Sean's Point Out Photo Thursday

Here we have a packaged set of Victor brand mousetraps. Look at the ordinary logo of a cartoon mouse...or is that a mouse?













When turned completely upside down the cartoon mouse logo seems to resemble a very disturbing hate group. We all know them as the Ku Klux Klan. (follow the red pointing arrows to the red circles in the image above)

Could this be a coincidence?
Could the KKK be subliminally putting their propaganda in strategically placed product marketing?
Is the KKK just adding on to their list of groups they hate, with the included Mice group now?

This shows that racism could be right around your corner, or in that hole in the wall by the base molding in your kitchen.

Yours truly,
Sean

Dr. Miche's Midweek Musings....

hello, HDO faithful...

So it's been a long week... Actually, it's kind of hard to count weeks - I've worked the 14 of the last 17 days, and my mind is fried... and I have another 5 days in a row to go.... *sigh*. Couple that with the recent 'imminent pandemic,' and let's just say it's been an interesting time to work in hospital. So I think this is going to come out as a stream of consciousness, but here we go!

So I have a confession to make. I think I'm psychic.

yup, i really said that.

No, really - I was born a Pisces, and have been told by 3 different, perfect strangers that I have a 'gift' (which is odd to me... I mean, can you see that sort of thing??). I'm not saying that I can 'predict' things, per se', but that I have a lot of really odd coincidences in my life... let me explain.

Rewind back to a little over a week ago. I'm at work, and just having leisurely conversation with a co-worker that I will refer to as "gary" from here on out, mostly because that's his name. Gary is going on vacation soon, so we started listing off places we'd each like to go someday. I speak of how much I'd like to go to Europe; he says he wants to go to Yellowstone National Park. Soon.

Before it explodes.

Hmm.... before it explodes? Why would he say that. I was then treated to an explanation of how Yellowstone sits on top of a major pool of lava. Hmm... I've heard something like that before, something about why Old Faithful is indeed so faithful. He says it's something called a 'supervolcano'. I'm now intrigued. We go online. He is correct - there are a few major 'supervolcanoes' on the planet that over hundreds of thousands of years are dormant and then suddenly explode with the violent power of 1000 atomic bombs. I find this interesting. Mostly because I am a huge nerd.

By the way, it wasn't really busy on this particular night... all of the patients were fine, I assure you.

Anyway, while searching for info on supervolcanoes, gary happens upon a website called armaggedononline.org. He shrugs it off, he wants honest-to-goodness scientific facts. I am not so quick to dismiss this treasure-trove of paranoia. I browse the contents, loving every second of it, when i find a section labeled 'epidemics and plagues'. I read along, and see an indistinctive mention of a little something going on in Mexico.

Swine flu.

I say out loud, "hey, remember bird flu? When everyone panicked? now there's swine flu... you've got to be kidding me... like that would be a big deal..."

Whoops.

Fast forward to about 2 days later. Plastered all over the internet. A few days after that, WHO Level 5 threat. Dammit.

Did i predict this? no. Is it a weird coincidence.... hell yes. I use the phrase, "i was just talking about that... " a lot.

Don't ask me about the dreams I had in July/August 2001 and the conversation with my parents I had about how my generation has no 'where were you' event that they talk about like the Kennedy assassination.

I'm pretty sure I've said too much. But that's how we do it in HDO. Remember, kids... wash those hands thoroughly many times a day. And keep hydrated. Just in case.

Love you all,
michelle

New Buttons !

STOP ! In the name of love because we have new buttons ! (song to the tune of "Stop in the name of Love" by Miss Diane Ross.)

The buttons are officially part of a "Traffic Light of Comedy" set. So come out to the shows and complete the run. See you tonight!

boosh !

Billy's Empty Mind of a Tuesday

Hello there, everybody. This should be interesting, because I have, no idea what is going to be in this blog. It's a bit stream of conscious this evening. You all excited? ME TOO!!! We're soooo alike. Anyway, STRAP IN AND AWAAAAY WE GO!!!










*27 minutes pass*

.........uhhh. Hey. You guys still here? My mind is a complete blank.

Oh ok, well here's something. I went bowling this weekend, for Keith's b-day, at the ever classy Memory Lanes. Keith wanted everyone to wear a beard, and to me this sounded like a cool idea. I think it was easy for some people to accept the rules of this party because they already had beards. Me, for myself I'm anti-beard out of the simple fact that I don't think I look good with one, desite all the assurances the moment I put on a ridiculous fake one: "You'd look.......SO good with a beard." If I look good with a bunch of fake hair strapped to my face, that's not incentive to me.

Here's the thing with beards though. I don't know how you lumberjacks and other facial hair lovin guys(and girls) do it, but I find it to be incredibly distracting. How do fakes differ from real ones? Is it better when there is not the strap in the back and hooks behind your ears? Or when the mouth piece is slightly bigger, to better the chances of you speaking clearly and being able to eat and drink....ANYTHING?

Also, what's the temperature like, because I found that sticking a mop on my face kinda upped the temp. in the room a good 15 degrees. Or maybe that was just the bowling ball on fire from my record breaking scores of 122, 96, and 103. Take that, ESPN 8.

I guess, the moral of today's blog is this, for people curious about the pros and cons of fake vs. real beards:

Real Beard Pros:
Save money on razor blades
Some chicks dig scruff.

Real Beard Cons:
You lose a chance to peruse the razor blade aisle.
Some chicks DON'T dig scruff. (Yeah, think about it)

Fake Beard Pros:
You can take it off and enjoy beers and food without it sticking to your face.
You can adjust it to clear up your voice, or you can adjust it so all your words remain shrouded with mystery.

Fake Beard Cons:
The strap in the back always falls down, crushing your ears, and forcing you to miss the compliments of: "That's a sweet beard."
You spend all night wondering whose hair you have on your face.


I'm sure I'll get some replies from people with beards who claim I am jealous, or other Pro-Beard people that are flabbergasted by someone NOT wanting a beard. All I can tell you is, I feel lonely when I'm not buying Schick or Gillette, and if people ALL had beards, the fake beard business would be bankrupt and do we really want more people losing jobs in this economy?

God Bless America.

Ryan and DaBomb

So...rather than update my blog (like I was supposed to 2 days ago) I took a two day shower to wash the sin off of myself. This past weekend was GORGEOUS and I hope you all took advantage of it, like that time I took advantage of that...cuban....boy....my....junior....year....

...

Anyway, because it was so beautiful outside, Bar A (i know. trust me, i know) opened up their outside deck and sand pits and stuff and I double fisted so many beers. Just like that time i double fisted that....cuban....boy....my....junior year.....


Anyway....

I went out with a bunch of "co-workers" and we had a small table to ourselves. Over a short period of time, all of our beers began to overflow the table and people started getting confused as to which beer was whose. We were so confused that my dear friend Sara took a sip from one beer and said "oh my god, who put a shot in this beer?" "A shot?" we all thought to ourselves. Then, my friend Asa's jaw dropped...

About 20 minutes earlier, my drunken comrade Ryan C. began indulging in his small tin of chewing tobacco. That's right. My friend Sara drank my friend Ryan's dip spit. It was perhaps the best moment of my life. Well, except for that time I disposed of that Cuban boy's...body....in...the...woods....

Uh....


ANYWAY! My weekend was only completed on Sunday when someone called in a bomb threat at the mall. Security guards began to run around yelling "close up your stores! there's a bomb in JCPennies! Go to the food court!" I acted swiftly, but rather than head to the food court, I figured there were still some rays to be caught. So we all sat outside and watched as the cops drove around in circles. And boy am I red! I look like a human lobster. You should see my tan lines.

And you will. YOU ALL WILL!!!

Well, I had to get that off my chesty so I can get some resty. Call me!

- Ry Guy

Keith's Top Seven Pandemics "Kermit the Frog came down with a bad case of Mrs. Piggy"

Pandemics have plagued the human race since the beginning of the Tigris and Euphrates. With the media spouting the impending doom every flu season. I wanted to address some of the worlds best pandemics. Before we get started I just wanted to give a shout out and honorable mention to Avian Flu, Mauve Fever and Fauxlaria.

Scarlet Fever

Scarlet Fever was the bane of English settlers colonizing the America's. Symptons include high fever, painful rashes throughout your body, sore throat and bright red tongue which is weird because those are the same symptoms I experienced from watching the last Matthew McConaughey movie.

Ebola

One of the first serious pandemics of the 20th century, Ebola first emerged from the bowels of Africa. The mortality rate is 80-90% mainly because of the violent shaking and internal bleeding. Let's take a quick second to thank Ebola for being the inspiration for some great heavy metal songs.

San Francisco Flu

Little is known about the Sand Francisco flu but most scientists believe it began in the very popular bath houses in the late 1980's. There was a break through in the cure in the early nineties when Christian Scientists claimed that hardcore Christianity was the only hope but that was quickly proven wrong when many well know "straight laced" Republicans came down with the flu. The only known survive is Magic Johnson.

Black Death

The Black Death or better know as The Black plague is one of the most deadly pandemics in human history. Scientists believe it began in Central Asia and spread to Europe by the late 1340's. The total number of deaths worldwide from the disease is as high as 75 million people. Thankfully with the shocking revolution of not shitting in the street,cleaning up garbage and taking a weekly bath; the disease was able conquered.

Malaria

Malaria, also known as the sleeping sickness is caused by a blood born parasite. It effects many tropical and subtropical regions of the Americas, sub-Saharan Africa and Asia. Malaria has killed more humans world wide then all of the wars ever fought combined. It does not give a fuck about your feelings.

The Nano virus of 2035

Machines were destined to take over the word and fight their masters but no one could have guessed that it was from the inside out. The machines finally had enough, after years of fixing our hemorrhoids, adjusting boob jobs and fixing the retard boy's crossed eyes they had their revenge but I believe I have already said too much...

Cholera

Also known as the Xtreme diarrheal disease, Cholera is spread through ingestion of contaminated food and water. The disease can kill you in 2-12 hours with out rehydration treatment, making Cholera one of the most rapidly fatal disease on the planet. There will be no love during this disease's time...

Beatle Mania

Anyone who has a heart and two ears will catch this disease. There is no cure and all who catch the disease will die a pleasant, melody fill death.

Lizzie and the Terrible To-Do

Oh hey there!

So things have been going pretty slow in the land of Lizzie. So slow in fact, that I am kinda at a loss of what to blog about....that's right kiddies, I have been successfully avoiding bar fights ( to much dismay). The only thing that is keeping me going right now is my to-do list of things I need to get done by the end of the school year. Unfortunately, my train has been stuck in procrastination station for quite some time now so I don't really know if my list will ever get accomplished. Lets just touch upon a few bullet points of my to-do list and see what I should do and what I will do....

Library Books
What I should do: find time between classes and quickly run over to the library and drop the books off.
What I will do: let the books sit in a stack on my desk while I keep my stuffed animal Olamba the lamb sitting on top as the king of the over-due books!

Laundry
What I should do: separate the darks from the lights (just like Jim Crowe) and put my clothes in the wash!
What I will do: let the dirty laundry pile up until I can't fit any more in the basket. Then I'll just take it all home with me and have my mom do it.

Exercise
What I should do: wake up early before my classes and run to the gym for a quick morning work out.
What I will do: sleep late and then grab a bagel from Einsteins....extra cream cheese!

Homework
What I should do: get a head start on all my assignments so that I'm not rushing to get them done the night before they're due.
What I will do: Facebook.

So that's just a snipit of the things I need to do quite soon. If anyone cares to help me with my endevors, I am all for someone else returning my books....that library gives me the heebie-jeebies!

-Lizzay

Jay's Flappin' Friday

I'm flappin' to you live from the Internet; like them hipsters woulda done if they had it. I'm mildly intoxicated...less so than last Friday; but keep in mind its 5 a.m. Where to begin...I woke up 'round noon and got on a train to Long Branch from that big ol' apple. Once I got down here, I was pleasantly greeted by a taxi ride that is impossible to make up... I got some quotes that I won't soon forget from another passenger in the cab. Here they are:

On how to make love - "I got some roses, Viagra, and a bottle of scotch."
On the effects of Viagra- "I pop two of those things and 13 pigeons could land on my shit."
On pleasure- "I don't need Viagra, I just take it cause it makes it feel like I'm going to cum the whole time."
On Substance Abuse - "I don't get why people want to do another line of coke. You ain't gonna get any higher."

I wish I could have learned more from this modern Confucius, but alias, I had reached my destination. After that, I did and observed improv all day. Sweet. Then I got my drink on and that is why I'm flappin' at you right now. Jay Out!

Sean's WTF Photo Thursday

WTF Indeed...

-Sean

Billy's List of Movie Theater Targets Part 1

Well if it isn't the loyal 3-5 readers(SO FAR!) of the HDO blog. Welcome back for another Tuesday edition. I was racking my brain trying to figure something out to write about, and my mind was coming up blank, as it usually does if I'm not thinking about bacon, The Yankees, or LOST. I started to think about things I was passionate about, and invariably in one form or another it always came back to movies. But, this is a comedy blog, I'm not just going to write movie reviews. What else was I passionate about? And then it hit me. Movie theaters, and the people in them. We've all had awful theater experiences in our time, and when we do, they tend to be similar problems over and over, as if we're stuck with the same annoying people in every theater you sit in. At least, that's my luck. Today, I'd like to expose them, and I'm pretty confident that we can single handedly take these people down and make the world a more peaceful place. SO, without further interruption, I'd like to present to you my list of movie theater targets. In no particular order unless I think of a clever way to order them as I go on.

1) Don't Tell Anyone We Didn't Hire A Babysitter
Ok, so it's a Friday night. You have your newborn son, and he's great, you love him, but gosh darnit, you NEED to get out of the house and have some time to breathe. So, you call your sitter. She can't do it. She has plans. What a bitch. You call the backup. He's sick. The bastard probably deserved it, is surely what goes through your mind. Hours go by, and your options dwindle to nothing. Clearly, you need to stay home. Your son won't get the complex plot developments of Saw VIII, it's all lost on him. Besides, maybe it's a liiiiitle too vio-

No...TO HELL WITH IT! We're going out! So, you strap your kid into his seat, and head to the cinema for a family outing of the latest brutal killings of the Jigsaw Killer. Now, I usually am already in the theater when I see parents stroll their kids into a movie totally inappropriate for them. You hear groans and moans from people who realize what they're now in for, and disgust for the parents who clearly just don't care, but are ignorant and ready to enjoy a peaceful night, and any noise they hear from their kid is just white noise until the movie is over. If THEY can ignore it, everyone else just has to deal.

I suppose my question is more with the ticket buying process. Obviously, R rated movies you can't buy a ticket unless you're 17. Now, I'm not a moron, I realize the newborn isn't buying his own ticket, but shouldn't there be a law? Does the parent shell out $10 for a ticket for the kid that has no idea where the hell he is? Or do the people behind the counter let him slide. Basically, do the people behind the counter consider a newborn the equivalent of your jacket, or maybe a backpack or a baseball cap. Inconsequential things that you don't need to pay for. Do parents ever put up a fight if they have to pay $10 for the kid? I wonder if any have the nerve to act as if the THEATER is out of line? Oh well.. You've got this big stroller blocking people. You've got a crying kid, you've got oblivious parents, and suddenly the torture isn't on the new way the Jigsaw Killer is ripping some dude's legs off to teach him a lesson he so richly deserves, it's wishing these parents hire a fleet of babysitters for the next time they wanna go out, before you wait for the end credits to see if Jigsaw has any contact information for potential clients.

Too violent? Sorry, I take my theaters very seriously. With that I say good night and good luck. I hope I don't come off too insane and bitter, and if I do please understand it's all based on my pure vile hatred of children.

Dr. Miche's Midweek Musings...

Salutations! Hope everyone has had a lovely weekend and is having an equally lovely week so far...

As many of you know, or will sometime soon, most jobs are kind of dull for the better part of the day. I am indeed one of those lucky people. Therefore, we sometimes have to find ways to make the hours a bit more fun, and today we played one of my favorites from college - "what movie stars would you cast in a movie about you and your friends?".

I hope I'm not inadvertently stealing any of Ryan's movie-themed thunder (although I'm sure he has plenty to go around), but I got to thinking about what would happen if someone were brilliant enough to give me a pile of money to make a movie based on the lives and shennanigans of HDO. Although I have no idea what the plot would be like (besides hilarious, obviously), and wonder if there would even be a plot to speak of, I got to thinking of how I'd cast this particular cinematic wonder. I decided to base my dream-list cast on a variety of characteristics, so most of my suggestions bear no physical resemblance to HDO (which is to say, please don't be offended if the actor in question isn't Matthew McConaughey or Angelina Jolie, boys). So here it is:

*HDO: The Movie*

Ryan: Playing Ryan in my movie will be Jim Carrey. I know, I know... There's a large percentage of people who find Jim Carrey absolutely irritating, but I'm not one of those people.
In my opinion, the only actors who would do him justice are the ones who share his talent for countless facial expressions and maniacal physical comedy. So, even though I know this choice may be the most controversial of the bunch, know that I made it with nothing but love and respect, Ryan. And the fact that I was one of about 20 people who saw Number 23.

Lizzie: The thing about Miss Lizzie is that no matter what she does, it's just plain adorable. So for her, I pick Kate Hudson. Let's face it, they could both smile their way out of anything (except a few McConaughey movies, but that's a lot to ask). Lizzie gets bonus points for being able to play more than one character, but both do it to sweet perfection. Don't you just hate bitches like that? (hugs to you, Lizzie)

Billy: I'm torn on this one. Billy has a kind of likable charm that makes me think of someone like Steve Carrell. At at the same time, there's something about the way he plays his characters that is so distinctly "him" - a quality that makes him really great to watch. So I though of Jack Black, and how a friend and I once agreed that if he ever played the president in a movie, it would undoubtedly play the president who played guitar and did that 'bird-dance" thing we know him for. You know, President Black. I know neither of these two are physical dopplegangers for you, Billy but I can't choose based on that. So my answer would depend on the type of film, or whether or not I could have a genetic hybrid made of the two of them.

Sean: I love my character actors in the same way I love sidearm pitchers - you can't stop watching their unique style, and you get sweet fastballs for about an inning. That being said, I have to throw a nod to the fact that I could watch Sean play just about anything and be totally convinced. My choice is between two of my favorites - Phillip Seymour Hoffman and David Morse. Personally, David Morse is one of my personal choices, but I now know of your love for PSH - and I didn't realize how deep it ran until your last post. Either one would make me happy.

Keith: Funny thing on this one - I tried to think of someone who I liked from horror films to highlight the fact that you can turn anything dark in an instant. I had a few people in mind, and really couldn't make a decision. But then it came to me. The answer was staring me in the face. Hugh Jackman. While I don't know if you have similar talents in the areas of song and dance, I DO know that the idea of Wolverine playing you would make you wet your pants with excitement.

Jay: My knee-jerk reaction was initially someone from the comedy world, possibly a Will Arnett. However, like Keith, I realized that the answer was again obvious. Christian Bale. For a few reasons. Jay adds a kind of intensity to his improv, and it calls for an equally intense actor (although hasn't verbally or allegedly physically abused any of us... yet). Keith would wet his pants all over again for the addition of another superhero to the cast. But mostly, this is just a selfish choice. Any movie I'd make would have Christian Bale in the cast. So you're my excuse, Jay... thank you a million times over.

So that's it... If you're reading this but don't yet know our names, shame on you. But become our friends on facebook and find our attractively tagged show photos, and then you can redeem yourself. Redeem yourself first, then you can yell at me for my poor casting talents. It's ok, I'll still love ya!

Ciao,

Michelle

Ryan's Movie Makeovers

Dear Gang,

If you're anything like me, you are ultra attractive. And also, you practically live for horror movies and all things spooktacular! When I'm not working out or tutoring small children, I tend to day dream about being IN those horror movies, and how I would do things differently. Sure, we all watch the cast of characters on the big screen thinking "don't go in there!", but they always do. (shakes head slowly) They always do...

Well, I wouldn't. In fact, I'm fairly certain my horror movie would only be 7 minutes long because I would be smart enough to find the most logical means of thwarting my villain. In this segment, I will name the movie I want to be in, the villain I am going head to head with, and how I would resolve my issue with the one who plans to do me harm. Take it away, Larry!

Movie: Child's Play
Villain: Chucky (the doll)
How I would do things differently: Two words - Golden Retriever. If this worked out as I picture it in my head, my four legged friend would tear that doll to shit. Plus the screaming would just get him even more hyped up. The clean up would be easy (because he's made out of cotton) AND the dog would be staying away from those adorable throw pillows my mother got me from JCPennies. Everybody wins!

Movie: Friday the 13th
Villain: Jason Vorheese
How I would do things differently: Simple. After gaining a pretty good history of just how grizzly those murders were way back when, I'd happily decline the position of camp counselor at Crystal Lake and take that internship at 94.3 the Point. I don't like the outdoors that much anyway. Too many bugs.

Movie: Nightmare on Elm Street
Villain: Freddy Kreuger (or is it Krueger?)
How I would Do Things Differently: This one isn't so cut and dry. He kills you in your sleep. So, although this is a little bit more...long term...I would chug as much liquid before bed as I could. Then I would pass out. By the time I fell into the dream state and Freddy made an appearance, my bladder would release the fluid and I would piss myself. That sensation (as we all know...) snaps you RIGHT out of your dream. Then, I would run to the fridge, chug even MORE water/milk/juice and do the whole thing over. I know it would take a lot of of determination, but I figure Freddy is gonna catch on to me - and the mone t he tries to slice and dice - oops! I wet the bed! I figure he'd turn his attention to someone else. Like Lizzie. It's her problem now. Ta-da!

Movie: Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Villain: Leather Face
How I would do things differently: go to ANY OTHER state. I hear North Carolina is beautiful this time of year.

Movie: Scream
Villain: Ghost Face
How I would do things differently: I'd hit "reject incoming call"

Movie: Jaws
Villain: Sharky
How I would do things differently: I'd swim at the local Y.

Movie: 30 Days of Night
Villain: Vampires
How I'd do things differently: I'd brag about how I'm good friends with Buffy. If that didn't work, I'd invite everyone on my deck, encourage them to round up as many splinters as possible, and start stabbing those blood suckers! I'm not sure if it would do the trick, but splinters sure are pesky!

Movie: Dawn of the Dead
Villain: Zombies!
How I'd do things differently: I'd still lock myself in the mall, only I'd have as much weed on me as possible. I wouldn't even try to leave. I'd watch movies, ride those 50 cent machines, play with cameras, try on clothes, go to chik-filet. Tell me you'd hate living in a mall, and I'll buy you lunch. I dare you! I DARE YOU!


Didn't think so.


Aight chillin. I'm tired. You're the best. Don't change a thing.


- Ry Guy

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Earth Day is for Hippies and Communists"

Welcome faithful reader. After thinking long and hard on my topic this week I have decided to "look at things from another angle." My father always told me the best way to know what your enemy is going to do next is to live inside his head. Empathy is a powerful tool. I am bucking the system this weekend. Together we are going to travel into the head of pollution... Hopefully we all come back smarter, stronger, and greener.

Number 7: Mutant Powers

With out toxic waste we would have Radioactive Man, The Toxic Avenger, Spider Man, and Cancer Man. Scratch that last one...

Number 6: Profit

Call me crazy but I am convinced big companies and corporations have known about pollution for a long time. But think of all the money they will make when their companies buy up the companies that clean up after them. Its like a vacuum who can control the brooms from Fantasia.

Number 5: Stronger Immune systems

Pollution is actually making us strong day by day. Every day you lungs need to pump that much harder to pull oxygen from the air, your skin needs to work that much more to keep out UV rays and your brain needs to focus that much more to keep out Al Gore's hypnotizing voice.

Number 4: Fun

Plain and simple, polluting can be a lot of fun. Have you ever driven down a highway doing 75 and whipped a half full 32 oz cup of Coke from MacDonalds. It's pure pleasure. Next time you and your friends don't have anywhere to go on a Friday night go have a party in your idling car. Then see if you can honestly tell me polluting isn't a blast!

Number 3: Ease

Humans are a creatures of convince. Why do you think Chili's and Dunkin Donuts have drive-thrus. It is easier to pay a maid to clean up your mess or clean it yourself. It is easier to let the wind magically whisk your trash away to magical fairy land or bend over and collect it yourself.

Number 2: Solve Race Relations

The only way the human race will ever be able to finally band together as one harmonious unit will be when we have a problem that threatens the entire earth. What better problem then pollution. Move over Marcus Garvey here comes Marcus Garbage.

Number 1: Spite

::laughs manically:: FUCK THE NEXT GENERATION, I WILL NOT BE AROUND.. IT AIN"T MY PROBLEM ! ::continues crazy laughter::

Well my plan back fired. Polluting is so easy! I am going to go kick over some garbage cans and leave my computer on forever.

Lizzie's Bar-scapade

Hey there hooligans!

So I'm not much of a person who likes to start fights. For the most part, I'm all about the love. But there are occasions when I need to set a sucka straight. Normally I end up unharmed, but this Thursday was an exception.

SO my friends and I decided to go to the Lakehouse this Thursday to check out our friend Zach's DJing skills. We were all enjoying ourselves and didn't have a care in the world....that is, until I encountered her.....
I'm standing by the bar chatting it up with my buddy Mike, when two jolly green giants with bad roots sloppily stumble past me. Now normally this display of unattractive stupidity wouldn't bother me, but as they tripped by one of them proceeded to bump into me, causing me to spill my beer on the dress I had borrowed from my roommate.....the gloves were off. As she kept on trucking, I whipped around and gave her a light smack on the arm and stated "don't push". A simple statement on her clumsiness, I figured she would have a moment of embarrassment and then walk away. WRONG!!! I had messed with the wrong biotch! This creature came at me like a spider monkey shouting "DON'T YOU F*%$ING HIT ME!!!" and then did what any drunk girl at a bar who has watched She's All That over and over again would do....she threw her drink right in my face! From the taste, it appeared to be vodka and coke. The alcohol stung my eyes as I watched the culprit and her friend race for the door. Mike held me back before I could even attempt to catch the demon! As I began to become aware of my sticky state, a couple of bouncers came over to see if I'm ok.....cause you know, sometimes vodka and coke attacks can be fatal. I say I'm fine and they tell me they can't do anything cause the girl left the bar.....they didn't even offer me a napkin....thanks for the help bouncer bros!

So the moral of this story children is that you should never pick fights with crazy intoxicated she-beasts unless you're looking to spend the rest of the night feeling like the inside of a lollipop wrapper!

Keep it safe!
-Lizzie

Dr. Miche's Midweek Musings...

Hello, beautiful people! I know what you're thinking already (because you guys are so keen). You're thinking, "Hey Mich - why are you calling this a midweek musing when it's darn near Saturday?" Well, as it turns out, I currently live in a house with shoddy wiring in a town that is a cable modem nightmare. I haven't had internet for over a week. Facebook and email on my phone, sure, but no more substance than that. No surfing, no youtube, and none of my bills have been paid. Therefore, I am coming to you from a friendly neighbor's computer, and my cat is currently using my own computer as a shiny place to nap. *sigh*

As the eldest and possibly the nerdiest member of HDO, I thought it might be nice to impart some wisdom in my posts. So here are some things I've learned recently, some by conventional means, some the hard way, annotated for your pleasure.

* If one were so motivated to travel up north and eat the liver of a polar bear, that person would likely die due to an overdose of Vitamin A. (source: food network)

* When you find yourself playing darts at a bar, and one of the darts takes a wayward bounce off of the dartboard, resist the instinct to catch it barehanded. You'll end up bloody and embarassed. (source: my lame attempt at socializing last Friday night)

*Suprisingly, a tetanus shot is nearly painless. The next day, however, it feels like someone has been head-butting your arm for an hour and a half. (source: the fallout from above)

* Vampires have big hair (source: "Twilight", a movie that I can't believe I'm actually watching right now)

* Despite the fact that a co-worker insists that Beyonce's "I'm a Single Lady" is a song with a "positive message", I speak for the majority of single ladies when I say that we don't appreciate the gesture. That song is annoying. (source: any given radio station at any given time)

* There is a kid in this movie who looks like a 17-year old Edward Norton. (source: see above commentary... yes, I'm still watching this movie)

* Cat paws are similar to dog paws. They both smell like Fritos. (source: Brucewayne, my cat)

* A grouping of seals is called a "rookery." (source: jay and sean, also the discovery channel)

* No matter what Keith says, zombies are scary as hell. (source: 65% of my nightmares)

From me to you,

Michelle

Jay's Overly Fun Friday

Hi ya'll,

      I'm writing this blog mildy intoxicated. and refuse to hit the backspace key. so with that being said, get down to busness.

      I had work today and I'm not at liberty to discuss it. However, I will say I managed to reorganize like a mofo. After work, I went out to meet up with a hs friedn. We drank for a while, then we drank somemore. After that, we dranks somemore and proceeded to fantisise about beautiful womens an the bar. Then mi amido left and luckaly i got a phone call from a beautiful lady friend. 

      We met up and had a drink and some good convo. It was a lovely night. Lovely lovely. Well compadres, I will catch you on the later. Stay street legal and make sure that when you are in the area to announce yourself or a bear my attack you out of fear of difference.

      Peace, Love, Happiness,

                       The Jay

Sean's Top Five

This is my Top Five Men & Women that I would make love to on a warm Sunday Morning, with Lionel Richie's "Easy Like Sunday Morning" playing on the stereo.

Top Five Women
1. Daisy Fuentes
2. Marlo Meekins - look her up :)
3. Dee Snider
4. Queen Elizabeth
5. Dione Warwick - circa 1970's

Top Five Men
1. Phillip Seymour Hoffman - we share the same birthday :)
2. Denzel Washington
3. Thomas, the cashier at my local Shop Rite who is 34 years old
4. George Clooney - in his Batman suit from the movie Batman & Robin
5. Steve from Blue's Clues

Make a Top Five of your own and see what happens. You may stumble upon some great infatuations that could lead to a healthy stalking career. We can all dream, can't we?

-Sean!

Billy's Tale Of Yo-Yo Related Tomfoolery

Good evening to everyone out there smart enough check out this REVOLUTIONARY COMEDIC BLOG. You're making the right choice. Ok, now that that's out of the way, I've got an amusing little anecdote for you.

I work for a company where I'm a temp. I call people who come to our company's booth at events who seem interested in buying what we sell. Naturally, we have to entice people to our booth, and what do we choose? I can't believe I'm actually saying this...

....we give out Yo-Yo's. Seriously. We give out Yo-Yo's with our company logo on them. And people go NUTS for them. Like they've never seen a yo-yo in their lives. Like it's the missing piece to eternal life. That being said, we don't make it easy, you have to fill out a form to GET the yo-yo, so we have your info and can harrass you later. Some people, really do want info, so they take the form seriously. OTHER people, could care less, and just want to be brought back to their care free days when Yo-Yo's were a big part of what they were as a person. Today, I discovered such a person on my list. His blatant LACK of effort at making the form believable, made my entire work day worthwhile. Lucky for him, these forms are processed without review, so I was likely the first one to discover this.

Under Company Name, all he did was write: Yo-Yo Getting Place. We haven't been called that in AGES.

Under Phone Number, he wrote: 012-345-6789 I have this weird feeling that this isn't real.

His email address is under a website called Yahioo. Not a typo.

Finally we get to the grand finale, the comments section. You can write anything you see fit that you can consider crucial to helping us understand your needs. I'm not going to put everything, because a lot of it is absolute gibberish, but here are some highlights:(real comments in BOLD and my less funny comments in ITALICS)

blow the circuitbreakers in caf so that no 1 could open the walk-in.frrezerr ,meat locker,dairy locker,or produce loqcker for four days without loss of 10,000 worth of caf food supplies.

Ok, so, he works for a school I guess. And he doesn't have access to their dictionaries. And we could ASSUME it's $10,000. But we don't know for sure. Either way, do schools carry THAT much food? That's a lot of chicken fingers.

production doesnt pass the QI and cause Bush Admin not to set a date on the Return ofthe Troops , to maintin GOOD TRADE!!!!

So, now, the food didn't survive, mostly because of the war? or did the war start BECAUSE of the food? And did THE PRESIDENT KNOW?!?! These are the questions, I'm pretty sure we don't know the answers to. Finally, under a list of products needed:

6789, Stop ,thief? stop in the name of the lsw!

This guy really wanted a yo-yo. I hope it brought him the happiness he needed.

So, yeah, that's my job. It's rarely that interesting, but maybe you'll get lucky and I'll have more run-ins. For the sake of chicken finger lovers everywhere, I hope that's the case.

We'll see you next week.

Ryan's Slim Pickins

Current Mood: Bloated :(

Greetings, loyal ones! Hope my directions weren't too confusing and that you got here safely. Now, with that being said, please don't touch or move anything.

Seriously.

I am new to this world of "blogging", but I am hopeful that this will allow me to express myself freely and without judgment. And although it is late, there is one thing I have to get off of my chest...something that has haunted me for many years now. If any of you own the book POST SECRET by Frank Warren, I ask that you open it now and turn to page 46. If you don't own the book, a small background. Basically this man (Frank Warren) asked people to send him post cards bearing their darkest secrets. Hundreds, perhaps thousands of people wrote down their secrets and sent them to him. he then took some of those postcards and put them into the book, sharing them with the world. On page 46, at the top of the page, there is a photograph of a bowl of soup, and above it is a caption that reads, "When I'm mad at my husband...I put boogers in his soup." (pause) Here is what I have to say about that:


1) You're f*cking gross.



2) Little do you know that your neighbors saw you hovering over that boiling pot of New England clam chowder, picking your nose gold, and flicking it in. And little do you know that they told your husband. And little do you know that tonight, he is planning to beat you with his belt. THE BUCKLE END. And little do you know that your neighbors call you "Slim Pickins" behind your back. And little do you know, that when you die and go to heaven, God is going to fart in your mouth and make you hold it in for one whole minute because he and I (and probably everyone else who read your "secret") know that your a disgusting, filthy little pig!



Have a great week everybody!

:)

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Jesus is everywhere, yet he still doesn't answer any of my F#@% text messages."

This weeks title is loosely based on the fact that today is Easter. It is also loosely based on the fact that Jesus is probably the inspiration for my favorite book characters ever, Waldo. Many of you may not know this but this is my first post on a blog website of any type, so in honor of the Zombie Jesus we are going to explore other times he has blessed us with his visage in common things... Welcome to the Top Seven of the Week.

#7 Jesus appears in Dental X-Rays

On Jesus' first stop on his tour of random items he decided to show up in a Phoenix, Arizona man's dental x-ray's. After being interviewed the Dentist was quoted as saying the mans exam was perfect exact for the stains on his teeth. He should have stayed out of the communion wine.

#6 Jesus appears in a bag of Cheetos

It was just another day in the normal life of Steven Cragg, a Houston native. When on the faithful day of March 25, 2008 he cracked open a bag of his favorite snack and the savior popped out. With boyish glee Steven screamed "O MY LORD, CHEESUS!"

#5 Jesus appears in Russia on a meteor

The meteorite crack into two as it rammed into the planet in the Far East of Russia. The image of Jesus' face can be seen on the split of the rock. The meteorite was dubbed Bullshitslavka by the town atheist.

#4 Jesus on a cake

This isn't a naturally occurring phenomena this is just excellent craftsmanship.

#3 Jesus appears in a potato chip

This next blessed snack food is one of the most popular Jesus pictures ever. It has changed hands through out the years. This potato chips journey starts as one of the spoils of the Crusades brought back by one of the Knights Templar. Moving from Vatican to the Church of England. Eventually it settled into the possession of Ms. Martha Kit all thanks to eBAY.

#2 Jesus appears in a dish of Spumoni

The number two Jesus siting comes to us from Salt Lake City, Utah. Where customers at Hatch Family Chocolates first spotted the blessed image. Shortly after the image was found a debate broke out among the customer whether this truly was a picture of Jesus or George Harrison in his India phase.

#1 Jesus appears in a dog's butt

It was just another lazy Sunday morning when Angus the dog began his morning ritual. He stretched his paws forward then leander back sticking his butt high in the air. At the precise moment, the morning sun hit Angus' butt just right and behold... Jesus !

He certain works in mysterious ways.

Lizzie's Crafty Caboodle

Hello my babies!

As we all know, Easter is right around the corner. So what better way to welcome back our buddy Christ this year then by showing him just how sharp (and crafty) we can dress ourselves! That is why I'm gonna teach all my homegirls (and homeboyz if they're into it) how to make a kickin skort out of a t-shirt!

Step 1: Find yourself an oversized t-shirt with a sweet ass print on the front (preferrably something with a bunny, or easter egg, or religious tv personality on it). I chose my bro's old t-shirt with Bugs Bunny being mad cool wearing some baggy jeans and a backwards cap. damn that bunny's cool.

Step 2: Turn the t-shirt inside out and stick your legs through the sleeves. Then hike those puppies up as high as you can, but of course keep it comfy.

Step 3: While holding the rest of the t-shirt up with your teeth, place a belt, scarf, string, ribbon, or what you will around your hips and fasten securely.

Step 4: Let go of the rest of the t-shirt so that it falls into a skirt-like fashion with the design in the front (or back if you prefer).

And there you go my darlings. Now on Easter Sunday, you can go show your church just how fly honey you really are. I'm so sure that if Jesus rocked those robes in his day, he would def rock this style in the 09!

Now scram you crazy crafters!

~Lizzie~

Jay's Fisticuff Friday

The Match Up:

Weasel vs. Diesel

 

I was one of many who had the distinct privilege of watching this backyard slugfest. When Diesel entered my neighbor Will Humphries’ back yard the crowd went absolutely bananas. Weasel also managed to make a memorable entrance by catching a wild rabbit and eating it.

The fight was way closer than most anticipated. Diesel’s gut punches, which he calls The Fist and The Furious, stunned Weasel in the opening minutes. Weasel was able to regain some ground by steeling eggs from a near by chicken coupe and blaming it on Diesel. Diesel then went in for some head punches, a.k.a. Fist and Furious, but Weasel dodged them because he had already seen The Fist and The Furious and refused to be suckered a second time. Angry at Weasel’s defense, Diesel picked up Weasel, strapped him to a chair, and made him watch the Pitch Black Trilogy five consecutive times. Weasel is dead.

WINNER: DIESEL

Sean's Sharing Corner

This could happen to you if you're not careful.

Yours truly,
Sean Favre