When I was in college and really started drinking, I was about as far away from a beer snob as you could be. That choice didn't come from any attempt to be normal and avoid being a douche; it just so happened that cheap beer lots of people frown upon were around $11 a 30 pack. For a college student with no job, that deal sounds like heaven, and it was. So, for two years of college, I drank mostly cheap stuff. Busch, Coors, Miller, etc. Now, don't get me wrong. These beers definitely have their qualities. They're light, and taste decent, and for $11 a 30 pack, they fueled beer pong games for months on end, and I didn't know any better.
Once I left school, and started getting introduced to different beers of different flavors and seasons, I realized there was quite the world out there to satisfy my growing alcoholism. (NOTE: America is frickin great.) Pretty soon, unless there was a drinking game that required a beer that went through you like water, I went for different beers, and I'm not gonna bore you with names. If you know me, you know what they are, and if you don't you're probably so disgusted by my shameless drinking problem that you've switched blogs by now. I don't blame you.
A few years back, we discovered the mecca for our drinking, and it's the Atlantic City Beerfest. And it is just what it sounds like. They essentially rent out an airplane hangar, and fill it to the brim with different beers. They give you a little glass, and let you loose. Imagine there was a BaconFest. There's gotta be, right? Anyway, we've made it a trip every year and it becomes one of my annual highlights, and it's amazing how many drunks they can cram in one place. This year, we got to our session early and made a remarkable and terrifying discovery. The afternoon session was being let out, and have you ever wondered what it sounds like when 3,000 drunks people are let loose into the street at the same time? It's literally a zombie apocalypse. People moaning, screaming, stumbling, falling, attacking, laughing. I knew what it was like to be on THAT side of it, but I had never been on the sober side. A normal person would see it and decide they had more dignity. Luckily that didn't happen. I went in, as did my friends, and we drank for four hours, and we tried to act classy and sophisticated, but by the end we were just like the slobs we saw in the afternoon. Pretty sure that's what you call the circle of life.
Anyway, I guess the moral of my story is that beer is great and everyone should drink it in large groups. Tell your parents HDO said so.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Ryan and the Sound of Music
It was roughly 7 a.m. when the thought hit me. It's early, I know, but some of my ideas come when I least expect them, like uninvited guests to one of my dress up parties.
I was working in the store with two teenage boys, and for some odd reason, we had decided to stick to our own iPods. We worked to our own beat, not talking to one another. As I checked the presentations in the front room, a disturbing thought occurred to me. "If a murderer came in here RIGHT NOW, held a gun to my head and said "switch iPods or I'll kill you!"...would I be willing? Because, you see, at this point in time, 7:00 am, Madonna was blasting in my ears. How embarrassing, I thought.
But then I began to wonder what THEY were listening to. Something cool, I bet. Or maybe not. Probably just stuff they hear on the radio. I've got some good stuff on mine, stuff they've probably never heard. So I stopped working and began to scroll through my playlist. "Come on, find something good. Something WORTHY!"
And then it hit me. I have horrible taste in music. I don't like a certain type of music, I accept tunes from all walks of life. But because I accept ANYTHING, I clearly have no standards. So, I've decided to bare my soul, and list for you my most embarrassing tracks.
The X-Men Cartoon Theme song. Weird. But fucking awesome.
Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" (three times) because once isn't enough.
The "Angel" Theme song. It...it was a gift?
"Pieces of Me" by Ashlee Simpson. I hate her so this baffles me.
An entire Blue Man Group cd. (...)
Works by Christopher Beck...aka "fight songs from Buffy the Vampire Slayer". If the zombie apocalypse happens, I know what tracks I'll be playing!
Clay Aiken's Christmas album. Because everyone loves a lesbian christmas.
Enya's "Only Time".
Hannah Montana. i actually ASKED my twelve year old cousin for this cd, only to discover that it was a double disc! BONUS!
"Jennifer Lopaz"...because Jennier Lopez is too classy
Oh, hey! Kenny Loggins. I knew I could count on him to make an appearance!
La Bouche's "wanna be my lover". An oldie but a goodie. No matter how you argue it.
Matthew Hall and Meagan Moore. You may know their deut from "The Polar Express". I saw that movie with my english professor in my sophomore year of college. It has sentimental value, assholes!
Menudo. the NEW menudo. not even the old one! (cries)
Moulin Rouge. I think I downloaded this when I was drunk. Yeah...drunk. really drunk.
Newsies. Christian Bale's got the pipes, son!
O-Town "Liquid Dreams" because that's what i get when I listen to it.
Susan Boyle's cover of Wild Horses. She's ugly but I want her to be filthy rich.
Vitamin C's "Graduation Song". I can explain...
Remember the fake mtv band, 2Gether? If you don't, I have all their cds! My older brother gave them to me. (because I asked for them)
"Pippin's Song" From Lord of the Rings.
And finally...the Wicked soundtrack. because I love being a stereotype.
NOW JOT DOWN YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING TRACKS! Then take them out of your iPod, and bury them in the backyard.
I was working in the store with two teenage boys, and for some odd reason, we had decided to stick to our own iPods. We worked to our own beat, not talking to one another. As I checked the presentations in the front room, a disturbing thought occurred to me. "If a murderer came in here RIGHT NOW, held a gun to my head and said "switch iPods or I'll kill you!"...would I be willing? Because, you see, at this point in time, 7:00 am, Madonna was blasting in my ears. How embarrassing, I thought.
But then I began to wonder what THEY were listening to. Something cool, I bet. Or maybe not. Probably just stuff they hear on the radio. I've got some good stuff on mine, stuff they've probably never heard. So I stopped working and began to scroll through my playlist. "Come on, find something good. Something WORTHY!"
And then it hit me. I have horrible taste in music. I don't like a certain type of music, I accept tunes from all walks of life. But because I accept ANYTHING, I clearly have no standards. So, I've decided to bare my soul, and list for you my most embarrassing tracks.
The X-Men Cartoon Theme song. Weird. But fucking awesome.
Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" (three times) because once isn't enough.
The "Angel" Theme song. It...it was a gift?
"Pieces of Me" by Ashlee Simpson. I hate her so this baffles me.
An entire Blue Man Group cd. (...)
Works by Christopher Beck...aka "fight songs from Buffy the Vampire Slayer". If the zombie apocalypse happens, I know what tracks I'll be playing!
Clay Aiken's Christmas album. Because everyone loves a lesbian christmas.
Enya's "Only Time".
Hannah Montana. i actually ASKED my twelve year old cousin for this cd, only to discover that it was a double disc! BONUS!
"Jennifer Lopaz"...because Jennier Lopez is too classy
Oh, hey! Kenny Loggins. I knew I could count on him to make an appearance!
La Bouche's "wanna be my lover". An oldie but a goodie. No matter how you argue it.
Matthew Hall and Meagan Moore. You may know their deut from "The Polar Express". I saw that movie with my english professor in my sophomore year of college. It has sentimental value, assholes!
Menudo. the NEW menudo. not even the old one! (cries)
Moulin Rouge. I think I downloaded this when I was drunk. Yeah...drunk. really drunk.
Newsies. Christian Bale's got the pipes, son!
O-Town "Liquid Dreams" because that's what i get when I listen to it.
Susan Boyle's cover of Wild Horses. She's ugly but I want her to be filthy rich.
Vitamin C's "Graduation Song". I can explain...
Remember the fake mtv band, 2Gether? If you don't, I have all their cds! My older brother gave them to me. (because I asked for them)
"Pippin's Song" From Lord of the Rings.
And finally...the Wicked soundtrack. because I love being a stereotype.
NOW JOT DOWN YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING TRACKS! Then take them out of your iPod, and bury them in the backyard.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Lizzie's Hardcore Moment of the Week: Never Drink and Squeak
It's 10pm...do you know where your beer is?
Just last night, in Palmerston, Australia at around 2:30am, a man committed the horrible act of breaking into a house and stealing all the alcohol from the fridge! He did not take anything else in the house, but instead went for the most valuable items the inhabitants owned: a six-pack of beer, and two bottles of wine.
This quick thinking burglar knew he could not hold all the items by himself to make a quick getaway, so he decided to use their wheelie bin to help him make a smooth exit.
Unfortunately, this particular bin was particularly and insanely loud and squeaky. This instantly woke the homeowners who then called the police.
Although the victims never got a look at the burglar, it was pretty easy to give the cops an accurate description: he's the creepy guy walking down the road at 2:30am with a wheelie bin as loud as two birds getting fisted.
He was found pretty soon after just one block away. One less monster walking those fine Australian streets.
God Bless America.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Charity Event
We will be performing at a charity event benefiting the Ronald McDonald House on Sunday, April 18th at the The Cullen Center in Hazlet, NJ. All proceeds will help those in need, so come join us for a wonderful night of laughs, food, and music.
You can buy tickets in person at our shows every Wednesday night at the Inkwell in Long Branch. Doors open 8:30. Show starts at 9pm.
Recap:
Sunday, April 18, 2010
6pm-10pm
The Cullen Center
1776 Union Ave
Hazlet, NJ
Tickets:
$15 minimum donation.
You can find any additional information by clicking the link below.
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/event.php?eid=378215265072
-HDO
You can buy tickets in person at our shows every Wednesday night at the Inkwell in Long Branch. Doors open 8:30. Show starts at 9pm.
Recap:
Sunday, April 18, 2010
6pm-10pm
The Cullen Center
1776 Union Ave
Hazlet, NJ
Tickets:
$15 minimum donation.
You can find any additional information by clicking the link below.
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/event.php?eid=378215265072
-HDO
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Ryan and the Prank
Some aspects of this story are tweaked because apparently some people have "feelings". Now, knowing that, eat it up, kids.
I was a tour guide at La Salle University for 2 and a half years, and because of this, my social circle grew threefold! not only did I make friends with the current student staff, I became friends with the "adult" staff and the incoming freshman who were on my tours. I often met several people who would come up to me and say "You were my tour guide! I came here because of you!" It was a great honor and I truly hoped that they would love the school as much as I did.
However, as most social circles go, personalities will match, clash, or never even take off. In the case of Samantha, a cheery, baby voiced, speech pathology major, my blood would sometimes boil around her. She walked almost as if she was skipping and I cannot recall how many times I wanted to push her down on the concrete. She was very sweet, but to a fault, almost believing it all to be an act. "How can anyone be THAT chipper?" As she sat at the computer, avoiding work while everyone did something, I imagined what it would be like to walk up to her and punch her in the side of the head. I pictured a metal plate over her temporal lobe. "She's a robot!", I would scream. "I knew it! She's a robot!"
As the year progressed, and the work died down, everyone became focused on graduating and spending their last few weeks in great spirits. As I watched the seniors prepare to take off, the underclassmen were needed more- and we were spread thin. One friday, it was completely dead and a few of us were hanging around. As Samantha played on facebook, I decided it was time to see how happy she would be if someone played a prank on her. I wanted her mad. I wanted her furious. I wanted her to be the angry robot I knew her to be.
So i took her phone when she wasn't paying attention and took my number out of it. I then texted her this message. "I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!". Now it was time to play it cool. When she came back, and looked at her phone, I was dying on the inside. "Oh my god...OH MY GOD! Look at this!" Samantha showed me her phone and I played dumb.
"Who would write that to you?! You're so sweet!" She got up, paced a little, and wracked her brain as I watched. At this very moment, my soul was being fed by her pain. I grew stronger! So I watched, and I watched, and I watched as she went up to everyone. Shock fell over their faces. "Samantha! It's gotta be a joke!" And a good one, at that.
A little time had passed that day, and people began to clock out one by one until there was only a handful of us left. Samantha returned to the break room and she was still so perplexed. We didn't talk for a while, which was fine by me, until I could tell that she was really suffering. It began to get sad and I felt for her, she didn't really deserve this. Samantha got up and took the seat next to mine. I thought this odd.
"I think I know who texted me". She had figured it out. And how do you apologize for something like that? Especially after letting it go on for so long.
"You...do?"
"I can only think of one person. Promise not to tell anybody?"
"Samantha, I would never do that". HA! She leaned in, and I listened as she whispered.
"I had a lesbian experience two months ago..." My mouth dropped. I think my testicles dropped. "And after I broke it off, she turned into this...this psycho!" My head cocked like a confused dog.
"WHAT?!" This had turned into something bigger than any prank and I was a part of it. It was like the gods were looking down on me and saying "Yes, you deserve this". I could not WAIT to tell everybody. I was anxious as a child and I was on the verge of peeing myself. However, after her "big gay reveal", it was only a little bit before she actually figured out it was me. I believe she greeted me with a middle finger. Which, to say the least, is what I probably deserved.
But...LEZ be honest...did she really think I wouldn't tell anybody? It's like the time my friend Felicia told us that her grandparents were related and she was practically an inbred. (truth)
...oops...
I was a tour guide at La Salle University for 2 and a half years, and because of this, my social circle grew threefold! not only did I make friends with the current student staff, I became friends with the "adult" staff and the incoming freshman who were on my tours. I often met several people who would come up to me and say "You were my tour guide! I came here because of you!" It was a great honor and I truly hoped that they would love the school as much as I did.
However, as most social circles go, personalities will match, clash, or never even take off. In the case of Samantha, a cheery, baby voiced, speech pathology major, my blood would sometimes boil around her. She walked almost as if she was skipping and I cannot recall how many times I wanted to push her down on the concrete. She was very sweet, but to a fault, almost believing it all to be an act. "How can anyone be THAT chipper?" As she sat at the computer, avoiding work while everyone did something, I imagined what it would be like to walk up to her and punch her in the side of the head. I pictured a metal plate over her temporal lobe. "She's a robot!", I would scream. "I knew it! She's a robot!"
As the year progressed, and the work died down, everyone became focused on graduating and spending their last few weeks in great spirits. As I watched the seniors prepare to take off, the underclassmen were needed more- and we were spread thin. One friday, it was completely dead and a few of us were hanging around. As Samantha played on facebook, I decided it was time to see how happy she would be if someone played a prank on her. I wanted her mad. I wanted her furious. I wanted her to be the angry robot I knew her to be.
So i took her phone when she wasn't paying attention and took my number out of it. I then texted her this message. "I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!". Now it was time to play it cool. When she came back, and looked at her phone, I was dying on the inside. "Oh my god...OH MY GOD! Look at this!" Samantha showed me her phone and I played dumb.
"Who would write that to you?! You're so sweet!" She got up, paced a little, and wracked her brain as I watched. At this very moment, my soul was being fed by her pain. I grew stronger! So I watched, and I watched, and I watched as she went up to everyone. Shock fell over their faces. "Samantha! It's gotta be a joke!" And a good one, at that.
A little time had passed that day, and people began to clock out one by one until there was only a handful of us left. Samantha returned to the break room and she was still so perplexed. We didn't talk for a while, which was fine by me, until I could tell that she was really suffering. It began to get sad and I felt for her, she didn't really deserve this. Samantha got up and took the seat next to mine. I thought this odd.
"I think I know who texted me". She had figured it out. And how do you apologize for something like that? Especially after letting it go on for so long.
"You...do?"
"I can only think of one person. Promise not to tell anybody?"
"Samantha, I would never do that". HA! She leaned in, and I listened as she whispered.
"I had a lesbian experience two months ago..." My mouth dropped. I think my testicles dropped. "And after I broke it off, she turned into this...this psycho!" My head cocked like a confused dog.
"WHAT?!" This had turned into something bigger than any prank and I was a part of it. It was like the gods were looking down on me and saying "Yes, you deserve this". I could not WAIT to tell everybody. I was anxious as a child and I was on the verge of peeing myself. However, after her "big gay reveal", it was only a little bit before she actually figured out it was me. I believe she greeted me with a middle finger. Which, to say the least, is what I probably deserved.
But...LEZ be honest...did she really think I wouldn't tell anybody? It's like the time my friend Felicia told us that her grandparents were related and she was practically an inbred. (truth)
...oops...
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The humor of Church Signs
Every time that I pass a church in my local area, I always keep an eye out for the crazy, trying to be pun-tacular or funny in a Christian way, church sign. There are plenty of these funny signs all over the place, even one one road probably named Church Rd, will be multiple churches displaying their competitive signs with messages of the Lord. So let's take a look at some those wacky Church Signs.
This is a classic one. It sets the standards for all Church Signs.
Now, we're getting a little dirty but we're still keeping the faith.
Ok, this one is a little out there, but this message is correct. He is the father of that church.
The Church seems to be getting a little more graphic with their message. I guess the theme of threatening people has always been a Christian tradition.
Last but not least, all of the popular zombie culture is spilling over in the Church Sign Territory. My dream has finally come true!
So there we are ladies and gentleman, funny messages from the man upstairs or the sign guy downstairs waiting for the next week to change the Church Sign. Till next week this is Reverend Sean saying good day and goodnight to you all. May the next time you see a church with a block lettered sign out front, I hope you take a quick glance and read their message.
Sincerely yours,
Sean
This is a classic one. It sets the standards for all Church Signs.
Now, we're getting a little dirty but we're still keeping the faith.
Ok, this one is a little out there, but this message is correct. He is the father of that church.
The Church seems to be getting a little more graphic with their message. I guess the theme of threatening people has always been a Christian tradition.
Last but not least, all of the popular zombie culture is spilling over in the Church Sign Territory. My dream has finally come true!
So there we are ladies and gentleman, funny messages from the man upstairs or the sign guy downstairs waiting for the next week to change the Church Sign. Till next week this is Reverend Sean saying good day and goodnight to you all. May the next time you see a church with a block lettered sign out front, I hope you take a quick glance and read their message.
Sincerely yours,
Sean
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Ryan's #5 Favorite Moment
This is completely true. COMPLETELY.
It was almost 7 or 8 years ago, (I can't really remember), when I went to Celia W's cast party. We just "wrapped up" one of the summer shows in Thompson Park. To me, it was never about the musicals or "sharpening my craft". It was just a place where I could have fun and touch a lot of breasts. I mean a LOT. It was a community theater that acted as a second home, if not a first one.
This theater always recycled the same adult actors for the parts and just put most of the teenagers in the background. Even sometimes the people who didn't get a call back showed up for rehearsals. We weren't athletes or popular, we weren't really anything promising at all. To an outsider, we were odd balls. But it never did matter much what others thought. We were too busy putting on makeup and dancing around in costumes.
At that point in my life, I had not drank alcohol. I thought it was dumb. I remember seeing my sister and brother drunk one time and I thought it was obnoxious. Plus it spooked me. However, it wad the summer before college and I figured I might as well give it a go.
That night, as Lesbian Celia tried to kiss Straight Kate, my friend Krystal and I retired to the bathroom to have a "secret vodka party". This party meant that we would sit on a toilet and do shots of vodka, make disgusting faces, and laugh. She and I were the only ones invited. Apparently it was too difficult for many to get the criteria down.
An hour later, we needed to pee and were forced to use the downstairs bathroom. I went first, and then waited for Krystal as I smoked one of Celia's grandmother's cigarettes in the kitchen. As i waited, I could hear a faint noise, a moan? Like someone in pain...
Krystal got out of the bathroom, and as we started to walk up the stairs, the sound became more clear. "Help me!" At the edge of the stairs, around the corner, was a room. the lights were turned off, but the tv was on. The blue light was cast onto a hospital bed, with white sheets and a guard rail. There was also a metal triangle hanging over the pillow - a pull bar. On the bed, was a legless man.
Celia's grandmother was in the corner, moving the bedsheets off the bed, and she looked to Krystal and I. "Would you help me move my husband?" I looked to the old man, dressed in his hospital gown. "Where the fuck ARE WE?!" I thought to myself. Now, remember, I had only drank ONCE before this, so I was....tripping balls.
So here we are, in a small, dark room, with a legless man in the middle of a hospital bed, and we're being asked to assist him. I was in my very own scene from "Misery".
"Okay..." I said, not really sure if I could.
"You're gonna have to get behind him, and pull him up". I was up for the challenge, but Krystal could only watch in hopes of not getting in the way. The old man grabbed the pull bar/metal triangle. His fists tightened, ready for action as I wrapped my arms under his arms and around his chest. The grandmother and Krystal watched.
"Ready? One, two, three".
I pulled, he pulled, and Krystal continued to watch. Moving him was easy. You can guess why. If you can't, I'lll remind you that half of him was missing. So he got to the top of his bed, and placed his back on his pillow. I was happy to help. He was happy to be back to his sitting position. And then I heard a scream.
Krystal covered her mouth, but her eyes were frozen. And I looked down to see what i will always refer to as "the horror". Not only did celia forget to mention that she had half of a mystery guest at her party, she also believed he didn't deserve underwear. Through the folds of the sheets, an elderly penis poked through, like a bottle nosed dolphin in the turbulent sea.
It took seconds to erupt into laughter, which quickly escalated into tears of joy. What gift we had been given. What a gift.
And,,,with that being said, I had experienced my favorite drunk moment on my second try, something not many people get to do. To try and beat that would be pointless, although it doesn't mean I've let up with boozing.I recall that moment less and less, but when I do, it's exactly the same. Fucking awesome.
It was almost 7 or 8 years ago, (I can't really remember), when I went to Celia W's cast party. We just "wrapped up" one of the summer shows in Thompson Park. To me, it was never about the musicals or "sharpening my craft". It was just a place where I could have fun and touch a lot of breasts. I mean a LOT. It was a community theater that acted as a second home, if not a first one.
This theater always recycled the same adult actors for the parts and just put most of the teenagers in the background. Even sometimes the people who didn't get a call back showed up for rehearsals. We weren't athletes or popular, we weren't really anything promising at all. To an outsider, we were odd balls. But it never did matter much what others thought. We were too busy putting on makeup and dancing around in costumes.
At that point in my life, I had not drank alcohol. I thought it was dumb. I remember seeing my sister and brother drunk one time and I thought it was obnoxious. Plus it spooked me. However, it wad the summer before college and I figured I might as well give it a go.
That night, as Lesbian Celia tried to kiss Straight Kate, my friend Krystal and I retired to the bathroom to have a "secret vodka party". This party meant that we would sit on a toilet and do shots of vodka, make disgusting faces, and laugh. She and I were the only ones invited. Apparently it was too difficult for many to get the criteria down.
An hour later, we needed to pee and were forced to use the downstairs bathroom. I went first, and then waited for Krystal as I smoked one of Celia's grandmother's cigarettes in the kitchen. As i waited, I could hear a faint noise, a moan? Like someone in pain...
Krystal got out of the bathroom, and as we started to walk up the stairs, the sound became more clear. "Help me!" At the edge of the stairs, around the corner, was a room. the lights were turned off, but the tv was on. The blue light was cast onto a hospital bed, with white sheets and a guard rail. There was also a metal triangle hanging over the pillow - a pull bar. On the bed, was a legless man.
Celia's grandmother was in the corner, moving the bedsheets off the bed, and she looked to Krystal and I. "Would you help me move my husband?" I looked to the old man, dressed in his hospital gown. "Where the fuck ARE WE?!" I thought to myself. Now, remember, I had only drank ONCE before this, so I was....tripping balls.
So here we are, in a small, dark room, with a legless man in the middle of a hospital bed, and we're being asked to assist him. I was in my very own scene from "Misery".
"Okay..." I said, not really sure if I could.
"You're gonna have to get behind him, and pull him up". I was up for the challenge, but Krystal could only watch in hopes of not getting in the way. The old man grabbed the pull bar/metal triangle. His fists tightened, ready for action as I wrapped my arms under his arms and around his chest. The grandmother and Krystal watched.
"Ready? One, two, three".
I pulled, he pulled, and Krystal continued to watch. Moving him was easy. You can guess why. If you can't, I'lll remind you that half of him was missing. So he got to the top of his bed, and placed his back on his pillow. I was happy to help. He was happy to be back to his sitting position. And then I heard a scream.
Krystal covered her mouth, but her eyes were frozen. And I looked down to see what i will always refer to as "the horror". Not only did celia forget to mention that she had half of a mystery guest at her party, she also believed he didn't deserve underwear. Through the folds of the sheets, an elderly penis poked through, like a bottle nosed dolphin in the turbulent sea.
It took seconds to erupt into laughter, which quickly escalated into tears of joy. What gift we had been given. What a gift.
And,,,with that being said, I had experienced my favorite drunk moment on my second try, something not many people get to do. To try and beat that would be pointless, although it doesn't mean I've let up with boozing.I recall that moment less and less, but when I do, it's exactly the same. Fucking awesome.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
School Daze
As I am writing this entry, I am sitting in my school’s library taking up valuable space on a computer that another student could be using to help with their education. In celebration of this remarkable event that I am withholding for my own benefit, and your eyes, I will type up a list of phrases. These phrases will hopefully catch the eye a few students looking for a computer, or sitting near me glancing over my shoulder, or passing by me for whatever reason will see and automatically give them the “WTF?” moment. This in turn will make me seem like I’m wasting time and that I’m psycho.
KEEP IT MOVING FOUR EYES!
YOU WOULD LOOK GREAT IN A STEW, WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER?
WISH YOU WERE HERE?
IF THERE’S TIME TO LEAN, THERE’S TO CLEAN.
YOU AREN’T GOING TO AMOUNT TO ANYTHING IN LIFE, JUST QUIT.
WILL YOU MIND YOUR OWN FUCKIN' BUSINESS.
CAN’T YOU SEE I’M BUSY DOING NOTHING WHILE YOU’RE TRYING TO WORK.
YOUR MOTHER SUCKS DICKS IN HELL!!!
So there we are, a few ramblings that hopefully a few people read and might remember when they are going to their next class wondering exactly why I’m typing this up on a Microsoft Word Document. Maybe, they’re on their way to notify the librarian at the front desk that I’m abusing my privileges on the school computers. Either way, I’M A PAYING STUDENT AND I DEMAND RESPECT.
-SEAN!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Lizzie's "Get to Know HDO"
Every other week, I ask the group one question in order to help you folks learn a little bit more about us as individuals. I ask deep, personal questions that strike hard at the depths of our souls, and reveal our most treasured secrets. Today's question:
If you were on a deserted island, what would you want to bring with you?
Keith: "I would want to bring one of my students. Because the youth of America is important...and because everyone will be more likely to go on a massive search to find him, rather than me."
Billy: "Well I would have to say that I'd hafta bring all my seasons of LOST. That way I could study it and be prepared for anything that may attack me on an island, like black smoke. Gotta love the power of DVDs...wait, there would be no DVD player on the island would there...shit."
Sean: "My good ole friend Captain Morgan. Because when I realize I will never leave the island, I'll finally want a little bit of Captain in me."
Ryan: "My subscription to Venus Magazine, and a tub of vaseline."
Me: "Gas-X....lots of it."
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Billy vs. Movie Theaters The Squeakuel
That's right, I'm back again with a fresh tale of movie theater horror. I had been on a good streak for a while, and now that time has come to a drastic and dramatic halt. I went to my local theater on Sunday to check out COP OUT(eh) and our theater really didn't seem all that packed. Most Americans were watching the most exciting hockey gold medal game since Team USA faced off against Iceland at the Junior Goodwill Games. Oh memories...
Anyway, as we sat waiting for the movie to start, I began to notice more and more families coming in with little kids. Did they not get what kind of movie this was? This was a Hard R cop movie with lots of cursing and blood and shooting. Do they just think Tracy Morgan is a funny guy that can act as a babysitter? Or these people communists and just have no interest in doing something patriotic? What was their deal? I was filled with dread, knowing these obnoxious kids would likely ruin my film experience. And they didn't at all. I owe them all an apology. Who I don't owe an apology to? The old woman sitting right behind me.
You know how when you're a kid, and you....I'm sorry, you know how when you're any sane person with a brain, and you know that fart jokes are funny? And you giggle at them? And at any silly dirty joke? When you sit in your 20's, don't you assume that one day you won't laugh as much at them, even though you wished you really would? Well, on Sunday I made a joyous discovery. Older people STILL laugh at stupid dirty jokes. The woman behind us, who I saw afterwards was in her 50's, and pint size and Korean, laughed at any line said in the movie. Even the setup lines. Anything, she let out a long lingering laugh. It started as an annoyance but by the end I couldn't help but laugh at how insane she sounded. Especially when every laugh ended with her choking on her popcorn. If only...
I'm glad she enjoyed herself though. She seemed eccentric and lonely, so I'm glad Tracy Morgan and Bruce Willis could keep her entertained for a few hours. Now if only she would stop farting and start taking smaller bites.
Anyway, as we sat waiting for the movie to start, I began to notice more and more families coming in with little kids. Did they not get what kind of movie this was? This was a Hard R cop movie with lots of cursing and blood and shooting. Do they just think Tracy Morgan is a funny guy that can act as a babysitter? Or these people communists and just have no interest in doing something patriotic? What was their deal? I was filled with dread, knowing these obnoxious kids would likely ruin my film experience. And they didn't at all. I owe them all an apology. Who I don't owe an apology to? The old woman sitting right behind me.
You know how when you're a kid, and you....I'm sorry, you know how when you're any sane person with a brain, and you know that fart jokes are funny? And you giggle at them? And at any silly dirty joke? When you sit in your 20's, don't you assume that one day you won't laugh as much at them, even though you wished you really would? Well, on Sunday I made a joyous discovery. Older people STILL laugh at stupid dirty jokes. The woman behind us, who I saw afterwards was in her 50's, and pint size and Korean, laughed at any line said in the movie. Even the setup lines. Anything, she let out a long lingering laugh. It started as an annoyance but by the end I couldn't help but laugh at how insane she sounded. Especially when every laugh ended with her choking on her popcorn. If only...
I'm glad she enjoyed herself though. She seemed eccentric and lonely, so I'm glad Tracy Morgan and Bruce Willis could keep her entertained for a few hours. Now if only she would stop farting and start taking smaller bites.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Keith's Top Seven Of The Week "Sparkly Things" Adult ADD is serious buisness.
I suffer from Adult Attention Deficit Disorder and I wrote this list to help out those who suffer like me. Here are seven bedazzled items that you should keep out of your field of vision when you are operating heavy machinery, delicate surgery or juggling fine china.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)