Jay's Sketchin'

Here's a little number I wrote about lovely ladies entitled, "Cougars need Protection"

Int. The Fish and Game Warden's Office - Day

WARDEN OBERMAN sits at his desk. DEPUTY ROBERTS enters holding a State Order. On it is a picture of an attractive forty-year-old women. A caption at the bottom reads "Cougars need our Protection."

Deputy Roberts

(laughing)

Warden, I just got this in the mail from Jake over at State.

WARDEN OBERMAN

Let me see.

The warden take the State Order and glances over it.

WARDEN OBERMAN

This is an official State Order, Roberts. You know that when a request from State comes in it needs to be taken care of.

The warden picks up the phone.

DEPUTY ROBERTS

But it's just a joke, Warden.

WARDEN OBERMAN

(to phone)

Issue an APB to tag all "cougars" with a homing device.

DEPUTY ROBERTS

Sir, you can't do that! They're human beings, not animals.

The Warden puts down the phone.

WARDEN OBERMAN

"Cougars" are smart, sexy, and sophisticated creatures. They're independent and elusive. They're not "Fish"; but they sure sound like "Game" to me.

DEPUTY ROBERTS

No! That order is just a joke.

WARDEN OBERMAN

When The State Government asks you to do something, you do it! Apparently these "cougars" need our protection and I'm not risking my career over it. If you don't want to help that's fine. You'll just have to find another way to feed your family.

DEPUTY ROBERTS

You're going to fire me over this?

WARDEN OBERMAN

When people don't do their job, they get fired.

DEPUTY ROBERTS

Fine, I'll do it. Only because you're paying my bills.

WARDEN OBERMAN

That's the spirit, Roberts! Now, once the Rangers are done combing the Curves Gym we'll know just how endangered these "cougars" really are.

The Warden takes a bite of a doughnut. His eyes widen with remembrance. He picks up the phone.

WARDEN OBERMAN (CONT'D)

(to phone)

Capture and cage all men in their twenties.

DEPUTY ROBERTS

Sir! Tagging people is one thing, but we can't cage human beings.

The warden puts the phone down.

WARDEN OBERMAN

Males in there twenties are nocturnal. They go out at night to mate with the "cougars". But this very morning I saw one of them running through the parking lot of Dunkin' Doughnuts.

DEPUTY ROBERTS

They shouldn't be out in the day time.

WARDEN OBERMAN

It even had froth on it's mouth! If a "cougar" gets it's paws on the infected man, the transfer of fluids will cause virus and disease to spread everywhere.

DEPUTY ROBERTS

Sir, come on. The twenty-somethings maybe infected but nothing is saying they are going to be caught by a "cougar".

WARDEN OBERMAN

No man can escape a "cougar".

DEPUTY ROBERTS

Damn it, you're right.

The phone rings and Warden Oberman picks it up.

WARDEN OBERMAN

(to phone)

What!...An excess...Great!...Oh, I see...Proceed...You're welcome.

The Warden hangs up the phone.

WARDEN OBERMAN (CONT'D)

There's are more "cougars" in our county than we initially thought. In fact, we've removed them from the endangered species list.

DEPUTY ROBERTS

What a relief!

WARDEN OBERMAN

Unfortunately, the population has gotten so large it's now a problem.

DEPUTY ROBERTS

Having too many attractive women over the age of forty is not a problem.

WARDEN OBERMAN

They're causing traffic accidents, forced entry, and in some cases death. Which is why I' just okay'ed a controlled hunt.

DEPUTY ROBERTS

What? No! You can't go out and murder women.

WARDEN OBERMAN

It's not murder it's population control.

DEPUTY ROBERTS

This shouldn't be happening! That order was just a JOKE.

WARDEN OBERMAN

Thanks to you, this area will once again be balanced. Everyone here at the Fish and Game department thanks you for it!

DEPUTY ROBERTS

I should have never brought that in here. Women are being hunted down and killed because of me.

The phone rings and Warden Oberman picks it up.

WARDEN OBERMAN

(to phone)

Yes...Look for it's ID marking in the Prada Bag...Okay.

The Warden hangs up the phone.

WARDEN OBERMAN (CONT'D)

Your spouse is Cindy right?

DEPUTY ROBERTS

Yeah.

WARDEN OBERMAN

Roberts you never told me you bagged a cougar, you rascal! Bad news though. We killed your wife.

The End