Keith's Top Seven Mothers "Mama Cass is not on this list"

“All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.” ~Oscar Wilde

This week I will be tackling the subject of motherhood and giving you my pick of the Top Seven Mother's ever excluding my own of course ( I have to write this, she is always looking over my shoulder) Mothers keep us safe and make us cookies. They tuck us into bed at night and they check under the bed for the boogie-man i.e. Sean Favre. Mom’s come to our shows at the local club and stick around just to tell us how much she really enjoys the fusion of Norwegian death metal and jazz piano. They pack out lunches and pay our bills. So here is my ode to the women who made us the freaks we are today.

7)Mother Theresa

A truly inspiring woman, she devoted her life to helping the sick and homeless. I just hope that the new Dan Brown novel where Tom Hanks debunks the myth of saint hood gives her a fair chance.

6)Ridley

Ridley became one of the most badass surrogate mothers of all time after she inherited a delightful child aboard an alien infested death ship. Let me give you a little advice, when a hysterical woman in a walking construction machine comes at you screaming “Get away from her you BITCH!!!!” you listen to her.

5)Mother by Danzig

::takes off his shirt, flexes his muscles and puts on a black wig::

Mother
Tell your children not to walk my way
Tell your children not to hear my words
What they mean
What they say
Mother

Mother
Can you keep them in the dark for life
Can you hide them from the waiting world
Oh mother

4)Norman Bates

Norman Bates has the distinct pleasure of housing his mother inside of his own psyche. If dressing up like your mother and talking to yourself is crazy then I take me away to the mental ward.

3) Mrs. Kunis

Dear Mrs. Kunis

Many thanks for birthing one of the hottest women on the planet.

Sincerely,

Keith’s Penis

2)Necessity

I would personally like to thank Necessity for being the mother of invention.

1) Angelina Jolie

In a bid to beat Bono out for being the worlds most globally conscious celebrity, Angelina Jolie has combined her love of babies with her love of third world countries. Angelina has already adopted half of the free world and she is coming for you.

Now quit reading this blog and get to the flower shop... you forgot to get your mother a gift.