Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Seven Signs of the Impending Apocalypse" (The Mayan Doom clock is set to 4 minutes before Quesadilla)

Every time you turn on the news (Fox) they are constantly discussing the end of the world. They believe the end is going to come when a man and a man and a midget get married on top of a melting glacier. I think the end of the world will come because western society sucks.

7)Fried Oreos.

As godly as a deep fried, funnel cake battered Oreo sounds. It will be the downfall of humankind. It begins with battered baked goods and it ends with chocolate covered hamburgers baked into a cheese cake (a coronary wrapped in a bigger coronary). Oh my God, I need to go ....

6)Labiaplasty.

First there was a boob job then there was "mommy make overs". Now for all the women who hate their vaginas there is labiaplasty. Vanity will be the down fall of western society. Thats why they call it bumping uglies.

5)Smoking fetish.

People and their fetishes gross me out. I can understand bondage, orgies and the occasional golden shower but smoking. I watch a 34 minute long video the other night of a women smoking and talking, naked. Why? I really don't get it. This one really doesn't have to do with the end of the world it just makes me want the end to come quicker.

4)Twitter.com

As a promotional tool it is fantastic but the liberal media is using it to take us out of our physical lives to endlessly commentate on what is going on around us while the world passes us by. Nobody cares what kinda of waffles you ate this morning or how shit faced you got at a Dave Matthew's concert last night. While the bombs are dropping I will be reading about people faces melting off 3 seconds before mine does the same.

3)Children’s cellphones

Why would a child under the age of 16 need a cellphone? Spending all day attached to their iPHONEs or blackberrys they are going to become mindless zombies with giant thumbs who will surely swarm the planet and take over when the dead finally rise.

2)Deep v neck shirts for men

Hipsters and drug addicts rejoice, fashion has begun to make you feel better about your emaciated appearances. People who set the trends set the size of impressionable teenagers waste lines and with these new shirts that show off the nothingness of their insides. People will start dropping like flies to fit into a deep v. Literally the neck line starts at the navel, why don't they just wear a vest.

1)Bad-Dragon.com (content not safe for work)

The number one reason why the world will come to an end sooner then later is the fact that there is a website that sells "approximations of mythical reptilian phalluses" or as the kids are calling it these days, dragon dildos. That's right for all the women and gay men who grew up with Harry Potter or the Lord of the Rings and always wondered what it would be like to have an giant fire breather's wang inside of them don't have to wonder any more.

Check back next week for my top seven recipes for Ryan's Grandma's Muffins