Ryan Thanks D.C.

Ok Tit Mongrols!

My older brother Mike is getting married. CLAP IT UP, ASSHOLES! Anywho, for his bachelor party, his friends and brothers went down to D.C. for a weekend of fun and because it was SUCH a good time, I just wanted to take a moment to say thanks to everyone who made it grand!

Thank you hotel room - for letting us hide beef jerky in you.

thank you hotel bell hop - for not yelling at us when we stole your suitcase cart.

thank you gay mexicans - who hit on me at 2 in the morning as I ate pizza.

thank you ugly girl who threw her packet of cigarettes at me. if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have drunkenly accused you of being "the sole inspiration for the shrek ogre" I also wouldn't have been able to tell everyone that you were only capable of lactating from one nipple. and thank you for letting me push you into the street.

thank you "d.c. annie mad t.v." - for giving me one more contact in my cellphone. I still have no idea who you are but am tempted to call you.

thank you Mike, Tim and Greg - for passing out by the pool and staying out there til 6 in the morning so that I could have a bed all to myself. that was very generous of you.

thank you SANDLOT (the movie) for teaching me how to play baseball and not look like a total girl. only a half a girl.

thank you gay night at Old Glory for serving me more long island iced teas than a person should consume.

but most of all, THANK YOU MIKE BARRY for picking me up off the bathroom floor after i vomitted up said long island iced teas.

but I would like to APOLOGIZE to the maintenance man. I didn't mean to say "you're not the male escort I ordered". you were just trying to fix our air conditioner, and I was...getting blackout.


THANK YOU D.C.!


later dudes.

Keith's Top Eight of the Week (Letters, Hurray! or Etymology is the fancy way to say you are literate)

Letters are important to our daily written communication, they are in fact the building blocks to it. This week I delve deep into my top eight letters and explain why I love each and everyone. As an added bonus I hid a message in my post this week so see if you can figure it out and you will get a prize when I return...

8)V

V is great because it sounds like you are saying Weeee but you are not. It is also great for Vendetta.

7)A

So solid is this letter that it said "Screw you" too all of the other letters and stood alone in it's own word.

6)C

Rumor has it that this letter was not developed by man but was given to us by angels. All of my favorite words start with this letter like Clark, Cook, and Cram.

5)A

This letter is so powerful it emailed me and demanded that I put it on the list twice or it would kill my family.

4)T

T is the "glue" the holds this crazy family of letters together. Much like my aunt Susan, let's just hope T doesn't have a mental breakdown, disappear and turn up a week later under the over pass of Route 46 eating beans from a garbage can.

3)I

I is beautiful in it's singularity and it stands tall. Try writing a paragraph with out the letter "i" see what happens.

2)O

Ooooo, ooooooooo, ooooooooooooooo, oooooooooooooo, oooo, oooooo.

1)N

N gets the number one spot this week because there are a lot of great N-words out there. There have been some great N-words through out history. Many of them have changed the way people spoke. Many people in the South still to this day shy away from N-words because of the hard consonant sound. But N-words are going to be around for a long time so people should just get used to say words that start with the letter N.

Did you figure out the secret message! Write it on a scrap of paper and send it too me via the carrier pigeon. Tune in next week when we return to the normal format of just a top seven but its my seven digit password to my bank account.

Lizzie's Hardcore Moment of the Week: Turtle Attempts Vehicular Homicide

So this Thursday in NJ's very own Morris Township, a 17 year old girl saved a poor defenseless turtle from the middle of the road while driving home. With the intention to have a new pet, the girl decided to take the turtle into the car with her. What she didn't know was that her new passenger was actually A MOTORIST'S WORST NIGHTMARE!!!!

The turtle, obviously a skilled hitchhiker and wanted assailant, proceeded to crawl up the teen driver's leg. This frightened the girl for fear that the turtle was looking for more than just a free ride, causing her to lose control of her vehicle and crash into a tree!

According to Detective O'Shea, the victim luckily suffered only minor injuries while the turtle walked away completely unharmed. The girl faces a summons for careless driving....but the turtle is still in custody for attempted molestation charges.

This story will also be aired next week on the new television drama "To Catch a Reptile".

Jokes from Jay

Here are some jokes I wrote:

An anonymous person is trying to sell video of Vice President Joe Biden’s daughter, Ashley, allegedly snorting cocaine earlier this month. Vice President Biden said, “I’m outraged and don’t get paid as much as you think.”

103 countries had classified documents from government organizations hacked into by a Chinese cyber spy network. Not all bad news though, each hacked document was left with several lucky numbers and a good fortune.

The principal of a Connecticut middle school has banned physical contact—including hugs—between students. The announcement came just hours after the principal witnessed one of the most crippling cootie attacks ever recorded.

Kentucky Fried Chicken has offered to fill potholes nationwide as long as they can stencil their logo on the repairs. KFC is happy with its plan saying “It’s a rare occurrence when we can fill something up and not make it sick.”

A New Jersey couple suffered minor injuries after a vulture crashed through the windshield of their minivan last Friday. Police are still wondering how Bernie Madoff managed to escape from prison.

Medical experts see the tobacco tax in the middle of a recession as a great incentive to help smokers quit. Smokers see the tax as a great incentive to start drinking.

“High School Musical 3” won best movie at Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards on Saturday. Further proof that kids shouldn’t be allowed to vote.

Environmentalists are hailing worldwide Earth Hour on Saturday as a success. A success followed by the greatest power surge in years.

Police in Massachusetts arrested a woman for shoplifting merchandise from a Macy’s using her three-year-old daughter’s stroller. Police became suspicious when they noticed the baby wearing 2 bras and a Crock-Pot.

The White House will publicly release three internal memos outlining torture techniques approved by the Bush administration against al Qaeda detainees. The three memos are the last to be recorded on paper after George Bush insisted on making the switch to Etch A Sketch.

A new federal report shows that nearly all of Hawaii’s native birds are in danger of becoming extinct. To solve the problem researchers have stopped placing bird sanctuaries inside volcanoes.

The science fiction thriller “Knowing,” starring Nicholas Cage, topped the weekend box office with $24.8 million. In other news, AIG executives recently dedicated $24.8 million into researching the use of Nicholas Cage.

The nation’s first lingerie football league held tryouts in Massachusetts on Friday and will host its first game in September. A huge turnout is expected including celebrities, businessmen, and many disappointed Dads.

 

Classic.

Just think that one of the guys from Mr. Show is now the voice of Spongebob Squarepants. Hint* it is not Dave or Bob. Imdb.com it!

-Sean

Dr. Miche's Midweek Musings...

Dear HDO Army,

Sorry for my absence, first of all... Bit of a family medical snafu took place two weeks ago, and not to be outdone, I got mysteriously ill myself last week. 3 prescriptions later, I'm now on the mend, and let me first say how much I've missed you all...

awww... group hug!

Anyhoo, after reading some of the posts that have been written in my absence, I think we have to address a certain subject that creeps into our personal dreamworlds from time to time.... Yes, I'm talking about the cameos that result in what I like to call "dream nookie".

by the way, i never really use the term 'nookie' in real life.

Because we're nerds, I often find myself discussing some interesting subjects with the people at work, and once when the subject of dream sex came up, I had a lot of bewildered faces looking at me and a lot of protests stating that this has never ever happened to them.

i know i know.... goddamned liars.

One of them then experienced what he called his first "dream sex" experience a few weeks later which I got to hear about in detail, and the other one proclaimed that I am a "dream slut"for not only having romantic trysts in sleepyville, but admitting so.

harsh, right?

In the past 2 weeks, due to stress, insomnia, and the aforementioned illness, I had some truly whacked-out dreams and many of the scary and unpleasant nature. However, I 2 really interesting cameos show up. One was Bradley Cooper of "The Hangover" fame, and the other was.........
................
Christian Bale.

Christian f-in Bale! If you know me, you know that I have an unnatural love for the moody British actor, and have for quite some time. However, this was the first time he's shown up during a REM cycle...

Kids, they both showed up in happy dreamland on separate occaisions!

But not in the cool way :(

Bradley Cooper (and by the way I hadn't seen "The Hangover" yet) showed up as a border patrol officer in a dream I had about myself and my roommate having to flee to Canada for unknown crimes we'd committed. By the way, my vision of the Canadian border is a wire fence on a beach that you have to climb. On a beach. Which is funny, because I've seen the Canadian border before, and it doesn't look anything like that.

Ask me about the time I almost got arrested by mounties while trying to cross into Quebec at midnight one wintery evening...

Oh, and my dearest love, Christian Bale? I had a dream I had to run a race for charity through what I can only assume was California - and right at the end of it, there he was to greet me...

Directing traffic.

Lame.

I happen to have a dream dictionary that goes into detail as to why certain people show up in your dreams at different times in your life for extracurricular activities.

But nowhere does it mention why you can let co-workers defile you in your sleep, and yet your ultimate ideal fantasy is demoted to an extra.

*Sigh*

While I realize this entire entry should be filed under "too much information" on my part, I've decided that you all are pals of mine. I'm okay with getting personal.

With hobos.

Wishing you all sweet and sultry slumber,
michelle

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Sexual Positions that the Catholic Church has banned from life and the aftelife AKA The Heli-Kama Sutra

Helicopter Dance Off has always been described as a group that has entirely too much passion. Passionate about comedy, passionate about pits, insects, globes, cinnamon and most importantly love making. So this week I have compiled a list of HDO’s favorite love techniques for you reader’s at home to enjoy and try out with a willing, of-age participant. (Edit: the blog has been censored due to the graphic nature of this post.)

7)Two handed Taliban

Number seven this week comes from the the combined minds of Jay and Keith. While they did think of The Two Handed Taliban together this jem has yet to be field tested. Before you get started you want to make sure someone knows what you are doing just incase something goes wrong. (The rest of the paragraph has been deleted)

6)Dirty boom

The Dirty Boom comes from the first girl in the troupe, Michelle “Slums with a Dog or a Millionaire” Shork. When Michelle was asked about how to perform the Dirty Boom she said “Easy, get in a dumpster and (deleted) a hobo.”

5)Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Previously named Transformers: Revenge of the Ballen’, T2 has been a staple in the HKS (Heli-Kama Sutra) for many years. It is the deal breaker. If you can find a mate willing to participate and remain in the relationship with you then you need to hold on to that person for dear life. It is also the initiation into our comedy troupe. First you need to get your closest friends to meet up at a trashy motel. Every one should be wearing a clown mask and Bjork needs to be playing in the background. All of the participants need to have numbers and safe words. Once this is all established T2 may begin. The first hour everyone needs to breath hard and wait. Then once the clock strikes 11:35 it begins. The first person will (deleted), followed quickly by participants two and six to (deleted) with the pillows. Ten minutes after that happens you need to switch participant three off of the digital camcorder and have him do 24 jumping jacks. Have participant 18 stop whistling and take over filming. Participants 5-17 may continue bathing in olive oil. Over the next 3 hours participants will (deleted), (deleted), (deleted) and it wouldn’t be a Judgment Day without (deleted). Once that is all done Participants 3,4 and 5 may score the event using the numbered cards on the nightstand.

4)Stains 3-D

3-D glasses (deleted) like pixar but more (deleted) Sean (deleted) night (deleted) 2 teaspoons of sugar (deleted) backyard (deleted)moon dance.

3)Stinky Leprechaun

Developed by our resident Irishman William O’Coyle. He spent years traveling around Ireland to perfect this delicious potato. Basically you get on a plane, go to Ireland and (deleted) a drunk red head. (note: make sure it is the first one you see because you will be there for a while, just ask Billy.)

2)Flap jack

Very similar to the Awful Waffle of "Salute Your Shorts" fame but you pour the syrup on the (deleted) instead of the stomach and slap it with a (deleted) instead of a tennis racket.

1)Snuggy Wuggy Fuggy your Tuggy

This one can be performed solo or with a partner.(The next two pages have been deleted)

Check back next week when I cover The Top Seven Reasons why Raisins are better than Craisins.

Lizzie's Hardcore Moment of the Week: Ohio Mayor Schools Overweight Kid

So a couple of days ago, word got out that an Ohio mayor broke up a fight that some punk kids were having at a local park. Now yeah this is cool that the mayor took matters into his own hands...but that is NOT what makes this act "hardcore".

What makes this political intervene so unique is that not only did the mayor break up the fight and scold the rough-housing youngsters, but he proceeded to call one kid both the names "tubby" and "fatso". This is the stuff that we need in office people!!

I mean seriously, I don't want some punk ass bitch as my mayor. I want someone who takes the initiative and knows when to bust a cap in an ass, turn up the heat, take some names, disturb civilians, steal a bicycle, take out the trash, or even just bruise a fat kid's spirits. That is what this country needs! So next time you're in Ohio and plan on starting some fisticuffs, just pray you're looking thin and trim or you may just get MAYOR-IZED!!!


(check out the midget running around in the clip!)

Sean's Thursday Driving Words

The first words the come to mind are: "I know it's a work area! I'll give you a brake and slow down! Ohhh GODDD!"

This is the new wave of road enforcement that will catch the nation by storm. If I can quote a famous hip-hop artist while putting another word in place it would be, "COPS ain't shit". I put the word "COPS" in place of the word "Bitches" where the original would have said, "Bitches ain't shit".

This Construction Zone Monster knows how to dish out the threats. Just look at that sinister expression on its highlighting light reflecting KFC bucket of dreams head! Nothing says you are in trouble like that pointing hand of doom. I would and will wet myself from this.

I am going to say this monster is and will be more effective than a smashed up car in front of a high school during the prom time of the end of the school year. Those smashed up cars most likely took a life with them, but this monster will end your life even faster.

I would obey this Construction Zone Monster at all costs.

Remember driving is a privilege, not a right. Also, hulking fluorescent bucket monsters are not going to take no for an answer.

-Shwan Fayvree

Billy Should Say Hello

Jim Gaffigan has a bit in his stand up where he talks about his love of cake, and how even if it's celebrating a birthday at work of someone you hate, the chance of having cake causes you to drop grudges for some delicious dessert. Having never worked in an office before, I didn't know if such actions were true. I knew that I loved cake, but I also knew that being stuck with someone I can't stand may not make the experience worth it. If I'm with a person I want to strangle, would the cake still taste good?

Yes, yes it does.

At work today, one of the tech guys was celebrating his birthday. I won't go into much detail about him, because I think he could fit several blog entries down the line, but just be assured that myself and the other temps are not big fans of his. He's kinda mean, pretty obnoxious, and is very rarely in a good mood, unless he's talking about fast food or Battlestar Galactica. We tend to avoid him whenever we can. This past Sunday was his birthday, and today as is tradition in the office, a card was passed around, and an ice cream cake was purchased. Here's the thing:

When there's a card from the office, generally everyone tries to come up with a clever/funny line to sneak in there. Lots of little inside jokes, etc. It's a real challenge coming up with stuff. With THIS guy, it wasn't that difficult. He had a card littered with "Happy Birthday!" or "Hope you had a Happy Birthday!" Just real touching stuff. Quite frankly he didn't deserve anything more.

The cake is brought up by two of his co-workers, it's a tiny affair with candles in the shape of crayons, and when the singing starts(the scene with the birthday cake in "Office Space"? DEAD ON!) it sounds like a morgue in the conference room. He knows it too. But doesn't have a soul, and can't compute that this isn't normal. The cake is put down, and he makes a comment about hoping they didn't use trick candles. They didn't. My dream candle for him would be one filled with C4, but hey, I'm creative. The cake is handed out to everyone and we all eat. And for the rest of the time, only one person is talking to the birthday boy.

Truthfully, I think that's how he likes it. He's not very social, so I'm sure it was his dream scenario. Me? I had to spend an extended stretch of time with anti-social people from work, but I had ice cream cake and it was like everything was alright. The power of cake powered me through the moment. I hadn't been so touched by food since the bacon on my chicken salad sandwich at lunch, an hour and a half earlier.

The lesson here? Bacon's awesome.

Ryan and the Talking Baby

I am...just a horrible person.

I have a two year old niece named Amber and she is just a gem. I walked into the house yesterday and she looked at me and called me "Uncle Kory" and then ruined a drawing I made for her. But that's besides the point. She really is precious and loves loves LOVES to enjoy snacks, just like Uncle Ryan. But I feel that nothing should come for free. I realized that she will say ANYTHING for a treat, like a dog. If, ya know, dogs could talk english.

So, here are a few adorable and age appropriate phrases I convinced her to say in hopes of getting a little bit of strawberry ice cream...


"Daddy, I want a boyfriend"


"I want to drink beer"


"There goes the neighborhood"


"Where do babies come from?"


"Jesus wore high heels"


and my favorite...


"Who killed Jean Bennet?"

So please, if anyone needs a babysitter this summer, let me know. I'm trying to make some extra cash :)

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Things I will never do in my life , even if I my head is transfered to another body.

This week I have decided to give the faithful readers a list of things that I will never do. I should tell you the list has things that could really happen to me, nothing like "I would never eat a million pounds of bacon" or "I would never watch Titanic" because those are things that are so far out of the realm of possiblity it would not be worthwhile to write about.

7)I will never make change from a donation jar.

I will never make change from a donation jar because donating to a charity is a very honorable thing but putting in a ten-dollar bill into the Animal Shelter Benefit and taking out eight singles is like a mini holocaust. Basically you are telling everyone around you that you care, but only so much. Don’t you feel dirty and cheap and dirty. My mother taught me right and you never make change from a donation jar. Drop the full amount in and walk away. Who knows who is watching when you take the money out? People could be thinking, “Wow that dirty, cheap ass man just stole from a donation jar. Let’s go key his car.”

6)I will never let the communists win.

I will never let the communists win because there is nothing less American then communism and if you are anything like me than you know I bleed red white and blue. After typing last sentence I am surprised nobody has removed the red from our flag because of its affiliation with the communist regime. Sharing anything that I have earned is something I am not ok with. I will not share my snack, my job or my gun. I guess my commie kindergarten teacher Mrs. Trotsky didn’t pollute me with her Red agenda. In fact I am going to call Senator McCarthy on her commie ass right now.

5)I will never have a personal, serious twitter account.

I will never have a personal or serious Twitter account because Twitter, or as I like to call it SHITTER is truly the downfall of modern society. Cyber vanity at its peak and Shitter takes away from the vast majority of human interaction. I don’t care what you had for breakfast or how far away from home you are while you drive back from work. NOBODY GIVES A DAMN WHAT YOU ARE DOING, EVER. I am going to conduct a study of people with Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, and any other social networking sites and see how many of them actually die alone or at least at their computer.

4)I will never collect dolls

I will never collect dolls. My grandmother collects dolls and every time I come over she makes me greet all 314 of those dolls by name. She also has Alzheimer’s but I don’t think that has anything to do with it. Why would you want to collect anything that has a face, it is super creepy. You know who had a big doll collection? Jay, he loves troll dolls.

3)I will never bowl a perfect score.

I will never bowl a perfect score. 300 hundred is just unattainable. The closest I ever came to bowling a perfect game was turkey. Turkey for all of you non-bowling aficionados is three strikes in a row and its delicious. There are two main reasons I will never bowl a perfect score. The first being the fact that I am poor athlete, the second being the fact that the bowling alley I go to just burned down.

2)I will never be a tree.

I will never be a tree because tree’s are to the world as gimps are to a dominatrix. Tree's are the world's bitch and have nothing to say about it. Have you ever read “The Giving Tree” that tree shared with the kid everything it had and in return the kid was a dick. They share their leaves for shade, their food for us to stay alive, their wood for warmth and they don’t ask anything in return. Holy shit, trees are communists. I am going to stop recycling now so the communists don't win.

1)I will never date a woman with the same name as my sister or mother.

I will never date a woman with the same first name as my sister or my mother because of the intimate moments. How would people know if you are really thinking about your significant other or your blood relatives? It really freaks me out meeting people that are dating and share the names of their relatives. But dating someone with your grandmother’s name is ok as long as there is a twenty year age difference.

Check in next week when I show you the TOP SEVEN NORTHERN RETICULATED BIRD SPECIES THAT CAN BE FOUND ON THE APPALACHIAN TRAIL.

Lizzie Loves Gabe and Jenny!

So these two are like my new obsession! Seriously they are so funny. Enjoy!

"the Girlfriend" from Gabe & Jenny on Vimeo.

Jay's Definative Friday

Hello Internet,

Today you ALL get the opportunity to learn a new word/phrase from the Jayionary. This weeks phrase is "Pulling Rank."

Pulling Rank (v.) - The act of using ones heightened level of coolness to exploit a lower level of cool.

Example:

If a Great White Shark swam up to a Nurse Shark who was eating a fish, the Great White Shark could pull rank and take the Nurse Shark's fish because the Nurse Shark is less cool.

Practical Application:

If you are ever in a situation where you feel the urge to pull some rank, you must say "Pulling Rank!" before the action. Failure to do so results an instant low level of cool for yourself. The Great White said it right before he took the fish from the Nurse Shark.

Practical Examples:

ABC said "Pulling Rank" then took a dump on NBC.
Conan O'Brien said "Pulling Rank" then took over The Tonight Show.
Jay Leno said "Pulling Rank" and got a primetime show...negating Conan's rank pull (Ouch).
Rosa Parks said "Pulling Rank" and sat where she pleased.
I said "Pulling Rank" and ended this post.

Jay out.

Sean's Thurs-A-Day In The Life

Imagine, if you will, a day in the life as another person. I have saved you time on what you think I would believe a day in the life to be...I have chosen the Gordon's Fisherman.


4:54am Wake up with a cigar in my mouth from the late night boozin' and smokin' while on the hard seas catching all those god damn fish.

5:01am Sit up in bed and head to the bathroom. Always wearing the signature yellow raincoat and floppy cap.

5:30am. Time for breakfast! 3 hard boiled eggs to be washed down with some Jack Daniel's and chased with Pickle Brine.

5:45am Out the door for a brisk walk 500 feet to the dock. The beginning of the Blue Turtleneck Collar Day.

5:59am Punch in.

6:00am-9:15am Being a man, catching fish and punching them all in the face with a net of thorns and semen...Sea-Men.

9:15-9:45am Union Break

9:45am-12:34pm Being the manliest man talking about gloryholes, fighting the sea stories, tidal waves, one-night stands, emotional attachment, and killing things.

12:35-1:35pm Union Lunch Break. Eat caviar, Wheat Thins and washing it all down with a nice chilled Pellegrino. Only the best!

1:35pm Yell at the foreman in the mirror. The Gordon's Fisherman is the Foreman and Supreme Being of any body of water.

2:45pm. After the 1:35pm nervous breakdown session and excessive self-loathing crying in the corner to get out the emotion of being the loneliest man in the world, it's time to tackle the biggest time of the day. Practical Joke Time on the rookie.

3:17pm Set up a pulley attached to the main nets that looks like any ordinary pulley with rope around it, put blue tape on both ends to show you mean business. Don't tell anyone what you are doing. When the time is right get ready for the fireworks.

3:26pm All hands are on deck pulling the last of the load of non-feeling making fin meat in the net of thorns and masculinity. Ask the Rookie to grab the rope with the blue tape to stable the net for unloading...then.....

Beat the living shit out of the Rookie with your fists of fury where the Rookie is inches from death. Hold the Rookie's life in your hands, let that god damn no good Rookie know who runs this mother fuckin' vessel and if the Rookie disobeys anything, to the slightest bit, you will end the Rookie's life and everything that the shitty Rookie calls life.

3:54pm Punch out and give a big middle finger to the crew while saying, "See you in the morning, it was a pleasure working with all of you today. Rookie watch your ass and put some ice on it."

3:55-4:09pm Walk home contemplating where you went wrong in life.

4:10-6:10pm Shower and cry.

6:15pm Eat Dinner. 3 hard boiled eggs to be washed down with some Jack Daniel's and chased with Pickle Brine.

6:45pm-9?pm Light up that cigar and listen to the sweet melodies of Kenny Rogers on the good ole reliable stereo, till slumber hits you in the middle of the eyes.


So there it is. The day in the life of the Gordon's Fisherman as seen by me, Sean Favre. Try to think of some other people that you may want to know what a day in the life would be. The possibilities are endless!

-Sean

Billy Plays All 162

Hello hello, dear blog reader(s). It's been a few days since my last post, but life's been busy and I'm sure you understand. Can we agree to let bygones be bygones, to forgive and forget, and to still enjoy some blogging? You CAN? You're so kind. All six of you.

So, it's summer. I can tell because the air is starting to feel thicker, the temperature is rising, the movies have more explosions, the tv is worse, and I'm perspiring more and more. It's the circle of life. That being said, it's not ALL bad. Because summer is also when baseball starts to heat up. I'm a die-hard Yankee fan, and I've been one for about 16 years now, and I live and breathe every game from April to October. I love it. And while certain teams are constantly on my shit list, I can respect fans of those teams, because they're committed to those teams.

There are certain people I can't stand. And it's fairweather fans. These can come in several different ways(and so can i, HIYO!!! That's what she said. Yeah, that's right, I said that's what she said.)

- There are the fans who have a basic team they follow, but they don't follow day to day, and they really only follow on a regular basis when the team is doing well. I hate these fans. They sort of know some of the players, they know the general make of the team, but on a random day in August when the team is having a rough go of things? They're nowhere to be found. Are they ashamed to stand by a team that's not playing great? Show some character, and stick by people through thick and thin. BE STRONG!!

- There are also people who don't follow sports, but know some of the general facts of the sport, and spout those off when the convo comes up so they can be a part of it. For example, I'm a Yankee fan, and the Yankees spend a lot of money on free agents. All teams spend money. Yankees EARN more money, Yankees HAVE more money, Yankees SPEND more money. This is how it goes. Every so often you'll get one of these pseudo-fans saying, "Oh don't the Yankees just buy all the players? I don't like them." "Oh, don't the Yankees win a lot? I don't root for them." No one with any respect for baseball cares about the opinions of these people. These people infuriate me.

This brings me back to a certain time in my life that brings me a lot of pain. It was October of 1996, and the Yankees were playing in the World Series for the first time since I had started watching. It was a thrilling time. I loved watching the games. No one at school really watched, but I didn't care. So, the World Series comes along, and the Yankees get CRUSHED in Game 1. It was tough to watch. But I didn't think much of it when I got to school, until suddenly I started to hear snickering around me on the playground. More laughter. And heckling. I assumed it was for someone else. It wasn't. The entire 6th grade class had suddenly started to follow baseball overnight apparently, and they were all rooting for the Atlanta Braves, and in a scene right out of a horrific story about kids picked on by bullies in school, EVERYONE was against me and pointing at me. I had...NOTHING. I didn't know half these kids. And what was I gonna do. I was BEYOND outnumbered. I had to sit there and take it as these miserable little brats pointed their front running band wagon jumping fingers at me. That was the first time I ever truely thought about violence in school. And the thoughts made me smile.

The Yankees lost the second game, and it was just as bad. But then a funny thing happened. The Yankees won Game 3. And 4. And 5. And then 6, thus winning the World Series.

And what happened the next day, when I walked back into school?

Complete and total silence. No one talked to me. No one mentioned baseball. No one said a thing. Suddenly, that switch had been flipped. And the wagon had been jumped off again. I even had the balls to go up to one of the school bully's and taunt him, while a teacher was around so I couldn't have my face caved in, and all the kid could do was look at me with this puzzled look on his face as if he had never heard the word baseball before. It's ok, that guy's a loser, I think he works at a gas station now. So, I WIN THAT ROUND.

Bottom line, if you're a baseball fan, that's terrific. You should be. It's the best sport in the world. But if you want to like a team, like them all season. Give a crap. Like you have anything else to do.

And if you don't follow baseball, the random facts you hear on the news or in drifting conversations doesn't hold up when you can't say anything beyond the initial statement. And besides, you don't follow baseball, so CLEARLY you ain't all there in the head.

And haha, the Yankees won tonight because the Mets can't catch a ball.

Ryan and the Celebrity Run In

So...Ashley Tisdale came in to the Monmouth Mall a few weeks ago (or so I'm told) and I started thinking about how our conversation would go had I helped her pick out her sizes (which happens to be an x-small in women's. just like me) So, I was plagued - ABSOLUTELY PLAGUED with thoughts of how we would become friends and go to parties together because everyone else thinks she's a bitch. Then we'd drive around in my mom's buick lesabre and eat taco bell. but then I started to recall two times in my life when I crossed paths with "stars" and..it didn't go exactly as I had planned.


Spring of Junior Year, 2006: Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell comes to La Salle University as a motivational speaker. First off, let me say, Dennis Haskins should use the term "motivational speaker" very, very lightly. But, as any college campus would prepare for such a celeb, I got hammered before going to see the old guy. Halfway through his speech, I started craving more beer - but I was sucked right back into Haskin's energy when he announced that a trivia game would be taking place. I had no shame and stood up, raising my hand, screaming to be a contestant. Lucky for me, Mr. belding noticed and called me up on stage. I then...jesus christ, I started to rub his back. He looked at me and said "we're gonna have to work our way up to that" and the trivia game was under way. He asked a question about "Leon Carossi played the voice of what character in The Lion King?" and I said Pumba, which was right! However, the girl next to me was getting all the OTHER questions right and she won some dvds and a signed poster. Jealousy...I was filled with it. So, I figured I had to go big or go home. The next question he posed was "what tribe worshipped screech in the hawaii episode?" I raised my hand and Haskins placed the microphone in front of my face. I smiled. "Triba Wanna-lick-a-titty?" Silence. The next thing I knew, Mr. Belding is pointing me to the stairs and two "security guards" (with braids in their hair) escort me off the stage, claiming I'm not in the "right state of mind" to be playing with Mr. Haskins. Go fuck yourself. HE LOVED ME!

Summer 2007, Six Flags Great Adventure:

Katharine McPhee, ya know, the runner up on American idol, performed at Six Flags. Again, I was plastered. And thank god. it was, my boyfriend, and about 70 12-year-old girls. Anyway, after she sang and danced and queefed, it was AUTOGRAPH TIME! I was way in the back, pretending to interview her from far away, asking questions like "how does it feel to sing Kelly's leftover tracks?!" One girl then looked to me and very snobbily said "what are you even doing here?" me, being the adult that i am, bent down and said "what are YOU doing here? She doesn't even like you." As we got closer, much time had passed and Kat had to get back on the road for her "tour". Anyway, she was getting really pressed for time and asked that people not get out their cameras because she didn't have enough time to take all those photos. So, the girl next to me took out her camera and I saw this, so I simply reminded her that "katharine McPhee is a celebrity and she's too famous for pictures. hell-o!" So, I look straight ahead and...Katharine McPhee stops what she's doing, looks straight and me and says "what did you just say?" I think I peed. I really do. I blew it. How was she going to be my friend after that?!

Well, she signed my six flags i.d. card, and we went our merry. Wish I felt her up, though. That woulda been sweet.


Long story short - Ashley Tisdale, if you're reading this - come visit me at work and we'll do lunch!!!

- Ry Guy

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Why Internet dating is a grand old idea (Now with 100% more real life experiences)"

I hate going out to pick people up at the bars or any social situation and since I started playing World Of Warcraft for 18 hours a day I figured my entire life can be operated from the computer. With the advent of twitter and other social networking websites I have taken it upon myself to weave a cautionary tale for you, a tale of love and the Internet.

7) Nobody on the Internet is poor

You would think people who can’t afford food; water or shelter would not have the Internet. You guessed wrong, on average, one in five dates I go on the person is a homeless. These people aren’t even the adorable clown hobos or even the classic boxcar drifters. They are addicted to crack looking to score a human kidney.

6) Nobody on the Internet is a transsexual

Let me tell you how well gender reassignment surgery has come since it’s inception in the 1970’s. So far that I have had to ask my former fiancé to submit to a blood test, a blood test that he/she failed.

5) Nobody on the Internet is a prison inmate

Apparently being incarcerated in a federal penitentiary cannot stop players from playing, lovers from loving, huggers from hugging and daters from raping.

4)Nobody on the Internet is your former teacher from the seventh grade who stared at you the entire class.

What an awkward blind date with Mrs. Appernathy that was. Her husband dropped her off at the restaurant.

3)Nobody on the Internet is your former teacher from sixth grade you stared at you the entire class.

What an awkward blind date that was with Coach Dretsal and was apparently filmed by Mrs. Appernathy and sold on the Internet

2) Nobody on the Internet is your former school mascot that stared at you the entire pep rally.

All I have to say is holding hands with a bright blue beagle in a New York City club is awesome. You will see this one again on the “Top seven things Keith would never expect to do in his life” list

1) Nobody on the Internet is girl from your former college

A girl who will seem really cool and you hit it off really well with on the first date. Then spend 6 months together in what you thought was a really great relationship. Sharing personal thoughts, going on vacations, taking long drives out to the country to have passion picnics with. Until she goes on a class hiking trip and makes out with a dude then tells you the news on your 22^nd birthday.

One of these is a true story but it is up to you to decide.

Lizzie Loves the Jews!

Yes indeedy I love them Jews. For those that know me well, they can tell you that I am myself half-Jewish, or to put it simply "Jew-ish". That is why I would like to share with you some of the things that make the Jews awesome (at least in my Torah).

1.) Bagels
This is by far my favorite food on the planet! I mean who doesn't like bagels??? There are so many different kinds with so many different spreads...whats not to love?!The inventor of bagels I'm sure is the zcar of bakers heaven!

2.) Guilt
So this is kind of a love/hate thing with me. Oh yes, the guilt has been used upon me many a time in my childhood. Worst of all, I had both Jewish and Irish guilt coming from my parents. But now I have mastered the art and can't wait to use it to my advantage! Watch out future spawns of me....

3.) Matzos
Okay so I'm back on to food. Matzos is the shit...fuck anyone else who disagrees! Accidental unleavened bread is the greatest mistake ever made!

4.)Random Holidays
During my freshman year of college, two of my friends bought me a calender of Jewish holidays as a Christmas present (oh the silly silly irony!). And I gotta tell ya, they have a holiday for almost every other day of the year!!! It was like every Jewish name that ever existed has a holiday (this includes a holiday named after Esther, which is my middle, more "ishy", name). Seriously, if you're Jewish and you don't take this plethora of holidays as an excuse advantage, then poo poo to you!

5.)Bar/Batmitzvahs
The best excuse ever for getting wasted with the fam and dancing in really big circles!

6.)Jesus
He was a Jew. There, I said it....I feel better now.

Welp, thats all for now folks. Now I'm super stoked for my uncle's 80th bday tomorrow, which will take place in some synagongue upstate....THERE BETTER BE BAGELS!!!!

-Esther

Jay's Definition Friday

Howdy,

I've coined a new saying for ladies with nice breasts and it is "Plump Tit."

Allow me to use it in a sentence; "Daaamn yo, that chicks got plump tit."

No, it doesn't just apply to cycloptic breasted women. It applies to everyone lady on the face of this earth with a nice plump tit. If you have one you most certainly have the other...in most cases. Making the statement plural just gives you less time to critique other parts of the plump tit's anatomy. After all she may also be plump butt.


Jay Out.

Sean's Awkward Thursday

Let's review this statement. This graffiti is saying that it is better to "make awkward advances to women" instead of "war". After the exclamation point there is a rectangular block that says the word "DATA". Maybe I'm reading it incorrectly but in my mind I'm convinced it says that. So with that being said I am led to believe that this tag was put up on a public piece of property by Data from the Goonies, Jonathan Ke Quan. He is also known for his pivotal role as Short Round in Indiana Jones and the Temple Of Doom.

I think this sneaky bastard is taking his new gadget, spray paint, and defacing the world around us. He is trying to write witty, inspiring, thought provoking statements that I agree with!

Awkward is a way of life, just like the life of Short Round and Data. Now put that awkward towards women and you've got yourself a good time. It is a great way to test out what works and what doesn't work...in being awkward. There are no positive goals when it comes to this. The whole outlook is to be negative. Sit on that short round data!

As for the "not war" that is pretty clear. I will not have to discuss that.

The underlining of the few key phrases also highlight the words for the human eye because they are important. In case you didn't know, the exclamation point is showing that the last line has to have some power behind it so it is understood correctly.

My friends, please think about the next time you hit on a woman at a bar or family reunion and don't make war. Awkward war is a whole other story for another day....or next Thursday.

-Sean

Dr. Miche's Midweek Musings...

Oh, you HDO faithful.... let me tell you a scary story...



LATE one night, after leaving a theatre, I made a stop at the local 7-11 to grab something for breakfast the next morning, as I had to go to work. One of my younger friends named Luke thought it would be funny to run up to the side of my car and slam himself onto the driver's side window. Needless to say, I was not amused...



It should be noted that I am very easily startled. By "not amused" I mean that I had to suppress the urge to kick him in his tender bits.



Anyhow, he describes to me that he was errant in not securing a ride home, which was somewhere in the Wall area. I lived in Long Branch at the time and was anxious to get home to bed, since I had to wake up early for work the next morning. Suddenly, I had an idea: My buddy Keith happened to be travelling in that direction that night, so I called him to see if I could drop off my shennanigan-loving parcel so that he might deliver him home. He was very agreeable, and I proceeded to meet him at said theatre that we had both been patrons of that night. We bid each other good night, and headed our merry ways in opposite directions...



Yep, this was Keith of HDO fame. What a nice guy, right?



As I'm driving down 35, getting ready to make the right turn at Broad Street in Eatontown, the light turns red and I slow down. Then suddenly, out of the dark, a figure finds it's way in front of my car just before the 7-11 parking lot. I slam on the brakes and am truly shocked that it was a man who had jumped in front of my car. He was dressed in black and quite unkempt-looking, and it soon becomes clear to me that mentally, he is somewhat out of sorts.



"Out of sorts" is a huge understatement.



I wait on the highway - there's not another car in sight in either direction, and I figure this guy was just trying to scurry across the highway. Instead, he begins to violently curse at the front of my Honda Civic. Then he turns his attention to the sky, where he continues to plead to his Lord and call my Honda a son of a bitch.



I'm still not sure to this day whether some of his colorful language was directed at me, or if he was unable to detect that the car was not moving under it's own volition. I don't think it matters when all is said and done...



Now I'm faced with a decision - At first, my initial thought was to move into the left lane and keep going, but this gentlemen was sort of hell-bent on keeping my vehicle from causing him any more distress.... So he started to approach the car with a look on his face that said he meant business.



Holy shit.



I decide to make a run for it, so I hit the gas, and barely avoid the man while making it into the 7-11 parking lot, hitting a large puddle in the process that assured me a swift escape. It was then that he did something unexpected.



I looked in my rear-view mirror and now he was waving his arms, screaming like a banshee, chasing after my car.



Seriously, he was CHASING AFTER MY CAR.



I decide at this point that the speed limit was unnecessary, and I cheese it out of the 7-11 parking lot and before I have a coherent thought, I'm already halfway home. In my panicked state, I decide a phone call is in order... but it's now around 1:30 AM and I don't know who to call - so naturally I call Keith.



In hindsight, I don't know why I did that. Officially, I asked him whether or not a call to the police was in order, but honestly, it was over. Basically I was just a wailing woman.



Keith convinces me that calling the police is not a bad idea, and then I go home, shake a little, and remember why I don't like zombies.

ZOMBIES ARE CRAZY AND DIRTY AND THEY CHASE YOU DOWN AND EAT YOU!!!


By the way, this wasn't a dream. This was real. Ask Keith.

Snuggles to you all,
michelle

Billy's Comped Drinks

What up, loyal blog followers. We're back for another rant. I've been noticing that most of my blogs are complaining about something, so I figured I should keep with that style until I don't have anything to be a wiseass about anymore. HA!

Ok, so this weekend, I went into the city to reunite with some friends from my time on a movie set(Split Ends) last summer. We were in the village and checked out a bar called Off The Wagon, which I had been to once before on my birthday during a bar crawl. I vaguely remember it, I think it was before I fell asleep on the floor of Penn Station. What I didn't know was that Off The Wagon had an upstairs, where there were beer pong tables. We were up there, and it was packed with skanky girls and douchey guys, and it was very entertaining to watch.

At the bar, my friend Brigid knew the bartender, who was very generous and always gave out free drinks. Now, I'm used to seeing girls getting free drinks from guys, and cashing in on guys trying to be smooth and bartenders trying to make some money. Obviously, the drunker you get, the better the chance are you're gonna be shelling out cash for a girl's drink at some point. So, we're at the bar, and she gets a drink, for free, and I order a Blue Moon. As the guy pours it, I take out my wallet and take some cash out, but as the guy slides the Blue Moon my way, and I ask how much, he smiles, holds his hand up, and says, "Don't worry about it..."

I sat in awkward silence, with my money out in the air, waiting to be clutched by the bartender, but now I didn't need it, because this total stranger gave me my beer for free.

How do girls do this?

I mean, I get it to a point. It's free drinks. Why would a girl turn down a free drink? They must KNOW the motives with a lot of these guys, and it's not like EVERY girl is looking forward to using a guy for drinks(although, ya know, it totally happens, and the girls love it) and unless they're great at hiding it, they take the drinks with no guilt and no problem. I can't do this. This stranger gave me this beer, and I have never felt more awkward drinking a beer in my life. I know it's not like I stole it. I know it's not like I didn't tip him. I know it's not like he's into me(he was into her, and I was in the right place at the right time with the right bartender in the right mood), but still, I know I can afford my own drinks, so I'm happy to pay for it.

What's funny is, when I'm with a group of guys, and someone offers to pay for a round, I never feel weird about this, but that's because it's a group of my friends, and I know we're all generous and that we all have good intentions and just want to keep the good times going. But when the guy doesn't know me, whether or not he just wants some company or whatever, it weirds me out, and even though I didn't ASK him for a free drink, I still feel strange drinking the beer.

But not that weird, because I took two more beers after that.

Ryan and the Money Shot

Dear Reader(s),

Last Thursday I was invited to Otto's Bar in Deal - and...I seriously suggest that all of you go there. On the little black board, they give you a run down of all the fun things the do every night - "Wasted Wednesday" - "80's Night" (where beers are 80 cents) - and on Thursdays, they have BEER PONG TOURNAMENT! I was signed up with my friend Eva, and after we managed to win two games in a row, I got word that the winners get ALL the money that was pooled.

Excitment coursed through my veins like...blood...

Long story short, we lost. There was a man with one arm there. he didn't beat us, I just wanted to give you a visual of those who were participating. No, we actually got our asses handed to us by a man that looked like a cross betwen T.R. Knight from grey's Anatomy and a character from "Little People, Big World" and his partner, the 6 and a half foot giant with a poor tan and a horrible knack for LEANING, which, in the sport of the beer pong, is illegal. It's just as illegal as drugs, or kidnapping. So, we lost. But the beers were cheap and the women were loose. or so I'm told. But if you ever DO venture to this bar called OTTO'S - walk towards the back, head into the men's bathroom, and look right above the light switch. There you will find A MOTHER FUCKING HELICOPTER DANCE OFF STICKER!

*Also, if you go to the Lakhouse, you will find a sticker in the men's bathroom as well. This week I plan on going on with even MORE stickers. At the end of the month, no bathroom will be safe. Everyone will know of us! We are a rash! a disease! A HILARIOUS DISEASE! So go out, my children, and find my stickers. Take photos of those stickers, make stickers out of those photos, and post them on bathroom walls! POST THEM ON FISH TANKS! do my bidding, and let's make this world a little bit more helicoptery. :)

Side note: Beofre I closed up shop on Thursday, a young female came into the store and purchased a top for $19.50. She gave me a 20 dollar bill, and I fetched her change, placing it in my hand. I held my hand up, like I was about to drop the change, but the girl cimply looked at me...and "pounded" my fist. I began to laugh in her face - clearly letting her know that she was stupid - and said "no, i'm giving you your change back". So she took her goods, and walked away, her head hanging particularly low as she left. But I'll never forget that pounding. And hopefully, neither will she.

until next week,

jesus loves you.