Ryan's #5 Favorite Moment

This is completely true. COMPLETELY.


It was almost 7 or 8 years ago, (I can't really remember), when I went to Celia W's cast party. We just "wrapped up" one of the summer shows in Thompson Park. To me, it was never about the musicals or "sharpening my craft". It was just a place where I could have fun and touch a lot of breasts. I mean a LOT. It was a community theater that acted as a second home, if not a first one.

This theater always recycled the same adult actors for the parts and just put most of the teenagers in the background. Even sometimes the people who didn't get a call back showed up for rehearsals. We weren't athletes or popular, we weren't really anything promising at all. To an outsider, we were odd balls. But it never did matter much what others thought. We were too busy putting on makeup and dancing around in costumes.

At that point in my life, I had not drank alcohol. I thought it was dumb. I remember seeing my sister and brother drunk one time and I thought it was obnoxious. Plus it spooked me. However, it wad the summer before college and I figured I might as well give it a go.

That night, as Lesbian Celia tried to kiss Straight Kate, my friend Krystal and I retired to the bathroom to have a "secret vodka party". This party meant that we would sit on a toilet and do shots of vodka, make disgusting faces, and laugh. She and I were the only ones invited. Apparently it was too difficult for many to get the criteria down.

An hour later, we needed to pee and were forced to use the downstairs bathroom. I went first, and then waited for Krystal as I smoked one of Celia's grandmother's cigarettes in the kitchen. As i waited, I could hear a faint noise, a moan? Like someone in pain...

Krystal got out of the bathroom, and as we started to walk up the stairs, the sound became more clear. "Help me!" At the edge of the stairs, around the corner, was a room. the lights were turned off, but the tv was on. The blue light was cast onto a hospital bed, with white sheets and a guard rail. There was also a metal triangle hanging over the pillow - a pull bar. On the bed, was a legless man.

Celia's grandmother was in the corner, moving the bedsheets off the bed, and she looked to Krystal and I. "Would you help me move my husband?" I looked to the old man, dressed in his hospital gown. "Where the fuck ARE WE?!" I thought to myself. Now, remember, I had only drank ONCE before this, so I was....tripping balls.

So here we are, in a small, dark room, with a legless man in the middle of a hospital bed, and we're being asked to assist him. I was in my very own scene from "Misery".

"Okay..." I said, not really sure if I could.

"You're gonna have to get behind him, and pull him up". I was up for the challenge, but Krystal could only watch in hopes of not getting in the way. The old man grabbed the pull bar/metal triangle. His fists tightened, ready for action as I wrapped my arms under his arms and around his chest. The grandmother and Krystal watched.

"Ready? One, two, three".

I pulled, he pulled, and Krystal continued to watch. Moving him was easy. You can guess why. If you can't, I'lll remind you that half of him was missing. So he got to the top of his bed, and placed his back on his pillow. I was happy to help. He was happy to be back to his sitting position. And then I heard a scream.

Krystal covered her mouth, but her eyes were frozen. And I looked down to see what i will always refer to as "the horror". Not only did celia forget to mention that she had half of a mystery guest at her party, she also believed he didn't deserve underwear. Through the folds of the sheets, an elderly penis poked through, like a bottle nosed dolphin in the turbulent sea.

It took seconds to erupt into laughter, which quickly escalated into tears of joy. What gift we had been given. What a gift.

And,,,with that being said, I had experienced my favorite drunk moment on my second try, something not many people get to do. To try and beat that would be pointless, although it doesn't mean I've let up with boozing.I recall that moment less and less, but when I do, it's exactly the same. Fucking awesome.