Ryan Thanks Yom Kippur!

'Kay girls. How many ya'all been to the mall? Show of hands.

Now, have you ever been approached by one of those people at the kiosk stands in the middle of the mall?

Today, as I walked around on my break aimlessly, thinking of where I would hide if zombies attacked, I realized that the atmosphere was different, almost peaceful. It didn't take long for me to realize that the kiosk workers were no where in sight. Their gold jewelry wasn't dangling about and their sick blow outs weren't obstructing my view. This break would be unlike any other!

The one man who works at the hair straightening center, who has the HIGHEST pitched voice I've ever heard, would not be extending his hand and creepily cackling out "Meees! (aka miss) Come here for second! Let me show you someting!" A smile glided across my face as I danced by...holding out my middle finger.

The one man who walks around his station with a tray of a mysterious white fluid in plastic cups (...) like a great white shark wouldn't be winking at me and freakishly licking his lips like usual. My favorite quirk of his is his inappropriate need to sing out every time a customer walks by. But as I walked past his covered up station, I wondered who he was singing to at that very moment. I hope they liked it.

The crossed eyed man at the teeth whitening station was probably dry cleaning his "doctor's lab coat" he picked up from the Halloween store.

And ah yes..."Claps". The way you motivate the corwd is unlike anything I've ever seen. You clap with gusto, and I can see that you are a positive man. Too bad everyone scatters off to the farthest corners, ducking behind plants and furniture to avoid eye contact.

So thank you Yom Kippur for removing said individuals. With them, we are more colorful. Without them, we're more likely to focus on other things besides strangling ourselves.

Shalom!

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Seven Other Top Seven's that I consider good and you should check out (An homage to lists)"

Hey, I had a three day weekend this week and work has been brutal so I complied a list of lists for you to read and reflect upon. Judge them harshly because they are not my lists and you only read my lists. It is ok to be list racist just don't tell the ACLU or the NAACP. You may take the knowledge you learn in these lists and apply them to your life or just enjoy them with a hot cup of oolong tea.

7) http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/33055243/ns/today-parenting_and_family/

6) http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/09/the_11_least_excusable_three-quels.php

5) http://mashable.com/2009/07/28/great-minds-videos/

4) http://top7business.com/?id=5530

3) http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/man-woman/Top-7-sex-bummers/articleshow/3548601.cms

2) http://purpleslinky.com/humor/life/top-10-types-of-farts-that-we-all-love/

1) http://www.treehugger.com/files/2009/02/the-top-7-greenest-ski-destinations.php

Next week I will really start posting again or will I !?!?!?!

Sean's Caricature Thursday

So as many of you may know I have been drawing caricatures at a particular theme park for a set amount of years. I've always been interested in the comedy aspect of drawing. It's fun to say I get to paid to draw people dumb and/or stupid, or like a cartoon.

One of the best experiences of working in this type of environment is the element of creativity other artists, as well as yourself, can have. One of the ways to bring in customers is to do "demos" of your fellow employees. Not only is it a great way to draw someone a little crazy but it's a sort of boost for new artists to see what someone can do with a caricature.

Here are two of my close friend's caricatures they drew of me not too long ago. This goes to show what can be done to a face under the right circumstances.

The first is done by Matt Zitman. He's an asshole and I love him. That statement has nothing to do with the drawing.


The Second is from Chris Chua. I think he does acid and shrooms before his drawings.


So there you have it. My advice to anyone the next time you visit a theme park, or some other place, that does caricatures is to get one for yourself. Just sit down and get a drawing, pay the few bucks it is for someone's talent and time. and have a good laugh. Remember it's just not a piece of paper, it's a documented piece of paper of someone making fun of you while they make a wage to pay their rent or their drug habit, much like Chua*.

-Sean

*Chris Chua does not have a drug problem. He's just asian.

Billy Will PAY for the Tripod

In the past few years, a form of filmmaking has emerged that has become all the rage, and while I used to find it interesting, I now officially cannot stand it, and I want to send anyone who decides to use the method on a trip to film school, my treat. I don't want to come off as some pretentious film snob or something, because I'm not, but I just don't understand how a filming like this is reviewed and sent out to the public. Especially without a warning and anti-nausea medicine.

I'm talking of course, of "shaky cam".

I saw a movie last week that had the worst I had ever seen. I've been okay with it sometimes. I defended it during THE BLAIR WITH PROJECT, and I commended it during CLOVERFIELD. Mostly because it was SUPPOSED to be a nervous guy behind the camera, walking and shaking. It fit the story. But when action movies like the BOURNE movies or other movies in that genre use the same method, it's just LAZY! It's just CHEAP. I don't buy the "Oh, it's slam-bang put you in the middle of the action!!" kinda of shooting. Mostly because I can't tell what the middle is, the front, the back, anything. A scene may start, and shaky cam begins, and I don't even know what characters are in the scene anymore. It literally makes me dizzy. The camera man is RUNNING and IS literally in the middle of the action, but the human arms can only move so fast and follow so much. It's as if they put the camera on a trampoline and people just started jumping on it. It's chaos, and it's pointless, and it's stupid. I shouldn't dread movies. But I also shouldn't wonder what big budget movie is going to have the filming quality of the footage I used to film of my family parties when I was 7 years old. Sometimes it's as if the camera guy forgot he had even hit record. I don't wanna say I'd do a better job, but, well, I'd do a much better job.

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Help me complete this scavenger hunt."

Several days ago I signed up to compete in a nationwide scavenger hunt. I have made some great head way already in writing up the list and thinking about getting the things on it but I need someone to do the heavy lifting. That is were you, the loyal readers come in. To completely my list and win 1 million XBOX live points I will need...

7) A hand model from Pittsburg.

6) The Last Unicorn (VHS or DVD)

5) 132 H1N1 prevention posters

4) An Arby's Oven mitt

3) Chad Krueger

2) 3 pictures of topless grandmpothers

1) A samoan's tongue

If you can bring any one of these things to the next show I will be forever ever in your gratitude and I will loan you Lizzie or Billy for the night.

Sean's Always Sunny In...

There are a few television shows that I frequent in my spare time, one of them being It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. I've been following this show for a small chunk of time and I'm glad to say that it just gets better and better. A laugh always ensues when this show is on, so here is my gift to you.

Here is a pilot for the show of the episode, Charlie Has Cancer. I hope you enjoy it and I highly recommend that you watch every Thursday at 10pm on FX. Season 5 just started so it's the start for your beautiful ongoing relationship with the gang!



-Sean

Billy Wants To Be A Hero

If anyone here ever went to college, they have heard of the game Flip Cup. I don't know who originally conceived of it, but for pure drinking simplicity and intensity, it's really quite fun. This isn't about the history of flip cup though. This is about my attempt to be a hero, for people everywhere. Yes, you read that right.

Names have been blocked to the protect the innocent and not so innocent.

Ok, so at a local party, there was a fairly epic game of Flip Cup that occured. Most games I had seen tend to have around 5 people on each side, but this game had 9 on each side. Given the recent problems HDO has gone through by being too controversial, the details and circumstances of the game and the teams had to be blocked as well. Sorry. You all know how it works, you try to get through your row. If your row loses, you kick someone off, someone doubles up on cups, and so on and so forth, until one team is totally gone and the other team is declared the winner. With 9 cups, that means that quite a great deal of beer had to be drunk. This was not something I took into account, since you don't put much beer in the cup, but yeah, it...adds up. Our team battled, it was really quite exciting. Whenever we won a round, as we made a comeback, we began to chant DON'T STOP BELIEVING. It was really a pretty exciting game. We took what we thought was a commanding lead, and then we blew it, until suddenly, there I was, the last man standing against 4 on the other side. Impossible odds. I'm a realist, I knew this going in, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to die trying. Literally, I died trying.

Taunts and screams poured down from the other side of the table as the beer poured down into my 9 solo cups, staring up at me like gang members, daring me to try. I stared at them without blinking, mostly to avoid the psych-outs of the team across from me, but I also knew that one pause would spell disaster. I needed to focus. The round began:

I actually got a few cups in without any trouble. I heard screams from the other side, but that could have been anything. They could be good screams, they could be bad screams. I couldn't worry about that. 4 cups down, 5 cups down. I was impressed with my pace honestly, but knew they wouldn't all be that easy. I was right. I took that 6th cup, and took a swig, and I tasted it. Vomit, in my throat. If I forced this beer down, the vomit would not be in my throat anymore, it'd be all over the table, and with a video camera rolling mere feet away, it'd be a moment forever documented. I couldn't have that be my legacy, so I took a short pause to see if I could contain it, and I could, and I powered through. Eventually I got to the last cup and was still around, which meant I had not lost yet, and I scrambled for the last cup, flipped it, and heard the cheers. I had just won a round. It was now 1 vs. 3. That was already more then I ever thought I could do. As people cheered, all I wanted was to get some air and be alone. It's actually pretty hilarious, looking back, how serious I was taking this. The other team was floundering, having expected to win just then. The beers were refilled, the screams continued, but they weren't as loud this time. I could hear doubt. To me, this was all I needed. My focus was on the cups. The round began.

This round started the same way, I got through the first few fairly easily, and I heard some screams but ignored them. THIS time, however, I hit that taste in my throat on the 5th cup, and this one was serious. This was a taste that wouldn't go away. I had hit a wall, an actual beer wall. I couldn't let my team down, but I also couldn't recreate the amusement park scene from The Sandlot in my friend's basement. I took another deep and longer(HA!) breath and continued. Unfortunately, that break was too long, as I lost by two cups and the game was over. My effort to be a hero had been destroyed. I congratulated the other team, got a slow clap from my teammates, and left that basement feeling pretty good for someone that had just lost and nearly thrown up twice. It just goes to show you, you're never to old to be a hero, and you're never to old to binge drink. That's my lesson for the day. Be safe, kids.

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Seven Stupid New Jersey Town Names" (Fartville is not one of them)

New Jersey has been the butt of almost every state joke since the Revolutionary war when General Washington referred to use as one of the original COLON... ies. Continuing right where our first president left off I will be show casing the top seven stupidest names for towns through out the state of New Jersey. To authenticate all of my claims I have also places the nearest major highway.

7)Moonachie (Route 120)

Little known fact about this word is that in Lebanese this word is actually a racial slur against the Irish.

6)Wayne (Route 23)

This name is ugly ever for a human.

5)Ho-Ho-kus (Route 17)

Sounds like Hooker Magic.

4)Perth Amboy (Route 440)

It just sounds like some one with out front teeth is trying to say Purse.

"I lotht my perth. Can any one help me find ma perth."

3)Loveladies (Long Beach Boulevard)

This is where Ryan goes on vacation every fall to watch the foliage turn.

2)Buttzville (Route 31)

Hold on to your Buttzville... (20 points to anyone who knows that reference.)

1)Munka Chunk (Route 46)

This place could either be an indian burial ground or a new flavor of ice cream.

I love you.

Lizzie's Recipe for Awesome!

So as I have stated before in previous blogs, I work at a restaurant. The head chef at the restaurant is awesome! She is for real the coolest. Tonight when I was working at the host stand, she intercomed me from the office and told me to come there now. This got me worried, but when I got there she had a special treat for me to enjoy! Here's what it was:

-fried balls of pizza dough
-powdered sugar
-something chocolate (I think ice cream)

It was an orgasm in my mouth! Seriously make this shit and you will go bananas! mmmmm...bananas.....

Sean's Inspirational Thursday

We all need inspiration to get to the next level of where we want to be. So, let this be a quick jump start for you while you get inspired from these "40 Inspirational Speeches in Two Minutes".

40 Inspirational Speeches in Two Minutes - watch more funny videos

-Sean

Ryan Visits the Elderly

Ah, the elderly.

Their frail bones and greasy, wrinkled skin bring a rare moment of clarity for me. Yes, one day...I too...will beg my family to smuggle in shooters of vodka despite the fact that the mixture of liquor and meds may be fatal. However, let me say this while I can - if I am ever put into a "home", I believe I will welcome death with open arms, just like my grandmother-in-law has.

Grandma Irene is a...card, if you will. Over the past year, she's fallen down and broken several bones. The last being the time she used a sledgehammer to shut her door tightly. But, being all...old and stuff...the sledgehammer flew from her hands, and she fell over. Now Irene spends her days locked away in her room. The only thing more depressing than her bare walls is her attitude. She stares out at the other "Olds", granting them nicknames, like "Smokey the Bear".

But not all is bad at Bayville Nursing Home. Irene has found herself a suitor. Despite the fact that "it's too late in the game", I can only imagine the filthy almost-sex that goes on every night. As the Nurses place bets on who won't be waking up in the morning, Irene most likely sneaks off down the hall - her metal walker leading her swollen legs - to meet her man friend, only to be interrupted by one of those all too common "diarrhea attacks". Poopy Drawers will then spend the next two hours getting lost in attempts of finding her room.

Irene offered to show us around. (after an hour of telling her to do so) And apparently everyone "knows" Irene. It was odd though, how no one said hi, or waved...or acknowledged her. I deduced this to one of two things happening. Either no one actually knows Irene, due to her severe seclusion, or everyone was entranced by the two "young gentlemen". I began to envision the Olds surrounding myself and Kory, pinching our cheeks and sucking our youthful essence from us, licking their toothless gums like a pack of hungry wolves.

I was brought back to reality when we stumbled upon 5 or 6 Lady Olds who were playing poker. The "Cool Girls" always stick together, apparently. All the way from high school, through their parenting years, even in the Olds Home. As we rolled on by, I could have sworn I saw one of the Cool Olds - or, the "Colds" - give Irene a nasty stare. I can only imagine what the lunch room must be like. A sign that says "Kick Me" would be placed on Irene by one of the Colds, while another would trip her with a spare walking cane.

Again, reality snapped back in when Grandma Irene asked Kory if he had a girlfriend. He said no. She looked to me, 'do you have a girlfriend?" I told her I was working on it. It's nice to give the Olds hope. And that's what I'm about - doing the thing that's the most goodest.

So with that being said, Grandma Irene I hope you enjoyed your vodka shooters, and maybe next time you'll remember my name and won't wait 15 minutes to ask me where you know me from.

It's 5:52 pm. I love you. Goodnight.

Billy vs. The Waiting Game

Ok, so I've been to the doctor recently a couple times. Lucky for me, it's been the first few times in a while, which is is simply amazing considering my diet of bacon cheeseburgers, beer and chocolate covered pretzels I've been working through for a quarter century. Well, it caught up with me finally, but that's another story(but not another blog). I had forgotten the process at a doctor's office, and really had not had to experience much at later ages where I didn't need a parent with me, so I had some new situations arise.

First of all, they need to screen the people sitting at the receptionist desk. You would think that the first people you saw while entering the office were bright smiling face that would help you relax right? That's what I want to see. My doctor doesn't believe in such a silly policy. The older woman that was working the desk seemed flustered and annoyed, and kept moaning to the people around her that she was having a miserable morning. She took my insurance card and couldn't get the scanner to work and kept slamming the side of it, trying to Fonzie it back to life but to no avail. Then, she put my file in the wrong folder, and I saw the wrong doctor(something I only discovered later when I made my followup appointment.)

Once I sat in the FIRST waiting room for several minutes, as Regis and kelly played and I looked at all the old people surrounding me, and saw that despite the clientele, they only had magazines for kids, and I resisted the urge to check out the latest adventures of Goofus and Gallant. I got called in to the actual room, where the nurse asked me the standard questions that you'd THINK would be a doctor's job. She then told me the doctor would be in momentarily, and left. That was at 8:22. My appointment time was 8:15. I had work at 9:00.

8:25

8:30

8:35

8:40

8:45

8:50

8:55

As I waited, I discovered stuck in the stack of crap magazines, that there was a copy of the People magazine with the SBTB reunion, and my buzz was gone when I discovered the much hyped article was only a page long.

Finally, at 8:57, the doctor rolled in. What a bitch. She reviewed everything I had told all the other people, gave me some diet suggestions, told me to get some bloodwork done, and I was out of there in 3 minutes. What a gigantic waste of time that was. I mean, it was beneficial to me, but it was 6 minutes of help in 48 minutes of sitting. Total joke.

Next time guys, if you feel yourself getting sick. Just wait it out, or create your own medicine. It'll work wonders, and you'll have plenty of extra time for the chocolate covered beer burgers that got you there in the first place.

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "Seven Reasons Why He isn't on time with his blog posts" (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome be Damned!)

Hey, I am literally a week late with this post and it's so far down on the list I really doubt anyone will ever read this so... Here is my half assed job at what I should have done well a week ago.

7) World Of Warcraft

Yes, I am one of those people.

6) Spying on Ryan

I have his house, work place and favorite restaurant under 24 hour surveillance.

5) Sleeping

This weekend alone I slept 37 hours. I may have mono.

4)Farmville

The delightful and highly addictive game that has consumed my soul and made me a more efficient land manager.

3)My children

I certainly don't trust my wife to take care of them.

2)Hiding Oreo's

It's the greatest scavenger hunt ever! If you want me to organize one for you just drop me a line.

1) Farmville

I spend so much time on Farmville it needs to be stated twice.

Check in next week and see if I actually defeat my addiction demons and make a post !

Lizzie Loves Failure!

Isn't it great to see huge douches fail horribly at trying to be huge douches!? It fills me with feelings of fuzziness and sometimes a little squishy to see these assholes pay the price. Here is one of my favorite and most recent examples:



And for our buddy Jay, and for my own personal victory, here is a Nickelback fail!

Sean's Thurs-Day In The Life

This is the day of what an egocentric Artist, Pierre Clayton, would consist of. All being told by Muah (Russian or Hebrew for Me). I take you to a studio apartment in the bowels of Brooklyn, NY.

11:56am My alarm goes off with the Beatles, "Revolution 9" playing. I lay on my air mattress for another half hour just listening to this beautiful montage of sounds in reverse. I think about life and what it means to be alive in this physical world.

12:24pm I brush my teeth with cigarette butts from the night before.

12:27pm Time to eat a healthy meal of Ramen, Tuna and boxed Wine.

1:11pm I walk the streets soaking in all the beauty before me. Looking for inspiration on my next collection of paintings; the title Extreme Light Outside Of The Box has a charm to it.

3:12pm I think of all the parallels that I have with the character, Alexander, from Jack Kerouac's first novel The Town and the City.

3:59pm Now, it's back to my studio where the work begins. I sit and stare at the wall to the left of the window for 2 hours.

5:59pm I have a spark for my painting...oops it's gone. :shrugs:

6:01pm I stare at the wall to the right of the window for 48 minutes.

6:49pm I have a spark for what I want to eat. A sandwich with 3 slices of swiss cheese on whole wheat bread. Less is more is how I see it. Then, I finish off the rest of the boxed Wine from this "morning".

7:22pm I take a cat nap from my hard day.

11:43pm Just woke up from my quick cat nap. I'm still half awake while I scribble my dream of seven gods recruiting me into their social club. Zeus, Vishnu and Jesus are such fun gods. They were the three that I liked because they had personality. Did you know Jesus was also an avid surrealist painter in his day? At least that's what he said to me in my dream. When I was signing the membership papers is when I woke up. God, how I hate waking up!

12:15am I pick up my paint brush out of anger and start expressing myself through the movement of creativity. I smear, splatter and urinate all over the canvas and floor. The true love of emotion pouring out of my soul onto the physical form of canvas for others to behold. I will be the god of paint! You wait and see, I will always be better than everyone for I am true beauty. No will forget the name Pierre Clayton!

3:19am I drink a whole jar of pickle juice and throw the pickles in the sink. Then I drink 2 bottles of Robitussin and shit my pants.

3:37am I set my alarm and fall asleep on my air mattress covered in paint, pickle juice and my own shit.

Lesson to be learned from this. Do something with your life!

-Sean

Billy's Helpful Employment Tips

At my current job, I've been there long enough that I'm part of the committee that helps to hire new people. The group of reps that I work with want someone to join us that works well, because we work well together as a unit, so we've gone through a process of having phone interviews followed by face to face interviews. We've had 9 candidates so far. And one has lasted. Here are some friendly tips on what NOT to do when applying for a job. All of these things are actual real things these people did. I wish I was lying:

1. Keep your MySpace public, so we can see your 25 albums showing your gigs with your band and your job working with a Medieval reenactment team.
2. Explain your life goals with one sentence: "I'd like to be a cartoon."
3. Share a story about how you steal musical instruments from your friends.
4. List Ontario and Canada as two totally separate things on a resume.
5. Complain about the health insurance.
6. Ask for our cell phone numbers.
7. List companies under Job Experience when really you just own stock in them. That's not a job.
8. Sweat right through your shirt.
9. Describe your recent physical ailments with: "If I were a horse, someone would have taken me out and shot me by now."
10. Ask if Facebook is blocked.
11. Trip and faceplant to the ground.
12. Describe how you're steps away from living in poverty.
13. Speak in different voices as the interview progresses.
14. Explain how you're not looking forward to starting the process.
15. Dress like a hippie.

If you do any of those things on a normal basis when it comes to interviewing for a job, you're the reason we're in a recession. FACT.