at the gym, going about her daily routine. She sees this guy working out in front of her. The guy is built and she can't help but notice him. I've seen plenty of creepy people staring at the gym. They all think they're subtle, but they're not. It also doesn't help that you're staring while sweating and panting for breath, but yes, the girls can tell I would imagine, unless they're 100% oblivious or straight up blind. So this woman is checking a GUY out, is really impressed, sees the guy leaving, and decides to write about her missed opportunity on Craigslist instead of actually letting the guy know. Clearly this guy isn't going to know about this event. It wasn't a missed opportunity for him as far as he knows; he was just going about his business getting checked out by girls at the gym. He probably has a firm grasp on his opportunities while this woman is looking to get a firm grasp of something else. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?? So, I guess my only question would be:

Why didn't she say hello? I'm really quite personable.

Which is worse? Karaoke or Lip Syncing?

This is the age old question that has been pondered over by the greatest progressive thinkers. Which do you hate more, karaoke or lip syncing? You be the judge, my pets.





My answer, they're both just as bad. Two thumbs down.

-Sean

Ryan, An Easter Memory

Yes, yes, I know that Easter has already passed, but at the Barry household, we're still remembering zombie Jesus and our Easter baskets are still out, so technically, this counts.

Easter is always an odd holiday because we eat so early in our house. That means we get up earlier than normal to help with the chores and whatever, and it's a lot of waiting for everyone to get there. So ultimately, the day drags on forever and by 4, you feel like you've already done a full day's work.

Anyway, it's always the same set up with us. Put the dogs away, put out the snacks, talk to each other for a few minutes, and then just kind of stare until dinner. And even when that comes around, it's more silence for the most part. Then, my sister will get up and start cleaning the dishes and all the everyone will help separate everything into individual doggie bags for the guests. Everyone really lends a hand.

Well, I hate touching other people's food. I think it's really gross and I can't dwell on it for too long, otherwise I may gag. I also don't like looking at messy plates. It's just...slop. Barf.

So, with this in mind, a few years ago, we were all done eating and my brother and I went into our room and were playing video games. We were done before everyone else and we could hear what was going on. Then we heard the clinking of plates and the rounding up of silver wear. They started to clean.

"Get the boys to help" I heard my mother say. My little brother had heard it too, and he looked right at me. Without speaing, he threw his controller onto the bed, jumped off his bed, and slid under his bed. I immediately followed, tucking myself far enough in so that the bed spread and darkness would hide me. I could see Tim across the room, pinning himself against the far wall. This was great! They would never find us in here, and by the time they did, all the dishes would be done and the kitchen would be spotless. Just in time for dessert!

So I could see the footsteps enter my room, spin around and exit. It worked. We waited a few more minutes, and we could hear them talking in the kitchen about us. "Where are the boys?"

"I thought they were in there room!"

"Call their cellphones!"

Luckily, T-Mobile sucks and I get no recpetion in my house. Especially UNDER MY BED. So I see a few more pairs of feet enter, pace around, and exit.

"Check outside for the boys!" Uh-oh. They're getting worried. Minutes passed, and rather than come out, revealing my great hiding spot, I took a nap. I guess Timmy did too because he was awfully quiet. We were like vampires in coffins, hiding right under their noses.

After I woke up, I consulted my phone to see that some time had passed, and I missed 14 phone calls and 5 text messages. Wow, they must really be worried, I figured.

"Tim?" I said in a whisper. Across the floor, under the bed but covered in darkness, my brother replied "yeah?"

"You think dessert's ready?"

Tim poked his head out, like a turtle. We emerged, the light hurting our eyes. So we walked out together, and everyone turned to look at us.

"Where were you?! We called you!"

"We...hid under our beds". I could feel them staring at us, judging. All I could hear them thinking was "But...he's 21. Why - why would he hide under his bed?" But they laughed it off and said nothing else. So I walked over and grabbed myself a brownie, not caring what they thought of me.

As the night went on, I could only think about the following Easter, and what if everyone caught on to my brother's great idea. All i could picture was Aunt Rose and Uncle George under my parents bed. My mother would walk in, bend down and offer them a slice of pie to which they would say "No thank you, dear, we're full. But we'd love a cup of coffee".

Check It Out

You should check out my good friend Marlo's webisodes on http://www.youtube.com/marlomeekinz. Below are two episodes for your enjoyment.





-Sean

Billy vs. The Drunks

When I was in college and really started drinking, I was about as far away from a beer snob as you could be. That choice didn't come from any attempt to be normal and avoid being a douche; it just so happened that cheap beer lots of people frown upon were around $11 a 30 pack. For a college student with no job, that deal sounds like heaven, and it was. So, for two years of college, I drank mostly cheap stuff. Busch, Coors, Miller, etc. Now, don't get me wrong. These beers definitely have their qualities. They're light, and taste decent, and for $11 a 30 pack, they fueled beer pong games for months on end, and I didn't know any better.

Once I left school, and started getting introduced to different beers of different flavors and seasons, I realized there was quite the world out there to satisfy my growing alcoholism. (NOTE: America is frickin great.) Pretty soon, unless there was a drinking game that required a beer that went through you like water, I went for different beers, and I'm not gonna bore you with names. If you know me, you know what they are, and if you don't you're probably so disgusted by my shameless drinking problem that you've switched blogs by now. I don't blame you.

A few years back, we discovered the mecca for our drinking, and it's the Atlantic City Beerfest. And it is just what it sounds like. They essentially rent out an airplane hangar, and fill it to the brim with different beers. They give you a little glass, and let you loose. Imagine there was a BaconFest. There's gotta be, right? Anyway, we've made it a trip every year and it becomes one of my annual highlights, and it's amazing how many drunks they can cram in one place. This year, we got to our session early and made a remarkable and terrifying discovery. The afternoon session was being let out, and have you ever wondered what it sounds like when 3,000 drunks people are let loose into the street at the same time? It's literally a zombie apocalypse. People moaning, screaming, stumbling, falling, attacking, laughing. I knew what it was like to be on THAT side of it, but I had never been on the sober side. A normal person would see it and decide they had more dignity. Luckily that didn't happen. I went in, as did my friends, and we drank for four hours, and we tried to act classy and sophisticated, but by the end we were just like the slobs we saw in the afternoon. Pretty sure that's what you call the circle of life.

Anyway, I guess the moral of my story is that beer is great and everyone should drink it in large groups. Tell your parents HDO said so.

Ryan and the Sound of Music

It was roughly 7 a.m. when the thought hit me. It's early, I know, but some of my ideas come when I least expect them, like uninvited guests to one of my dress up parties.

I was working in the store with two teenage boys, and for some odd reason, we had decided to stick to our own iPods. We worked to our own beat, not talking to one another. As I checked the presentations in the front room, a disturbing thought occurred to me. "If a murderer came in here RIGHT NOW, held a gun to my head and said "switch iPods or I'll kill you!"...would I be willing? Because, you see, at this point in time, 7:00 am, Madonna was blasting in my ears. How embarrassing, I thought.

But then I began to wonder what THEY were listening to. Something cool, I bet. Or maybe not. Probably just stuff they hear on the radio. I've got some good stuff on mine, stuff they've probably never heard. So I stopped working and began to scroll through my playlist. "Come on, find something good. Something WORTHY!"

And then it hit me. I have horrible taste in music. I don't like a certain type of music, I accept tunes from all walks of life. But because I accept ANYTHING, I clearly have no standards. So, I've decided to bare my soul, and list for you my most embarrassing tracks.

The X-Men Cartoon Theme song. Weird. But fucking awesome.
Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" (three times) because once isn't enough.
The "Angel" Theme song. It...it was a gift?
"Pieces of Me" by Ashlee Simpson. I hate her so this baffles me.
An entire Blue Man Group cd. (...)
Works by Christopher Beck...aka "fight songs from Buffy the Vampire Slayer". If the zombie apocalypse happens, I know what tracks I'll be playing!
Clay Aiken's Christmas album. Because everyone loves a lesbian christmas.
Enya's "Only Time".
Hannah Montana. i actually ASKED my twelve year old cousin for this cd, only to discover that it was a double disc! BONUS!
"Jennifer Lopaz"...because Jennier Lopez is too classy
Oh, hey! Kenny Loggins. I knew I could count on him to make an appearance!
La Bouche's "wanna be my lover". An oldie but a goodie. No matter how you argue it.
Matthew Hall and Meagan Moore. You may know their deut from "The Polar Express". I saw that movie with my english professor in my sophomore year of college. It has sentimental value, assholes!
Menudo. the NEW menudo. not even the old one! (cries)
Moulin Rouge. I think I downloaded this when I was drunk. Yeah...drunk. really drunk.
Newsies. Christian Bale's got the pipes, son!
O-Town "Liquid Dreams" because that's what i get when I listen to it.
Susan Boyle's cover of Wild Horses. She's ugly but I want her to be filthy rich.
Vitamin C's "Graduation Song". I can explain...
Remember the fake mtv band, 2Gether? If you don't, I have all their cds! My older brother gave them to me. (because I asked for them)
"Pippin's Song" From Lord of the Rings.
And finally...the Wicked soundtrack. because I love being a stereotype.

NOW JOT DOWN YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING TRACKS! Then take them out of your iPod, and bury them in the backyard.

Lizzie's Hardcore Moment of the Week: Never Drink and Squeak

It's 10pm...do you know where your beer is?

Just last night, in Palmerston, Australia at around 2:30am, a man committed the horrible act of breaking into a house and stealing all the alcohol from the fridge! He did not take anything else in the house, but instead went for the most valuable items the inhabitants owned: a six-pack of beer, and two bottles of wine.

This quick thinking burglar knew he could not hold all the items by himself to make a quick getaway, so he decided to use their wheelie bin to help him make a smooth exit.

Unfortunately, this particular bin was particularly and insanely loud and squeaky. This instantly woke the homeowners who then called the police.

Although the victims never got a look at the burglar, it was pretty easy to give the cops an accurate description: he's the creepy guy walking down the road at 2:30am with a wheelie bin as loud as two birds getting fisted.

He was found pretty soon after just one block away. One less monster walking those fine Australian streets.

God Bless America.

Charity Event

We will be performing at a charity event benefiting the Ronald McDonald House on Sunday, April 18th at the The Cullen Center in Hazlet, NJ. All proceeds will help those in need, so come join us for a wonderful night of laughs, food, and music.

You can buy tickets in person at our shows every Wednesday night at the Inkwell in Long Branch. Doors open 8:30. Show starts at 9pm.

Recap:
Sunday, April 18, 2010
6pm-10pm

The Cullen Center
1776 Union Ave
Hazlet, NJ

Tickets:
$15 minimum donation.

You can find any additional information by clicking the link below.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/event.php?eid=378215265072

-HDO

Ryan and the Prank

Some aspects of this story are tweaked because apparently some people have "feelings". Now, knowing that, eat it up, kids.

I was a tour guide at La Salle University for 2 and a half years, and because of this, my social circle grew threefold! not only did I make friends with the current student staff, I became friends with the "adult" staff and the incoming freshman who were on my tours. I often met several people who would come up to me and say "You were my tour guide! I came here because of you!" It was a great honor and I truly hoped that they would love the school as much as I did.

However, as most social circles go, personalities will match, clash, or never even take off. In the case of Samantha, a cheery, baby voiced, speech pathology major, my blood would sometimes boil around her. She walked almost as if she was skipping and I cannot recall how many times I wanted to push her down on the concrete. She was very sweet, but to a fault, almost believing it all to be an act. "How can anyone be THAT chipper?" As she sat at the computer, avoiding work while everyone did something, I imagined what it would be like to walk up to her and punch her in the side of the head. I pictured a metal plate over her temporal lobe. "She's a robot!", I would scream. "I knew it! She's a robot!"

As the year progressed, and the work died down, everyone became focused on graduating and spending their last few weeks in great spirits. As I watched the seniors prepare to take off, the underclassmen were needed more- and we were spread thin. One friday, it was completely dead and a few of us were hanging around. As Samantha played on facebook, I decided it was time to see how happy she would be if someone played a prank on her. I wanted her mad. I wanted her furious. I wanted her to be the angry robot I knew her to be.

So i took her phone when she wasn't paying attention and took my number out of it. I then texted her this message. "I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!". Now it was time to play it cool. When she came back, and looked at her phone, I was dying on the inside. "Oh my god...OH MY GOD! Look at this!" Samantha showed me her phone and I played dumb.

"Who would write that to you?! You're so sweet!" She got up, paced a little, and wracked her brain as I watched. At this very moment, my soul was being fed by her pain. I grew stronger! So I watched, and I watched, and I watched as she went up to everyone. Shock fell over their faces. "Samantha! It's gotta be a joke!" And a good one, at that.

A little time had passed that day, and people began to clock out one by one until there was only a handful of us left. Samantha returned to the break room and she was still so perplexed. We didn't talk for a while, which was fine by me, until I could tell that she was really suffering. It began to get sad and I felt for her, she didn't really deserve this. Samantha got up and took the seat next to mine. I thought this odd.

"I think I know who texted me". She had figured it out. And how do you apologize for something like that? Especially after letting it go on for so long.

"You...do?"

"I can only think of one person. Promise not to tell anybody?"

"Samantha, I would never do that". HA! She leaned in, and I listened as she whispered.

"I had a lesbian experience two months ago..." My mouth dropped. I think my testicles dropped. "And after I broke it off, she turned into this...this psycho!" My head cocked like a confused dog.

"WHAT?!" This had turned into something bigger than any prank and I was a part of it. It was like the gods were looking down on me and saying "Yes, you deserve this". I could not WAIT to tell everybody. I was anxious as a child and I was on the verge of peeing myself. However, after her "big gay reveal", it was only a little bit before she actually figured out it was me. I believe she greeted me with a middle finger. Which, to say the least, is what I probably deserved.

But...LEZ be honest...did she really think I wouldn't tell anybody? It's like the time my friend Felicia told us that her grandparents were related and she was practically an inbred. (truth)

...oops...

The humor of Church Signs

Every time that I pass a church in my local area, I always keep an eye out for the crazy, trying to be pun-tacular or funny in a Christian way, church sign. There are plenty of these funny signs all over the place, even one one road probably named Church Rd, will be multiple churches displaying their competitive signs with messages of the Lord. So let's take a look at some those wacky Church Signs.


This is a classic one. It sets the standards for all Church Signs.


Now, we're getting a little dirty but we're still keeping the faith.


Ok, this one is a little out there, but this message is correct. He is the father of that church.


The Church seems to be getting a little more graphic with their message. I guess the theme of threatening people has always been a Christian tradition.



Last but not least, all of the popular zombie culture is spilling over in the Church Sign Territory. My dream has finally come true!

So there we are ladies and gentleman, funny messages from the man upstairs or the sign guy downstairs waiting for the next week to change the Church Sign. Till next week this is Reverend Sean saying good day and goodnight to you all. May the next time you see a church with a block lettered sign out front, I hope you take a quick glance and read their message.

Sincerely yours,
Sean

Ryan's #5 Favorite Moment

This is completely true. COMPLETELY.


It was almost 7 or 8 years ago, (I can't really remember), when I went to Celia W's cast party. We just "wrapped up" one of the summer shows in Thompson Park. To me, it was never about the musicals or "sharpening my craft". It was just a place where I could have fun and touch a lot of breasts. I mean a LOT. It was a community theater that acted as a second home, if not a first one.

This theater always recycled the same adult actors for the parts and just put most of the teenagers in the background. Even sometimes the people who didn't get a call back showed up for rehearsals. We weren't athletes or popular, we weren't really anything promising at all. To an outsider, we were odd balls. But it never did matter much what others thought. We were too busy putting on makeup and dancing around in costumes.

At that point in my life, I had not drank alcohol. I thought it was dumb. I remember seeing my sister and brother drunk one time and I thought it was obnoxious. Plus it spooked me. However, it wad the summer before college and I figured I might as well give it a go.

That night, as Lesbian Celia tried to kiss Straight Kate, my friend Krystal and I retired to the bathroom to have a "secret vodka party". This party meant that we would sit on a toilet and do shots of vodka, make disgusting faces, and laugh. She and I were the only ones invited. Apparently it was too difficult for many to get the criteria down.

An hour later, we needed to pee and were forced to use the downstairs bathroom. I went first, and then waited for Krystal as I smoked one of Celia's grandmother's cigarettes in the kitchen. As i waited, I could hear a faint noise, a moan? Like someone in pain...

Krystal got out of the bathroom, and as we started to walk up the stairs, the sound became more clear. "Help me!" At the edge of the stairs, around the corner, was a room. the lights were turned off, but the tv was on. The blue light was cast onto a hospital bed, with white sheets and a guard rail. There was also a metal triangle hanging over the pillow - a pull bar. On the bed, was a legless man.

Celia's grandmother was in the corner, moving the bedsheets off the bed, and she looked to Krystal and I. "Would you help me move my husband?" I looked to the old man, dressed in his hospital gown. "Where the fuck ARE WE?!" I thought to myself. Now, remember, I had only drank ONCE before this, so I was....tripping balls.

So here we are, in a small, dark room, with a legless man in the middle of a hospital bed, and we're being asked to assist him. I was in my very own scene from "Misery".

"Okay..." I said, not really sure if I could.

"You're gonna have to get behind him, and pull him up". I was up for the challenge, but Krystal could only watch in hopes of not getting in the way. The old man grabbed the pull bar/metal triangle. His fists tightened, ready for action as I wrapped my arms under his arms and around his chest. The grandmother and Krystal watched.

"Ready? One, two, three".

I pulled, he pulled, and Krystal continued to watch. Moving him was easy. You can guess why. If you can't, I'lll remind you that half of him was missing. So he got to the top of his bed, and placed his back on his pillow. I was happy to help. He was happy to be back to his sitting position. And then I heard a scream.

Krystal covered her mouth, but her eyes were frozen. And I looked down to see what i will always refer to as "the horror". Not only did celia forget to mention that she had half of a mystery guest at her party, she also believed he didn't deserve underwear. Through the folds of the sheets, an elderly penis poked through, like a bottle nosed dolphin in the turbulent sea.

It took seconds to erupt into laughter, which quickly escalated into tears of joy. What gift we had been given. What a gift.

And,,,with that being said, I had experienced my favorite drunk moment on my second try, something not many people get to do. To try and beat that would be pointless, although it doesn't mean I've let up with boozing.I recall that moment less and less, but when I do, it's exactly the same. Fucking awesome.

School Daze

As I am writing this entry, I am sitting in my school’s library taking up valuable space on a computer that another student could be using to help with their education. In celebration of this remarkable event that I am withholding for my own benefit, and your eyes, I will type up a list of phrases. These phrases will hopefully catch the eye a few students looking for a computer, or sitting near me glancing over my shoulder, or passing by me for whatever reason will see and automatically give them the “WTF?” moment. This in turn will make me seem like I’m wasting time and that I’m psycho.

KEEP IT MOVING FOUR EYES!

YOU WOULD LOOK GREAT IN A STEW, WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER?

WISH YOU WERE HERE?

IF THERE’S TIME TO LEAN, THERE’S TO CLEAN.

YOU AREN’T GOING TO AMOUNT TO ANYTHING IN LIFE, JUST QUIT.

WILL YOU MIND YOUR OWN FUCKIN' BUSINESS.

CAN’T YOU SEE I’M BUSY DOING NOTHING WHILE YOU’RE TRYING TO WORK.

YOUR MOTHER SUCKS DICKS IN HELL!!!

So there we are, a few ramblings that hopefully a few people read and might remember when they are going to their next class wondering exactly why I’m typing this up on a Microsoft Word Document. Maybe, they’re on their way to notify the librarian at the front desk that I’m abusing my privileges on the school computers. Either way, I’M A PAYING STUDENT AND I DEMAND RESPECT.

-SEAN!

Lizzie's "Get to Know HDO"

Every other week, I ask the group one question in order to help you folks learn a little bit more about us as individuals. I ask deep, personal questions that strike hard at the depths of our souls, and reveal our most treasured secrets. Today's question:

If you were on a deserted island, what would you want to bring with you?

Keith: "I would want to bring one of my students. Because the youth of America is important...and because everyone will be more likely to go on a massive search to find him, rather than me."

Billy: "Well I would have to say that I'd hafta bring all my seasons of LOST. That way I could study it and be prepared for anything that may attack me on an island, like black smoke. Gotta love the power of DVDs...wait, there would be no DVD player on the island would there...shit."

Sean: "My good ole friend Captain Morgan. Because when I realize I will never leave the island, I'll finally want a little bit of Captain in me."

Ryan: "My subscription to Venus Magazine, and a tub of vaseline."

Me: "Gas-X....lots of it."

Billy vs. Movie Theaters The Squeakuel

That's right, I'm back again with a fresh tale of movie theater horror. I had been on a good streak for a while, and now that time has come to a drastic and dramatic halt. I went to my local theater on Sunday to check out COP OUT(eh) and our theater really didn't seem all that packed. Most Americans were watching the most exciting hockey gold medal game since Team USA faced off against Iceland at the Junior Goodwill Games. Oh memories...

Anyway, as we sat waiting for the movie to start, I began to notice more and more families coming in with little kids. Did they not get what kind of movie this was? This was a Hard R cop movie with lots of cursing and blood and shooting. Do they just think Tracy Morgan is a funny guy that can act as a babysitter? Or these people communists and just have no interest in doing something patriotic? What was their deal? I was filled with dread, knowing these obnoxious kids would likely ruin my film experience. And they didn't at all. I owe them all an apology. Who I don't owe an apology to? The old woman sitting right behind me.

You know how when you're a kid, and you....I'm sorry, you know how when you're any sane person with a brain, and you know that fart jokes are funny? And you giggle at them? And at any silly dirty joke? When you sit in your 20's, don't you assume that one day you won't laugh as much at them, even though you wished you really would? Well, on Sunday I made a joyous discovery. Older people STILL laugh at stupid dirty jokes. The woman behind us, who I saw afterwards was in her 50's, and pint size and Korean, laughed at any line said in the movie. Even the setup lines. Anything, she let out a long lingering laugh. It started as an annoyance but by the end I couldn't help but laugh at how insane she sounded. Especially when every laugh ended with her choking on her popcorn. If only...

I'm glad she enjoyed herself though. She seemed eccentric and lonely, so I'm glad Tracy Morgan and Bruce Willis could keep her entertained for a few hours. Now if only she would stop farting and start taking smaller bites.

Keith's Top Seven Of The Week "Sparkly Things" Adult ADD is serious buisness.

I suffer from Adult Attention Deficit Disorder and I wrote this list to help out those who suffer like me. Here are seven bedazzled items that you should keep out of your field of vision when you are operating heavy machinery, delicate surgery or juggling fine china.

7) Jeans

6) Shoes

5) Michael Jackson's glove

4) Ryan's lunch

3) The fearless leader
2) Billy's special time camera

1) vaginas

If you liked what you saw in number one check out this website and then send your pics to Lizzie.

http://www.theluxuryspot.com/2010/02/23/i-got-vajazzled-and-had-a-camera-crew/

Sean's Cake Disasters of the Fifth Kind

Everyone loves cake, have it, eat it too. Since any supermarket is always looking for cheap, replaceable help all the time, there can be some overlooked cake designs that are hitting the baker's racks. There could also be a cake master that is just trying to get away with far too much. Here are some poor designs of cakes that prove themselves as....poor designs.

Nothing hits the spot like shitting butterflies leaving their end trails.

This is Billy's cake: Blood and Shit with buttercream frosting.

Last but not least, pregnant Marge Simpson with a nub for a missing hand and a word of advice. Always use protection, or abstinence, so you never have the chance of receiving a cake like this due to your biggest mistake.

-Sean

Lizzie's Hardcore Moment of the Week: I'm Not Dead Yet

On Tuesday, I Columbian woman by the name of Noelia Serna was pronounced dead from a heart attack. She was sent to the funeral home for embalming, but just as she was about to be injected with embalming fluid into her seemingly non coursing veins, her right arm began to move!

This is yet another classic case of "not dead yet" syndrome. Taken from the book of Python, "not dead yet" is derived from the final words of a man who is nearly dead and about to be taken away. And though these new cases of "not dead yet" may not shout it from the rooftops, they sure as hell do get the point across with their energetic bodily twitches.

Take for instance another case. June Burchell of Sussex was pronounced dead three times, waking up twice in the morgue. Trust me, waking up in a morgue is in no way the same as coming to from a blackout after a night of binge drinking. That is, unless you blackout in a morgue.

Thankfully, advancements in research are being made to treat "not dead yet" syndrome. A scientist by the name of Miracle Max is working on a pill that he feels may cure people who he refers to as "mostly dead".

Let us hope this will be the end of freaking people out at funerals. Only time will tell...

Billy vs. Trends

I feel like I'm generally behind on the times when it comes to what's popular. I don't listen to much current music beyond a few bands I really enjoy, and I don't have much of a fashion sense. I have jeans, t-shirts, and button down shirts. That's essentially it, and I'm okay with that. What I think I am usually keeping in touch with is the internet, because I'm essentially on it for 8 hours every day at work, and I tend to live on my computer. I wish I was not so dependent on it, but that's just how it is. SO, when random fads and trends and recurring jokes pop up on the internet, I tend to see them in all stages. The discovery, the laughter, the joy, the excitement and fun of it. Then, I watch as it gets used too much, and gets put into too many different scenarios until eventually the only place you see it is when it's being used ironically, like, "Oh man, remember THAT? Boy we were losers." That's just the way of the internet, and I guess the way of the world.

The newest trend, that I thought was just insanely stupid is a series of groups that I see popping up on Facebook. Apparently now there needs to be a group for every possible human emotion, thought, action and occurance. It's insane. Some honest example I have seen:

"Hanging out at night."

"Flinching in bed because you had a dream you were falling."

"That S thing everyone drew in school."

"Drinking"

"Sleeping"

"Saying something and then realizing you meant to say something else"

"Fat girls wearing skinny girls clothes"

"Being outside"

"Being inside"

"Eating pizza with friends"

"Looking down at my phone"

If you need to connect with other people that have cell phones and like being outside and eating food, I think the problem is that you're still on Facebook. Go outside. LIVE.

But thanks for staying in to read this blog.

triCity News article

Hey Everyone,

HDO is featured in the current triCity News paper based out of Asbury Park, NJ. Here is the scanned equivalent of the article for your eyes on here. Below, is the typed out content of the article, so you don't have to squint so much to read it. Thank you to Steven at triCity and to our good friend Simon Yuen for his photography skills.


PICKS for the WEEK ahead
Tri>These

Every Wednesday night
Doors @ 8:30///Showtime 9pm//
in Long Branch

Humpdays are a lot more fun this winter, thanks to the Inkwell and Helicopter Dance Off (pictured above). The legendary coffeehouse in West End has been hosting the comedy troupe every week for awhile, and though we haven't caught the act yet we did catch up with Helicopter Dance member Sean Favre, who sent us the following:

"Helicopter Dance Off is a long-form improv and sketch comedy troupe based out of Long Branch. We have been performing as a troupe for over a year at various places in the area. We have done shows at Monmouth University, Brookdale, and having hosted a Film Festival in Asbury Park. We have also been trained in long form improvisation at the UCB Theatre in New York City. This March 2010 will mark our one year anniversary at the Inkwell.

"Our shows are entirely made up on the spot based off a suggestion from the audience. We like to mix up the types of games we do every week. In addition to performing long form improv during the show, which consists of a rapid amount of different but connected scenes in the span of a half hour, we also perform short form games much like the ones found on the show Whose Line Is It Anyway?. A fan favorite short form game is Party Quirks, where one troupe member leaves the room and then has to host a party trying to figure out his or her guests, which are given their quirks from audience suggestions.

"We perform a free show every Wednesday night at the Inkwell. Door open at 8:30pm and show starts at 9pm. You can find more info about us at www.helicopterdanceoff.com. You can check our daily updated blog on that address, where each troupe member writes his or her own humorous entry. There are also links to our Facebook, Funny or Die sketch comedy page, and Myspace."

Sean also told triCity that Helicopter Dance Off keeps the improv fresh by building monthly shows around a holiday. In December they did specialty shows that were themed around Hanukah, Christmas, and New Year's Eve. Of course, February means Valentine's Day, and March means St. Patrick's Day. "If we run out of major holidays in one month we may have to use the superlative holidays such as Arbor Day or Flag Day to fill that void, " he continues.

The troupe members include Sean Favre, Billy Coyle, Keith Laviola, Ryan Barry, Lizzie Spellman, and Jay Letchko. They like to create a friendly environment, suitable for anyone high school age up to young adults and beyond. Which should satisfy every triCity consituincy.

Again, performances of Helicopter Dance Off take place every Wednesday night at the Inkwell (665 2nd Avenue, Long Branch; 732-483-0444). Grab your table around 8:30; show start time is 9pm.