Sean's Cake Disasters of the Fifth Kind

Everyone loves cake, have it, eat it too. Since any supermarket is always looking for cheap, replaceable help all the time, there can be some overlooked cake designs that are hitting the baker's racks. There could also be a cake master that is just trying to get away with far too much. Here are some poor designs of cakes that prove themselves as....poor designs.

Nothing hits the spot like shitting butterflies leaving their end trails.

This is Billy's cake: Blood and Shit with buttercream frosting.

Last but not least, pregnant Marge Simpson with a nub for a missing hand and a word of advice. Always use protection, or abstinence, so you never have the chance of receiving a cake like this due to your biggest mistake.

-Sean

Lizzie's Hardcore Moment of the Week: I'm Not Dead Yet

On Tuesday, I Columbian woman by the name of Noelia Serna was pronounced dead from a heart attack. She was sent to the funeral home for embalming, but just as she was about to be injected with embalming fluid into her seemingly non coursing veins, her right arm began to move!

This is yet another classic case of "not dead yet" syndrome. Taken from the book of Python, "not dead yet" is derived from the final words of a man who is nearly dead and about to be taken away. And though these new cases of "not dead yet" may not shout it from the rooftops, they sure as hell do get the point across with their energetic bodily twitches.

Take for instance another case. June Burchell of Sussex was pronounced dead three times, waking up twice in the morgue. Trust me, waking up in a morgue is in no way the same as coming to from a blackout after a night of binge drinking. That is, unless you blackout in a morgue.

Thankfully, advancements in research are being made to treat "not dead yet" syndrome. A scientist by the name of Miracle Max is working on a pill that he feels may cure people who he refers to as "mostly dead".

Let us hope this will be the end of freaking people out at funerals. Only time will tell...

Billy vs. Trends

I feel like I'm generally behind on the times when it comes to what's popular. I don't listen to much current music beyond a few bands I really enjoy, and I don't have much of a fashion sense. I have jeans, t-shirts, and button down shirts. That's essentially it, and I'm okay with that. What I think I am usually keeping in touch with is the internet, because I'm essentially on it for 8 hours every day at work, and I tend to live on my computer. I wish I was not so dependent on it, but that's just how it is. SO, when random fads and trends and recurring jokes pop up on the internet, I tend to see them in all stages. The discovery, the laughter, the joy, the excitement and fun of it. Then, I watch as it gets used too much, and gets put into too many different scenarios until eventually the only place you see it is when it's being used ironically, like, "Oh man, remember THAT? Boy we were losers." That's just the way of the internet, and I guess the way of the world.

The newest trend, that I thought was just insanely stupid is a series of groups that I see popping up on Facebook. Apparently now there needs to be a group for every possible human emotion, thought, action and occurance. It's insane. Some honest example I have seen:

"Hanging out at night."

"Flinching in bed because you had a dream you were falling."

"That S thing everyone drew in school."

"Drinking"

"Sleeping"

"Saying something and then realizing you meant to say something else"

"Fat girls wearing skinny girls clothes"

"Being outside"

"Being inside"

"Eating pizza with friends"

"Looking down at my phone"

If you need to connect with other people that have cell phones and like being outside and eating food, I think the problem is that you're still on Facebook. Go outside. LIVE.

But thanks for staying in to read this blog.

triCity News article

Hey Everyone,

HDO is featured in the current triCity News paper based out of Asbury Park, NJ. Here is the scanned equivalent of the article for your eyes on here. Below, is the typed out content of the article, so you don't have to squint so much to read it. Thank you to Steven at triCity and to our good friend Simon Yuen for his photography skills.


PICKS for the WEEK ahead
Tri>These

Every Wednesday night
Doors @ 8:30///Showtime 9pm//
in Long Branch

Humpdays are a lot more fun this winter, thanks to the Inkwell and Helicopter Dance Off (pictured above). The legendary coffeehouse in West End has been hosting the comedy troupe every week for awhile, and though we haven't caught the act yet we did catch up with Helicopter Dance member Sean Favre, who sent us the following:

"Helicopter Dance Off is a long-form improv and sketch comedy troupe based out of Long Branch. We have been performing as a troupe for over a year at various places in the area. We have done shows at Monmouth University, Brookdale, and having hosted a Film Festival in Asbury Park. We have also been trained in long form improvisation at the UCB Theatre in New York City. This March 2010 will mark our one year anniversary at the Inkwell.

"Our shows are entirely made up on the spot based off a suggestion from the audience. We like to mix up the types of games we do every week. In addition to performing long form improv during the show, which consists of a rapid amount of different but connected scenes in the span of a half hour, we also perform short form games much like the ones found on the show Whose Line Is It Anyway?. A fan favorite short form game is Party Quirks, where one troupe member leaves the room and then has to host a party trying to figure out his or her guests, which are given their quirks from audience suggestions.

"We perform a free show every Wednesday night at the Inkwell. Door open at 8:30pm and show starts at 9pm. You can find more info about us at www.helicopterdanceoff.com. You can check our daily updated blog on that address, where each troupe member writes his or her own humorous entry. There are also links to our Facebook, Funny or Die sketch comedy page, and Myspace."

Sean also told triCity that Helicopter Dance Off keeps the improv fresh by building monthly shows around a holiday. In December they did specialty shows that were themed around Hanukah, Christmas, and New Year's Eve. Of course, February means Valentine's Day, and March means St. Patrick's Day. "If we run out of major holidays in one month we may have to use the superlative holidays such as Arbor Day or Flag Day to fill that void, " he continues.

The troupe members include Sean Favre, Billy Coyle, Keith Laviola, Ryan Barry, Lizzie Spellman, and Jay Letchko. They like to create a friendly environment, suitable for anyone high school age up to young adults and beyond. Which should satisfy every triCity consituincy.

Again, performances of Helicopter Dance Off take place every Wednesday night at the Inkwell (665 2nd Avenue, Long Branch; 732-483-0444). Grab your table around 8:30; show start time is 9pm.

Keith's Valentine's Day Card Haiku

Hey, Roses are red

So is your special place girl

Valentine's Day, barf.

Ryan wanted to know what happened to Billy's Mom on Valentine's day...

HDO vs. The Feud

The crowd is roaring with anticipation. Here I was, on Family Feud. I was in the final round, and I needed to get 70 points to get the grand prize of $10,000. All eyes were on me, and I really knew this was my time to shine. The questions started coming, and I started to completely blank on EVERYTHING. I don't have answers to ANY questions.

"What are popular foods served on Thanksgiving?"

"Popular summer vacation destination?"

"What is the most popular household pet?"

I DON'T KNOW!!! I just don't know!!

"Hot dogs?"

"Trenton?"

"Cougars?"

WRONG. WRONG. WRONG!!

I am completely blanking, and time is running out, and all of a sudden, there's a noise underneath me. Suddenly, there's a banging noise from a crate that has appeared at my feet. The crate opens, and out comes....Sean.

You know those scenes from shows when someone pops up in a cameo? Huge name in a hit show, and the fans freak out, and the studio audience cheers and the show gets delayed because of the applause? The opposite happened. Silence. And someone put on a sound effect on crickets. However, I figured that would all change once the announcer proclaimed over the PA:

"Oh my God!! It's.....SEAN FAVRE OF HELICOPTER DANCE-OFF!!!"

The cricket noises got louder. Sean looked confused to be there. I got frustrated and walked off the set, and walked down a flight of stairs, opened the door and was suddenly in my room at home. Because that's the layout in real life. Keith was playing video games on my TV, and I flipped out that he wasn't watching us on the Feud. I turned the game off and started flipping through channels, looking for a replay of my time on television(more like awesomevision) but could not find it. I was getting really annoyed, because despite the horrible finish, it was probably the best publicity we'd ever had. I turned around to tell Keith that I couldn't find the show, and when I did, there were suddenly 25 people in my room, drinking. It was a full blown SHINDIG. People getting drunk, dancing, singing, and seemingly having a great time in very cramped quarters. Sean came downstairs, and announced that I was not allowed back on Family Feud since I left before it was over, and I lost my chance at any money. I was annoyed, until a girl holding a beer said she had to show me something. She walked into my closet, but before I could follow her, she slid the door of my closet closed. I got depressed and drank a beer.

And then I woke up.

Ryan and a Fan Base

It was during my junior year of college that I felt everything had fallen into place. I was involved in a bunch of different things, had an off campus apartment, made a ton of friends, had a job and I was 21. It was during my junior year that I was asked to co-host a trivia game show for our television station that would air throughout Philadelphia. Of course I said yes, and the reigns were handed over to me and my friend Stephanie.

We would have two weeks to prepare these shows, but we would spend 13 and a half days ruining every organ we could name. Then we would snap out of it the night before and get to business.

"Okay, we need categories!" Steph would say over the phone with a nervous giggle, feeling the heat of our deadline.

"What about a category on...things WE like?!"

"Done."

These shows would be themed, such as the Oscars show and the Harry Potter Show, and over the next 2 years, it became pretty popular. We ended up getting e-mails from people from other colleges who wanted to come and participate. We had graduates who wanted to be on the show. We then had high school kids e-mail us asking to be on. This was the life, I thought. Our faces are out there in the great city of Philadelphia and people want to be part of our show. We made it! AND THEY LOVE US! THEY REALLY LOVE US!

And yes, they loved us.

Some more than others....

I'm not sure how it began, but between my junior and senior year, a man from Philadelphia had found me on Facebook, and got my school e-mail. He was in his mid 20s, and had e-maield me something innocent. I didn't mind one bit. After all, it was FAN MAIL. I'm not sure how it evolved from e-mails to screen names, but it did. I remember raising a red flag wh

en this gentleman wrote me "Oh god, Ryan, I'm so scared. I think I may have an STD. I'm just waiting for the results and I'm SOOOO nervous." Four minutes later, he asked "get coffee with me?"

I said no. A clip played in my head where I get strangled and dead, stripped, and thrown i a dumpster somewhere.

A few days later, I received an e-mail. I opened it. A line was crossed. Nude photos glared back at me. Finally, it had happened. I was truly, 100% being harassed like a CELEBRITY! I was then tempted to give him my address, leave my apartment for a week, and return home to find all my underwear missing and my cat's head ripped off. "It could have been me," my newspaper quote would read. "All I keep thinking is...what would he have done if I WAS home?! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a cat to bury."

As you can guess, I never talked to that man again. And after telling my production manager about "the photos that get people sent to prison", we decided not to have outsiders on the show. But imagine the ratings if he WAS on. Still naked?! My mind raced. Surely by that point I would need a body guard.

Weeks went by with no word from the STD man and I carried on with my life. It was during some gay parade - or THE gay parade - in Philly that the delicious burden of stardom appeared once more. As i walked down the street, an empty beer in my hand, I heard "Ryan?" I knew what it was about. I don't know how, but I just knew - perhaps it was the tone. I turned to see a stranger staring at me. "You're the kid from tv!"

"Yes. Yes I am."

"Let me buy you a drink, kid!"

"Sur-"

"If you sign my ass..."

A pause. For those of you how know me, you may know that I will do anything for a free drink. Anything. So I was handed a pen, and he pulled his pants down a little and I signed my SECOND STALKERS right ass cheek. That's right. NUMBER 2.

As i look back on those years, now an old woman, I miss my stalker(s). But if I ever feel lonely, bitter, and old - I just type my name into youtube and find that one girl who taped herself doing "Ryan's opening" from his television show - the one where I roll out of bed. It makes me laugh, and reminds me of a simpler time, one where nude photos were a plus and signing someone's ass meant something. These memories bring a light to my face and when I look in the mirror I can say with utter confidence "Yeah...I'm just like Julia Roberts."

Memoirs of a Pussy

In the midst of the world freezing over today, my family and I discovered one of my cats to be missing. Typically we don't think this to be a big deal cause they're outdoor cats, but since we now live in a frozen tundra we felt that its not a good idea to leave our pets outside to turn into little popsicles. We went on a hunt for our cat Lucy, and came to discover a faint meowing coming from my car. Turns out, she managed to climb underneath my car hood (yes they can do that). I'm guessing it was to protect herself from the snow, and I can only imagine what kind of thoughts were running through her teeny tiny brain.

Feb 10th (10:06am)

I've managed to find shelter from the falling sky. My fur is wet, and hope I am not in danger of hypothermia. I hope whatever is happening will end soon. I can only hope that my owners have found protection from this horrible apocalypse. For now I will just have to wait it out.

-Lucy

Feb 10th (11:30am)

The frigid white ash has not let up. It is piling up all around me, and I fear I may be buried inside my safe house. I have come to terms with the fact that my loved ones have all perished, as I was not there to protect them. If only I was there to show them a safe way out. But I can no longer blame myself. It's time for me to think about my own survival.

-Lucy

Feb 10th (12pm)

The dizzy spells have begun. I knew this was bound to happen. There is a lack of oxygen in here, and a potent aroma of gasoline. Odd. Food is very scarce. I've managed to find small bits of dirt in here, but it will not curb my immense hunger. I wish for nothing more than to leave what may now become my ironic coffin, but I dare not venture out. But nothing compares to the fact that I really need to relieve myself, and there is absolutely no kitty litter!

-Lucy

Feb 10th (3:47pm)

It's been a while since my last log. This will probably be my last. My body is ice cold, I'm on the brink of starvation, and my bladder may soon explode. I'm all alone in here. My only source of comfort are the long conversations I have with the dip stick...and he's more of a listener. Oh how I miss the days of sleeping on the couch for hours...running out to pee in the backyard...sleeping on the couch for hours...ahhh precious hours I did not truly appreciate until now. I'm probably the only one left on this Earth, and I'm so close to just ending it all right now.

I fear I may be going insane.

A confession.

This afternoon I woke up and realized it was Monday after spending two days in my room playing xbox 360 for 24 hours straight. This is my cry for help.

Ryan, Turned Off

Here are some quotes from Billy's favorite book, IN LOVE WITH A THUG by Reginald Hall.

"I sucked on his lips like a Hoover vacuum, tasting everything that he'd had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner." page 108.

"Darnell had never come close to what this n*gga was doing. I mean, Bryant's tongue was going up, down, and around inside my dookie cave. Now that's some fly sh*t." page 109.

"I grabbed his bubble butt...as if I was in charge. Now I knew the TRUE meaning of "a pancake ain't done until you flip it" or "a chicken ain't done unless you cook it on both sides"" page 191.

"...I mean, how many months was she?"

"Baby, she was 7 and a half months pregnant."

"I didn't know that people could still have abortions that late in their pregnancy"

"...it's more money"

- an exchange between Juan and Bryant, page 113.

"Father Charles was known for his fierce voguing" page 136.

"The field across the street, which was now a nursing home, was where I'd first played the game "Catch a Girl, Freak a Girl" page 174.

"I signed onto AOL and had over a hundred emails. Two were from Bryant. The rest were junk e-mails" page 176.

"I mean, there's no toilet paper in the bathroom anymore."

"Keisha, I'ma need you to calm your voice in MY salon" I stated firmly.

"Calm my voice, pussy, I'm mad as shit cause I'm still working here without gettin' paid and my jaw still hasn't been the same since that girl your boyfriend is f*cking punched me for no reason"

- a quarrel, page 179

"I'm gonna look for a cd to groove to while I'm tearing that ass up". I look at my cd collection and passed by TLC, India Arie, Chaka Khan...I closed my eyes and began to f*ck the sh*t out of him. I began thinking of all the things that a thug stood for". page 190

To read more, purchase a copy of your own or ask Billy for his. And for more by Reginald Hall, pick up his controversial book MEMOIRS: DELAWARE COUNTY PRISON.

Lizzie Misses the Classics

Think back to when television was simple. When you could turn on Nickelodeon without the fear that your favorite show would not be on, because every show was awesome. Sadly times be a changing, and the shows we grew up with are now slowly fading into the shadows of yester-year. Let us bow our heads in remembrance and look back on all the good times with some of the more obscure shows...

Roundhouse

Forget "All That", this was THE sketch comedy show for kids. With set pieces made out of junk material, a house band, dance breaks, and a grandpa moving about in a motorized recliner, this show was the "In Living Color" of SNICK. I frown upon all who don't remember this classic...IT RAN FOR 4 SEASONS YA BASTARDS!

The Secret World of Alex Mack

Who doesn't find a show about a high school girl getting dowsed by harmful chemicals, only to find she has super powers, a bad idea for kids? Ummm...NO ONE! Alex Mack was freaking awesome. This girl had telekinesis, could shoot electricity from her fingers, and morph into a silver puddle. Her only drawback was when she got upset and turned bright yellow, and was constantly being hunted down by the CEO of the chemical plant. A fair trade in my book...especially for the silver puddle trick.

Wild and Crazy Kids

The best game show where no one won ANYTHING! It wasn't even really a game show. Kids would play three games an episode just for shits, and hope they didn't get severely hurt. Examples of these were giant slip n' slide relays, human battleship (when you were sunk, a bucket of an unidentifiable substance would be dumped on your head), and the safest of them all: sliding down a waterslide with a bucket on your head and a backpack filled with tomatoes strapped to your chest...i know...i know.

Space Cases

I was personally quite addicted to this show. It was like what LOST is to our generation now. A bunch of kids from every planet in the galaxy get lost in space and travel to unknown worlds. This was in some ways even better than Alex Mack because all the kids had certain powers depending on which planet they were from. It made kids really think that maybe, just maybe, there were kids that looked just like us living on Saturn...but with rainbow hair and super sonic screaming ability. well it made sense to me.

Weinerville

Big head...little bodies...inappropriate puppets...and a sweet ass Hanukkah special. Teaching children the clever catchphrase "I'm Boney, I'm Boney, leave me alone-y". Barney ain't got nothing on that shit!

I know you're YouTubing all of this right now....don't lie.

Billy vs. The Frozen Balls

I spent my last two years of high school working at a pizza place where I developed all my horrific eating habits and stuffing my face with free pizza and soda every work day. That was the huge drawback to this job. The positives were my sweet minimum wage paycheck that allowed me to spend my weekends playing poker, buying Maxim magazines and eating McDonalds, and it helped me developed an enormous amount of respect for people in any form of the food industry. I feel sympathy for anyone that has to deal with food, or deal with people ordering food. It can be a horrendous experience as you work with impatient people that want their food a certain way. I felt similar sympathy for our waiter at a popular chain restaurant last weekend. I don't want to give away business for them, so let's just say the place was called "Thank Goodness It's Thursday"

My friend ordered their new meatball sandwich, and it came out fairly quick. In fact, all the service was really impressive that night for the most part. Until of course, my friend actually went to EAT the meatball sandwich, and discovered two things:

1) The meatball didn't taste like a traditional meatball. It tasted like something that had died a slow and painful death under a sink two years ago. It had a distinct texture of sand and tasted like a fungus of some kind. Flat out not edible.

2) The meatballs were straight up frozen on the inside.

Just rock hard. I do not get how that happens. I don't get how that gets served. Needless to say, my friend flagged the waiter down and explained the situation.

Now, whenever something went wrong at the pizza place, I would usually take the blame. Even if it wasn't my fault, it was an unspoken law that you just don't throw someone under the bus if they fucked up. The cooks have enough to worry about, and while it IS their fault, you've become the face of the place and it's your fault. That's just how things are. Until our waiter took a stand.

"Are you serious? I'm sorry, Our chef is just fucking terrible tonight."

Awkward silence for a few seconds. The waiter clearly realizes he has crossed the unspoken line, and we realize we can't jump on board the hate train, or it could lead to food with several kinds of personal chef liquids inside it. The waiter broke the silence and offered to get him a new meal on the house, which he did, and the meal went on without incident. We tipped the waiter fairly well, because we felt bad and we were impressed with his honestly, but it also taught us to never trust ice cold balls ever again.

Keith's Middle School Journal Entry #3

As a child of two hard working parents I spent many afternoons and weekends with my Nanny. Incase you were wondering my parents were not rich that is what I lovingly refer to my grandmother as. Nanny loved TBS daytime cop dramas and after finding this latest middle school journal entry I realized how much it affected me.

February 18^th, 1993 3:30pm

Officer Briscoe and I have making our normal rounds in the neighborhood when we noticed a group of suspicious high school kids hanging out at the local convenience store. They smelled of smoke and spoke openly of how their leader would score them some good stuff soon. We double back to get a better look at the leader but they had left before we could get a good ID.

February 19^th, 1993 3:42pm

Office Briscoe and I sat outside of the store waiting for the group to return. Office Briscoe got impatient so we went called it a day and returned home.

February 20, 1993 4:15pm

A break in the case, as soon as Office Briscoe and I arrived on the scene a fight broke out between the leader and his second in command. No shots were fired but in the fight a soda was spilled on Office Briscoe’s coat. He was so mad, all he had to do was bare his teeth and the fight was over. Every one got out of there in a rush. It was a successful day.

February 23, 1993 3:24pm

I have spent the past three days in hiding because the leader of the gang knows where I live. It was a rookie mistake but I forgot to check behind me when I was walking home from school. I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything turns out okay.

February 25, 1993 4:00pm

Office Briscoe was killed in the line of duty today. I arrived home from school to find my partner under a white blanket in the backyard. My parents wouldn’t go in to details but it was a hit and run by some careless high school students. We buried him behind the shed.

March 12, 1993 12:32

My parents surprised me with an early birthday gift! I got a new dog; I think I will name him D.A. Macoy. But don’t think this means I will forget Office Briscoe; he was the best Westie ever.