Ryan's Movie Makeovers

Dear Gang,

If you're anything like me, you are ultra attractive. And also, you practically live for horror movies and all things spooktacular! When I'm not working out or tutoring small children, I tend to day dream about being IN those horror movies, and how I would do things differently. Sure, we all watch the cast of characters on the big screen thinking "don't go in there!", but they always do. (shakes head slowly) They always do...

Well, I wouldn't. In fact, I'm fairly certain my horror movie would only be 7 minutes long because I would be smart enough to find the most logical means of thwarting my villain. In this segment, I will name the movie I want to be in, the villain I am going head to head with, and how I would resolve my issue with the one who plans to do me harm. Take it away, Larry!

Movie: Child's Play
Villain: Chucky (the doll)
How I would do things differently: Two words - Golden Retriever. If this worked out as I picture it in my head, my four legged friend would tear that doll to shit. Plus the screaming would just get him even more hyped up. The clean up would be easy (because he's made out of cotton) AND the dog would be staying away from those adorable throw pillows my mother got me from JCPennies. Everybody wins!

Movie: Friday the 13th
Villain: Jason Vorheese
How I would do things differently: Simple. After gaining a pretty good history of just how grizzly those murders were way back when, I'd happily decline the position of camp counselor at Crystal Lake and take that internship at 94.3 the Point. I don't like the outdoors that much anyway. Too many bugs.

Movie: Nightmare on Elm Street
Villain: Freddy Kreuger (or is it Krueger?)
How I would Do Things Differently: This one isn't so cut and dry. He kills you in your sleep. So, although this is a little bit more...long term...I would chug as much liquid before bed as I could. Then I would pass out. By the time I fell into the dream state and Freddy made an appearance, my bladder would release the fluid and I would piss myself. That sensation (as we all know...) snaps you RIGHT out of your dream. Then, I would run to the fridge, chug even MORE water/milk/juice and do the whole thing over. I know it would take a lot of of determination, but I figure Freddy is gonna catch on to me - and the mone t he tries to slice and dice - oops! I wet the bed! I figure he'd turn his attention to someone else. Like Lizzie. It's her problem now. Ta-da!

Movie: Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Villain: Leather Face
How I would do things differently: go to ANY OTHER state. I hear North Carolina is beautiful this time of year.

Movie: Scream
Villain: Ghost Face
How I would do things differently: I'd hit "reject incoming call"

Movie: Jaws
Villain: Sharky
How I would do things differently: I'd swim at the local Y.

Movie: 30 Days of Night
Villain: Vampires
How I'd do things differently: I'd brag about how I'm good friends with Buffy. If that didn't work, I'd invite everyone on my deck, encourage them to round up as many splinters as possible, and start stabbing those blood suckers! I'm not sure if it would do the trick, but splinters sure are pesky!

Movie: Dawn of the Dead
Villain: Zombies!
How I'd do things differently: I'd still lock myself in the mall, only I'd have as much weed on me as possible. I wouldn't even try to leave. I'd watch movies, ride those 50 cent machines, play with cameras, try on clothes, go to chik-filet. Tell me you'd hate living in a mall, and I'll buy you lunch. I dare you! I DARE YOU!


Didn't think so.


Aight chillin. I'm tired. You're the best. Don't change a thing.


- Ry Guy