Top Seven of the Week "People or Animals that have wronged Keith in the past"

I am taking a cue from Billy this week and grinding my gears with some people or animals that have gotten up in my gangsta grill.

7)Brett Ratnerr

Director Brett Ratner has made my list because of his piss poor job of directing the final X-Men movie. He bastardized that trilogy so much that he ruined the other two movies for me. When I have my talk with him I will make sure to bring my juggernaut with me…

6)The inventer of bacon

I don’t know who he is or where he came from but the inventor of bacon will have a long conversation with me for killing my good friend Billy.

5)Aaron Burr

Shot and killed Alexander Hamilton during a gentleman’s duel. After years of professional and personal misconduct the two men decided to take their feels to the court. They shot it out… literally with pistols. If basketball was around back then it would have saved the lives of a great American hero.

4)People who drive Ford F150s

Let me be more specific, people who drive any truck down the left lane of a major high going over the speed limit. Is it really necessary to drive over 75 miles an hour in a truck that large. You are being silly. We understand that you need to race home to watch Nascar or beat your dog but some of us want to drive down the road with out fear of being destroyed.

3)John and Kate

Made famous after Kate because the first human to give birth like a farm animal and sold her story to the highest bidder. John and Kate plus Eight has enthralled the country with its roller coaster of emotion. Fuck that. This just proves my theory that idiots should be allowed to have kids.

2)The group of executives that canceled Ecto Cooler

Ecto Cooler was the best drink ever. It was associated with the best movie franchise ever. A group of professionals decided to axe it in the last 90’s and they will taste my blade.

1)Sharks

Sharks are the apex of underwater predatory and they frighten the ever-living daylights out of me. The mere through of those torpedoes with teeth kept me off of beaches and out of pools for many torturous summers as a child. Yes that’s right I didn’t go in pools. So the next time you see a shark punch it right in the dick for me.

Lizzie Loves the Brits!

This just proves that America's Got Talent can't hold a candle to Britain's Got Talent...I mean just watch how entertained the judges are!

Sean's Sharing Thursday

Some news for your noggin's!

Ever think you would live to see the day to see pig's fly? How about cats? That day may be coming soon.

No, I'm not talking about the Obama joke where the day the USA will have a black president is when pigs fly...then in Obama's first 100 days of office we have swine flu. Think about it you thinkers.

In China (surprising huh?) there is said to be a cat that has grown wings! After the lil bitty kitty turned a year old the owners started to notice wing like appendages growing. There is speculation that there is a Siamese cat growing inside this cat. Also, there are thoughts that this cat's momma ingested chemicals during pregnancy.



Either way this cat is the talk of the town. Maybe for potential spiritual groups too. They feed off of this freak of nature stuff. Jesus Camp is all I have to say.

I hope this kitty cat figures out how to fly soon. That asian youth in the background of the picture will probably make a nice spicy chicken dish out of our winged feline freakshow. Again, think about it you thinkers.

I love you,
Sean

Dr. Miche's Midweek Musings...

Good evening to you all...



Let me tell you all about a dream I've had recently... join me, will you?



It starts with a phone call from Jay, announcing that the members of HDO have decided that our comedy and our lives in general would benefit from us all moving in together, and that I would have to bring myself and my belongings to Jackson immediately. While intrigued, I explain to Jay that I just recently moved last December, so it wasn't really feasible for me to pick up and leave again - besides, I couldn't leave my roommates in a lurch, could I?



For the record, I really did move last December. I'm also hoping to die in this house, because moving blows THAT badly...



In typical dream-time, about 15 minutes later I hear a car approach. In it are Jay, Billy and Sean. In a noble gesture, they just want me to come to see the new apartment to see if I really could not be persuaded to leave my hometown. Billy asks me to drive, and we get lost on the way. There are angry words as to why I can't navigate Jackson.



Unfortunately, I really have no sense of direction. Ask me one day about how it took me 6 hours to get to a funeral... that took place in Bergen County, NJ.



We arrive at the apartment, and I must admit, it was quite nice. Keith was already there, ready to give the grand tour. 3 floors. The boys decide I can take the entire lower floor for myself, which I'll admit, was chivalrous of them. It was at this point that I discover I would not be able to reach half of the lowest floor due to a doorway being occupied by what I can only describe as a basketball-sized spider with a grouchy disposition. I'm assured by Jay that he will lend me a hand in this situation using only a baseball bat. Keith opts to have an exterminator on standby. It's at this point that I say I worry about my less-than-basketball-sized cat with the current pest problems. It's at this point that Sean runs outside, saying he has a suprise for me... The suprise comes in the form of 4 kittens that he presents to me. I'm touched. He then explains that if I don't move in, Jay has threatened to toss the kittens deep into the woods. Sean continues to plead with me, animal lover he is, that one of the kittens is a little special - this would be the bright red one with awful wiry hair that Billy decided would be called "Thomas."



I should explain that about a week into meeting Jay, I decided to get a cat. I'm not a cat person, never was. My need for a furry pet to come home to combined with the 'no dogs allowed' clause at the apt I lived in at the time outweighed the fact that I don't generally like cats in the slightest. While driving to improv reharsal one evening, I excitedly tell Jay about my new kitten, to which he says, "ugh, I really hate cats." I say, "so do I." I still feel guilty about this from time to time.



I decide to stay for the day, and the inevitable battle with the impossibly large spider ensues. It ends well for all of us, and I go upstairs to find out that Jay has decided to install a doggie door on the main floor. Which means all of the cats ran away. I now have to go find them. In the woods.



I hate the goddamn woods... I've watched enough horror movies to know that bad things happen there.



During all of this, Keith and Billy decide to hunt the apt for other insects and arachnids that may have taken residence, while Sean tries to explain to Jay that setting me up to worry about our newly adopted kittens was not a good way to make me want to stay. He shrugs it off, saying, "she can make us pasta while she waits for them to come back."



By the way, this dream occurred mere weeks before Lizzie and Ryan joined our ranks... I'd like to think that if they'd been there, this is the point where a dance party would have started, forcing us to have a little fun and luring the kittens home. And a happy ending would ensue. However, this is where I actually woke up.



I can't say I know what the moral to this story is except that our collective logic seems to be a little, well... off. Why would Billy make me drive? Why was the spider not a reason to leave? When did Sean become so manipulative? Does Jay need someone to make him pasta that badly? Why didn't Keith fight the supernatural spider himself?



Only my brain knows for sure...



Hugs and friendly kisses,

michelle

.......... and my cat.

Billy Goes Back To His Roots

So, last night, I went back to my old high school for an awards ceremony.  I went because one of my old teachers was retiring, and they were honoring him, so I figured it’d be nice to say goodbye, and see how much things have changed in the seven years since I graduated.

Wait, 7 years.  Excuse me while I go weep.

Ok, so ANYWAY…, I go to ceremony, and sit in my old auditorium, and I see that this thing is mostly being run by the students.  I thought this was a bold move, and my fears were confirmed once the thing started.

I guess my main question was this:  “Did I always act like this in high school?”  These kids were loud and obnoxious, they were clamoring for attention, and seemed to be acting weird just for the sake of being weird.  Social skills seemed to be lacking, and maturity was at an all time low.  I know, I know, it’s just high school kids, what was I expecting?  I guess what REALLY threw me was that it made me look at those four years of my life in a whole new light.  Here I was, running around the halls, acting like I was king of the world and the funniest thing to hit the world since, well, Helicopter Dance Off(PLUUUUUGGGG), and now, as I watched these kids run around making stupid jokes and laugh hysterically at themselves and yell back and forth, I felt nothing but disdain.  There’s no way I was like this.  I refuse to believe it.  Really, I was just being naïve.  Of course I was like that.  I was probably worse.  Whoever said High School was the best time of your life was craaaazy.  As much as it has good parts, I’m going to be uber depressed if that’s life’s peak.

Two other things:

-         The size of kids is dropping.  Or again, I am just really out of touch, because everyone looked like they were 10 years old.  They were legit TINY.  People, we as a world, are shrinking, and it’s starting with the kids.  So, drink your milk

-         Dress code.  When I went to this ceremony as a student, it was a pretty fancy get together.  Nice pants, button down shirt, all that stuff.  It’s dwindled in importance over the years, and people just had one whatever last night.  Why do people think newsies hats are cool indoors?  Why do I still call them newsies hats?  Why do girls make it such a big deal when they dress like guys?  Dress how you want, but if you act like you dress like that because you don’t care how you look, but make a point to let everyone KNOW why you’re dressing like, it’s not impressive and it’s just dumb.

I hate high school more now then I did when I went there.  Go figure.

Top Seven of the Week "Helicopter Dance Off starts a Metal Band" (because we needed another creative outlet)

I am writing my blog this week on top of a mountain of skulls, sitting in my throne made of children's souls and ravens. This much needed change in scenery was to get the ideas flowing for the new band that Lizzie and I started this week. See, the two of us have a love for all music that sounds like Hell on a summer day. So We got together in my garage with our instruments,Lizzie on the pipe organ and I played the electric harp (with lots of distortion). We rocked out and wrote some songs but we were having lots of trouble coming up with a kick ass band name that the we BOTH agreed on. After fourteen hours of yelling, screaming, crying, drinking and some light moshing, we have opened the flood gates for the fans to cast their votes. Think of it like American Idol but Jay is Simon and Ryan is Paula. Before we get start with this weeks list I just wanted to give honorable mention to some of the other band names like "The Pope's Corpse", "Hell's Anus", "Cry me a river of blood", "The Beelzebub's" and "Fetus Sandwiches".

7) Lonesome Goat Baby

Goats have long been associated with the occult, Lizzie is an expert on the occult and I was abandon as a child so we thought we would go with something we could relate to.

6) Sagittarius Revenge

Everyone thought horoscopes were fake but they aren't... they have come back to ruin your life based on when you were born. Our first album would be called "Year of the Cock."

5) All Good Dogs Go to Hell

We mainly wanted to name the band this because once we got famous it would be a gigantic problem to all parents to explain to their children why good dogs would go to hell. Your childhood has just been taken advantage of for our own deviant necessities.

4)The Ford Minotaurs

Mythical beasts and modern auto design were the two points of inspiration on this band name. The tag line would be "Our music is brutal and it comfortably seats a family of five."

3)Syringe full of oxygen

Every song would start with the sound of an embolism popping in someone's brain.

2) Mantera

Ryan came up with this one. He combined his two favorite things in the world Men and Pantera. Lizzie thought it was too gay.

1) Birds of Pray

This last one was thought up while we were toying around with the idea of become a Christian Death Metal Band. Nothing is more metal then Jesus, nothing.

There are all of the options. You can text HDO*324 now with your voter submission and we will announce the winner at our first concert. Until then keep on rocking and remember you will become a better guitarist if you sacrifice a goat on your amp.

Lizzie Loves Geography!

Oh hey there!

So while surfing the web, I love to stumble upon great t-shirt sites with really interesting jokes on them. I recently discovered this one site with t-shirts of all 50 states and the weirdest town name from each of them! I will now give you a listing of all these great towns that one would be proud to call home:

-Boring, Maryland (whole state in a nutshell)
-Assawoman, Delaware
-Covert, New York
-Crackertown, Florida (all you hear down there are dueling banjos)
-Crash-Up Mountain, Arizona
-Erect, North Carolina
-Fort Gay, West Virginia (where they're all hiding)
-Furry, Mississippi
-Glasscock, Louisiana
-Hateful Hill, Vermont
-Hoop and Holler, Texas
-Hopeulikit, Georgia (sorry, I don't!)
-Massacre Lake, Nevada
-Lesbia, New Mexico
-Mianus, Connecticut (It's very cozy in Mianus)
-Nimrod, Arkansas
-Nipple, Utah
-Nowhere, Oklahoma (They're all literally from "the middle of nowhere")
-Onancock, Virginia
-Oral, South Dakota
-Pee Pee, Ohio
-Poop Creek, Oregon
-Poopoo, Hawaii
-Prison Farm, Montana (sounds like a scary movie)
-Roach, Nebraska
-Satan's Kingdom, Rhode Island (where Keith was born)
-Slicklizard Alabama
-Slickpoo, Idaho
-Spread Eagle, Wisconsin (known for more than just cheese)
-Spunk Creek, Minnesota
-Stoner, Colorado ( I wonder what they do there for fun...)
-Studley, Kansas
-Dickey, Maine
-Sugartit, Kentucky
-Unalaska, Alaska (Their Igloos were not up to standards)
-Vader, Washington
-Weed, California (duh!)
-Hell Hole Swamp, South Carolina
-Chugwater, Wyoming
-Zap, North Dakota
-Soddy Daisy, Tennessee
-Cooter, Missouri
-Hell Hollow, New Hampshire
-Blue Ball, Pennsylvania (the girls there are such teases)
-Cheesequake, New Jersey
-Corpse Pond, Michigan (hmm...there seems to be a large number of drownings in this pond...)
-Fertile, Iowa
-Floyd's Knob, Indiana
-Disco, Illinois (knows how to party!)
-Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg Lake, Massachusetts
(say that three times fast!)

Well I'm sure now you're all just dying to move! I don't know about you, but I am so moving to Sugartit!

-Lizzie

Sean's Top Five Albums

Here is my list of the Top Five Albums I like. Maybe download 'em or persuade your friends to do that for you.


1. Jeff Buckley- Grace

2. American Football- self-titled


3. Bon Iver- For Emma, Forever Ago


4. American Nightmare- Background Music
- you can find that album under the band name of Give Up The Ghost now.

5.Tom Waits- Frank's Wild Years

I hope you enjoy them! I always have more to add to this list, so this is a start.

-Sean

Ryan and the p90x

I just purchased the P90X workout tapes and they're supposed to be extreme. I'm already on day 2 and it's...awful. Just the worst mistake I've ever made. I don't seen increase in muscle mass, but I do feel the disappointment within me.

Today, while performing PLYOMETRICS - aka bouncing around my room like a fool - I just about reached my limit 37 minutes into the video. I was performing lateral leapfrogs, military marches, 180 twists, and it was right about then I...

...I'm so ashamed....


I puked. I fucking puked my brains out. Ya know when you go for a really intense run and then when you come to a stop, you feel like puking? Well that was me today. Only i REALLY puked. Into a garbage bag nonetheless. It leaked out of the bottom and it was just disgusting. I was throwing up all the water I used to cool myself off and...I fucking hate you Tony Horton. Even this Jesse McCartney song I downloaded didn't help. But I got back on the horse and...kinda bullshitted my way through the last ten minutes. Tomorrow? BICEPS AND TRICEPS!!!! Ow ow!

If you care to join, bring your own weights and meet me in my room at 10:15 am.

- Ry Guy

Billy's Late, and he hopes you forgive him

I have been LACKING in the blogging on time, and I hope you can all find it in your heart to forgive me. It's been a busy time, but I vow to stay on track from here on in.

Summer's coming, and everyone seems to be really excited, and I want to be too. Really, I do. There's a lot to love about the summer months. The beer is great, the movies are ridiculous, and the nights last longer. It's normally a very fun time. There's just one problem.

The heat.

Seriously.

Who the hell enjoys the heat?

I'm a guy that sweats, ALWAYS. I wake up, I sweat. I eat a sandwich, I sweat. I sleep, I sweat. I type a blog, I sweat.(No lie) And that's regardless of the weather outside. It's just how I am. So, when suddenly the air is so thick it suffocates you and the sun beams down like a laser piercing your skin, I don't understand why people don't stay inside with central air all the time. It just doesn't compute with me. People need to stay indoors and avoid the heat this summer. That's my advice. Maybe I'm just bitter because I'm irish and I can't tan, but I think it's mostly because I'm lazy.

Also, there's the whole dress code thing. For some reason at lots of bars it seems as though they frown on people wearing shorts, and it's just not a good look. So here I am in the middle of summer, wearing jeans, and a nice shirt, trying to have fun, and it looks like I jumped in a pool before I walked in the bar. It's just not an appealing look. People just can't take a hiatus from being social for the summer months, maybe get lucky with some rainy days? I really don't think that's too much to ask.

And the BEACH, forget about it. Maybe my least favorite place in the world. It's hot, you get sand everywhere, there's annoying kids running around, I turn into a lobster, the umbrella always blows away in the wind, and the water is always too cold. Just a miserable experience.

Despite all that, there's a new Transformers movie coming out next, so I'm pretty pumped for summer. But I do not understand how people survived without AC back in the STONE AGES.

And that is what grinds my gears this week.

Top Seven of the Week "Words that tickle me pink (etymology bitches!)"

Words, we know them, we love them and we can't live without them. Sometimes I hear words that make me giggle like the tiny schoolboy who finally caught that damn chipmunk who has been taunting me… them from the window for the past three years. This week I decided to compile a list of words that are hilarious to me, we can all have a good laugh and then you can make your own list and post it. I like comedy that is circular.

7)Zygote

This microscopic cell is the production of when an egg and a sperm meet in the fallopian tubes and fuse together. While the word itself used in context is not very amusing but out of context it can be quite hilarious. For example,

“Girl, you best not be zygote’in on me!” said Keith to his last three girlfriends before dumping them and avoiding the child support.

Or my other favorite is,

“A zygote is not a living being and I can abort it anytime I want because I don’t want the government to control my uterus,” said the bra-burning feminist.

6)Potato

Single handedly the cause of and solution to all of Irelands problems. This underground tuber is a versatile food that can be prepared in a myriad of different ways. It is also very fun to say potato in your best Irish accent.

5)Bosom

Bosom is a euphemism for breasticles or in more scientific terms fun bags. Men and lesbians, the next time you are out on a date with your girl or wife lean over and tell her how much you enjoy her bosom in the dress or blouse and I personally guarantee that she will think you are as classy as Humphrey Bogart.

4) Hornswoggle

Have you ever been hornswoggled! I have and trust me when I say it is NOT fun unless of course someone points out the fact that you have been hornswoggled and they use the exact words “O man, You just got hornswoggled.” Then everyone has a good laugh and forgets about the fact that a traveling sales man just stole your blue ribbon hog and gave your daughter shingles.

3)Slurry

Webster’s Dictionary defines slurry as a thin mixture of a liquid, especially water, and any of several finely divided substances, such as cement, plaster of Paris or clay particles. I am not the only person who loves a good slurry because the famous celebrity Tom Cruise decided to name his daughter after this word. Slurry Cruise.

2)Uvula

A uvula is the dangling piece of flesh in the back of your throat. It helps you make guttural sounds in languages like German and some African languages. The uvula is that thing you see in all the cartoons when someone screams or in all the porn movies when a black guy dismounts the face of a woman with daddy issues.

1) Sacapuntas

The finally word on my list is a Spanish word. Donkey Show? No. Aztec death game where the participants have their heads removed for the game ball? No. A shot of tequila that you drink through your eyes ? NO. It’s the Spanish word for pencil sharpener.

Now that you have these wonderful words to add to your lexicon, my challenge to you is to use them all together at once in one big ass sentence that makes sense.

Lizzie's Hostessing Hooplah

Hello my doves!

So it may come as a surprise to some of y'all, but while I'm not doin my thang with the HDO crew I like to moonlight as a hostess in Asbury Park! Yes yes, I am just an average working Jane like the rest of the world. Don't get me wrong, I really do like my job...but sometimes it can get a little boring. That's where my little imagination comes into play and helps me find ways of getting through the slow moments at work. Here are just a few ways you can entertain yourself in the restaurant biz:

Doodle:
Typically at hostess stands there are things you can write on with those cool pencils that wipe away. So when I have some down time, I like to write little notes, make patterns, or just draw. I tend to draw mainly hearts and stars...fuck horshoes.

Tell Jokes:
Today was knock knock joke day. Knock knock...who's there?...interrupting cow...interruptin-...MOO!!!

Prank the Servers:
Servers wear aprons...put shit in them!!! Leave love notes, ice cubes, monopoly money, etc. My goal is to put a buzzer in an apron and then page it so that it freaks out right by their crotch!!!

Teach the Staff New Words:
One hostess taught a Spanish speaking busser the word "twat". He really likes that word now.

The Elevator:
This requires an audience. Stand behind the hostess desk and then press an imaginary button and slowly sink down...classic Austin Powers style.

Well I hope that gives you guys some help in finding ways of getting through your 9 to 5's.

Until next time!
-Lizzie

Sean's Photo Thursday

I'm a visual person so I enjoy pictures. You should too.

-Sean

Dr. Miche's Midweek Musings...

Dear HDO faithful...

I come to you all just a little sleep-deprived.... it's been a busy week. I did a little math and realized that in the last week, I've spent an average of 7 hours a day in my house, and that includes sleeping. So I've decided to share with you some of the interesting moments from the week thus far, since I have no real pearls of wisdom to share...

5. TRIVIA

My new boss, who isn't fully aware of all of my quirks just yet, wondered aloud when I walked in the door this week, "Who was that dude that was in American Psycho? You know, the guy who's been Batman?"

Don't you just love it when someone asks a question you can answer?

4. OUCH

At work, I was running around the tiny workspace we share, and trying to slide past people around me. Trying to shimmy behind my co-worker, Gary (of supervolcano fame), I decide not to pay attention to the hand gesture he's about to make. He's six and a half feet tall, I'm about 5'8". He throws an elbow backwards, and in the effort to not take said elbow to the face, I shrug up my shoulder to block. Instead, I take an elbow to the shoulder/chest area. It was like working with Keith for the day.

3. POLE DANCING

Went to Philadelphia for a bachelorette party for one of my college friends this weekend. On the agenda was a pole-dancing lesson for us girls given by an actual professional who happily didn't seem to be suffering from hepatitis. No real joke here. Just imagine me attempting to act sassy on a pole.

2. OUCH PART DEUX

There is a doctor who works at the hospital now for the past 4 years that I affectionately call HotDoctor. (For the record, this is not a Grey's Anatomy rip-off... I stole it from Scrubs when the janitor used to call Dr. Reid BlondeDoctor.) I turn into an absolute idiot around him, and have once actually walked face-first into a wall while trying to look nonchalant around him, but this was years ago. Anyhow, having not seen him for a few months, I was walking down to the cafeteria sort of spaced out, only wanting a cup of coffee when BLAM! HotDoctor basically hip checked me, and I got incredibly close to falling down - think Shaone Morrisonn vs. Ryan Callahan if you're a hockey fan - and so was born another awkward moment in my history. And it hurt. Alot.

1. ELEVATOR BLAST

I had to cover two different positions this week and wound up working up on one of the floors. When you work there, you carry around this little cellphone that only works in certain areas of the hospital so that nurses can annoy you even when you've gotten up and walked around a bit because so many nurses have already annoyed you. When you wind up in an area in the hospital without service, the phone will scare the crap out of you by beeping. I wound up in an elevator with a medical student, and my phone starts to beep - which by the way, sounds an awful lot like what a bomb sounds like when it counts down on an episode of MacGyver - and the medical student turns around with a look on his face that I can only interpret as fear that I might be a terrorist. I pull out the phone, and a look of relief washes over his face. He relaxes.

Then farts loudly.

Yep, I scared a fart of this guy. I beeped, he exploded.

Do you have any idea how hard it is not to laugh at that? I do.


Moral of this story - never underestimate a seemingly ordinary day...

Sweet dreams,
Michelle

Billy's Blast From The Past

You ever bump into someone you knew when you were younger, and your lives have gone in totally different directions from the last time you saw them? Back then, maybe they were in a position of power, and had the world in front of them and seemed primed for great things; and maybe you were a kid just starting out, just trying to figure out what you wanted? Back in the day, you figured the cycle of life would lead both people involved to bigger and better things, if you're lucky enough. I always imagined it. That being said, when you bump into someone and they have just completely fallen off the radar of productive and fulfilling life, that's when you're left a little speechless, and if you're a dick, it gives you funny material for a blog.

Guess which side I landed on?

Ok, so back in high school, I needed a job, because I needed money to pay for buying food and seeing movies with my friends. That's a cycle that has yet to stop. However, when you're 15, your options are limited, because your skills are limited, as is your transportation. So when I walked past a local pizzeria that enticed future employees with a sign that said: "Great Pay and all the pizza you can eat.", my eyes lit up. At that point in my life, it was my golden ticket. Back then(and hell, even now) that would have been my answer to: "What do you want to get out of life?", and now it's being offered to me? Insane. So, I applied and got a job at this pizza place, and thus began a decade of awful eating habits. Bastards. That's a different story. This story is about my boss, who shall remain nameless. He was a younger guy, maybe early 30's, and he was the manager. He was the man in charge(when the owner wasn't there) and he seemed to love his job. However, after a while, you could tell that his heart wasn't in it, and he figured he was destined for greater things, so he quit and started a career in real estate, as that had been a dream of his as well. He went on to try and make something of himself. Good for him.

Years went by, I left that job, went to college, worked at a supermarket, kept going to college, finished college, worked a crappier job, quit that job, and now I'm a temp, living another kind of dream, known as a nightmare. However, I'm certainly better off then I was 10 years ago. I make pretty decent money, I still have my creative outlets, and I'm putting money away. It's really all I can ask for, and every so often my mind drifts to my first job and my manager, and I wondered if he had ever made it.

Cut to a month ago.

My friends and I are in a different pizza place. It's right near my first job, and it's packed with young guys behind the counter. The action of the place and the sounds and smells take me back, but then, something else did. From out of a door walked, my old boss. Wearing what I must assume are his "working at a pizza place" clothes, and holding the bag you keep pizzas in when you've made a delivery. I figure my eyes were playing tricks on me, so I dumped my soda into my sockets. MISTAKE! After the burning subsided, I looked again, and I wasn't wrong. It was him. My old manager, the one who left for greener pastures, had made his return at a different pizza place, at a lesser position. I was stunned. I was speechless. I couldn't stop laughing, mostly because I'm a prick. And when he went to take a delivery, slipped and dropped a pizza face down on the ground(and then followed that with a look ripped out of the "Fuck My Life" website), I had to leave the place, because I figured he would hear me crying tears of laughter(and a little sadness) and he would recognize me. Made this 'ol temp feel pretty good about himself, but hoping my old boss found his way once more.

Anyway, uhh, the moral of this story? Don't get into real estate.

Ryan and the Hero Within?

So, as I stood behind the register today at work, I wondered what it would be like if I could just jump into the air and fly out of the store. Or better yet, if I could just crash through the wall with super human strength and not be harmed. But then I wondered what it would be like if everyone had powers - who would be good, who would be gooder, and who would be bad? I figured that if I were given a super human ability...well...I wouldn't. The powers that be figure I'd just be...retarded. Hence this segment I call "WHY I'M NOT A SUPER HERO"


If I could teleport...
It would be to one place and one place only. The bar. I would be in no condition to operate heavy machinery, let alone rescue children from a burning building.

If I could move things with my mind...
Every since I was younger, I've always had a knack for attempting to unhook womens bras. This ability would help nobody except myself. The expressions on those mother's faces as they mozied down the dairy aisle, god what a hoot!

If I were invisible...
Well, we all know how that worked out for Kevin Bacon in that invisible man movie. Not the part where he died. Ya know...that part...with...that woman....

.....just kidding?

No but seriously, I'd rape Glenn Close.


If I could turn my skin into metal...
Three words - metal porn dick.

If I could control the weather...
Blizzard in the morning, gorgeous in the evening, pizza at supper time! It would be a disaster. A NATURAL DISASTER, HEY-O! Plus, with all that weather changin' - people would be getting sick all over the place. not me though. THANKS Jason Air-Bourne.

If I could multiply myself...
Hey, Connor Evans! Remember when you made fun of me in high school? Well guess what. I'm coming for you! ALL 50 OF ME! (scratch that - make it 51. I need someone to film it)

If I were bald and handicapped...
Then I'd be Billy in 10 years.

That's all for now folks! Enjoy the rest of your week!

Keith's Top Seven Mothers "Mama Cass is not on this list"

“All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.” ~Oscar Wilde

This week I will be tackling the subject of motherhood and giving you my pick of the Top Seven Mother's ever excluding my own of course ( I have to write this, she is always looking over my shoulder) Mothers keep us safe and make us cookies. They tuck us into bed at night and they check under the bed for the boogie-man i.e. Sean Favre. Mom’s come to our shows at the local club and stick around just to tell us how much she really enjoys the fusion of Norwegian death metal and jazz piano. They pack out lunches and pay our bills. So here is my ode to the women who made us the freaks we are today.

7)Mother Theresa

A truly inspiring woman, she devoted her life to helping the sick and homeless. I just hope that the new Dan Brown novel where Tom Hanks debunks the myth of saint hood gives her a fair chance.

6)Ridley

Ridley became one of the most badass surrogate mothers of all time after she inherited a delightful child aboard an alien infested death ship. Let me give you a little advice, when a hysterical woman in a walking construction machine comes at you screaming “Get away from her you BITCH!!!!” you listen to her.

5)Mother by Danzig

::takes off his shirt, flexes his muscles and puts on a black wig::

Mother
Tell your children not to walk my way
Tell your children not to hear my words
What they mean
What they say
Mother

Mother
Can you keep them in the dark for life
Can you hide them from the waiting world
Oh mother

4)Norman Bates

Norman Bates has the distinct pleasure of housing his mother inside of his own psyche. If dressing up like your mother and talking to yourself is crazy then I take me away to the mental ward.

3) Mrs. Kunis

Dear Mrs. Kunis

Many thanks for birthing one of the hottest women on the planet.

Sincerely,

Keith’s Penis

2)Necessity

I would personally like to thank Necessity for being the mother of invention.

1) Angelina Jolie

In a bid to beat Bono out for being the worlds most globally conscious celebrity, Angelina Jolie has combined her love of babies with her love of third world countries. Angelina has already adopted half of the free world and she is coming for you.

Now quit reading this blog and get to the flower shop... you forgot to get your mother a gift.

Lizzie's Bklyn Bonanza

Hello love muffins!
Soooo, I also had quite the Friday night in the city. I went to Bklyn to visit my friend Sarah for her 21st bday. She lives in a Loftstel (aka super hipster hostel) and when I first got there I was greeted by her bf. The funny thing is that he had no idea who I was (we took astronomy together in high school and he would make me feel lame cause I did my homework). But whatevs no biggy. Anyways...when I see Sarah she greets me in a hot pink 80's prom dress and proceeds to tell me that we are going to this trendy place in the west village. I was a little worried that I wouldn't be super cool enough, but totally lucked out by bringing my members only jacket (complete with HDO pins on it) and white leather skirt with me. Who knew that dressing like a Poison video would make you cool! But the coolest part was that Sarah had to make a VIP list and I was the first one on it! I had a total Night at the Roxbury moment when I saw that.

Anyhoo...we all cram into these vans that we called to take us to the bar. Being slightly tipsy at this point I didn't fully comprihend that all the vans were racing!!! Meanwhile, I'm in the back flopping around without a seatbelt. Ahhh the safety of NYC transportation. When we get to the bar, it's this teeny tiny dark little club. The weirdest thing about it was that it had glass cases all around with jars of human organs and goldfish in them! Nothing sets the mood for partying like Frankenstein's laboratory. Before I know it, the whole group of us is out of that bar and heading to the next one (don't ask me where...by this point I was in no condition to read street signs). That bar was a total blur, but what I do remember is coming outside only to be met by a sunami! Eventually a few of us found a cab and got back to Bklyn. By this time, it was 5:30 in the morning and the sun was coming up. I knew I had to be back in NJ by the afternoon so I decided there was no point in sleeping so I should just take the subway back to the train station. I'm still baffled that I'm still alive and have all my belongings cause I can't even count how many places I fell asleep (subway station, L train, G train, A train, Penn Station, etc). I was the epitomy of drunk girl you laugh at who's sleeping on the floor next to the ticket counter.

Thankfully I'm alive and finally got some sleep. All I can say is word of advice: never go clubbing in a leather skirt!!

Jay's Overly Fun Friday

Sup Dickbags,

It's Jay commng at you live form thr intranet. Yes, Ive a few to many inside me and i neek to speak to you all aout it. I see my erros in this message but to prove my point, i will not press the backspae.

I wnat out tonight with my high school frisnds. What a get time it was. We went to the village'ish wrea . The place we wound up was fiddlsticks. It sucked.

Next we went to look for another place to go. I left the bar saying quote "where the sluts at" only to find some slut hearing me say that . She replied with "not by you douche bag". The girl was with some dude who im sure was going to obliterate her moments in the future. Prematiral sex...what a slut. and wouldnt you know it...she was by me.

Then we were wondering the streets anc came arcoss a cookie store called insomnia cookie. Possibly the best 2 dollars i ever spent. I got the chocolate chuck and an m&m. Hosy sick dick! it was amazing.

After the sleep apnea cookie place, we proceeded to look for a bar. We heard music from wat appeared to be a hole in the ground. me and my friend wantered down the whole only to discover it was a secret club. unfortunatly our friends werent brave enough to walk down the stari case so they couldnt get in.

After that i pissed in a subway station and blogged. Fun? Yup!

Suck me,

Jay

Dr. Miche's Midweek Musings...

salutations, all!

so, since "wolverine" came out, I've had a lot of time to think about superheroes and superhero films... listen, I'm never read comic books, and I'm not wise in the ways of the DC or Marvel derived lore, but I know a good movie when I see it. unfortunately, I haven't gotten to see "wolverine", so while i wait for the chunk of free time it takes to see a movie these days, I got to wondering about the age-old question of what superhero powers I'd most like to have... ponder with me, won't you?

FLYING - Just like Superman, Storm, and I'm fairly sure some of the Fantastic Four
NO FREAKING WAY. I'm just too damn terrified of heights. I don't care how convenient it would make getting from here to there without the fear of traffic (except for Canadian goose season, of course), but there's no getting over the fact that I would cry every time I prepared for takeoff. I don't think that would make a very good statement to potential criminals.

SUPER STRENGTH - Just like about 90% of your superhero roster
Oh hell yes. Think of how much you could get done in a day. Fix things around the house, find a new creative way to parallel park, rearrange furniture at will...

TELEKINESIS - Just like Professor X
Basically the same as super strength, but without the bonus of looking cool doing it.

CLAWS - Just like Wolverine
After much thought, I don't think so. More trouble than it's worth. As a single gal, it would make me really handy for opening cans and slicing through... well... anything really (think thanksgiving). But the truth is, I'm a really clumsy person, and I just got contacts. Bad things are imminent.

HEALING - Just like Wolverine
Would definitely need this if I had the claws... see "claws"

INVISIBILITY - Just like... someone. I'm sure of it, dammit
Cutting in lines, getting into concerts early - sweet. Great for avoiding people you run into that you don't really want to talk to. However, there's a lot of moral responsibility in this one - there's a lot of ways you can get into a lot of trouble here - especially with that crush you secretly want to slam.

COMMUNICATION WITH SEA CREATURES - Just like Aquaman
Ugh. Come on. Lame. I watch enough Discovery Channel already. Don't want to be burdened with making small talk at the aquarium.

CONTROLLING WEATHER - Just like Storm
I'm not going to loie - I'd love to smite someone with just a little wind or a bolt of lightning. having the option to stop a drizzle during a romantic picnic, when I want to have a good hair day, or when I'm wearing a white t-shirt is pretty inviting.

X-RAY VISION - Just like Superman
Another gray area of moral responsibility. the chance to see the hot guy at work in the buff has to be weighed against the chance you'll see the not-so-hot guy at work in the buff. On the plus side, I do work in a hospital, but x-rays have limited utility. Throw in CT scan vision or MRI vision and we'll talk...

"BAD ASSINESS" - Just like Batman
Let's be honest - intimidation is key while thwarting crime. I know what you're thinking - this isn't a "power" per se', but how great would it be? Millions of dollars, unlimited resources, a sweet freaking ride, and the power to waltz into a room knowing you're FREAKING BATMAN??!?

Humbly yours,
(until my powers kick in and you all bow down to me)

michelle

Sean's Thursday Birthday Wishes if I were a Victorian Queen in the 16th Century.

Here is my Birthday Wishes if I were a Victorian Queen in the 16th Century.

1. A Divorce
2. Vanity made of Glass & Mirrors, with Gold Leafing for accents.
3. New Laces for my Girdle.
4. More Wine.
5. Another Husband, who is isn't a stuck up King...maybe a Prince would be more charming.
6. 3 Court Jesters.
7. To become Head Executioner on the First Saturday of each month.
8. Electricity.
9. Silks from China, delivered to me by a Peasant.
10. The Murder of all Peasants after I get my Silks delivered.
11. Have a form of Torture named after Me.
12. Vaccinations.
13. Flashy Jewelry.
14. An Affair.
15. Plumbing, maybe indoors?

Not too much to ask right?

Yours Truly,
Queen Sean Favreau of Portmuthly

Billy's List of Movie Theater Targets Part 2

What up, blog readers? As we enter the summer movie season, I find it important to warn you of the perils of your local theater. Therefore, I'm back with another edition of Movie Theater Targets. Strap in, and prepare to dread going to your local cinemas.

So, you've got your ticket. You're allllll set to to see "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past." Dah, I mean, "Star Trek." You get your popcorn, you get your soda, you sit back and relax and you're ready to enjoy some slam bang summer actions. Then it starts. It starts simply. Someone's giggling. There's light chatter. You don't panic though. The movie hasn't started. Everyone talks a bit before hand. Even YOU. Then, the commercials end and we get to the trailers. And you can't help but notice that the talking hasn't stopped, and the giggling is getting louder. "Well THAT'S weird. Don't they realize that the trailers have started?" you think, innocently. It'd be one thing if what they were saying was funny or entertaining at all, but has it ever been? They make stupid jokes about the trailers, they make stupid jokes with their friends, and the conversations exist as if they're at a park somewhere, instead of a dark movie theater. It doesn't slow down. They just keep talking. The blood starts to boil. How RUDE are these people? The trailers end, and the people(usually teens) are still laughing. Making stupid comments about their stupid lives, thinking they're stand up comics working a set.

After the trailers comes that ad where it's rising noise of phones and babies that gets louder and louder and ends with the order of: PLEASE BE QUIET. But THEN, what the teens do, is get all IRONIC and get loud and the request of being quiet. It's FUNNY. Seriously. Think about it. Maybe a few impatient people start to: "SHHH!" them, and it quiets them for a second, but then it picks up again. The movie starts. The chatter and giggling continues. Why did they even come to a movie if they were just going to talk the whole time? Are they oblivious? Do they seek attention from everyone? Probably both. Every so often, someone makes the move to go and tell someone outside that there are a bunch of chatterboxes inside, but that's the trick. When the usher eventually comes in, that's when the teens get quiet, because they don't wanna get kicked out. Then, the usher walks out, thinking "What were they talking about? It's quiet? Those people be CRAZY!"

And so on and so forth. I'm gonna cut this one off before I start to get annoyed. Bottom line, next time you're in a theater, and you hear people talking, dump your popcorn on them. Kick them. Physically abuse them. It'll all be worth it. Tell 'em I sent you.

Ryan's Big Boy Challenge

Okay, the X-Men cartoon is now on DVD and I have little time for you. However, while I sit back, relax with a a glass of chilled fruit punch...er...beer?...I have a few tasks I need all of you to do. Since I'm getting into Survivor (12 seasons later), I have devised several challenges to separate the boys from the men. And the manly girls from the sheep. These challenges will prove to me - AND THE WORLD - just how far you'll go to be my new bff!

CHALLENGE 1:
Eat nothing but canned corn for the week and shit out the biggest cob you can.

CHALLENGE 2:
Purchase a bottle of lube from Walgreen's as well as a happy birthday bag fit for a 3 year old.

CHALLENGE 3:
Purchase the Axe body wash entitled "SHOCK", hop in the shower, and rub generously on your cock and balls. In a matter of seconds, it will feel like....burning. Just awful, awful burning. (I am NOT lying about this. also, if you're a girl...just rub some on your titties and get back to me)

CHALLENGE 4:
At your next Survivor party, sneak into the kitchen, smear peanut butter onto a wad of toilet paper and toss it on the bathroom floor. Then take a guess who will spot it first.

CHALLENGE 5:
The next time you see your neighbor doing yard work, play "The Bad Touch" by the Bloodhound Gang on repeat as loud as you can.

CHALLENGE 6:
Masturbate to your parent's wedding photo.

CHALLENGE 7:
Tell your parents you masturbated to their wedding photo. Then, to apologize, present them with the corn-cob-poop you created.

CHALLENGE 8:
On mother's day, ask when you were conceived and under what circumstances.

So you run along and carry those tasks out. When you do, only then will you be worthy to join me in my bed to cuddle up and watch x-men. I'll have some fruit punch waiting for you ;) no pun intended.

Keith’s Bi-Monthly Coolest Guy/Woman (but most guys) in Town Award.

This week I have sidelined the TOP SEVEN for a new segment I like to call “The Coolest Guy or Gal in Town Award.” Twice a month I will investigate the news to find a group of note worthy individuals; from there a panel of judges (myself and my dog Fuzzy) will pick the winner and shower them with praise. Along with praise they will also receive a placard with their name and date they received the award engraved on it, a gift card to the Long Branch Lighthouse and 3 back rubs from any girl (read: Sean) in the troupe. All of the wonderful prizes aside I really felt it was necessary to give the general public a reason to strive for greatness in these trying times. Think of it as Keith’s Employee of the Month on a Global Scale. Now that you have the basic format down, on to the award! He has served this government in thirty years of public service… His middle name is Ellis… In 1980 He held the 9^th Congressional District seat in Congress… That’s right! You guessed it! Senator Charles E. Schumer! Senator Schumer is receiving the award this evening for his recent work against the Pancake Conglomerate “IHOP”. After solving all of New York States problems, Senator Schumer knew that his trophy case wouldn’t be complete with out one final victory. He would push for the 40+ IHOP locations through out New York State to exclusively carry New York produced maple syrup. Schumer addressed the idea of serving New York maple syrup at IHOP locations in a letter to company CEO Julia Stewart. "The people of Vermont know that nothing is better than the taste of pure maple syrup, and that is why they demanded the real thing at their restaurants," Schumer wrote. "I believe that a similar demand could exist in New York, which is home to 200 million more maple trees than Quebec, Canada, the world's current leader in maple syrup production."The senator wants the INTERNATIONAL House of Pancakes to have more of a LOCAL flavor. The irony is as thick as fine New York Maple Syrup…

Jay's Forgetful Friday

 In the spirit of forgetting to post yesterday, check out these things you shouldn't forget:

Brushing Teeth - It's one thing to have morning breath; but it's ridiculous to have night breath.

Babysitting - "Whoops" is just a synonym for homicide.

Mother's Day - Did your Mom forget about you during the 1st trimester? NO! Well... maybe it's the reason you have a predisposition to alcoholism. Regardless, your mother is like an elephant; she never forgets. Don't forget her. I also just called your mom an elephant.

Condom - Don't be like your parents. We don't need anymore mistakes running around.

Girlfriend/Boyfriend - If you're going out, give the "significant other" a call to let them know where you are. This way they feel at ease while you slam your latest crush. "Significant other"'s don't get upset. If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it.

And finally,

Homework - Sometimes you graduate and sometimes you don't. This may be my new jingle since I'm writing blog posts instead of working on my backlog of homework.

Please be done H1N1,

-Jay