...with Vincent Price!

At last night's show we performed Party Quirks where Billy did a fantastic job of guessing his party guest Vincent Price, who was played by Keith. Since I'm always in the Halloween mood of spooks and chills during the entire month of October, I did some surfing of youtube to see what I could find. To the success of my wanderings I stumbled upon this gem of Vincent Price reading Poe's The Pit and the Pendulum.





If you're a fan of Vincent Price you can see him in some classics such as The Bat, House On Haunted Hill, The Last Man On Earth, and even Edward Scissorhands. They are all worth your time, in my opinion, but that doesn't really count does it?

I hope everyone has a Safe and Happy Halloween this year. Make sure to check your candy for razor blades and sticks of butter!

-Sean

Lizzie's "When Sprinkles Go Bad..."

Sooooooo......for Halloween this year, a few friends from work and I have decided to be the color kids from the Rainbow Brite cartoons (I get to wear a leotard!) We're making all the costumes from scratch so I decided to youtube some old episodes of the cartoon to use as a reference. What I discovered though, was oh so much more than I could have ever dreamed......



BRILLIANCE.

Billy Thinks There's No Comparison

For those living under a rock, currently the World Series pits the New York Yankees against the Philadelphia Phillies. I know, I'm sure I've already lost many readers based primarily on the fact that I've mentioned baseball in this post, but I hope you stick around, or at least tell your sensible baseball loving friends about this blog so they can check it out. New York and Philadelphia are not that far away from each other, and in sports and in life, it seems that they are always rivals. In football, in baseball, in pure level of obnoxiousness by the people who live there, in food, and in entertainment. Both cities have their qualities and their downsides, but if you're actually going to try and tell me that Philly is better than NYC you're crazy. I have some reasons that I'd like to share with, I hope you agree.

New York has great eateries. You can get great slices of pizza at that classic NYC pizza hot spot, Sbarro's. Try the stromboli's.

Philly is famous for their cheesesteaks, but the irony is that the best cheesesteak is actually in Red Bank at a place called Willy's. Go ahead, Philly lovers, climb off your high horses and fight me on that one. You're wrong. Jim's is great, I'm not knocking it. But it doesn't top Willy's. That's a fact.

In NYC, you can drive down any rode and feel like you're on a roller coaster. I don't know about you guys but I LOVE roller coasters. And the chance to use one on a daily basis is pretty exciting.

Last call in Philly is 2:30, but alcoholics can go to NYC and drink till 4. NYC cares about the people who matter.

In NYC and the surrounding area they filmed Ghostbusters. In Philly and the surrounding area they filmed The Happening.

I'm not going to top a Ghostbusters reference, so I'm just gonna call it a night.

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "How to successfully avoid "Trick or Treaters" while keeping your personal dignity intact"

Here is my guide to all home-owners out there that want to enjoy Halloween but not have their homestead defiled by a bunch of pimply seventh graders. All the while still holding on to the best candy.

7)Practice archery on your front lawn

Serves anyone right if they walk on to you range without announcing themselves, they need to spend more time at summer camp.

6)Leave signs that read "caution skunk farm"

It is entirely up to you if you really have a skunk or not.

5)Offer unicef boxes

I hated charity as a child so I can only imagine what the children of today feel about giving.

4)Go super realistic and scary like halloween is your life.

Parents are always wary to send their children into a house that actually looks like a haunted mansion because what wacko takes a kids holiday that seriously.

3)Offer homemade biscuits

Every parent has warned their children not to accept anything homemade or in a package and you at least offered something to them. (This rule does not apply in the South)

2)Roast a pig on your front porch.

Nothing goes better with a roasted pig then homemade biscuits. (This rule does not apply in Montana)

1)Offer pennies

Abraham Lincoln's profile has mocked Trick or Treaters for decades and does not look like he is slowing down now.

I hope everyone has a safe and healthy Halloween; save me your Necko Waffers, YUM!

Ryan and the Stars of Destiny

For any of you to understand this, I must ask if you are familiar with the video game Suikoden that was put out YEARS ago for playstation 1. if you do, please continue - if you don't....go make me a sandwich.

anywho, in this game - the main premise is to "find" the 108 stars of destiny - the 108 characters that you need to find to have a complete game. after taking a look at this game for a bit - I noticed that the "stars" all look a little different than the others in the game. they always have some attribute that makes them stick out, whether it be their outfits or the size of their head.

if Suikoden were a real game, I now understand that all of my "stars of destiny" could be located all in one place...Walmart.

I found 5 yesterday. The young boy in the "incredibles" costume with the "incredible" spirit, the woman in the witch skirt with too much makeup who would sing to us in order to boost morale, confused grandma with her magic healing potions, the man with the face that gave the impression he was smelling an endless fart who would humor us all, and the security guard who was too busy gathering carts to direct traffic.

So now, as I drive home from Philadlephia, searching for my stars across state borderlines, I encourage you to run out and find at least ONE star of destiny today. It will change your life forever. I promise.

Let's All Go To The Movies...

Everyone loves movies, from the youthful 3 year-old to the walking dust elder of yesteryear. Movies are a part of all of our lives in some ways or another. Fun fact, the reason for so many low budget movies in the 1930s, due to fall of the stock market creating the Great Depression, was the need to keep people hopeful in the tough times with some entertainment and uplifting stories for a nickel.

You may say to your friends, "Hey Gang, let's all go to the movies!" Let's face it everyone, the dark ages are upon us again and we could use some cheering up from mall cops and animated houses floating away. Just remember when it all gets too happy go lucky that's when Paranormal Activity is there to push you down to the ground, and possibly under it too.

Now, I wanted to share a few movies that I can't wait to go see in the next upcoming months because the movie industry is having some financial trouble getting some new scripts. So recycling and going green with already written scripts of the past is the new black!







Just can't wait to see this version of Mary Poppins in Spring of 2010!

-Sean

Billy's Electricity Bill Is Going UP

Alright, so I pride myself on being someone that doesn't get scared by movies most of the time. I might jump at a jump scene, but for the most part I just don't get freaked out. Sometimes I wish I did, but most of the time I'm glad I don't have that stress. I also like to look tough and I don't wanna make a jackass out of myself in front of friends and strangers. I had been going well with that for years, and last week a movie came along and not only destroyed my streak of being freaked out in theaters, but obliterated the simple joys in life, like sleeping full nights, not having nightmares, and having the lights off at night.

Thanks, Paranormal Activity.

I will not be giving spoilers here, so fear not. I know several of my friends and most of HDO has yet to see this, so I don't want to ruin things. The basic premise is looking for paranormal activity in a house that a woman thinks she's being haunted in. Pure frickin terror ensues. Let me explain how this affected me since then.

• On the ride home from the movie I needed movie blasting and it needed to be really upbeat to keep me distracted. Thanks, Hall And Oates.
• I keep my basement lights on when I sleep, since ghosts clearly can't pass through rooms with light bulbs.
• I avoid a certain bathroom late at night since it's not as lit and there's a chance that when I leave the bathroom something terrible will happen to me. Maybe the ghost would just push me back into the bathroom and take away the air fresheners. I'm telling you, these things mean frickin business.
• The first few nights after the movie, anytime I closed my eyes I had specific visuals from the movie stuck in my head, so now I have to sleep with my eyes open. It's really freaking out my family.
• It's making me look at Ghostbusters differently. Guys, ghosts are NOT a laughing matter.

Thanks for trying to ruin sleep, bowel movements and Peter Venkman for me, Paranormal Activity. You're a real bitch.

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "How you know you have a case of the Monday's (Mondays suck)

I am writing this to you at 6am on a Monday morning on my blackberry while stuck in traffic. Just once I would like to hear an unlike story of why someone was not ready to face the world on a Monday morning. Here are the top seven that I came up with while waiting for a tractor trailer full of pillows to mock me, I mean pass me.

7) You are still drunk from Friday night.

6) You are still in prison.

5) You were supposed to be in work 2 hours ago but instead you just woke up and started blogging.

4) You spent the entire weekend in a mascots costume at a Furry convention and the zipper is stuck.

3) You spent the night at the local police station filling out paper work after the 13 citizens' arrests you made on the local teenage riffraff at the 7-11.

2) You spent the entire weekend in a Pickachu costume at a Pokemon convention and the zipper is stuck.

1) You stayed up all night building a time machine after a fever induced dream where you found the equation that could move you through time and space, successfully time travel only to realize that you time traveled back to Hiroshima the Monday morning before they dropped the A-bomb on your head.

Note to self: hobo's don't have mondays.

Ryan and the Week in Review

The week had a rough start to it, my friends. A rough start INDEED.

As my "tender mate's" 98 Ford Escort headed for the parkway entrance, the car began to emit smoke from under the hood. Kory and I pulled over - only to discover that neither of us knew what we were looking at. All we knew was that we were going to miss our hair appointment - not at Supercuts or a local Barber shop - but at an establishment called "All Dolled Up".

So we paced back and forth, discussing how we would die if this were a horror movie, and then recognizing the severity of the situation and quickly snapped into action. We called my father. We figured his mustache would know what to do. We called the work line and asked for Mike Barry, saying that "this is his son, Ryan". As we waited, I began to joke out loud and said "Hi, I'm calling for Mike Barry. This is his son, Barbie." As the joke ran for a moment or two, I suddenly hear "...I can HEAR you."

I believe it was at this moment Mike Barry understood that everything he had instilled into my two other brothers clearly did not stick with me. I could not inform him if the radiator hose was broken, or if the transition fluid was leaking. I could only think about one thing - paranormal activity. Mike instructed me to feel the liquid, and I did so - it was red brown. After telling him this, my father said "oh, yeah, something must have broke off the tranny". I laughed a HEARTY laugh, because clearly we have two different definitions of the meaning. We called for a tow, and we were taken to Precision Auto where the woman who assisted us looked like Jerri Blank*. her idea of small talk was claiming that the weather was so bad because we were "messing with the moon".

We left immediately.

So now, one car down and "All Dolled Up" off the list, the weekend began.

I worked on Saturday and catered to a loud, italian New Yorker who felt she needed to scream everything AT people in order to get her point across. She was obnoxious to the point where even customers asked her the kindly shut up. But karma reared its beautiful head into her life when she accidentally sprayed cologne into her young sons eyes. He said "I hate you" and ran out of the store. She, of course, SCREAMED at him to rub his eyes until the tears washed away the alcohol. Great plan, you ape fuck.

I made a co-worker cry. Not because I asked her what it was like to come to America in a tire on the salty seas, but because I told her that her folds weren't pretty.

My friend and I hid a decapitated Beanie Baby in the store as a welcome gift for our new boss. But not before covering it in fake blood from the Halloween store.

Grey's Anatomy has become so unbearable, I've created a drinking game. Any time the doctors act unprofessional, you drink. Good luck making it to 9:24 pm. I dare you.


Until next time.

Make wise decisions.



* if you don't know who Jerri Blank is, Google image it NOW.

Sean's "How You Know The Terrorists Have Won" Thursday

Ever hear the term at the end of a sentence "the terrorists have won"? I know I have heard it for a few things here and there for such things as cigarettes, downloading music, and donating to your local Al Qaeda fund at Shop Rite. I have compiled a list of subjects that will conclude "how you know know the terrorists have won". Let's begin shall we.

You know the terrorists have won when your favorite Arby's is run by children that used to work in a sweatshop.

You know the terrorists have won when you're given guns and ammunition after you pass through the airport metal detector.

You know the terrorists have won when your Henna tattoo says "I did it for the Jihad" with a nice flower design to compliment it.

You know the terrorists have won when a Woman becomes President. (Oooo talk about tasteless Sean)

You know the terrorists have won when Zombies are not frightening to you anymore.

You know the terrorists have won when your fear of sock puppets has subsided and you can't remember how that happened so quick.

You know the terrorists have won when your American Flag has been changed Red, White & Blue to Neon Green and Hot Pink (kinda like a watermelon color scheme).

You know the terrorists have won when corn on the cob is now gravel on a stick.

You know the terrorists have won when your pets pray multiple times a day.

Finally, you know the terrorists have won when you can't find a Bruce Springsteen, John Mellencamp and a Willie Nelson album at Jack's Music in Red Bank, NJ.

This blog post is dedicated to Jeff Foxworthy.

-Sean

Lizzie's Gonna Dress You Up!

Hey kiddos!

So now is about that time when one should be thinking about their Halloween costume (although I've been planning mine for two years). But sometimes it can be very difficult to find inspiration. I mean, no one wants to walk into a party as the fourth guy in an Obama mask (Ryan already called dibs on that costume!). So what else is there to do? Well never fear my little squirt nuggets! Lizzie has come to your aid with some simple (but clever) costume ideas!

1) Peeping Tom: Just wear your regular clothes, but get a "Hi my name is..." sticker and write "Tom". Then make a little window, complete with curtains, and creepily look at everyone through it. This is a sure fire way to get a date by the end of the night.

2) Killing Time: Carry around some clocks and a fake knife. Then every so often...stab the clocks...unmercifully.

3) Joey Gladstone: Wear an obnoxious Hawaiian shirt and just keep telling everyone to "cut it out" complete with hand gestures. For a more extreme look, try and find a beaver puppet.

4) Sex: Now this is a group costume. This also requires using your imagination and creativity when it comes to how you want the costumes to look. Basically, one person dresses like a giant condom, one dresses like a giant egg, and then the rest of your buddies paint themselves all white as sperm! One sperm can even wear a first place medal!

5) Werewolf: Just wear your regular clothes and tell people you're a werewolf. If they ask why you have no fur, explain to them that it's not a full moon....duh.

6) Blessing in Disguise: Wear a trench coat, a hat, and sunglasses. Then make a beauty queen sash with the words "Bless you" on it. I wear that outfit every time I go to a bar or to bingo night!

7) Booze Hound: Dress like a dog and carry a bottle of alcohol. If you wanna get really into it, sniff everyone's butts.

8) Helicopter Dance Off: Tape a pinwheel to the top of your head, carry around an old school boom box (yeah that's right...a boom box) and a cardboard square, then drop the square in front of unsuspecting competitors and shout "IT'S ON!"

Well I hoped those ideas help you as we embark on another fun-filled Halloween! And remember my little doves...don't eat candy if there is a razor blade in it....or if it was handed to you by Keith.

Always hold hands when you cross the street!
-Love Lizzie

1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY SHOW!

Hello to all of our loyal blog readers! HDO would like to invite you to our 1 Year Anniversary show tonight, Wednesday Oct. 14th, 2009 at the Inkwell in Long Branch, NJ.

It has been a quick year since we first started performing together and we would like to share the moment of celebration with all of our friends and your friends too. So come out for a night of fun, laughter and hi-jinks from your favorite dancing helicopters of improv.

Our show tonight starts at 8:30pm and is FREE as always. Please come with a guest to share a joyous night of comedy with us. We will see you there!

Where:
Inkwell
665 2nd Ave.
Long Branch, NJ

-HDO

Billy Loves(But Is Confused By) Drinking Games

I think there are many different kinds of drinkers in the world. You have casual drinkers, serious drinkers, social drinkers, sleep drinkers, drink drinkers, awake drinkers. People will find a reason or an occasion to drink just about any moment of the day. I can appreciate that, sometimes a good drink is just what the doctor ordered after a long time. Especially my doctor, Dr. Jack Daniels.

*hold for applause*

I go through phases, but I'd say usually I'm a social drinker. I never drink alone, mostly because of that whole, "I have a soul and respect for myself" thing, and I usually aim to stay at a place where the next day I remember everything that happened to me while I was drinking, because of that whole "I like brain cells and memories" thing. When it gets to be a night where people want to play drinking games, there are nights when I'm in the mood, and nights where I just can't be bothered.

Drinking games to me, in their simplest forms, are a stall. Maybe that's what's best. You need to wait till you get the ball in the cup, flip your cup, get the right card, lose a race, hear the right word on TV, or get the fourth king in the deck. These are fun events to get people together and social. I can respect them. The people that HATE drinking games, are the ones I don't understand and I think should seek some help. If you're worried that you waiting 20 seconds to take sips or chugs of your beer is going to damage your buzz and ruin your night you need some serious help, and maybe you need to step up your skills. Either way, switch to soda while you find the assistance you need, and I'll hold your beer, I just sunk the last cup. Thanks.

HDO supports alcoholics everywhere.

Keith's Top One Midnight Dojo Fights (because Monday doesn't start until there is sometime of Kung Fu)

Keith's Reactions from the Blonde who was serving bacon wrapped shrimp at the fictional wedding of Tim and Rebecca

Shannon and Troy (best man) are outside the reception hall smoking cigarettes.

Shannon: That was quiet a speech in there, please tell me you were drunk when you wrote that.

Troy: Baby, I am always drunk but sober enough for some lovin'

Troy drunkly shifts over to put his arm around Shannon and Shannon easily moves down the ledge and Time falls on his face.

Shannon: You need to calm yourself down there cowboy this isn't college anymore.

Troy: I know, I know, I just have problems with transitions.

Shannon: Well if you ever need help you could always call me. But you need to be sober.

Troy: Let me get my blackberry out.

Shannon: Yeah... about that, I am an iPHONE kind girl. So....

Troy gets to his feet. He swaying back and forth.

Troy: Deal is off you freak.

Shannon: WOW, relax it was a joke!

Troy swings his fist to punch Shannon in the face, again Shannon moves quickly out of the way, kicks Troy in the testicles and picks up his phone. Troy passes out and Shannon quickly dials something into the key pad. Troy wakes up from the buzzing of his phone in his pocket. He quickly realizes he is in the back of a police car.

Troy: What the hell happened

Officer: You ruined everyones night, drunky. Can you please answer that phone it's been buzzing since I picked you up.

Troy takes his blackberry out of his pocket and reads the first text message.

Sent from: Shannon

You throw a punch like my grandmother. Hope your Blackberry gets reception in jail.

Shannon.

Sent from my iPHONE

Sean's Response as the Groom, Tim, to Keith's Blackberry Best Man Speech

Since I did read Keith's Blackberry Best Man Speech, I would like to give the response as Tim, the groom, that chose Keith as his Best Man.

Well.....that was a very formal speech.....I ugghhh.....I'm at a loss for words right now. Ummm, Rebecca and I did have our first child making session in my Jetta and yes she is the only one I've ever had sex with. I was actually unaware that the balcony had a VIP view of all that. It's nice to know that we could all find that out together, including Grandma Perkins. (nervous wipe of sweat beading up on Tim's forehead)

Well ughh, ummm since we're on the topic I think we should all know that the Best Man is a dishonest human being that has lost many bets in Atlantic City as well as the various horse tracks in the tri-state area. He is currently in about $50,000 debt and I have no intention of trying to help him in anyway with the money you all have graciously gifted to Rebecca and I today.

I may be a one-man woman but I must say Becca is the only lay I want to pound into the early morning. As for the Best Man, I would like say that my iPhone is much more efficient, and more friendly to my fingertips that your little one testicle roller ball. I'm actually recording this whole speech on my Voice Memos so I do not have to ever type any notes on my iPhone forever. Suck it!!!!

Happy Monday

Keith's Blackberry Best Man Speech

I was inspired, after reading Sean's blog (I didn't actually read it I just saw the title but I get where he was going) to write a horrifically bad best man speech. By the way if anyone needs to rent this out I will leave an annotated bibliography for legal copywriting.

Welcome friends, relatives and that hot blonde caterer in the back handing out the bacon wrapped shrimp. The same girl whose number I got on my new Blackberry. I am glad to see you all here on this quiet a joyous occasion, my best friend Tim, is now married to the first girl he had sex with in college. I would know because I watched from the balcony as they did it in his Jetta. Now stop right there, I know what you are thinking, Rebecca! The very same Rebecca that sits in front of us tonight in a beautiful dress and make up, looking almost as good as her sister, was a ho?! She was quiet the promiscuous one but once she met Tim she calmed down... PSYCHE! Just kidding she really did calm down or DID SHE !!! OOOOHHHHH! No all joking aside she calmed down. That brings me to the point of this little speech, they have both changed each other in magical ways, like a fairy or a unicorn. They were tiny little green ass caterpillars that went into their cocoons and came out a married couple. That was a metaphor, hold let me write that down on my notepad function of my Blackberry. At first I was pissed that Tim was getting married because that means he isn't going to be able to do that awesome shit we used to do but whatever I am over it. I am just thankful they went with my recommendation of an open bar. I wrote this speech on my new Blackberry, have you seen how fast it is yet?

Happy Sunday.

Sean's Imaginary Best-Man Wedding Speech

So I went to a wedding for my two friends, Dave and Caitlin, this afternoon at Allaire State Park. I got to see some faces that I haven't gotten the chance to gawk at in public, as well as some parents of some of those friendly faces that I haven't gotten the chance to gawk at in public. The whole ceremony and traditions of a wedding can be, how do you say- repetitive. So through all my observations for the day there was one small thing that showed where someone could break out from the customs. Now, we've seen it in countless movies and those bad porn plot talking pictures, but I would like to share my speech as a Best-Man for the groom in my imaginary wedding experience.

Hello everyone, I'm glad we could all make it out today to witness Peter and Deb's day they tied the knot. I've known Peter since we were kids, throwing rocks in the pond off of Susan Dr. so we could see how many skips each of us could get, hanging out at the local roller rink throwing our gum at the bathroom ceiling, and when we used to skip school at least two days a week to hang out at Old Man Skip's house. I can remember all the times Old Man Skip would show us how to sharpen scissors, he would always just pull out a pair from the right pocket of his jeans flawlessly. He must have told us how to do that at least six times a day, Peter. I digress, I know, let's talk about this happy couple.

I remember the first time Peter told me of Deb. She sounded like another one of Peter's, fuck 'em and leave 'em fucks like usual, but there seemed to be a twinkle in his eye when he talked about Deb. In fact, that twinkle was a few bits of silver glitter that Deb wore because, how she explained it, everything looks better with glitter. I couldn't agree more with Deb :wink wink:!

So the two of them kept getting it on for awhile, moved in with each other, they both lost their jobs, we're collecting unemployment and living off of food stamps, they pawn almost half of their belongings, they make no effort to find a job, their unemployment runs up, their food stamps run out, Deb starts losing teeth, they pawn off the rest of their belongings, Peter can't get rid of this bad rash, the open sores turn into an infection, Deb had to wrap Peter in a sheet and carry him three miles to the hospital, they waited for hours until they could see Peter, they get charity care, they eat out of dumpsters and garbage cans in the park, they asked for a lot of help from others but no one really did anything about it, including myself, and after living in a homeless shelter with no place to go, they finally started to get things together to where you see them today. They found some overnight jobs at the Wal-Mart and it's been uphill ever since.

These two are anything but selfish. They are the definition of true love, through sickness and health, the bad times and the good, that we can lose our jobs and Deb can lose some teeth and make it out on top, or at least what we will accept as the top of what they can get. I like to think to myself that sure Peter could have found someone better, that if he went on with his "fuck 'em and leave 'em fucks" maybe Deb wouldn't have dragged him down so far that they had to give up everything they owned and earned only to wind up in a homeless shelter. But, I digress, I know, let's leave on a good note.

I'm very happy for these two love birds and I'm glad that I could be a special part of their wedding day. I think we can all agree that these people could have done better but they fit just enough to get married. So raise your glasses everyone and let's wish Peter and Deb a merry wedding day full of love and good cheer. Peter, remember you can always do better...seriously.

-Sean

Billy Would Rather Toss Your Stuff In The Lake

There are some jobs that I don't understand why people have them. I can appreciate that sometimes it's a worst case scenario, a fallback job off a fallback off a fallback job. I get that, I get that certain horror stories of careers aren't necessarily the profession that these people went to school for. That being said, I can't imagine certain people doing a job for more than a day and thinking: "I'm really looking forward to waking up every day for the next 40 years and doing this." I added one to my list yesterday, when I had to spend a full day off helping several families on my Mom's side move. A lot of house switching, and house emptying, with people going to so many different places I'm not going to confuse you with the specifics. Needless to say, this is the reason the word "clusterfuck" was invented, and this is the reason why I can't imagine anyone would open a business where ALL YOU DO is help other people move.

It all started in the classic way, with me discovering that my assistance was needed, "For at the MOST, three hours." But that's the classic time period that any parent would give. Really, if three hours pass and you're still working, what the parent expects you to do is to forget that that statement was ever made at all. Their estimate was off, the job is continuing, and parents do not make mistakes, so any reference of the three hour promise will be met by confused looks, rolling eyes and a request to help them carry a king size mattress down a flight of stairs.

It doesn't help that one particular family in this series of moving is the messiest of any family I have ever seen. Those houses you see on talk shows, where certain people want an intervention because of the sloppy way their friends are living their lives? My aunt and uncle's house is in the inspiration for this. It's a disaster. They hired a cleaning crew last week, and the woman went in to inspect the house and nearly had a coronary. She had never seen a messier house. Last year, when I initially helped them move furniture during a move, I discovered some loose change throughout the house as I cleaned up. I made almost $30. Not a joke. I walked out of that house with my pants jingling so much I sounded like a piggy bank.

So when you have to move a house worth of crap into a truck, move a lifetime's supply of furniture into another truck, rearrange another house to fit mattresses and chairs through doors that they weren't meant to fit into, you start to wonder something. Are houses necessary? Are BEDS necessary? How much do you REALLY need couches, or chairs, or kitchen tables? Really, not at all. I find the whole thing now to be just a disgusting display of materialism. It's almost as if we're taunting these houses by tossing these interchangeable objects from one location to the other, stressing and breaking backs and sweats just so we can remind each other of all the sweet JUNK you've accumulated over the years. I will never help anyone move ever again. And I will never move ever again, because I don't want to put anyone through that kind of pain. I gotta go tell my parents about how I'm staying. I'll be right back.





They took it really well.

Ryan and the Week in Review

Hey, you lopsided dildos!

It's the week in review time!!!

First off - thanks Walmart for selling me that 24 pack of Miller Lite and the BBGun. At the same time. And despite the fact that the check out girl glared at me, like she knew this was a bad idea, I appreciate her oath of silence. Like that time I bought lube and threw in a pack of gum just to make it a little LESS weird. But I think I ruined it when she asked me "are you 18?" and I replied with "you don't need to be 18 to chew gum".

I told a few people I worked with that the Perkins on Route 35 burned down. I'm not sure why. Maybe just bored. it got out of control when one girl texted her mom who then e-mailed her husband. All i could think was that this girl was going to drive passed the "charred Perkins" only to find a gaggle of people walking in. Another girl said that all her best memories of high school took place in that perkins and that she was genuinely sad. I never bothered to tell either of them that it was just a joke.

As I prepared myself dinner the other night, the cabinet drawer behind me opened on its own. my house has always had a slight case of the "ghosties". I went into my room and almost cried as I stuffed my face with chicken.

On a conference call this week, I was asked to give a rundown of the update in my store. i started off by saying (in my most sensual voice) "Hi...you're on with Ryan on Lite FM" to which nobody laughed. I expect a call from human resources any day now.

Speaking of radio shows, on my way home from virginia, i was listening to Dawson Mcallister, who basically gives out advice for entertainment purposes. he does not have a license to do so. Anywho, during one call, a young man said that he had been out drinking with friends, casually drinking - but his one friend was just throwing them back, pounding one beer after another. A few hours later, Chugs looks over to his friends with his sleepy eyes and says "You guys are my friends. You get to die quick". Dawson suggested approaching Chugs and saying "hey man, not cool!" My advice: RUN BITCH, RUN!

Billy's mom swallows.


UNTIL NEXT TIME!

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Seven Reasons Why You Might Be Addicted To Ice Cream (This one is for the Dairy Queen ie Ryan)"

A tasty treat to enjoy on a steamy summer day or a hellish ride through an animal's frozen byproduct. Ice cream can make you smile or cry or smile and cry depending on if you are ICED. Iced is an industry term for Ice Cream Addiction. Here is my blog to find out if you or your loved ones are addicted.

7)They you know by name at Cold Stone Cremery

Clerk: "Oh, hey Tom. Back for you fifth cookies and cream swirl today?"

Tom: "Don't judge me."

6) You start replace the name of colors with ice cream flavors when describing things.

If this is you I would suggest steering clear of ethnic neighborhoods.

5) You hide ice cream around the house, car or place of buisness.

I once met a man so addicted to ice cream he would hide it in his suit pockets and on hot days he would look like he was sweeting from his nipples. I call him Dad.

4) You take board up you house with guns and food while declaring yourself the king of cream.

That man held out for 3 weeks before the police or rescue people could get into the house. What they found there was not a pretty scene, in fact he had dyed part of his white dog black then cut off it's legs. The dogs name was Napoleon.

3) You name all of you children like Ben and Jerry name ice cream.

My favorites include Fudge Peanut Butter Carol, Cherry Garcia and Tin Roof Sundae.

2) Your tear are no longer saline water but mint chocolate chip.

It's a funny visual.

1) You call out to "Fudgey the Whale" during intercourse.

The girlfriend will be pissed and confused because she will not be sure if you called her fat or if you just don't share with her because she never knew you had some weird animal fetish. Either way it will be a fun filled night for all!

Now that we have covered addiction we can move onto more fun topics like spousal abuse

Sean Like Words That Are Used The Wrong Way Thursday

I would like to share with you loyal readers a game I like to play from time to time. This particular game is, the use of a different word that sounds like the word you should be using game. I have come up with a random amount of these phrases over time and I've learned to forget ultimately every single one. So here is my attempt at pleasing your bellies with chuckles and possibly causing a headache or two.

Instead of Urn use the word Urinal.

"I damn near drank a whole urinal of coffee today."
"They put my grandfather's ashes in the urinal after he was cremated."

Instead of Refrigerator use the word Defibrillator.

"Yeah just make sure that defibrillator is right nice cold. Don't skunk my beers!"
"Don't you unplug my defibrillator, don't you unplug it!"
"What's wrong with keeping bread in your defibrillator? It keeps it fresh while making it last longer.

Instead of Sarcophagus use the word Esophagus.

"They opened up King Tut's esophagus in front of all the museum guests."

Instead of E-mail use the word She-Male.

"I didn't get your she-male that you sent me. Just resend it, Kenny."
"I'm really glad all she-male accounts are free!"
"Check your she-male, there is a new virus everyone is talking about."

There you have it. Now, go out and start thinking of all the other words you could substitute for the correct ones to create a completely incorrect sentence for others to hear. It's a great time I assure you...I assure you.

-Sean